Like Susie just told me, I have to be honest. I do. So here it goes.
I’m struggling. I’m struggling a lot.
I’m struggling with being here. I’m struggling with wanting to workout and the motivation to do what I know I need to. I’m struggling with the desire to be elsewhere. I’m struggling to do all the things that just 5 weeks ago were so exciting and fun.
When I got back from Boston, a new reality set in for me. I’m not sure what it was or why it happened then, but it did. Maybe it was all the people I started with leaving. Maybe it was the fact that I knew I had only completed one third of my time here. Maybe the atmosphere changed a bit for me and I felt a little bit more alone. I’m not sure what it was.
There are just so many little things that add up to make this a struggle for me.
There are just so many little trivial things – like my lack of money to spend like other people, lack of choice, lack of freedom – that add up to make me feel this way. My world has gotten very small, and I think that is what bothers me. I don’t have a car so I’m essentially stuck here. I work, workout, eat, sleep, play, relax all in the same small building. Even in college I didn’t have to leave campus but still had to leave the building to go to class or workout. Here it is all contained into a very small world that increasingly feels less and less realistic for me. I can leave the building to walk in nature and that is about it. Everything is controlled, everything is timed, everything is perfect if you want a retreat where you don’t want to think about anything.
But I’m not on a retreat. This is my life. And I miss my friends. I miss my mom and even my brothers. I miss my freedom. I miss my car and the ability to drive around when I want to. I’m a super independent person and I feel so stifled and stuck. Just stuck. In a tiny building in the middle of nowhere with very little options to leave. I’m only a few hours away from major cities, but that still does very little to comfort me.
I’m surrounded by people here but I still feel very alone.
So I’m struggling a bit with that.
I’m not sure there is anything to do to fix this. Even with access to someone’s car or even the GMFR vans, I still don’t have freedom. I’m still stuck within constraints. I don’t think there is a solution to make me feel better, or less alone, or happy to be here today. Because today I’m not. And maybe that’s not what you want to hear. Maybe that’s not what my bosses are going to want to hear if they read this. Maybe tomorrow it will be different (it probably will). But its the truth. And that’s all I’ve got. So there it is.
The great thing is, that this isn’t a physical struggle at all. My body is happy and strong. Just this morning I bumped up my weights in upper body and I flew through it with little trouble. So, go me. The program here is working wonders on my body and I need that. I know I need that. But still, I’m struggling. I’m struggling mentally.
The thing is I’m trying to learn how to get through these struggles where as in the past I might have turned to food. I’m emotional, sure, but I’m not going to go drown myself in calories because that won’t solve anything. That is something I’ve learned and am grateful to know. It’s hard to get past some of the mental roadblocks that come up like this, but I know I can. I know I can. I’m struggling, but it won’t be the end of me.