Yesterday after I finished writing about all the fun things we did like mini golf and luging I kept writing. I wrote about how on this trip I’ve been thinking about weight loss. It felt strange to publish it with pictures of super fun things, so I saved it for today.
Apparently I’ve turned into someone who likes extreme things. I’ve always liked certain stuff, like snowboarding, but now I’ve added bungee jumping and luging to the list. Next up is skydiving… hopefully. I really, really want to go skydiving eventually. Currently with my clothes and shoes on I don’t fit under the required weight limit, so it’s just another reason to keep losing weight. More motivation, as if I needed any more. I’ll also have to add more things to my life list like wind surfing and hang gliding and stuff like that. More reasons to lose weight and get in shape so those things are easier and more fun.
Ah, it always comes back to the weight thing, doesn’t it? In my head, while I’m comfortable with where I’m at I know things could be a lot better for me. I could run, I could be a smaller size, I could be under weight limits for awesome activities like skydiving. While I’m pretty confident in my ability to do things – like luging for instance – I know some things I can’t do and others I can’t do as well with the extra weight. I’m at the point in life where I’m freaking sick of being held back by anything in any way. If I want to do something I don’t want to once again realize I can’t because I weigh too much or even think it might not be as fun because of the weight.
I think these things but then when it comes down to it – am I really going to do this? Or have I accepted this obese state as my permanent home? Today Kepa and I were talking about being “good” at weight loss. I mentioned that I was good at it last time and now I’m not because it’s slow going with many starts and stops and detours on the slide down the scale. But he made the point that this is for life. I want to believe that. I know my healthy(ish) lifestyle is for life. But the weight thing? I’m not totally sure I have what I need to take off the weight and leave it forever. I know I shouldn’t be, but I’m doubting myself and my ability to do this. Somehow I don’t doubt my ability to do any of these crazy, extreme things yet I doubt my ability to live life at a healthy, normal weight.
Perhaps I do this because it’s something foreign to me. It’s something I’ve never done before. In my adult life I’ve never lived at a healthy weight. I’ve always been obese. The closest I ever got of normal was being just shy of 200 pounds. And maybe because it is an alien concept to me that’s why I get nervous and doubt my ability to do it. I was nervous before bungy jumping because it was something I’d never done before. I get nervous when I travel if it’s some place I haven’t been. So perhaps I get nervous about the idea of living at a healthy weight because it’s so foreign to me. I can’t even imagine myself without all this extra weight I carry around. I know it’s hurting me and causing me problems but I still can’t imagine really being without it.
I’ve written about being scared to lose weight before. But this isn’t the same as that. I’m not scared, just unsure. Unsure of how to make it happen and to make it stick. Unsure of who I will be and what my life will be like when I’m smaller. I’m sure that without a doubt it will be better, but I’m still doubting that it is even possible. I’m not good at following through and finishing projects to the end. I feel like the “make mary healthier” project might be another doomed project that ends in failure. I’ll be closer to the goal but never quite reaching it. At least it feels that way because I can’t even envision the goal.
How do you imagine something you have no tangible concept of? I can look at other people and see their weight loss success and see how it changed their life and how they went from obesity to a healthy life. But for me I just can’t see it. I question whether or not I even need to know what it would be like. Maybe I don’t and I should be able to just keep going, but instead I feel mentally stuck. And when I feel mentally stuck I always start slipping with everything else – like stopping exercise and eating whatever I want without regards to consequences. I don’t want that to happen this time so I’m blogging about it in the hopes that just throwing the thoughts out there to the world will help.
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{ 18 comments }
This is a tricky one. For me nothing gets rid of that feeling like success. When the scale is going the right way then I feel I can do it. When it’s not though. Hmm…
This is a beautiful post Mary. So thought-provoking.
And I wish I had some amazing insight to match it.
.-= Gemfit´s last blog ..Gold star day on my 5k way =-.
I wish I could give some good insight too, I’ve been thin(ish) before so I can imagine what thats like….but….I’ve never been in anyway athletic, so working out all this time, and running races is pretty foreign to me. It’s intimidating, sure, but once you really get into it its not so scary anymore.
Yeah, that probably didn’t help much, luckily you have alot of friends who are willing (and more able) to help :)
.-= Steve´s last blog ..Awesomesauce =-.
I’m a procrastinator and have a hard time finishing what I started so I SO understand your post. I also have yo-yo-ed my weight for decades and never managed to get it to a fit/healthy/normal range spot.
I think finding the answers has a lot to do with clearing out the negativity and bad self talk in our heads and re-framing it with positive, hopeful, success seeking talk. Learning to dream again and having those dreams become goals that we take baby step by baby step towards until we achieve them.
I know that’s part of it for me anyways. Now I just need to find the erase and record buttons in my mind! :o)
This is a tough challenge…For me, knowing that other people have shed the weight makes me feel like it’s possible even though I lose weight very slowly.
What is there to say? Hold on? Gather whatever inspiration is necessary (quotes, music, people)?
.-= ‘Drea´s last blog ..Exploding Was Kind Of Cool =-.
I always say my goal weight is 220. Why so high? because it’s the lowest I have ever been, and i share the uncertainty of how, when, or is it even possible to get to a healthy weight under 220?
and the “for life” thing… i think about from time to time, and honestly, i just wish it werent true. i wish i could eat like others i know and be a healthy weight. i wish someday i could be less concerned with the foods going into my body… but i know its a life thing.
.-= Whitney´s last blog ..School always inspires me. =-.
I had never been at a healthy weight from the time I was 12 until 24. I had always been obese and didn’t know how to change that. So I made little changes over time. I started with eating breakfast and taking my lunch to work. Then I started cooking dinner instead of just preparing stuff from the freezer. Then I added more fitness. I didn’t know where I was headed but knew I wanted to be happier. You need to make sure whatever level of fitness (and not thinness) you want to achieve is doable. Make it fit within your life and a part of your life and you can do it. You’ve come so far and even on vacation you’ve been doing so much walking. It is doable and I believe you can do it Mary.
.-= Cynthia (It All Changes)´s last blog ..What Goes Up… =-.
For someone that done some crazy things over this past number of days I think you’re definitely on the right path to getting in better shape.
Here’s a tip from my blog that may be of help to you…
A Failures Not A Failure – We all have this feeling of failure that we don’t want to try something in case we fail, but its not failure its feedback!
Change your thinking of failure from “I did it and it didn’t work” to “It didn’t work, so what do I need to change to get a better result next time?” Learn from your failures and move on, don’t make the same mistakes over and over again without learning the lesson!
Hope that helped!
.-= Barry´s last blog ..Sugar Addiction – Are You Addicted To The White Stuff? =-.
Boy, do I understand! “Or have I accepted this obese state as my permanent home? ” I wonder that basic thing consistantly…and the answer usually is Yes. Yes, because though I want to be healthier, 200+ is all I’ve ever known. When diet and exercise does NOTHING it becomes a worthless objective. One wonders if it’s an individual characteristic, like blue eyes or brown hair. Of course, it isn’t that. It’s just the futility of trying and the frustration of getting no where.
Right now I have not been bothering with diet or exercise in a while. I’m trying to motivate myself to get back to it. Hoping, once again, that it isn’t futile or frustrating, but that it just might be a little bit fun.
Mary, I am not sure if I read this right.. do you think it is fear of failure to lose the weight and THEN KEEP IT OFF? Are you afraid you will get there but not be able to maintain it? Is it the pressure of living up to others expectations?
I know you can do this! I understand though what you are saying as I am opposite. I know that I can do the weight & challenge things in terms of the gym & fitness but it is the fear outside the gym that gets me… why, failure, expectorations, money (let’s be true here.. I don’t have a lot of time to make up lost money).. but a lot of it is fear of failure outside the gym.
I think if you work the questions thru., you will find the answer & really, I have no doubt you will lose the weight & be able to do all those things you want to do!
.-= Jody – Fit at 52´s last blog ..If You Say "I Can’t", READ THIS NOW! =-.
I think I understand what you’re saying. Not about weight loss, but for me it’s that I know I want my life to be different, but I can’t properly picture how it should be, and so I feel like I have a hard time changing it. I have been making progress, but it’s slow. But what else is there to do, but keep trying? After all, it doesn’t hurt anything.
.-= merri´s last blog ..Celibacy: Unhealthy?? =-.
This is a great post! I think a lot of people pin their hopes, dreams, and happiness on being smaller, but that kind of “stuff” comes from inside. Maybe that’s part of what you’re struggling with? You might not be happier when you get to your goal weight, it might NOT be possible for you to be any happier than you are right now, but you will be healthier. And you will possibly live a longer life. And you’ll be able to do some things you can’t do right now. Maybe that won’t make you “happier,” but it could improve the quality of your life.
As much as we concentrate on weight & appearance for weight loss, it really IS a mental game. When your head isn’t in the right place, it simply won’t work. I can completely understand having trouble visualizing your end goal, and it must feel like if you can’t visualize it then it isn’t possible. It might even be de-motivating or seem like it isn’t worth it because you can’t visualize it. I don’t know. Maybe you need a bit of a vacation away from this to give yourself time to re-think your goals & figure out what is best for you right now. I know you’ll figure it out!
.-= Rachel´s last blog ..amazing savings. no, seriously, it’s amazing. =-.
I had never been thin. Like you the lowest I had been was 200 pounds and that was after I had lost 40 pounds between my sophomore and junior year of high school. It’s a leap of faith. I’m still figuring myself out at this size. FIVE YEARS LATER.
When I decided to lose the last 85 or so I was embarking on new territory and that was scary and mentally mind bending. But also scary was staying the way I was. I know I can do anything now. You can do, look at the stuff you’ve been doing!!! You can apply this get up and go to all aspects of your life.
Give yourself the chance to succeed and deal with the rest as it comes.
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..The Semester Ahead =-.
All I can say is that it’s totally worth it, and it will probably always be a struggle. And it still pisses me off that I didn’t bother until I was 33,34, because I was in a relationship that nutured mutual fatness. I’ll probably never be super thin but I’ve lost almost 100 pounds and kept it off. You have to want it, you have to want it bad, and honestly you have to sacrifice, at least for some of the time…..and anyone who says differently is lying. Maintaining has it’s challenges and years of poor eating and crappy self-image do not not go away easily, but it’s totally worth it. Better eating, exercise, it actually makes you feel better is so many ways and while I wish I had done it sooner, I feel good that at 38 I can run (let me repeat that …oh yeah…run), and I can basically keep up with my 15 year old daughter in most things. And she’s fit and althletic. You can do this and you’re worth it and you deserve it!
My advice is–don’t overthink it! As someone who was heavy for my entire adult life, losing the weight was something I couldn’t even imagine accurately. Halfway through, I was super depressed and low self-esteem. That didn’t happen when I was at my heaviest. Now I am almost at my goal weight, and I feel way better. But if you had asked me to imagine it last year when I started, I wouldn’t have been able to–and describing my new lifestyle probably would have scared me off. Baby steps–one day at a time!! It IS your life, it’s not a diet or an “exercise plan” or something that ends…but that also means, it will eventually feel right.
Good luck to you!
Great honest post. Many of us feel it but are afraid to say it. If there were only words that we could hear or read but the truth and reality comes from within. It is hard to know what it would be like when…….But all the studies can’t be wrong. I waited 50 years to deal with this and one thing I can say for sure, it doesn’t get easier as you get older so it’s wonderful you are dealing/wrestling with this now. I always say, “just get started” and see where it leads you. Best on your Continued wonderful NZ journey.
.-= Sara´s last blog ..Day of Beauty for special needs young adults! =-.
So, this may just be the therapist in me but…
Is there something else that you’re worried about? Something else that you’re unsure of? That you’re questioning? I know, for me? It’s always easiest to put any feeling I have on the closest and usual weakness – usually weight. Kinda like it’s easiest to lean on food as a coping mechanism.
You’ve got a great start. You can do this. You have made a lifestyle change. You’re not on a diet. You do this one day at a time.
Just a little something to chew on…
Awww.. You’ll do fine, hunny. I admire your determination.
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