I’m keeping it simple today. No long post, no huge thoughts from me. I just want to ask a question. It’s based partially on my own personal experience but even more so on watching others, reading your blogs, listening to your stories, observing the actions of people around me. Please give me your thoughts, even if anonymously. I want to know…
Why is it so hard to believe good things about yourself and treat yourself accordingly?
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Because you can get 100 compliments to shore you up but then get one insult and it shreds your self esteem to bits.
.-= Lyn´s last blog ..Topless Picture of an Obese Woman =-.
Ah yes. The one negative comment has more power than 100 good comments. Why?
Because we don’t believe the compliments but we believe there must be some truth to the insult.
.-= Lyn´s last blog ..Topless Picture of an Obese Woman =-.
But why don’t we believe the compliment? Why do we believe the insult?
.-= Kepa´s last blog ..Weekly Weigh-in: Late =-.
Now that, I’m not sure of. Insecurity, but that’s kind of a blanket answer…
.-= Lyn´s last blog ..Topless Picture of an Obese Woman =-.
I think that Lyn is on the right track! I was going to just say that is is due to a lack of self esteem.
For me, it is that simple!
Thanks!
WeighDownSouth.com
.-= Rob Dyess´s last blog ..Gettin’ it right!!! =-.
Because we don’t value ourselves. We don’t think that we are worth it. Because we believe what the media tells us.
Along what Lyn has said – the insults shred self esteem…i think though that we shred our own self esteem.
We are worth it. We do deserve a healthy life. We do deserve respect. We are not defined by the skinny people. We have value.
.-= Seth@1010in2010´s last blog ..The picture. Acceptance. Success. =-.
Because it’s hard to break through the years of being told you’re not good enough when you’re a kid. I can be the most confident person in the world most of the time, but one insult takes me at least a day or two to shake off.
.-= Lauren´s last blog ..Shopping for Running Shoes =-.
Great question. Don’t have the answer. I am getting there though. Learning to like myself and accept complements. It feels nice.
.-= Kat´s last blog ..Runapalooza Day 1. Beginning Runners =-.
I wish I knew, I think Lyn definitely is headed in the right direction. I know I am my own worst critic, I would never subject a friend to the expectations I hold myself too, definitely something I need to work on, nothing wrong with high self expectations, just need to work on the beating myself up if I don’t live up to them. I think I have become better at this since I focused my journey on healthy and not appearance. I am learning to love myself and what I can do and not focus on the negatives, but it’s hard I still wallow in the negative at times.
.-= Alison´s last blog ..Farther than I have ever gone in my LIFE! April 11th Food and Exercise Journal =-.
That is the million dollar question. If I knew, I would have saved myself the trouble.
.-= Jen´s last blog ..Comedy with Dad =-.
I think that, along with the afore mentioned things about self esteem and the value we place on the opinions of others, it comes down to this:
You first need to be comfortable in your own skin.
Because the only person you can change is you, trying to please someone else is a futile attempt at seeking acceptance from someone over whom you have no control. If you can be happy with who you are, then the things you do to change the way you are you do for yourself and no one else. And you can begin to believe in your value.
I have a sticker on the visor of my car, up where I can see it with just a glance. It says “You deserve what you accept,” and I heartily believe it. I accept that I’m never going to be super-model thin. I know that my hair is greying and stuff is sagging, but I’m okay with it. If someone else is unhappy with the way I look, act, talk, think, it’s their problem not mine. I surround myself with people who are secure with who they are, and avoid people who bring toxins into relationships. Because life is too short for that crap.
Merry, I’ve never “met” you, but you bring me joy. It matters not to me what you weigh, how you dress, or if you drive a BMW or a POS. Because you fill my soul with light whenever we pass one another online, and life is about people. The rest of it is just white noise.
.-= SLCSlaveDriver´s last blog ..Lights! Camera! Nike! =-.
Thanks for the compliment. I drive a Ford Mustang and a Eagle Scooter, btw! Hehehe. :)
The short answer — because no one is perfect. And while someone else might look perfect to you from the outside, they know their own flaws and hopefully treat themselves accordingly, working to improve on areas of weakness. Because unless you’re perfect, there’s always room to improve and you should be the best that you can — and you know best what your own shortcomings are. Maybe because you matter the most to yourself so you want the best for yourself and see your own flaws most clearly? Without specific context, it’s hard to say. But I certainly believe good things about myself in some areas (I’d hope everyone does), but know that there’s so much room to improve in those areas and even more to improve in other areas. Like I definitely believe I’m smarter than the average bear, but I also know there is plenty for me to learn. So how am I supposed to treat myself accordingly? Work hard at my job while also being humble and attempting some self-study to improve? With regard to fitness, I’m certainly proud of my accomplishments, and even though I’ve had a faithful workout routine for about 5 years, inertia is a law of physics and I recognize it would be easy to just let myself slip. So I try to treat myself accordingly by pushing myself, and chiding myself when I’m not careful to stretch afterward to prevent injury or when I stay up too late to tempt myself to skip a morning workout. And even for areas where I might not have much confidence in myself, like maybe I don’t think I’m a good enough wife to deserve my husband, on some level I know he chose to marry me, so I must be good enough, but it doesn’t stop me from trying to improve. It’s good for me to work to improve — it doesn’t hurt to try to be extra attentive, extra caring, extra sweet, extra giving, etc. Treating yourself as if you’re the bomb and your shoot don’t stink might turn you into a lazy, self-centered blob with no ambition that no one wants to be around b/c she brags about herself so much. Holier than thou and all that. No one wants that, so our own way of humbling is likely recognizing your own imperfections and owning them.
In addition to what others have written, I’d also suggest that we (the general “we”) tend to be self-depricating as a way of fitting in and/or relating to others. It’s also a self-protection mechanism. If we believe good things about ourselves, then there’s pressure to live up to them We think it’s easier to be mediocre and not fabulous. But one thing I know for sure, is that doing what comes easily to us is valuable to others. Being valuable is not hard. We just think it is.
.-= KCLAnderson (Karen)´s last blog ..Saying It Out Loud =-.
Ooooh, good point Karen. I was always told that no one like a person who is conceited/cocky/brags etc. We value humility above almost anything else. So is our negative, self deprecation just a way to fit that mold? If we don’t believe good things we don’t have to live up to them, but more, we don’t have to brag about them if they do exist. Hmmm. Interesting thoughts.
Wow! That’s a deep question with, in my opinion, no single answer. I think everyone has a different reason based on personal experiences in their life.
I think it is hard to accept the good because of the tape playing in our head. We all over time have heard criticism and negativity that has created a tape that we play. The goal is to truly love others as we love ourselves…because in order to do that we have to really love ourselves first…then we can love others. An exercise I use when I start down the negative path is what would I say to someone who said that to a friend of mine? Why am I will to accept it about myself? It seems to help.
.-= Megan C.´s last blog ..I AM… =-.
I think it’s so hard because most of us have failed at taking care of our bodies, which is a big stigma in today’s society. So not only are we judging ourselves, other people are also judging us (the media, our peers, our families). We get sucked into believe that we’re failures when in fact, we’re not. I’m trying to prove to myself every single day that I’ve got a ton to offer, that my full potential has not been realized yet, and I try to remind myself that I am worthy, that I am capable.
.-= Jess´s last blog ..Day 70: My First Race =-.
I’ll echo what others have said, that one negative comment sticks in our head more than x number of positive ones, for whateve reason. Also, I think it has a lot to do with our past. Negative messages we got in childhood, in past relationships, etc… Though I’m sure we all got positive messages too, so again, it comes back to just being human nature to focus on the negative?
.-= Janet´s last blog ..A Mostly Sugar Free Easter =-.
Because I was told the negative stuff for so long I’m still trying to get over it.
.-= Cynthia (It All Changes)´s last blog ..Big Liar =-.
Aw, yeah, I totally understand that one. You can get over it. I promise.
Along the lines of what some others have said about that one negative comment…sometimes I think we opt for the negative thoughts about ourselves in an attempt to “get there first”. That somehow the pain is not as great if it’s self-inflicted.
And often, in the past, the positive road required more action than I believed I was capable of giving. Thinking I *couldn’t* do something took less effort than acting on what I wanted. Silly me. :)
.-= Cammy@TippyToeDiet´s last blog ..Rambling about Designing Women =-.
Such a great question & one that I still battle with to this day. I think for me, I have less to lose if I think in the negative… If I expect it will not happen than it is all the better than it does OR if in fact it does not happen, less disappointment. The prob with this is I am disappointed whether I set myself up for it or not.
Some of this has come from my upbringing, others from being teased long the way due to weight & other things.
I do know I have gotten better but I have a long way to go.
Maybe for others, it is like me, to lessen the disappointment.
Thx mary for this very important discussion!
.-= Jody – Fit at 52´s last blog .."Reaching out is IN. Suffering in silence is Out." – Book Review & GIVEAWAY! =-.
Such a hard one to answer isn’t it.
.-= AndrewENZ´s last blog ..Weigh-in #15 2010: Weekend problems =-.
When you stop worrying about what other people think and start looking at yourself for the great person you are, your entire outlook will change. You are human, so you are not perfect. but you are no loss perfect than anyone else. When you truly love and like yourself, the opinions of others will mean less.
.-= Dr. Kal´s last blog ..Obesity In America =-.
Why is it so hard to believe good things about myself? I don’t know.
Maybe I figure if I keep myself down it’s shorter to fall. If I hate myself, it’ll be easier when everyone finally turns on me and leaves me.
.-= Kepa´s last blog ..Weekly Weigh-in: Late =-.
I love you!!
You know what I have had to deal with this. I am just reminding myself to be open. Be open to positives. Believe them. People are sending you compliments because they want to. Why would i deny them the gift that they are giving me.
Further, I have decided that I DESERVE to be healthy. That my physical being is a manifestation of the walls and insecurities which I wrap around my soul. I like to be hidden in many ways. But I don’t want to hide away from life. So I am choosing to unpack those insecurities/fat layers and being open to the world.
yeah it’s hard sometimes. I truly beleive that being ‘fat’ ‘overweight’ etc. is actually comfortable for people emotionally on some level.
.-= Michelle@eatingjourney´s last blog ..Me and Sugar: Round 47 =-.
I think it is because of many, many reasons but one of them is that negative comments stir more emotions. Sometimes humans need that inner stirring to feel like they are alive. Positive seems natural, routine, so-so. Negative stirs a passionate response or anger…which actually stirs up chemical reactions.
.-= Julie – Big Girl Bombshell´s last blog ..Boots Made for Walking =-.
I know it’s beyond trendy and into passe to blame one’s parents. But I do. My parents spent a lot of time and effort to either tear me down or make sure I realized how completely unimportant and unworthy I was. My father based everything he thought about me on what grades I was making and what choices I made for my academic career. When I consistently got lower grades in math than in English, I was worthless. Literature was worthless and no one who wanted a good job would ever want to study it.
My mother, on the other hand, was beautiful and spent most of my formative years making sure that I knew that I wasn’t.
My parents; beauty and the brains. Both of whom said that I had the best of my mother’s intellect (which is to say, none) and my father’s looks (which is to say, none.)
I graduated 4th in my class. With a GPA of 4.2. Not good enough. Why couldn’t I have been Valedictorian? (those bad grades in math, you know. I got B-s sooo many times!) Got into several Ivy League schools and ended up attending William & Mary. (Wasted my father’s money by studying literature and theater, minoring in history!)
Nothing I ever have done has been good enough for them, and it was driven into my head all the time that I had to work, work, work and maybe, possibly, I might be good enough to be average. Maybe. But it wasn’t too likely.
Trained monkeys could do this! If you spent half the time on your studies as you do on your stupid little projects… Jenny up the street got straight A’s. (nevermind that Jenny up the street wasn’t in all the honors classes, and in fact was in REMEDIAL science classes!)
No, I don’t know why I never accept compliments.
Maybe because I never got any until it was waaaay too late.
.-= Lynn C´s last blog ..Gravitational Absolutist =-.
I hate to hop on the “blame your parents” train, but I have to agree that they have a huge role in shaping your self image. For me, I had a mother who was (and still is) beautiful, but she couldn’t see it. I would sit there while she got ready for work and watch her try on outfit after outfit, finding something about each one that made her look “fat”. Finally when she would run out of time, she would settle on a pair of black pants (more slimming) and a sweater, and look in the mirror and just… sigh. There was so much in that sigh. Dissatisfaction, resignation, the acceptance that she wasn’t happy with how she looked but this was as good as it was going to get.
Watching that had to have an effect on my own self-image. Especially since my mother has always been much trimmer than me. I think sometimes the thinking goes that if she can’t be happy with how she looks, I definitely don’t deserve to be.
Even when I am feeling confident, fit, or sexy I still have that niggling doubt that I shouldn’t be feeling good because I still have so far to go. It’s a hard thing to get over, and it makes it easy to say “fuck it” and give up.
.-= Dani´s last blog ..90 Day Challenge: Progress Chart! =-.
I think this is a question that I will struggle for the rest of my life to find the answer to.
.-= Marshmallow´s last blog ..As if pancakes weren’t awesome enough… =-.
I’m with Marshy. It is a life long dirty biatch of a struggle. The rational adult in me KNOWS when I feel deflated by a negative remark that it’s the little kid in me that’s taking it so hard… but even knowing why I react that way doesn’t seem to stop me from bloody doing it :)
.-= shauna´s last blog ..Two Fit Chicks Episode 11 – Let’s Hear It For The Boys =-.
for me it all shifted when I finally ceased searching outside myself for validation of my worth.
when I trusted my inner voice (which was softly whispering you.rock.job.well.done.) to listen.
frick it was an up and down road until then as I could never please everyone nor could I do what I was GUESSING others wanted me to do to be ‘enough’
.-= Miz´s last blog ..Women’s Day Magazine & bodybuilding. =-.
Ah, knowing the answer to that question would put us one step closer to a solution. I’d be a rich woman if I knew what that was.
We are our own worst enemies. I don’t understand it and probably never will.
.-= josie´s last blog ..Run for Music 10K – WOW! =-.
I think it has something to do with the fact that we are always trained to be “humble”. “oh it was nothing.” No tooting your own horn or basking in the glow of adoration. If you do that you’re conceited and full of yourself. On the flip side, we are never taught to ignore criticism. We are taught that it is “constructive” and “useful”. That we should “Take it into consideration.”
Great Question ^_^
.-= Meg´s last blog ..First outdoor run of the season. Headwinds and Hills! =-.
I read one article that suggested the tendency to believe the negative rather than the positive had an evolutionary advantage, e.g. people who believed that sabretooth tigers were unfriendly tended to live longer than the ones who thought the best out of everyone and everything.
On the other hand, the writer could have been taking off the top of her head. All I know is that you don’t enjoy life as much when you’re thinking the negative thoughts.
.-= The Merry´s last blog ..Taking the ‘ex’ out of exercise =-.
That is SO not keeping it simple! What a hard question! It totally is hard for me to believe good things about myself. Not 100% of the time. But way too often. I don’t know why. I can have low self esteem. Sometimes I don’t, and I get angry and think people are undervaluing me, but often I just think well duh its like that cuz its true. I think I need validation from others too much, and when I don’t get it, I automatically believe the worst about myself. The only positive feedback I get is from people who are my family/close friends so I feel like the HAVE to say something nice, and therefore it doesn’t count. Or sometimes from someone random online, who doesn’t really know me at all, and so that doesn’t count either. LOL it’s such a big question its more something to discuss with a therapist about over probably years of sessions, rather than somethng that can be answered in a blog comment. Suffice it to say, that over the years and yrs of people believing bad things about me, I start to feel like they are probably true, which in turn reinforces them in the world’s eyes, because if even I believe it, shouldn’t they? I’ve definitely gotten better at this over time but I still have a long way to go..
.-= merri´s last blog ..83030132 [Flickr] =-.
That’s the big question, isn’t it?
For me, it’s a combination of things; between being tormented as a kid by my peers and family for so long that you start to believe it to society telling you that you are in no way perfect and need to change to poor self esteem.
I’d love to say that I’m getting better at putting myself up on a pedestal and believing in all that I am, can be and can achieve, but it’s not that easy. I’m getting better at it, though.
.-= Carly´s last blog ..Meet Me in St. Louis =-.
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