After the response to yesterday’s post I am almost at a loss for what to say. The comments left on the post “Because You Just Can’t Love A Fat Girl” were interesting, eye-opening, encouraging, and thought-provoking. There was a lot of great stuff in there, but what I found most interesting was the way many comments led my thoughts down a different path. Instead of thinking about love and relationships I found myself thinking more about weight and how it affects our own self perception.
Losing weight, gaining weight - these changes in size change you. They change how you look on the outside but even more profoundly they often change how you feel and think about yourself. When you lose weight you gain confidence, you feel better, you think you look better and you project a more confident image of yourself. When you gain weight there is a constant nagging voice of failure in your mind that says you can’t be as confident because you just don’t look as good anymore. Here is the thing: it is all in your head.
Fitarella mentioned the “FAT voice” in her own mind, the one that constantly asks if she will ever be good enough. Despite all her achievements being the wonderful person she is the voice still hangs around telling her fat is unlovable, fat is no good. Roni mentioned that with her husband, “Over the 15 years we’ve been together all the weight stuff, all the self confidence issues, worrying, the thinking I’m not good enough, all of it, was in my head.” It seems we all let the fat voice win way too often. We allow the negative thoughts to seep into our minds and change our self perception even when no one around us agrees with it.
And that self-perception, how you see yourself, apparently has more to do with who you are and how you find love and interact with people that anything else. As Diane said, “I’ve learned along the way that a man falling for you has a lot more to do with your perception of yourself than theirs.” You are the one in control of how you see yourself and you are also in control of how others see you. The fat voice wants you to be sad and think you aren’t worth much because of your weight. If you listen, that is how others see you. But that doesn’t have to be the way it is.
Instead, you can define yourself outside of your size. Like Krissie said, “I don’t let my weight define me, although that is what I blog about. I am a lot of things. I am smart. I am funny. I am giving and kind. And that’s what I focused on when I was dating. If I focused on my weight back then, I probably wouldn’t have dated as much. Other people see what what you put out there. You give off signals – body language, in your talk – that either attract people or make them want to be around someone else. If you think you’re not going to attract boys, it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy and you won’t.”
The FAT voice is a self-fulfilling prophecy for many bigger people. The FAT voice is a dangerous thing that exists in our own minds, and often it exists at every size. You don’t have to weight 400 pounds to wrestle with the fat voice. A gain of five pounds when you weigh 120 can quickly introduce you to the FAT voice. Once it gets entrenched in your mind, it convinces you that you can’t do things skinnier people can. “You can’t exercise at this size, what’s the point? You can’t really lose weight permanently, so why try? You can’t find anyone to love you, so why even date?” But if we listen to what other people are saying, we realize we have control over our lives. We can do whatever we want and be whoever we want. We can be healthy. We can be active. Fat doesn’t define you. Thinness doesn’t define you. Size shouldn’t matter. So, do yourself a favor and tell the FAT voice to shut up.
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Amen to this: But if we listen to what other people are saying, we realize we have control over our lives. We can do whatever we want and be whoever we want. We can be healthy. We can be active. Fat doesn’t define you. Thinness doesn’t define you. Size shouldn’t matter. So, do yourself a favor and tell the FAT voice to shut up.
THANK YOU for sharing!
Great post! You have made a wonderful discovery and I hope that now you can enjoy being you and move forward in life doing all the things that you felt you couldn’t do because that nasty voice stopped you.
Enjoy!
I listened to the FAT voice for a long time. Even after all these years of maintenance it’s still there sometimes. It’s not easy to silence it forever. I just have to listen to the true voice, and not the false one.
Great post, and I think it’s wonderful that you are so insightful!
Good advice, telling the “Fat Voice” in my head to shut up. In fact, I’m going to tell ALL the voices in my head to shut up…
Great post, Mary.
Hear hear! I fully agree!
I hate my fat voice it is full of crap! Somehow we all need to find the strength to just flat out ignore it. The times I am strong enough to ignore it I am happier, prettier, more confident and Mr. Fabulous loves me more. That is how it seems at least even though I am the exact same!
Our minds are powerful. We need to keep a good firm grasp on them!
Amen!
Girl, you are on a roll with the insights! Thanks for sharing.
My son has funny t-shirts he wears to work…one says something about “some of the voices in my head don’t like you”…I need to find the voices that are on my side and tell the others to take a flying leap! LOL!
The “fat voice” is very real. I have been fortunate, it hasn’t had the same hold on me that it has some people, but I would be lying if I didn’t tell you that the “fat voice” has played a big role in many decisions in my life.
So true! I often have issues not defining myself as the fat girl, and I need to define myself as me…
I drown my fat voice with liquor. and long walks.
Nothing left to say, but ‘Amen.’
kick your fat voice in the *ss. It’s worth it. I call it my negative tape. Here is an interesting exercise. Everytime you say something negative in your own mind about yourself, make a tally mark on your hand with a pen. I once covered the inside of my arm up to the elbow in one day. Then, work on reducing it.
chris
The FAT voice is a treacherous being and must be stamped out of existance. I’ve struggled with it so much over the last few months. I call mine “that negative bitch!” LOL
I know this might not work for a lot of people but I actually talk back to it now (not out loud though!). For example, I was so proud that I could leg press 70kg in my 2nd PT session. And the NB says “So what? you’re still gigantic! Fatty!”. My reply”My legs are stronger than ever and they’re perfectly primed to kick your arse NB!”
Nothing like talkin’ smack to you inner demons. Yes, I am slightly insane. :)
You entries are great to read – very thought provoking! You’re a great writer and I enjoy reading what you have to say. :)
Great post. That voice, you really have to learn how to recognise it as it can come in many forms and can be quite deceptive. Once you recognise it, you have to combat it. Kind of like CBT.
SHUUUUUUUUUUT UP FAT VOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-)
I just want to clarify my statement above, that I think it also depends on where your fat voice came from and what the circumstances were that it manifested in your life. That can have a lot to do with how the FAT voice is “spoken” so to speak. When I say I equate fat=unlovable, I don’t equate that for anyone else but myself. I don’t look at someone and think “she/he is overweight, they will never find love”, I DON’T hear the fat voice when it come to other people, I hear it when it comes to myself. I’m working on it though, and that’s all I can do.
magazinemagazinemagazine :)
In all serious I do want to say that YOUR VOICE needs to be heard and Im so glad to see another THIS IS ME, PEOPLE! MY THOUGHTS. DEAL WITH IT. post from you.
(If you ever have selfdoubt please to go up and reread Annie’s comment especially the final 2 sentences)
Such insightful advice. Our minds are so strong and when we get them in the right mindset there’s no stopping us.
@Fitarella
I knew when you wrote that you were talking only about yourself and the voice wasn’t projected onto anyone else. That was so clear to me I didn’t even think to clarify it for others. I think the FAT voice is definitely something thats attacks you only. In some people it creates such insecurity that they attack outward and hate on others. You are nothing like that.
@Miz
You’ve totally inspired and encouraged me. I need to get my voice out there. It might take a while but I will make it happen.
Unfortunately, the fat voice can be supplemented by outside voices. I know people who are on medications such as prednisone that adds weight who try to stop taking the medication even against doctor advice because of the weight gain. They are “down” anyway and then perceive what others say and react in a “overreactive” way because of their own “fat voice.”
We really need to look at the way we promote body size.
@Lela
That is very true and something I think a lot about.
Another great post, Mary. If I had told the fat voice to shut up when I was 18 I’d probably still weigh 136 pounds. Makes me want to go through my old journals and did up all of the negative things I wrote/said to myself and have a ceremonial burning!
Love this post! You are right on. I think it does have to do with how we perceive ourselves and not as much as how others might perceive us. I still struggle with this. I think people might judge me when I walk into a room solely due to my size (even though I am almost at goal now and fall well within “normal”). Do you know what I realized awhile back? That worrying about what others think of me is somewhat self absorbed. For the most part, I highly doubt anyone even is taking the time to judge me. Rather, it is ME thinking they will judge me. Talk about wasted thoughts and energy on my part!
Great blogg, I really enjoyed your article… to find like minded people!
My daughter will be turning 11 years old in August. This past year she has gained some weight but we won’t know how much for sure until she goes for her annual checkup in August but it does seem significant. When shopping for summer clothes, she is now fitting into a size 14/16 in girls. She isn’t into sports but she is into riding her bike around the neighborhood and using the basketball hoop in our front yard…but that’s about the extent of her exercise. She doesn’t eat horribly and she doesn’t snack a lot, but she does tend to overeat at dinner. I dont’ want to single her out at dinner so I haven’t said anything. It doesn’t seem to bother her unless someone else points it out to her. She has been teased at school by both girls and one boy in particular. It breaks my heart that other kids can be so mean already in the 4th grade. I’ve told her that she just needs to hit a growth spurt and it will all even out. I suppose I really don’t have anything to add to this discussion. I am an avid reader of this blog although I don’t usually post. But this time, I had to get some feelings out in this anonymous atmosphere. So, thank you for listening.
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