In all the lists my blog manages to make it on they all point out that “the author” is “down from 255 pounds.” That is true, but today it is very close to not being true. In the last couple of weeks my weight has crept up from the low 240s to 250. I am within 5 pounds of my highest weight ever. O. M. G.
I knew I was gaining, thanks to sharing the eating habits of others and slacking off with exercise. But I didn’t know I could so easily shoot right back up to where I was before. But I can. That easy, just like Oprah.
What I now realize is that with my body being a healthy weight and having a healthy relationship with food will take a major amount of time and work and will last the rest of my life. There will never be a place where I can allow myself to slack off and be normal. Because I am not normal. My body doesn’t react to food the same way my friends’ bodies do. They can eat McDonalds every day and not gain a pound. One fry sticks with me forever.
It does seem a little unfair that I have to be so conscious and work so much harder just to be healthy. But maybe if I had never got to this place to begin with that wouldn’t be so. Or if I had realized it sooner.
You see, I have a problem with eating like other people. It began as a child when I ate the same way my brothers did. We always ate the same things and the same amounts of food. My mom never differentiated between us. However, I was different. I was the only girl and a completely different build than my tall, lanky brothers (although as a child that’s hard to notice). I ate and played and started gaining weight while they ate and played and stayed skinny.
This continued into high school where it worsened. Ever seen how much a teenage boy eats? Yikes. I didn’t eat quite as much as they did but I definitely came close to the amount and frequency of feedings. It was normal to eat an after school snack, dinner, and late night snack with them. Maybe if what we ate had been healthy that would have been okay, but we usually ate the least healthy things possible.
And during high school I quit playing tennis and softball but I kept eating like my brothers who all continued to play baseball each year. The one closest to my age even ran cross country and track for a season or two. I stopped exercising but kept eating like they did. Mistake. The weight piled on and on and on.
That kept going until I moved out for college where I finally lost weight and started getting healthy. For some reason I always managed to eat healthy and live with people that encouraged/did the same. When they ate healthy and less I ate healthy and less. It was a hard change at first since I was so used to eating like my crazy brothers, but I did it and stuck with it all the way until I graduated and once again moved home.
When I moved back home I struggled with both depression and the problem of eating like my little brother. He is 18 and one of the last ones at home. It is ridiculous how much he eats and what he eats. When I first moved back home to save money I resisted the draw to eat like him. He eats fast food and sweets for almost every meal. I don’t do this but over time I have slipped up and started eating more like him… and surprise, surprise, the weight has come back once again. All the hard work of the 4 years away was undone in 1 being back at home.
I clearly have a problem with imitating how others eat. I don’t think I was even aware of this until I spent a week with another friend and realized I ate whatever she did and the same amounts. Sure its polite since I was a guest in her home, but I don’t have to do that. I could have brought my own food, cooked for her, etc.
I have the personality of a follower. You know how some people are born leaders? I’m not. I’m a born follower. I’m okay with this fact about myself except where it leads me to destruction as it has with eating habits. So I’m going to try to break my own mold and stop following those around me. I’m going to make my own way for once. I will no longer eat something just because someone else is eating it.