What do I do the night before a weigh in? Well this time we made brownies. They weren’t the healthy kind (if there is such a thing) and they were delicious.
The thing about the brownies was the conversation that went on in my head as we ate them. I sat with an entire plate of brownies in front of me and from deep down a thought came telling me I should eat them all. Or if not all, I should eat as much as possible until I felt the overly full sick feeling. Somehow the desire to eat until sick, to gorge myself on chocolate despite just having dinner, felt over powering.
I didn’t do it. I only ate 1-2 ish brownies at that time (hard to tell because crumbly brownie breakage). I didn’t stuff my face and I didn’t overeat the brownies.
But the thought was there.
The mere fact of that desire’s presence made me think. Am I the girl who eats a brownie or two in moderation and enjoys it? Or am I the girl who suggests making brownies and then stuffs myself full of them? Why do these feelings never go away? I can control them, or at least ignore them, but they don’t disappear. It’s a constant tug of war, a battle between myself and the disordered eater I used to be.
As long as I end up winning then I’m happy. And I know I won’t always, that I’ll probably slip up a time or two, but as long as I don’t give in and return fully back to the way I used to be then all is well.
That aside, I have been eating some great food. Breakfast is still scrambled eggs and toast with jam. I’m pretty much addicted to this at the moment. Once I find a breakfast I like I eat it every day and don’t try anything else. So this will be it for a while.
For lunch I made an awesome sandwich, with avacado, tomato, lettuce, sprouts, spring onion and chicken. Halfway through I decided to also add the raisins I was eating and it was quite good.
Looks nice, right?
For dinner we had the normal meal Kepa eats – fish, potato wedges, and spinach. It was delicious.
After dinner I had some hot chocolate. And all in all yesterday was a great food day. Exercise wise? Well, we went shopping and walked around for a while. No formal exercise. Maybe today I’ll get that in.
I’m off to have some fun in New Zealand while I still can. Hope you have a great day as well!
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Tell Kepa he needs to add more greens! :)
I’m a bit like you when it comes to eating stuff. I find it really hard to limit myself to one or two. Must have more! I guess I’m an addict. Nowadays I try to share with my wife and not put myself in a position where there are a plethora of goodies available.
.-= AndrewENZ´s last blog ..Weigh-in post #5 2010: A good January =-.
Hehe. I’ve thought that myself about the meals. I will let him know… or he will read these comments. I need less potatoes anyway. ;)
It is hard isn’t it? I do the same thing. I’ve enjoyed having Kepa around because I can split almost anything with him.
That foods looks delicious.
I have issues w/ chocolate. I get that same feeling that you described. I want to eat it until I feel miserable. Really strange. But thankfully, I am learning to control these urges, as I see that you are too! :) Great job!
.-= Alissa´s last blog ..New Years Resolutions: Check Up =-.
I don’t have any chocolate in my house for that exact reason! I couldn’t resist the entire tray of brownies, no way! Not yet, anyway!
.-= Erin´s last blog ..We…Are…SPARTANS!!! =-.
I do exactly the same thing, its so weird. I know I will feel sick, but I do it anyway! So awesome that you didn’t succumb to that feeling, most of the time I still do….
.-= Lauren @ Eater not a runner´s last blog ..colorless dinner (and a serious dessert) =-.
I do the same thing. It takes a concious effort to not bake pastries with the intent of eating as many as possible in 1.5 seconds!
To be able to stop at 1-2ish is pretty much SUPER HUMAN! Way to go!!
Everything looks so yummy :)
Big clap for a good eating day!!
I do the exact same thing. There’s something completely messed up about the desire to just eat them all right then. Do I think they’ll disappear if I don’t? Do I think I’m doing myself a favor by “getting rid of them?” Whatever it is, I’ve never learned to pace myself or just have one a day, and as a result, it’s dangerous to have baked goods/chocolate in the house. It’s a skill I’d like to learn, but don’t know how without sabotaging myself!
.-= Kat´s last blog ..Ten in 10 Challenge – 4 Weeks In =-.
Ah, the “getting rid of them” thought is something that used to spur on my compulsive eating before. I’d make something or my mom would bring something sweet home and I’d think about it constantly and then just decide to eat it all to get rid of it so I wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore. The logic behind all of that is so majorly faulty, but that’s how it went. I’ve gotten better with that and “pacing” myself so that I only have a few or one at a time. But I still think about food like that when it’s around and wish I didn’t.
Hey there
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and love it! I love following the ‘story’ of you and Kepa :) Are either of you going to move to be with each other? I think it’s so sweet :)
I just wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel.. I’m struggling with binge eating at the moment and have been for a couple of years.. I constantly say to myself “I’m bored, maybe I’ll bake something…” and then end up eating it all … and then my boyfriend wonders what happened to what I baked and it’s just downright humiliating..
Anyway, hang in there. You can do this :)
Em xo
.-= Emma´s last blog ..Enter, the genius! =-.
Awww, thanks. I will try to move to New Zealand eventually, but it might be a while before that happens.
Binge eating is something I’ve struggled with. I haven’t done it in sooo long, but I’m still working on conquering the thought processes that lead up to such actions. I know what you mean about how humiliating it can be. Sorry about that. ;(
Thanks for the comment. Same to you.
I think it raises a really important thing that I have to ask myself a lot when I bake. Why I am I baking?
I think the idea of enjoying food, ironically for those of us who are overweight, is something that we don’t actually do that often.
Hurm.
.-= Michelle @ Eatingjourney´s last blog ..An ‘Oh HELL No!’ Moment =-.
raisins are a fun little surprise anywhere :) i like them in my couscous.
.-= liz´s last blog ..Coconut Jasmine Rice With Green Onions And Cilantro =-.
I’ve had them in couscous before and you are right – great idea. A surprise I like. ;)
That brownie picture qualifies as “food porn”. They look very yummy!
.-= SeaShore´s last blog ..Good night my Daisy =-.
All of that food looks SO GOOD. Mmmmm. What did you season the fish with?
I always have the same thought when I face down a pile of food: this weird battle goes on in my mind which says, “eat it all- eat in moderation- don’t eat any”. At different times, I’ll react in different ways. But the thoughts… yeah. The thoughts are pretty much always there.
.-= Sagan´s last blog ..Re-Cap of the Raw Food Challenge: Part One =-.
Kepa made the fish and seasoned it with smoked paprika, ground chiles, salt, pepper, lemon juice.
That’s EXACTLY how I am. ALL of those thoughts go through my head and depending on the situation I choose one of them. But eat it all hasn’t happened in a while. ;)
Those are the best looking brownies I’ve ever seen!!! I wish they were scratch and sniff :)
Great job on not downing a plateful….that is a will of steel!!
Glad to see you are having fun in NZ. When I go away any ideas about healthy eating just don’t happen, so I’m impressed that you can even think about it! Keep up the good work.
Well on our vacation last week I didn’t think about eating healthy at all. But now that I’m hanging at Kepa’s house in Auckland it’s less vacation like and I can think about eating well and exercising again.
I’ve been following your NZ adventures with great interest, it’s so great that you and Kepa found each other. I can totally understand the ‘constantly think about *insert food* and then have to fight the urge to each all of it so it’s gone.’
Overall how easy has it been to find healthy options in NZ? I’m moving there for a year at least a week today!
Really? That’s awesome! It’s easy to find healthy stuff here. Really easy in fact, if you want to. You’ll have no trouble at all!
Good job on not eating a whole plate of brownies!
.-= South Beach Steve´s last blog ..The Snow Finally Arrived =-.
Mary, that constant struggle to eat it all. I sometimes have that too when I buy too many of my treat cookies at the same time & my intention is to freeze a couple.. I usually win but even after all these years, it sneaks back. BUT you resisted & I do too so we learn!
So glad you are having so much fun!
PS: I have no idea why my comment luv will not change! I reset my computer & everything but to no avail! It wants to stay on that old post.
.-= Jody – Fit at 52´s last blog ..Tuesday at the Gym & My Cardio Workout =-.
That sandwich does look amazing. I’m not terribly into avocado, but the pictures are extremely appetizing. I don’t think the struggle ever goes away, unfortunately!
.-= Rachel @ Working Out Wellness´s last blog ..swiss chard & mushroom quesadilla =-.
I think we all struggle with the urge to splurge every once in awhile. What kills me is splurging once can be detrimental to all we have done the previous week if we take it to far. The other challenge I always look at weight in two phases the weight loss phase and the maintenance phase. During the weight loss phase you have to be so much better with your nutrition than during the maintenance phase.
Those brownies are the reason 1 high cal day per week is crucial to us continuing to lose weight. (Ever had Ghirardelli Double Chocolate brownies? Hands down the best brownies evah!) The rest of the food looks so good! Isn’t it funny how in the past we may not have felt that way? Work in that formal stuff girl, its fun with a partner even on vacay!
Good job not going crazy on those brownies- life isn’t about never having sweets but it’s about moderation and you definitely achieved that! Oh and that sandwhich looked yummy!
Tiff
.-= Tiffany´s last blog ..Day #33: Food Friends. =-.
Ooh the brownies look so moist and yummy!
Even though you thought about eating them all for the wrong reasons, you didn’t. And I think that’s what counts. The fact that you’re able to make and enjoy the brownies says a lot. I used to have an eating disorder well but I guess you could say I still do, because that never goes away, you just overlay healthy thoughts on top of the unhealthy ones and sometimes the unhealthy ones come through more than others, but you just work towards the healthy ones being on top most of the time.
I put my scrambled eggs ON TOP of toast with jam. So the jamminess gets all over the eggs. Then put ketchup over the top. Lol. It tastes good. Oh the sandwich looks tasty. Oh no youre making me hungry again lol. I love spinach.
.-= merri´s last blog ..Exotic Erotic Ball and Expo =-.
Hey Mary, first time commenter, I’m glad you have verbalised what most of us struggle with internally, and you and Kepa are inspiring me majorly! Enjoy New Zealand as much as you can, us as residents can sometimes miss the beauty of our awesome country :)
.-= Carma´s last blog ..Girls! Oiiii! =-.
Wow, those potato wedges look damn good! I never can seem to make good wedges.
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