Next week BlogHer is sponsoring its annual blogging conference next week in Chicago, and a few of my blogging friends MizFit and Roni (along with Heather from MAMAvision, Claire Mysko and Kate Harding) are hosting an afternoon session on Friday, July 24, called “Blogs & Body Image: What are we teaching our kids?”
For a synopsis and more information about this session, please click on this link to MizFit’s posting. Even if you cannot attend in person, you can participate through Twitter and through posting your own blog about this topic.
Lynn is asking now What would you have done differently if you knew then what you know now?
She wrote this at Refuse to Regain a few weeks ago:
None of us can really know why lies underneath as we shed pounds. I was thin a few times when I was younger, but I was just that: younger. My skin was younger, my muscles were younger, my breasts and thighs and tummy were younger. Then they were introduced to gravity and cellulite, and as I got bigger and smaller and bigger again, my body got confused, and the things that bounced back before didn’t this time…
Years of such extreme weights has caused me to have such sad, flappy skin (and I) mourn the loss of elasticity that could have been mine if I’d taken better care of myself in the past. I just wish there was a way to get that message across to young women today. Alas, so many more people are obese now than ever.
And MizFit answered the questions this way:
For me, absolutely nothing. For me I think it took knowing the ‘pain’ (eating poorly, feeling bloated and **tired** and plain ole UNCOMFY in my skin. On all levels) to have the Ah Ha! moment of realizing I needed to change my ways to live longer and enjoy that life more.
But that’s just for me and to me.
I spend lots of time working with tween girls and what I try to convey to them is simple: We get one body, that’s it. Take care of it and keep it healthy and strong and it will serve you well. Sure we are amazingly resilient creatures (I rebounded nicely from my beer and pizza diet days) but why put yourself through that?
These women are older than me and even though they are speaking to tweens and teens in their mind I feel they are also talking to me, at my current age of 23. I feel like they are talking to my friends, who will skip meals just so they remain the same size. I feel like they are talking to the girls I spend my time with who constantly find fault in their expanding bodies because they don’t understand how poorly treating their body is related to the weight gain.
I agree that there is a fine line we walk when we contemplate discussing overweight/obesity prevention with young people, particularly females. Even with my positive attitude and healthy views on weight loss I still feel nervous discussing these topics. Everyone has to find their own way and their own particular moment where they realize that the path they are on isn’t the right one. They have to discover for themselves that treating their one and only body in a healthy way is the right thing to do.
I think many of us don’t reach that point for two reasons.
- Many never reach that point where we can say without any outside influence, “I’m worth this. I’m worth taking care of.” Obesity happens because we either forget or consciously push back the fact that our first responsibility is to ourselves. We focus on other people, we say we don’t deserve it, we pretend it isn’t important. Even with people telling you that taking care of your body is important, most of us won’t do it until we reach the point where we say “I deserve this and I want to take care of my body.” Some of us learn that as children, some of us don’t figure it out until we reach 255 lbs or more.
- Reaching that point means you have to be ready to fight. After you reach the decision that it is worth it, you have to be ready to defend that stance against EVERYTHING. Even with support from others you will still be fighting media images of bone thin women, pressures to lose the weight fast, to look perfect once you are thin, advertising for both weight loss products that don’t work and junk food that causes the problem to begin with. Once you decide to take care of yourself you will realize how many different attacks there will be on that mindset. You have to be ready to stick with that “I am beautiful, I deserve this, I am worth taking care of” mindset against all outside forces.
I hope more girls reach this point early in their lives and I’m glad these women are actively trying to make that happen. I hope girls don’t spend their high school years abusing their body like I did. I’m 23 now and my body hates what it has been through. Yet at the same time, without my journey I wouldn’t be able to appreciate the exercise I do or the healthy food I eat. Without knowing how bad I feel after eating days worth of fast food, I wouldn’t know how light and wonderful I feel after eating clean. Without knowing how painful it feels to weigh 255 lbs, I wouldn’t be satisfied with a goal weight (175) that most people consider fat. I would not think I keep getting more beautiful as I get older as opposed to the women who are already mourning the passing of their youth.
So what would I have done differently if I knew then what I know now?
When this question is asked I immediately think of my middle school years, which I hated thanks to a move to Tennessee and a brother that teased me mercilessly about being fat. It was the most miserably period of my life and did more to ruin my self-esteem than anything else I can think of. I want to say I have a magic answer for what I would do then.
Someone needed to tell me that my brother was wrong. Someone needed to counteract the message of “You’re fat and disgusting.” No one did. No one even came close. The closest message was still a twisted and tainted one of “You’d be so pretty if you lose weight.” Because no one gave me a positive message I started hating my body. Everything I heard told me it was a crappy body, so I started treating it like crap. Through high school I never heard a positive message about my body. I had to wait until that moment came where I reached my own turning point and couldn’t take it any more. I had to wait until I let my own voice buried deep down inside tell me that I needed to change and my body deserved better.
And how would I talk to a young woman (your children, friends’ children, etc.) today about your experiences with weight and body image?
If things could have been different when I was younger I would have hoped someone would have counteracted the voices of negativity in my life. As it was, none did. And now I realize that is because no one ever starts these conversations. Thank God for blogs which take away some of the pressure to discuss these topics. But in my life, I’ve rarely heard or had positive conversations about weight or body image. The conversations I’ve overheard and participated in were always about complaining, about wishing body parts were different, never about what we loved or how we really felt about our bodies.
All of those conversations were openers for someone to step in and have a meaningful conversation about weight and body image. But no one did. I would like to take those opportunities now to start these discussions. To tell a 14 year old that while she might hate that one part of her body, her whole is beautiful. To tell the depressed and lonely 16 year old obese girl that food will never solve a problem. That she doesn’t have to be thin to be happy, she just has to stop treating her body poorly.
I hope that any conversation I have with a woman on this subject, no matter what her age leaves her happier with her body. We need to tell each other we are beautiful. We need to talk about these things. Handing out backhanded comments like “You’d be pretty if..” doesn’t do anyone any good. Never complimenting other women doesn’t do any good. Maybe if we all were a little more loving toward each other we could reach that turning point where we love ourselves faster. We wouldn’t wait until obesity overruns our life and self-image.
So I’ve pondered the subject for a while. Let me know what you think.
What would you have done differently if you knew then what you know now? And how would you talk to a young woman (your children, friends’ children, etc.) today about your experiences with weight and body image?
{ 23 comments }
maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan life calls so I shall be back with more musings but wanted to say THANK YOU for keeping our momentum going.
Miz’s last blog post..Overtraining: LESS can be MORE.
This is one of those posts that make me think WOW! So many habits and self esteem issues come from our teen years. It is vital that these young women today realize that what they see in the media is not what a real woman looks like. They need to love themselves for who they are and what they do have to offer. No one should waste 10, 20, 30 years hating themselves because they are not a size 6.
One of the best posts I have seen, great job!
Shannon Fab Fattie’s last blog post..Fabulous Fattie News!
Hey mary that was a really great blog and well written too! :) Well, I think that the whole low self esteem in middle school and high school years goes even deeper than weight issues. Speaking for myself, and even for others who have told me, but that was the worst time of my life, absolutely. I was a little overweight until 7th or 8th grade but not after (actually I was underweight and I guess that’s the other side of the same coin), but it was just the whole attitude of everyone and everything and it was hellish. So… teens need a support system underlying one of weight and healthy food choices/exercise. You seem very mature for 23; at your age I was absolutely horrible to my body. I’m only 30 now, which is in some ways old and lots of ways not, so remember that you still ARE one of the young women, so I think you are thinking about this stuff just in time. And I think things do get better as we get older. :) Personally, what would I have done differently? Mostly, I would have started working out earlier. I didn’t start till around 26, when my current best friend was always going to the gym and looking better and better lol. If I had started in high school, or even college, or after, my body would probably be stronger and healthier and more toned. But I did it when I did, and that’s not bad, and I still enjoy it today, so it wasn’t horrible. I could say I shouldn’t have eaten mcdonalds and wendys every day, should have eaten some real meals, shouldn’t have gotten drunk every day, etc… yes, I did all those things in my early 20s and even mid 20s, but that was just my experience in life and I don’t really want to give that up. I’m glad I lived through it. I do wish I hadnt have been anorexic in college and preanorexic in high school but thankfully there were no lasting troubles on my body at least. At the same time, it would be weird to have my life erased and make it different. So I think its better to try not to regret the past and live forward from now. And not just about food or weight but about everything. :)
merri’s last blog post..SF Pride 2009
There was a scene that struck me in some forgettable time travel action movie where the bad guy goes back in time and meets up with his younger self and tells him “Do yourself a favor and lay off the candy bars.”
That’s what I’d like to do. Go back and tell that moron of a self I was how destructive his behavoir and habits were to his health and his future.
Jack Sh*t’s last blog post..Lion-Hearted
My weight issues had everything to do with multiple pregnancies, and I will say this – try to be in the best shape possible BEFORE deciding to conceive – and eat right, don’t be a greedy, human vacuum!
The condition of your health has a good chance of determining how you fare during the pregnancy (will it be miserable, or a delight) and how quickly you bounce back. Also, extra weight before becoming pregnant does NOT do wonders for you after the birth. Do it for yourself and do it for your family! So many reasons to be healthy and no valid excuses.
Yum Yucky’s last blog post..Taste Taste: Cinnabon Cinnamon Bread
@YumYucky
I’m so glad I know you. I’m not in any rush to get pregnant (uh, there are a few steps before that happens), but it is good to hear this. I know I want to reach a healthy weight and then be healthy throughout pregnancy, instead of letting it be one of those stressful points in life that lead people off track. Just say no to being a greedy, human vacuum. Got it! Hehe.
Thank you for ALL your thoughts on this! Great post. I agree that someone SHOULD have stepped in on your behalf and told your brother to shut up and then to talk to you about what real beauty is until you believed it. I’m glad you are where you are now, but I’m sad you had to go through all that crap before.
Lynn Haraldson-Bering’s last blog post..If We Knew Then What We Know Now: Talking to Young Women About Prevention
This ties in so beautifully with the blog post I’ve just written and scheduled for tomorrow. I feel a bit raw about this today, so I’ll just say, “Great post”. The best thing you can do for yourself is to start taking care of yourself now. We may not get the nurturing we want when we grow up, so we just have to learn to give it to ourselves, and not in the form of food!
I so identify with what Lynn said about not knowing what lies underneath… and I agree with Miz, if we want our bodies to last, we need to look after them!
Hanlie’s last blog post..Have dreams, will travel…
Lovely post.
I completely identify with the “putting yourself last” thing that happens to so many women, especially as we take on responsibility for other people (husband, kids, aging parents, etc.). What I’ve learned, though, is that putting my health first means I’m teaching my kids that their health is important, too — and that’s a valuable lesson for life.
Thanks so much for writing about this.
Dara Chadwick’s last blog post..Do As I Do, Not As I Say
What a fantastic post. I completely agree with the points you’ve made. I think the connection between health (mental and physical), body image and weight should be made stronger is girls’ minds, while they’re growing up. We have to be made more aware of the consequences of treating our bodies poorly, some of which are life-long. A healthy lifestyle should be engrained in peoples mind since youth, which will not only result in fitter adults, but also happier one. The striggle with body image and size can hurt deeply and it’s hard to get rid of.
I love this post, I’m forwarding to a few friends that it reminded me of :)
I think that this speaks to women everywhere.
For myself, I started paying attention to health in about grade 12 so I’m glad that I caught it at that point. I don’t think I’d change anything- my experiences are what made me who I am.
And as for others? I’d tell them to live for themselves, to love themselves, to enjoy life and be open to trying new things. Too many people don’t exercise or eat well because they assume it’ll be torture, but there is so much potential for creativity and fun and progress and happiness with being healthy!
Sagan’s last blog post..Recap of an indulgent weekend
@Sagan
I love your advice. Truly.
Such an amazing post!!! Incredible!
What would I have done differently. Well, I learned the food stuff in the home so I was brought up on that & knew nothing different. Back then, all this info was not out there & accessible. BUT, when I was older, I would have lost the weight the right way versus the wrong way, I would have eaten more while losing the weight vs. starving myself, I would have tried to change the mind along with the body rather than just the body.. which does not change the mind for you…
So, I would tell women to feel good about themselves no matter what, that they are important as a human being AND to get that emotional self under control because just losing weight DOES NOT make you feel better about yourself. I lost tons of weight & still did not like myself so it is so important to learn to love yourself first & foremost!
That’s a great post. There are so many things I would have done differently. What young women should learn is love, health and confidence and that they should look up to someone who is real in their life and not women in the media.
HappySkinnyGirl’s last blog post..3.5 Pounds Lost
This post speaks volumes to me. As a teenager I was fit and in shape. In college I was an athlete, so I was in shape and fit as well. Once I graduated from college, I begin to take care of my family and of course I do what a lot of people do and put ME on the back burner. In doing this I gained 100+ pounds. I can truly say that I have been blessed to have a stress free personal life and a stress free married life, so the stress that I accumulated was that of my family’s. I did everything to please every one in my immediate family (mom, sisters, aunt) and didn’t take the time to do for me. I would leave work and rush to their aid often times meaning I passed through a fast food restaurant to eat that ‘quick meal’. Today I find myself in the position where my focus is me….this time I will make ME the priority.
Thank you for a wonderful post.
Embarrassed Fatty’s last blog post..Terrific Tuesday
I can only echo how great your post is, Mary. I share your struggles as a child — growing up the only ’round’ one in a family of ‘skinny’ people, except for my mom who was always trying to lose weight even though she was a beautiful woman. Knowing what I know now, I understand that that experience, coupled with the stress of parents who were constantly fighting, damaged my self-esteem so much (also likely aided by a genetic propensity), I developed an eating disorder. I overcame it after much struggle, and did it alone because I was so ashamed.
Today, I work to help women get past these kinds of experiences, and perhaps my greatest success to date is my daughter, who although she is subject to all the body image nonsense other 20-year-old women are, she hears my voice in her head when she starts to buy into it too much. And she tries to help her friends think differently.
Thanks for your post, and I so look forward to hearing Miz and the rest of the panel next week. Yes, I am one of the lucky ones who get to go.
Marsha @ Green Mountain at Fox Run’s last blog post..Breakfast Protein Helps Light Eaters Feel Full
Great points in this! Of course, it makes us guy dieters/bloggers feel all alone! j/k Blogher sure sounds like a great resource for you gals. Make it a great day!
South Beach Steve’s last blog post..Back in the Groove!
@Steve
Hahaa. Sorry dude! This particular issue is one women struggle with more and is not addressed very well at all.
Guys can come to BlogHer too. You should come next year!
I never knew any different, I was an obese kid, teenager and young adult… I taught myself in my early twenties what it meant to take care of myself and my body all the way from 345 to 155. Hindsight is 20/20 especially now that I am correcting body issues with surgery that some would only see as cosmetic. I wouldn’t be the same person I am now if somehow it had been different. I wouldn’t be the person who wakes up each day excited to be living and participating in life. I wouldn’t be the person who sees anything and everything as a possibility you just have to go out there and do it.
There is no sense in beating myself however about my past. I can only work with what I have now and move on in the best way possible for me. All that matters is that I am taking positive steps forward each and everyday, whether that means forgiveness, acceptance or surgical correction.
Sarah’s last blog post..The Beach
back and reading.
thanks again.
Miz’s last blog post..Guest Post: Marsha Hudnall
I’ve thought about what I’d tell myself if I got a change to go back in time, and honestly I have no idea. I’ve thought about what I’d tell someone else, and I have no idea. Advice can only go so far. I think being an example can help. And maybe more than advice, time. Spending time with them to help them, figuring out what ways they can help themselves, etc.
It’s a tough prospect to alter someone’s view of themselves.
Great post :)
FLG’s last blog post..C25K and Award
Wow, what a great post. And thanks for helping to spread the word about the BlogHer panel! I wish everyone could read about your experience in middle school and understand how much power and what a deep and lasting impression people’s weight comments can have–especially at that age, when girls are so vulnerable and eager to gain acceptance. I am so glad that you found your voice, and that you are continuing to use it to make positive changes in the world!
Claire Mysko’s last blog post..5 Ways to Help Girls Resist the Pressure to be Perfect
Hi Merry Mary: Thanks for your support for our upcoming panel…its been a long time in the making and we are really excited about it.
Your point about no one stepping in to counter your negativity is KEY. During the session we intend to really hone in on this- those of us who are passionate about the body image topic need to step up, take some chances, and start influencing the girls in our lives…from our daughters, to nieces, to the next door neighbor.
This is a lot harder to do than it sounds (I have been at it a while). When an opportunity presents itself, I have found that I kind of freeze, thinking “is this my business? will parents be mad? will the girl freak out?”
But ultimately, we need to take that chance, because I have absolutely no doubt in my mind it matters. More than matters – it saves lives.
Take care and nice to meet you!!
mamaV
mamaV of mamaVISION blog’s last blog post..Image Consulting For Kids
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