Lately I’ve been taking the time to think about the last year I’ve spent at home. As it is coming to a close and a new chapter in my life is starting I want to make sure I look back at this time to understand it, good and bad.
Looking back I realize that living at home was in many ways for me, an escape from real life. I spent 16 years in school putting off “the real world.” When the time came for me to get a job and start living like a grown up I ran back home scared. I knew I would have a place to live with my family that would be easier than trying to make it on my own. I wasn’t necessarily happy to be doing that, but I did it anyway.
When I moved home I convinced myself it was so I could finally lose weight and get healthy before moving out on my own. I’m not quite sure how I convinced myself this would happen, since the only place I’ve ever gained weight was at home. When I lived on my own during college I lost weight and lived a very healthy and active life. During the year I’ve lived at home, until recently, I spent most of my time bored, depressed, eating poorly, and being lazy.
Basically in the year of living at home I accomplished none of my goals. I’m heavier than when I started. Thankfully I’ve lost a bit of weight recently and am closer to where I started. Perhaps breaking even on the scale will be a victory after all.
I am sad to say that this experience was just one example of how I’ve been stalling. I keep waiting for my life to begin, thinking somehow it will magically all start when I lose weight. So I’ve used the excuse of being fat to stop me from doing many of the things I’ve dreamed about. I’ve let my weight get in the way of fun, work, experiences, etc. I’ve let let my weight dictate more in my life than anything else.
I’m so tired of it. I’m tired of waiting for my life to begin. I’m tired of waiting to lose weight before I try to find a job. I’m tired of waiting to do things because I know I will face discrimination (while often slight, it is there). I’m tired of waiting for my life to begin because I still can’t get my weight under control.
What in the world was I thinking? What in the world was I waiting for? It all seems so silly when I sit back and reflect on the decisions I made over the last year. I always went with EASY instead of RIGHT. That is where a lot of us go wrong, unfortunately. Easy over right, when it really should be doing what is right instead of doing what is easy.
From now on I promise to do what is right. (Or at least what seems right to me.) I promise that even if things are hard – like losing weight and keeping it off – I will keep trying to do them instead of falling back on what is easy. I promise that I won’t give up or give in until I have done all of the things I want in life. I will no longer wait for things to happen. I am not waiting for my life to begin any longer.