Because You Just Can’t Love A Fat Girl

Update: This is a great post and came from a really honest place but things have totally changed in my life. I’ve learned that everyone is loveable no matter what they weigh or what they look like. Sure it might be hard to find love as a fat girl sometimes, but we all deserve love. So find the person out there that can love you no matter what – you are worth it no matter what the scale says. :)

Ever since watching the crappy reality show More to Love, my mind has been stuck on the ideas of fat and love.  Can fat men and women find love?  The women on the show don’t think they can without the blessed chance they recieved from Fox.
So what about the rest of us?  Those of us in the real world that even when we lose weight won’t be “skinny.”  Do we stand a chance?

Of course.  How ridiculous is it to assume that love doesn’t exist for bigger people.  But that’s exactly what the show does and how it makes me feel after I watch it (I admit- I’m still watching). The theme of the show seems to be – other men in the world just can’t love a fat girl.  I always end up thinking, “I’m alone right now.  It’s probably because I’m still fat.  Dang.  If I could just not be so fat, I could find love!  Only .0005% of men like bigger women, obviously, because all those crying women say so!”

But it isn’t that simple.  Love and relationships are tricky at any size.

I’ve only been dating for 3 years, so I’m no expert.  For the longest time, i.e. up until the middle of college, I never had a date.  I didn’t think anyone would even want to date me.  I was fat, in a bad way, as my brothers liked to remind me.  Self-esteem and I weren’t accquainted at the time, so I never thought any guy would think of me as anything more than a funny fat friend.  I was resigned to wear the label of “just friend” because it was all I thought I deserved.

When I went to college and lost 55 pounds and found exercise + healthy eating, I gained some of the self-esteem and acceptance that I had missed out on in high school.  I’ve been down and up (currently) weight-wise since then but I’ve only continued to become more comfortable in my skin.  I’ve had dates, psuedo boyfriends, boyfriends, weird relationships, and such in the last few years of dating.

Even though I’m still a bigger girl, I’ve abandoned the idea that no one will want me.  That’s just not true.

Maybe no one wants me right now, but that is not the end of things.  I still think someone awesome will come along.

But here’s the thing: I’ve dated a lot of crappy guys.  I’ve had guys trick me, lie to me, cheat on me, etc.  Every time my mind would land on the fact that it was at least partially my fault.

They would do something wrong, but I always would think it was me because I wasn’t pretty or thin or good enough in some way.

Because I’m overweight I tend to think it gives some excuse to the guys that have treated me poorly.  I mean, who can love someone that wears a size 16, right?  I can’t help having these thoughts even though I know they are complete lies.  My size 2 friend has had the same luck with guys that I have had.  Maybe I’ve never been in love like she has, but we’ve both dated losers.  She has had more bad boyfriends than I can remember and been cheated on more than I have.  Size doesn’t discriminate when you aren’t dating good people.

The reason I always tend to fall back on the I’m-fat-so-it’s-my-fault line of thought is because that is what guys have told me.  My brothers, my guy friends, they’ve all said something like,  “Guys will put up with a lot from a hot girl that they wouldn’t from an ugly girl.  If she isn’t hot, that shit won’t fly.” And it’s true.

I’m sweet.  I’m fun.  But I’m not hott.  When I make a mistake or act bitchy (hey, it happens) I’m immediately cast aside where a hott girl would have more leeway.  For most guys my age this is the case.  The hotter the girl, the more room they have to act terrible.

Me?  I better be 100% amazing all the time or I’m out.  It’s like they think it is so nice of them to be dating me that I should just be grateful all the time.  (Listen, I know this isn’t the case for all guys.  I’m only 23, so the guys I know and spend time with are similar ages and some still act a fool.)

But because my mind always wanders back to thinking that the failures – both in finding guys and keeping them – are because I’m fat, I sometimes think I’m like those girls on More To Love.

Waaah, I did go to prom alone.  Waaaah, I don’t get as many dates as my thin friends.  Waaaah, I’ve been the fat friend more times than I can count.  Waaaah, why doesn’t anyone love me.  Waaaah, can anyone love me if I’m still fat?  Waaaah, the world sucks because you just can’t love a fat girl.

I’m not proud of those thoughts, but they exist in my mind sometimes.  I can’t seem to shake them or the idea that you can’t find love as a fat girl.  So maybe if I throw them out there to the world  here on this blog they can get beaten into submission. I’m a fat girl and I just want to be loved.

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  1. says

    wow, Merry. You just said everything I thought when I was growing up. There’s so much I want to write, but dont even know where to begin. I will come back, but for now need to think.

  2. says

    wow, this really touched me! I almost feel like I could have been the one writing it! Except that I think you’re a little further along me. I know it’s silly of me to think I don’t deserve love, but I also don’t quite believe that I will find someone. Something for me to work on :) thank you for writing this post!

  3. says

    I am working on a post about this same subject! My self esteem is always better when I am smaller (being a relative term). I let men walk all over me, cheat on me, ‘borrow’ money from me and treat me with no respect because I did not feel I deserved it. I am now 31 and still have to fight those tendencies because ‘if I let him go (b/c he is an ass) who else will love me?’

    great post!

  4. says

    I married a skinny guy, and when we were first dating, I constantly worried that he would dump me for someone skinny. Fortunately for me, he found me attractive and didn’t find “skinny” girls attractive. There are men who like full-figured women (and I was full-figured at 260 pounds). And there are men who are more mature than the guys you’ve described.

  5. says

    Love the honesty of this post. I have certainly realized, since losing weight and keeping it off, that fat doesn’t have anything to do with it, unless we let it. Will some people not be attracted? Sure, but that happens to everyone, thin or fat. I got a lot more dates and attention from men when I was heavy… true! I never expected that!

    IMO, what really matters in a relationship is, well, relating. If a real connection is happening and love goes beneath the surface, hot doesn’t matter, there’s no official “leeway” room, etc. If I were you, I’d keep my standards high and say “no” to everything that doesn’t fit them. That’s how my clients have found love! Not from compromising, not from “making do”, not by pretending a deep connection is there when it isn’t. (I attended four client weddings last year and 1 already this year too!) Concentrate on making a connection, getting to know someone, allowing a relationship to develop.

    So, in summary, Mary, you breathe, therefore you are lovable. You are also gorgeous and smart and funny but that’s “icing” on the cake. Just because you are here, and alive, you deserve exactly what you want in life.

    Pat Barone, CPCC, PCC
    America’s Weight Loss Catalyst

  6. says

    Mary, I’m sending a big hug to you. Guys can, unfortunately, require a lot of maturing before they’re fit to be let out in society and date. You’ll find the right person who will love and support you because you’re an beautiful, compassionate, kind, strong woman. (I didn’t meet my future husband until I was 29, so there’s always time! When it’s right, it’s right.)

  7. says

    I’ll never forget the day Jason, my first real boyfriend said, you have such a pretty face, if you lost weight you’d be perfect. Years before that my dad told me he was sending me to a fat farm. The message was clear, fat = unlovable. Yes, there are so many factors as to why society feels/acts this way (tv, magazines, actors & actresses, etc, etc) but the point is, it exists, and no matter what, these thoughts have been burned in our brains. Looking back I think I spent my whole life trying to prove I was worthy, and sometimes I still do. Yes I know I’m smart, have achieved a lot, can sing opera, blah blah blah. But will that ever be good enough? Will it ever shut up the FAT voice in my head? I honestly don’t know. Why is it so easy for us to see the beauty in others than it is in ourselves? I think you are beautiful Merry, reading this post I wanna shout NO! Don’t feel that way! Its NOT true! You WILL find love!!! Does that make me a hypocrite? Yes, I think it does. But I still think you’re beautiful and that you will find love.

  8. teetee_71 says

    Wow Mary! You sound like I did 15 years ago. Yes I’m still alone, but I’ve realized that no matter what I did to make someone stay, it wasn’t ever good enough. I realized that they didn’t deserve me. I’m a fat girl and along with that I have a fat heart. I’m now at a point in my life where if they don’t want it, screw them. I am content in my life and if I am destined to live it alone, I’m okay with that. But I am nearly 40 so with time you get more comfortable with you’re life. No matter what size your a beautiful girl and any guy would be lucky to have you…I’m not sure if any guy deserves you since you have such a beautiful soul!! No one may ever be good enough for you!

  9. says

    Wow. Another thought provoking post. I can relate to much of what you say. Especially when I was in my 20’s. I was 33 when I met my husband.

    Mary, you are full of positive energy. Continue to keep loving yourself and you will attract love, regardless of your weight. My husband proposed to me when I was at my highest weight. He loved me no matter how much I weighed.

    I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

  10. MizFit says

    Reading this from my handheld because I couldn’t wait.

    Sister you are one talented writer.

    Your raw honestly leaps off the page (ok tmobile sidekick screen) and smacked me in the face.

    In the best way.

    I echo pats closing.

    By being MARY you are enough and I feel since I was fortunate to meet you in person I can say that.

    Thumbtypingly yours,

  11. says

    This is a great post and brings up a lot of good points. In general, nature/nurture makes it hard to pin-point why people do/think xyz. I can barely understand what makes me tick and what causes me to act a certain way, let alone what causes other people to think and act certain ways. I do, however, believe that no ‘real man’ would let a ‘hot girl’ walk all over him or degrade him. A ‘real man’ doesn’t hot women because it boosts his ego or because he believes that the woman he dates is an ‘extension of him’. Talk about a load of BS. Who wants a guy like that! I’ll tell you: girls who feel equally crappy about themselves.

    A lot of these ‘norms’ seem to be symptoms of bigger, deeper problems — including obesity. Although I was not obese when I met my partner, my poor relationship with both food and my body affected the very foundation of my being, and thus, took a toll on my relationship. I had little to nothing to offer my partner mentally, emotionally, and spiritually speaking. Although my bowl was filled to the top with food, my soul was empty. I thought I hid my despair well, but every time I come across I haven’t seen in a while, they always say the same thing: YOU LOOK SO HAPPY!

    Bottom line is this: unless you have a great foundation, you’re destined for a shitty relationship — no matter what you weigh — whether you’re the culprit or not.

  12. says

    This is a really honest post Mary. You sound like you are in a good place to be open to a relationship. Keep in mind that any guy who dates and marries you should love you just because of who you are – not for what you look like! (I know you know that!)

    When John and I married I was “normal” and grew to morbidly obese. I NEVER felt judged by him at all. I know I am very blessed.

    Take care of yourself.

  13. says

    This is an honest and touching post. Thank you for writing it. It’s something that many women go through and don’t like to talk about.
    I’m 50 and I’ve learned along the way that a man falling for you has a lot more to do with your perception of yourself than theirs. When I was younger, I was a size 10 and that was considered fat. Because I thought I was fat, I didn’t think I deserved to be treated well. I felt I was lucky someone was paying attention to me. It didn’t matter if they weren’t respectful or even nice. My size affected my self-esteem, I attracted some really crappy guys, and ultimately a good one. After having kids, my weight ballooned up to 267 pounds and my husband still found me attractive.
    I will admit I feel better about myself when I’m more fit (like now), but I also learned to be proud of myself for my other attributes and accomplishments along the way. I learned that when I am good to myself, other people treat me well too.
    Focus on the positive, be proud of who you are, love yourself first, and trust me, you will radiate confidence and attract a man who adores you for you.

  14. says

    Your size and how you feel about it does affect relationships. If you get bigger during a relationship, you may not think it changes things but eventually it does. If you think you have nothing to offer and feel terrible about yourself you won’t really have much to offer.

    I agree that most women don’t like to talk about this. It’s something A LOT of us have felt but its hard to admit.

  15. says

    Great post..and I agree with all of it. That is totally my life. I’m 36 and never been married because I’ve always blamed my weight loss. I have to admit my current diet is in part because I want to meet a man and at this weight I just don’t feel desirable. Thank you for writing this and helping me feel not as alone.

    Also, thanks for letting me know about that show. I will make sure not to watch it.

  16. says

    you know, when at first I read this… I thought.. what is she trying to say”

    But I have to admit I have been on both sides. Both sides being the judgmental and the receiving end. I have actually said (now keep in mind I am no size 2) to any situation in particular ” that girl should be lucky to get a guy like that’ or ‘she should really be nicer to him, look at her” seriously. I just reached into the time space continuum and slapped myself on the face. I think no one is safe from the thoughts of ‘can you really love a fat girl” thats the mentality that I had when i got “fat”. I didnt grow up fat, but its funny, once you ARE fat the memories/feeling of being skinny disappears. At least for me it did. I dont remember being skinny or slim or thin etc. I just remember being fat. Having lots of boyfriends/pseudo boyfriends/bad relationships and definitely my fair share of weird ones.

    Its hard not to feel bad about being fat. There are shows saying its ok to be fat, there are shows about how it sucks to be fat. then you have the commercials, billboards, special episodes of tv series about (to the point of obsession) about how you must get thinner. you must be NOT obese. You MUST LOSE WEIGHT. Eat healthy etc. Its very conflicting and confusing at times. Do I convince myself that I am ok? At what level of Fatness is it bad? When are you skinny enough? I would like a commercial to point that out.

    Previously skinner but now fat but not too fat and not that hot chick from Florida

  17. says

    I met my husband at 245 pounds. I was already down 100 when we met. My weight was never an issue. we met online… I know, I know. It was a message board. Anyway, it was his love and support that was the catalyst for me losing the rest of it. I want us to last and the only way to give us the best chance at that was to lose the rest of the weight. I lost another 80 pounds and have been at this weight approaching five years this fall.

    When I decided it was time to lose the rest of it I sat him down and for the first time ever talked weight and food with him. He was very sweet thinking I wanted to lose 10 pounds! We weren’t engaged yet but I knew then he was a keeper. I know without a doubt that this man married me for me, not what I look like. These men exist, they are just hard to find.

    Yours is out there too, no matter what you weigh.

  18. says

    I met my husband, who is a perfectly normal guy (not fat and not a “chubby-chaser”) four years ago, when I weighed roughly what I weigh now. It was pretty much love at first sight for both of us. We genuinely adore one another and weight has nothing to do with it. I know that kind of thing doesn’t happen all that often – I’d been fat and single for six years. But in my early twenties, when I was “normal”, I also got treated badly by men. Ultimately I think men are attracted to confident, well-groomed, intelligent women. It helps if she’s hot, but for some guys it’s not a deal-breaker if she isn’t. The trick is to find the genuine guys out there!

  19. Mal says

    I totally hear everything you wrote, and I have felt all the things you said, even if I know that they can’t be true. Skinny people can be lonely and unloved just as big people, they just use different excuses. Anyone can be/feel unloved and anyone can be loved.

    I realised that when I was a teenager, I was unhealthy, I didn’t take care of myself, and I blamed my lack of boyfriends/friends/etc on my weight, but as soon as I started taking care of myself, even before any physical change had been made, I was more attractive to people; friends and love interests. Taking pride in who you are, feeling good about yourself, taking care of yourself, these are the things that, IMO, are what makes someone seem lovable and attractive. I’ve been reading your blog for a few weeks now, and the lifestyle that you are striving for, to be happy and to be healthy and to have a lifstyle you can be proud of, are the things that attracted me to you and your story.

    SO, I think that you, and all people are lovable; most of the time, they just need to KNOW for themselves before other people catch on. So keep taking care of yourself and knowing that you are more than worth the effort and other people will figure it out too (and they won’t be the shallow jerks that ‘put up’ with hot girls just because they’re hot). And your brothers and guy friends are stupid….and the lucky person you end up loving likely won’t be a shallow dink, lol.

    And stop supporting what sounds like a terrible show! They won’t air that crap if no one watches it.

  20. says

    To be honest, I wasn’t trying to say anything. The post didn’t have a point. I didn’t know I was going to write it. It just came out. It’s only a confession, an expression of something that has been on my mind.

    I agree that it is hard not to feel bad about being fat. Even if you are comfortable with yourself you are constantly bombarded by messages that you are bad/wrong/unhealthy/need to change. It’s all a mess and very confusing trying to figure out what is thin, what is fat, and where you fit in.

    I agree that anyone can be unloved or make excuses for why relationships didn’t work out. Like I said, my best (and thin) friend has had just as many failed relationships and disappointments. It’s not always about size. But size does factor in to how we feel about those failures.

    Thank you for your kind comments.

    And I know I need to stop watching that terrible show… its like a bad addiction.

  21. says

    I used to feel the same way when I was younger. If a guy didn’t like me, I was sure it was because I was fat. Then I met my husband, and he was perfect for me, loved me for me, and I realized that it was very possible to be loved at ANY size!
    You know what I realized? Because my husband met me and fell in love with me at my “plus” size, I knew that he was the type of person that I wanted to be with, because it didn’t matter to him what size I was. He loved me for what I was on the inside. I’m actually happy that I met him when I was overweight, because I know for sure he is the type of person I want to spend the rest of my life with! I don’t know if I would have known that for sure if I was skinny when I met him…

  22. says

    Jenn –
    I love that post – you know, a lot of my clients realize they use their weight as a “test” to see if their relationship is really about them. Could that have been what you were doing?

    I gained weight after I married, and I think it was a test too, but my weight didn’t make one difference to my husband. Now he looks at my old pictures and says, “Wow, big difference” but no judgment about how I looked then.

    I also have to say that a lot of my clients use their weight as an excuse because they deep down don’t trust and don’t want to be in a relationship. These are the folks who really do have to change that trust issue first, before losing weight.

    Pat Barone

  23. says

    On another subject but related to one discussed here, eating healthy is one of the conditions that would help you maintain a healthy lifestyle. However after experiencing many programs that worked and some that did not worked for me. I decided to go for a gastric bypass.

    It was not an easy decision but after reading more and more about the devastating consequences of obesity, such developing type 2 diabetes, hypertension or heart diseases. It became more clear to me that it was the only valid option.

    This intervention is not well understood by many people. But I was fixed: I wanted to change my life for the better.

    I was lucky to find a company, MedExpress Tour, that helped me through the process of finding the right surgeon and offered very competitive prices while enjoying a clement weather and stay in a four stars hotel in Morocco.
    I lost more than 90 pounds and I am thankful to them. My life has dramatically changed for the best.
    I would recommend them to anyone interested to have a surgery without going bankrupt.

    Steve Ryan,

  24. says

    I’ve definitely heard about women and men who use their weight to test potential partners. It’s great if someone loves your despite your size/weight but it shouldn’t be a hurdle they have to pass. I think a lot of us use our weight as an excuse for why we aren’t in a relationship, for why a relationship failed, and for why they can’t trust the other person. Sometimes this has sooo little to do with weight! You totally nailed that.

    I am going to guess you have never read my blog before so I’m going to let your comment slide. I don’t judge people for their choice to get gastric bypass – it is a great solution for some people – but I don’t want or need advertisements for it in my comments. Especially one that sounds like sketchy medical tourism. Thanks.

  25. says

    I echo everyone else. A very honest & raw post! I think many of us have felt the way you did. I know I did & I did not date until late as well. a lot due to my own self-hate talk cause I lost weight early on.

    I do hear & have heard guys say that they will put up with alot more from a “hot” gal so that is out there. We just all have to find a way to get past that & sounds like you are on your way!

    Keep up the good thoughts & loved this post!

  26. says

    I am willing to admit that while life hasn’t been perfect, I’m pretty damn lucky. In fact, I think my boyfriend is going to get a metal tonight or something. :)

    I’m 29, and I am totally overweight. But I have an incredible boyfriend who is honest and bright and caring. He loves me in spite of my size so I can honestly tell you that love happens for overweight girls too.

    At the risk of sounding like a know-it-all, I have to tell you that I sort of expect to be treated well, and I also believe that I deserve to be adored fat or not because I’m awesome. ;)

    That being said, I read your blog often which means I know that you’re awesome. You just have to tell yourself you deserve the best until you believe it too… I know it’s cliche, but it’s true.

    And um, for the record, guys in their 20’s are idiots. It’s not you –they’re just stupid. So sit at a bookstore and smile at the guy you see who looks like he’s 30 or so…and don’t waste any time worrying about the jacka$$es your age. They’re just stupid…and you deserve more than that. Just remind yourself of it when you don’t feel like you do.

  27. says

    Having lost 86 pounds and weighing in at 132 pounds (ok, yes, I’m bragging…) I’m getting a LOT more attention than I used to. Is it because I’m thin, because I’m more confident, or just because? I couldn’t tell ya.

    What I can tell you is that my husband trumps all.

    I’ve said it to this guy who’s been hitting on me for weeks now: You just like what you see. And that’s great, I’m happy that you think I’m pretty. But my husband loved me when we were both fat, when we were both unhealthy, and when what we loved about each other was our intelligence, our witty banter, our common interests.

    My husband has stuck with me through everything; from my weight blossoming up (I think I was about 180 when we got together, not sure, didn’t have a scale back then) up to 237 and back down. Through job losses, through my complete mental breakdown, to illnesses and family problems of every flavor you can possibly imagine. He loved me then, and thought I was hot and sexy and crazy and fun, and he loves me now and thinks I’m hot and sexy and crazy and fun. We are each other’s other half, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

    Before, when I used to date, some guys treated me badly, and I treated some guys badly, but in the end, I found exactly the right guy. You have to keep looking, tho, because those right guys… they’re kinda hidey sneaky…


  28. says

    Hey, I can relate! and I’m a guy. I still haven’t found the self esteem to think of myself as worthy of attention.

  29. says

    You are the type of person I see as getting tons of dates… I don’t know you in real life but you are so outgoing and trying new things-y on the blog and twitter, and smart and a good writer. I think maybe in high school or something, then perhaps dates would be somewhat more by size, but after that, certainly after college, ive always seen relationships as more on personality. I agree the self esteem part would definitely play a big part in it though. Of course, this is coming from someone who hates dating, and almost NEVER dates but just from observation of people around me who do date. Anyway no doubt you’ll find a great guy!

  30. says

    Girl, we’re friends, right? So I can lay it on the line here?

    I have always been varying degrees of fat. And I dated. High school, college. I asked guys out a lot, but I dated. I wasn’t always the initiator, but I was a lot. Were the guys I dated jerks? Just a few. And when I learned that, they were gone. Gone. I didn’t put up with crap. Because I didn’t deserve that. No one does.

    A few years ago, I was talking to my college boyfriend on email, about how I was really trying to lose weight. He was disappointed. He said one of his favorite things about me was how I was unapologetic for myself. I weighed what I weighed. I tried to eat well but didn’t make a big deal out of it. He was shocked to hear that I had any negative thoughts about my weight. I never let anyone see my insecurities. I was happy and fun and people wanted to be around me. (I want to think I am still those things, but that was a long time ago.) And this boyfriend? Ran marathons. Very serious about his eating. And he still wanted to be with me for a while. Then he decided he likes dudes. But that’s another story for another day…

    My husband has know me for a zillion years, at all variety of weights. I was around 180 when we started dating, at my heaviest (of 253) when we got engaged, we got married around 200, etc. And he doesn’t see my weight. He never has. I don’t want to see he looks past it because that implies there’s something wrong with me. There’s not. Being fat does not make me unlovable or undesirable.

    I don’t let my weight define me, although that is what I blog about. I am a lot of things. I am smart. I am funny. I am giving and kind. And that’s what I focused on when I was dating. If I focused on my weight back then, I probably wouldn’t have dated as much. Other people see what what you put out there. You give off signals – body language, in your talk – that either attract people or make them want to be around someone else. If you think you’re not going to attract boys, it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy and you won’t.

    You get back what you put out there. So get out there. I know you have friends. And they have other friends you could hang out with. Meet people. Date people. But know that you may have to make the first move. Not just because you’re unlovable, but because you have to go after what you want. Just like anything else. Flirt. Be coy. Pursue quality boys. Don’t play games. Don’t wait for someone to sweep you off your feet. If you see someone you like, go after him. Be yourself. Focus on – and show them – the parts of you that you love.

    Size is only a roadblock to relationships if you let it be. I truly believe that. Push the roadblock aside, girl. Go get ’em.

  31. says

    Your comment made me smile. You are an amazing woman and I really appreciate your comment. Thanks!

    @Lynn C
    First, you deserve to brag. Totally.
    Second, when I was thinner than I am now I got more attention too. Partly because my confidence was ridiculously high at the time. I think that the extra attention is because of both factors: thinness and confidence. But mostly confidence.

    I think you are awesome. Really. You are one of my favorite bloggers and someone I think has done and will do really amazing things. I hope you do find that self-esteem because you are worthy of attention and love.

    Thanks. Sometimes I have lots of dates, sometimes I have none. It’s all just dependent on whether I’m meeting people who like me (and vice versa) or not. I actually hate the whole dating thing, but I like that you think of me that way!

    Your comment wins as my favorite. That’s all I have to say.

  32. says

    Wonderful post!! So real and honest! And the responses are heartening!!

    I think Diane summed it up best with this: “I’ve learned along the way that a man falling for you has a lot more to do with your perception of yourself than theirs.”

    My husband is tall and thin…what I would consider naturally thin. He doesn’t have to try. He never overeats. He’s a picture of moderation. When I met him, I was heavier than I am now and after we were married I gained quite a bit! He always loved me…always. And he’s always been attracted to me. I didn’t always love myself though. What I see now is that he provided a safe place for me to heal and learn to love myself…to see what he sees. Then I lost 50+ pounds and my already happy and secure marriage became even more so. When I regained a few pounds I had a bit of a struggle and I had a conversation with him…what he wanted more than anything was for me to just be happy no matter what. He didn’t care if I lost the pounds I had regained…he just wanted that confident, secure woman who loved herself…and him.

    I also agree with Krissie in regards to going after what you want…and getting back what you put out there! I know you probably hear this often, but remember that you are young and that you have time. I didn’t find what I consider to be true love until I was 33. And I married when I was nearly 36.

    So hang in there…get to know yourself and what YOU really want. Make a list! Focus on the positive in yourself and others…and you will find it!

  33. says

    What wonderful writing…..and I love your openness. You’re truly gifted!!

    And it really got me thinking: even when I’ve been “thin”, I too had the similar thoughts & feelings that you did. That I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t pretty enough, and even that I wasn’t thin enough — and all that (plus some other gunk) also brought on an eating disorder and disordered eating.

    Isn’t that amazing? No matter what we look like, we always want to look better. But looking better starts on the inside. Love who you truly are, the gifts that you have (and you definitely have lots), and be comfortable with YOU, and trust me, someday you will meet that man. I never thought I’d find mine, but after kissing many frogs, I did find my prince charming.

    It wasn’t until I was really comfortable with WHO I WAS (flaws and all….hey, nobody is perfect!) did I find the man of my life. And he’s always loved me no matter how I looked or what my body looked like (yup, flab and all).

    So stand tall and be proud of the amazing, talented, smart, funny woman you are. And you know you are much much more. You have so much to give to this world, and to give to a man. But don’t let a man define you — YOU define you. And if you really take the time to look in the mirror, you will start to see what other people see….an incredible beautiful woman.

  34. says

    wow… love this post Mary. Love it. For me when I was a size 16 I used to have a lot of the same feelings. Funny thing is I’m with the same guy. He’s been by my side when we met in a 12, dated in 16 married in a 14 and now raising a family in a 6.

    Over the 15 years we’ve been together all the weight stuff, all the self confidence issues, worrying, the thinking I’m not good enough, all of it, was in my head.

    There are good guys out there. Good people that eill love you for you.

    I love that you faced your thoughts as I think it’s a powerful step in being even more confident and confidence is what most people are attracted to (in my opinion.)

  35. Jennifer York says

    I have never seen that show, and I don’t think I would want to!
    I have had a number of relationships, 2 with guys and 6 with women, and weight has never been an issue in any of them. Falling in love with someone doesn’t include the word “but”!
    I love him/her, but….
    I have had skinny boyfriends, and all sizes of girlfriends, and what will always matter is the content of their character not the number on the waistband of their jeans.
    There is nothing hotter than a confident woman!
    For a production company to degrade people this way, and to have them play to the lowest common denominator is shameful.

  36. says

    “And it’s true. I’m sweet. I’m fun. But I’m not hott.”

    I think you have it wrong.

    Being sweet and fun makes you hot. You just need to find the right person. Remember, your perception of yourself is others reality.

    I am sure you will find the right guy. One that will find you as sweet, fun, and hot (Or HAWT) as you are.

  37. says

    Wow, after all those comments I’m not sure if I have anything original to say. I have seen it as an impediment. I accepted crap from boys because it was better than not having anyone. Then it was a fluke, I met my husband (online). The year before I met him I was online and I realized that it was a game of numbers I dated dozens of men that year. I realized that if one doesn’t work out, there will be another one tomorrow or the next week. It really helped, in real life my circles were pretty small, but online I met some interesting (and slightly scary) guys but it really gave me perspective…

  38. says

    Thanks for this post, Mary–and for all of the comments, everyone else. This has been a good read for me tonight. I’ve run the gamut of weight/size from a 7/8 in HS/College to a size 30 at my largest. I’ve also run the spectrum in regards to dating with a pretty spot on correlation between thin=dating a lot to large=date never. As I think about it, I’m pretty sure that the reason for the diminished dating is probably 70/30. I would dare bet that 70% of the reason for the fact that I don’t date at this larger size has to do with how I feel about myself. I liked what Krissie said above, “You get back what you put out there.” and I can see how that is applicable in my case. I think the 30% plays in that the number of men who are interested in dating me due to my weight has diminished the pool of men who are interested in dating me. I think one of the comments mentioned that many of us use our size as a way to “test” our dating partners or the men in our lives. I think I’m probably guilty of that. Unfortunately, that logic has backfired. Great food for thought.

  39. says

    You’re not alone. I have been thin once in my life but the old tapes about being fat never went away. So, guess what happened? I got fat. Now I’m working on erasing those tapes and keep playing my most blissful moments in my head. What is really amazing to me is that the best moments in my life were all when I ate right, exercises and (you guessed it, I’m sure) weighed less with seemingly little effort because I was (gasp) HAPPY!

  40. says

    I’ve always been the fat girl.

    What is really irritating is that now, I can look back and think “Damn! I was thin back then! I was hot with one /or/ with two t’s! Why the hell didn’t I see it then?”

    Fat is not always on the hips. Sometimes it’s in the eyes. Even if some guy told me I was attractive, I didn’t believe it.

    Now, I like myself a lot better — even if there truly is more of myself to like. I haven’t gotten to the point of actually loving myself, but it’s still an improvement.

  41. says

    Just look at the amount of plus size wedding gowns and tux rentals for big and tall men that sell every Spring and Fall. Fat people find love and get married all the time!

    It’s only TV that makes us think it’s such a rarity to find love when we’re ovesized by society’s standards.

  42. says

    I say ditto for everyone else’s comments!

    I love the honesty of your post and the fact that so many of us can relate should let you know you are not alone in this. I was engaged to someone who told me that I was fat and needed to lose weight or else I’d never be attractive. Thankfully, I didn’t marry that asshole. (who by the way, is VERY large now, thanks to facebook stalking. Karma!) :)

    When I met my oldest son’s father, I was at my skinniest. Borderline anorexic. I ended up getting pregnant and he told me that he could never be attracted to me if I didn’t lose the baby weight after our son was born. That was a major red flag for me, I booted him out of my life and decided we were better off without him. Nobody should put conditions on their love for you.

    Now, I’m married to someone who loves me no matter what my size. (truthfully, he prefers a little more than less.) Like Roni said, you deserve to find someone who loves you for YOU. Whether there is more or less to love, it should make no difference.

    And the point to my rambling, is that we all share a very common background.
    and no matter what ANYONE else says, we are all HAWT! :)

  43. says

    This is going to sound strange, but I have always had boyfriends…and pretty decent ones. I was on average a 12/14 in high school. I had very devoted boyfriends…in fact I am ashamed to say that 90 percent of the time, I was the one doing the dumping. What was the key for me? I didn’t need a boyfriend. I was happy alone, very busy alone, and didn’t NEED a boyfriend. If there is one thing a guy can smell, it’s desperation. Nothing makes em ditch quicker. Have your crap together, be happy. What do men who want to commit want? They want a woman who is laid back, happy, easy going, good morals, and sets high standards for herself. I think if a girl takes care of herself and doesn’t cling or act needy she will date and eventually, find a guy who loves her for her. Also, make sure you aren’t enforcing a double standard here. Will you date a heavier guy? Someone who isn’t perfect looking. I see women complain all the time, I have to look perfect, but then have a list a mile long for how the guy has to look, what sort of job etc. Just sayin’ Be self contained, confident and you shouldn’t have a problem.

  44. says

    Totally agree with everything you just said. Everything. I’m gonna have to say I am all of those things (laid back, happy, easy going, super good morals, high standards). Yay. Now all I have to do is find a good guy. :) I’m okay without one, honestly. I date but don’t stick with anyone long if they don’t treat me right. The dating process is just rough though… lost of bad guys mixed in there, at least in my case. Eventually I will find the guy. :)

  45. says

    My goodness, what a beautiful post.

    I identify with this post more than I really want to admit. I am the fat guy, and I have been for a long time. I have always been amazed when a girl wanted to be with me, especially when there were so much more attractive guys out there.

    I was once very deeply in love with a beautiful woman who was fairly large. We broke up for reasons that had nothing to do with weight, but it was not until much later that I realized that I was a fool for not asking her to marry me. This post made me think of her, and miss her.

  46. says

    Very thought provoking post. I felt that way for a long time. I think the extra weight makes it more difficult to find love, because of the way that our society elevates and worships thinness. Guys are bombarded constantly with thin in magazines and on tv. So naturally they are programmed that that is the ‘norm’. It isn’t a certain level of maturity hits that I feel a guy can look at that and say, a womans body is gorgeous no matter what size.

    On that same note…would you even want to be with a guy that only loves you because you are thin??? I’ve had friends lose a lot of weight to ‘find a guy’. They snare their man, get married and then constantly worry about gaining weight for fear that they will lose their Mr. Right. Make sure that your Mr. Right loves you for you…and not because you’ve lost weight or whatever. I feel very blessed that I met and fell in love with my husband when i weighed 300 pounds. He’s tickled that I’m losing weight…but I know that even if I did go back to being 300 pounds, he would love me anyway!

    Patience….Mr. Right will come along!

  47. says

    Beautifully honest post and feelings/thoughts most of us can identify with. Having lived through it (and survived!), my older, wiser self knows that the real answer is to love myself enough for two people and someone will eventually glom onto that and want to share.

  48. says

    Let me just tell you – My cousin, who is one year older than me, has always been chubby, but she’s beautiful, fun, outgoing…..and always scooped more guys than me. Hands down! It think men adore her because she’s confident in who she is. She’s not necessarily happy with her weight, but confidence still spews out of her.

  49. says

    I have been watching the show too. I think there are some positive bits about it. These women state they are feeling more confident, etc. That’s a great thing. What REALLY concerns me about it…almost every interview done after a girl is eliminated, she says something to the effect of “I hope he didn’t kick me off because I was the biggest girl in the house/because I am fat/etc.” It bothers me these girls leave feeling rejected for their weight. Do they really need another experience like that?

  50. says

    Yeah I noticed that about the show too. Even though they are all so excited and talking about how they are loved despite their size, and how the dude loves bigger women, they still question whether they got kicked off because of their size. On a show about love for bigger people! How crazy is that! It shows that really, mostly this kind of thing is all just in our own minds.

  51. says

    “Size doesn’t discriminate when you aren’t dating good people.” AMEN.

    I have dated the alcoholic, the workaholic, the cheater, you name it. I think it’s easy (for ME) to create excuses for myself as to why I haven’t found the right person. Because I’m not a good enough person, because of my eating disorder, because I don’t know what I want to do with my life….it’s just easy.

    I do COMPLETELY agree about the hot girl thing. I know most of my guy friends say the same thing, “She’s a bitch, but she’s hot.” The GOOD news is that as men get older, they are less willing to put up with that sh!t. Who wants to be married to a bitch? Yeah, she might be hot, but she’s still a bitch. :-)

    Great post.

  52. says

    I understand you here completely. Remember we are all beautiful inside. Each of us will find our other half when the time its right. Size, appearance don’t last. But sad to say, the world judge people based on how we look. But as long as we love ourselve. It doesn’t matter what people think.

  53. says

    My wife got me into the Bachelor a few years back so I was intrigued when More To Love hit the airwaves. My wife and I were both heavy when we met and we’re still together today. We just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary, in fact. Now, we’re both making some changes to get the weight off, but our size never effected how we felt about one another. Great post!

  54. McLauren84 says

    Wow, this post and the resulting comments have really taken me back to some darker days. I had a few boyfriends in high school and college that used me and threw me away. I remember starving myself for weeks after the break up, hoping not only to reveal a new hot body and show them was they missed out on, but also to create a physical expression of my inner agony. I can relate to your post on so many levels, and thank you for having the guts to put this out there.

    Like so many others have said, there is no way you WON’T find the right guy. I met my boyfriend of five years weighing around 170. Within two years, I was up to 240. I’m back down to 190, but he honestly doesn’t care. He has always been attracted to me and truly adores me. The only aspect of my weight he notices is my decreased confidence when it’s up. He hates that I won’t let him touch my stomach or see my completely naked. THESE GUYS EXIST! My boyfriend is wonderful and definitely a cutie, and he will always love me.

    Mary, just look how infectious your personality is. This post, like so many of yours, really resonated with your readers, and all have poured out their hearts to sing your praise and come to your defense. You will absolutely find someone great, and I think you know it.

    As a sidenote, you are totally gorgeous anyway!

  55. says

    I knew I wasn’t the only one that has heard guys say that crap! And I totally agree about the marrying a bitchy girl thing… she’s hot but she won’t always be, but she will always be a bitch! Who wants to live with that? Dang.

    That’s great to hear! Good luck to you and your wife! :)

    Your guy sounds awesome! I know great guys are out there like that… there just aren’t as many, hehe. Thanks for the compliments. You are so sweet.

  56. Xio says

    In high school, I wasn’t particularly good looking. My max weight was 232lbs. I always had a shaved head and was typically wearing all black with a jacket on hiding myself. Near the end of high school I lost my mind. I lost over 70lbs in 3 months. I became a gorgeous male with a mysterious psychosis. Enter first girlfriend. Several relationships and a failed marriage later, I can tell you love is a filthy lie. People are terrible no matter their weight. It’s a pitiful attempt by culture to dominate our personalities and force us to conform. I am thin and fit these days, and have yet to find anyone worthy of “love”. Thick or thin, people are disgusting liars.

  57. Ginny says

    Hey Xio… there are some seriously nasty people out there. I was married to one for 9 years, then seriously involved with another for 3 years. Fat or thin, I could not get a man to treat me as anything more than a substitution for what they really wanted.

    I can’t believe that all people are liars though – I’m not a liar myself. Doesn’t do much good when everyone around me IS a liar. There has to be at least one other person out there who is honest.

    Real love doesn’t force conformity. Real love should embrace the differences between two people and create a completely unique, personal dynamic between them.

    Of course, that’s the dream for me, anyways.

  58. alice says

    i feel awful! here, in brazil, fat girls are so neglected, humiliated… we have to stand jokes and prejudice

    i know it’s instictive, related with sex (i mean, guys want skinny girls because they’re easier to hold, fold, throw lol), and everyone has problems to find the “soulmate” but for us is much more difficult

    i had only one boyfriend when i was at college (during 3 years) and – not for a coincidence – when i met him i was thiner.. i used to starv all day long, everyday, and do exercises even when i was very tired…

    we broke up because other reasons (like every relationship) and i could live alone for a rest

    trouble is, since 2007, i’ve been single… and getting fat again

    and now i want a guy and i can’t find anyone! nice guys are all commited or simply don’t look at me

    i cannot accept being judged only for my shape… i feel depressed, i’ve low self-estim

    ps. sorry for my terrible english

  59. Alexis says

    This was a great post. I’m 21 years old and I wear a size 14/16 and I feel this way. Whenever people compliment me I just feel like they’re being nice, or guys only talk to me because they are just trying to get some and they think I’m desperate. I really feel that when I lose weight more people will like me and I will be lovable. I know that’s stupid, but that’s the voice in my head. Thanks for this post though because I know I’m not alone

    • Amanda says

      your definatly not alone. I wish i wore a 14-16 again. lol. im in a tight 20 now :-( but am trying to get down to a 14 agin. I liked myself then bc i actually got some attention from guys and i felt like i had options. I’m 22 and know the feeling. i thin if i lose weight more people will like me. It just seems like skinny girls have it easy. but them again i guess if i was really skinny id prob want to gain a lil weight. I guess nobodys heppy with the way they are. But i am sure you are a pretty girl and dont ever settle. just keep remindingyourself you are beautiful inside and out and whoever doesent see that can just hit the curb!

  60. Rachel says

    Your brothers are jerks if they tell you that guys put up with more from hot girls. I’ve met those guys. You don’t want to date them, no matter what your size is!

    Someone who’s actually a caring, intuitive, kind person will not care what your size is. And if someone does, that’s a good indicator that they are, well …. a jerk. I’ve always been heavy and I’ve found that most guys assume I’m desperate because of my size. Which gets them kicked to the curb. BUT there are tons of guys out there who realize I’m more fun than the ditzy hot girl and who appreciate that. A relationship should be more about spending time with the other person and enjoying it. Hot people are boring.

    Sorry for the rant.

  61. Amanda says

    Hey girl we are a lot alike. I also started dating when i was 20 and I am just now 22. I lost 60 lbs and finally got a boyfriend. We have been together for a year now and a few months a go he told me I need to lose weight or he is going to dump me. talk about stabing me in the heart. (i forgot to mention I gained back that 60 lbs this past year.) so yes i am fat. I am 250. I look less than that. Maybe 230. but still fat. When i was 190 i look about 170. I honestly do carry my weight well. But again at 250 your still fat. It pisses me off bc i think he should love me for me. And i know he does. He just says he is not attracted to me at this weight. I still wounder why he would hurt me like that. He says he didnt mean to and that he had been hinting around for a while but i wasnt getting it. I love him and I want to marry him. and i know thats the reason why he has not asked me. When i think about it alot it makes me wanna get down to like 150 and get super hot and dump him. I woundnt do that. But you know when your mad you think of crazt things you will never really do.l feel stupid sometimes for still being with him. But when you truly love someone it is hard to walk away. But i do know that i am a pretty girl. I’m probably one of the hottest 250 lbs girls around. But at 250 it seems nobody sees that except dirty old men. lol. but true. hey girl hit me back. maybe we can be friends and talk about this stuff. I want you to know i really do understand what it is like and you are a pretty girl weither or not all these stupid guys relize it or not.