Lately I feel like my life is nothing but waiting.
I’m just waiting for things to happen. I’m not talking about waiting on the scale to move or clothes to fit or anything related to weight loss. I’m talking about waiting for life to happen. For me this is the worst possible thing I could have let happen. I’m not someone who waits for things to happen, am I?
The second half of 2009 was crazy. I quit my job, I got a cool gig, I moved to Vermont, I fell in love with a great guy, I traveled, I played, I had a wonderful time. And then the start of this year was even better as I went to New Zealand and had the most amazing time. It’s been an adventurous, fun, crazy ride.
Then I came back home. I came back to the place where I always come back, even if it’s the place where I feel suffocated and trapped. I came back to realize that for about 5 months I’m just waiting, not really living. Because that’s what I’m doing. I’m just waiting.
It’s like this because I don’t have a job outside my house. I don’t have any money to go anywhere or do anything fun. Few friends still live around here and those that do, I don’t see very often. I spend almost every day at home working, with brief breaks to go walk with my mom or go to the gym. Besides my family I barely see anyone. It’s kind of a lonely existence I’ve created for myself.
I definitely don’t feel like I’m 23 (soon to be 24). I’ve made the right choices for my life and I’ve had really cool experiences and I will again. But for right now? Life is boring. It’s monotonous. It’s tedious. I feel like I’m doing the same thing every day and getting nowhere fast. I can’t justify blowing money on anything because I’m saving up for future things like Kepa’s trip here and my move there. So I’m just waiting for those things. I’m just waiting and wishing I could go places before that happens.
And of course, the place I want to go is New Zealand. You know that I’m moving there in September. I just wish I had the ability to fly there when I wanted. I wish it wasn’t a struggle to make and save money for even the one way ticket. Maybe then I wouldn’t have to worry and could spend money to fly there when I wanted. But that’s not my reality. My reality is waiting. Waiting for the pennies I earn to add up, waiting for my bank account to be high enough that I can get out of this rut. Waiting out the months that separate me from the things that I want.
It’s just, the longer I live like this the worse I feel. It’s not fun and in a way it hurts. It makes it harder for me to turn away from food, my old comfort that I learned to turn to while living here. I’m trying. I am. But it just gets slightly harder each day, even though I try to not think about it on most days.
Waiting is much more just existing than living.
I know I probably sould like a selfish, self-obsessed baby, and I’m sorry. I know this isn’t about weight loss and such, but I needed to talk about it. So… yeah. This blog is basically a record of my life, not just my weight loss. So this needs to be part of it. The not fun part. The waiting part.
Related posts:
{ 23 comments }
It is about weight loss. I had this realisation today, whilst bawling, that life isn’t perfect. More though, it’s about living each day to the fullest. Do you want to wallow in waiting til September? Or do you want to enjoy it each day til September? Do you want to lose weight til september? gain? stay the same?
I to get focused on the overwhelming future and forget to live in the now. It’s not easy, but it’s something that I am going to be pushing myself to do.
.-= Michelle@eatingjourney´s last blog ..I need a hug =-.
Girl, you need to do something crazy! Seriously. hmmmmm
.-= Kat´s last blog ..Runapalooza Day 1. Beginning Runners =-.
This entry is my life, to the T (minus falling in love). I am waiting for so many things. I am stuck in a dead end job searchign desperatly for employment doing something I might love. I am struggling with relationships- friends and with boyfriends! (Why are people so selfish? why can’t i “find” a boyfriend? why do i feel so different from everyone around me? why am i the only single one of my friends?)
With that, I am learning a lot about myself, what i want, my expectations, and all that jazz… while trying to enjoy my life and make my 20′s “the best time of my life” (as i am told by my elders everyday.) I find this period to be deeply confusing and frusterating. I think, “What can I do to make my life what I want without sitting here waiting for it to happen.” And there is no answer. Instead of waiting for a set date for something to occur, i am putting my faith in fate. I am waiting for the right opportunity to come along and throw my life into a whirlwind of things falling into place. And for that to happen, it will just take time.
Hang in there girly, you’re not alone! Waiting sucks… there’s no getting around it. Focus on yourself and doing things you love in the meantime, and it will be AMAZING for you once September comes. :)
.-= Caity´s last blog ..My Beginners Guide to Running. =-.
Thank you so much for this comment. It always makes me feel better to not be alone in what I feel.
Oh, and btw, even though I’m only 23, a good number of my friends were MARRIED before I ever had a boyfriend. So I totally get being the single one. Most definitely get that. It sucks to hear that it will happen when the time is right (uh, yeah, lame) but it’s kinda true. You won’t be the single one forever. :)
Hang in there. With so much to look forward to, it is easy to feel as if you’re not living right now, but you just have to figure out ways to stay happy until you’re able to make your move. Try to think of fun, free things you can do to fill your time. Does your city have free museum days? Or maybe heading to the local library to get a bunch of books that will transport you to new adventures (if only in your mind). Use this time to focus on you and before you know it, you’ll be on your way to NZ.
I read A LOT. Sometimes it’s a good thing, sometimes it’s not. Kinda depends on what I’m reading. I need to get some suggestions for reading material. I think that will be my next post.
Mary I know exactly how you feel! My life was a whirlwind from Jan 2007 – Aug 2008. I quit school (stupid move!) got my first full time job, got engaged, quit full time job because it was making me cry every day, got new job, got married, lost new job. Was unemployed for 8 weeks, found current job. Now I feel like I’m stuck. I’m not getting anywhere with my race training, my job is not moving at all, I feel like I’m bored with life, and it’s affecting my husband too. All we both want to do after work is come home and sit. I’m trying to get us into some projects now that it’s spring, but we’re both pretty miserable at work, we lack the motivation to do anything at home.
I would like to suggest that you watch the movie Amelie, if you never have before. From the outside, the main character has a fairly bleak life, but she makes it better for herself by seeking out the fun in everyday things. It is in French, but has subtitles and is very easy to follow even if you don’t know any French.
September will come before you know it, and you will be on your way to NZ. Something that helps me is breaking down the time left into chunks. IE It’s just X days until July 4th, and then after that, less than 60 days until September 1st! Having the smaller amounts of time helps me to pass the time easier.
I hope you start feeling better soon, and I wanted to mention that I bought your ebook, and it’s great! I read it through once, and now I’m going through again and making notes! Thanks!
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..Join us, and the boys of summer, for action! =-.
I love this comment for the fact that Amelie is one of my favorite movies ever. Seriously. And I try to find fun in everyday things. Sometimes I succeed. Lately, I’ve failed.
That’s a good idea regarding the time. I was doing that before… I had so many days until fitbloggin and then until my ebook and such. But then all the big stuff ended and now it’s just a lot of empty days with nothing to break them up staring me in the face. So I need to make up some new things to break up the time. I’ll think about what I can do. :)
Thanks! I’m glad you enjoy the ebook! :)
It’s the anticipation that makes the reward so enjoyable.
I don’t think you sound childish or selfish. I do think you can find ways to make your life more enjoyable now. Waiting sucks, I spent a year in a long distance relationship before I moved to be with my now husband. Even with a full time job and lots of other stuff to keep me occupied it sucked. BUT there were things I could do and enjoy that made it suck less. Find a local interest group, join a book club, find a walking group. Do something to meet some people and have something to do outside of the blogopshere and weightloss. I think I read in your blog that you didn’t want to wait to do things until you had lost the weight, well don’t wait to do things until you can be with Kepa. There are lots of cheap ways to entertain yourself. I thought not working would be awesome, but actually after the first few months it was BORING so I found little things to give structure to my day, to get me out of the house, it’s worth it, you are worth it. Enjoy life now and give up that waiting until you have everything you want.
.-= Alison´s last blog ..New Shoes, New Bras, New Hat, I’m so ready to go! =-.
I’m not waiting to do things on purpose. I’m waiting because I can’t afford to do stuff now and then. Does that make sense? I clearly am not rich, so sacrifice has to happen at some point and I kind of chose now for it. And now that I’m here doing nothing I realize how much it sucks. Haha. It will be worth it in the end, but currently it’s a bummer.
There’s honestly not much to do in the town I live in. Really. There’s not. In Memphis there is, but it’s a 20 minute drive and I’m scared to ride my scooter that far. So I’m limited in what I can do. I’m trying to build up stuff to give myself a schedule, like gym time, but there’s a whole lot of hours that aren’t filled with anything.
Sorry if I sound like I’m complaining. I’m just frustrated.
Yea, I’m not sure I’d drive a scooter that far either…
I get that you aren’t waiting on purpose, have you thought about local volunteer opportunities? If you like kids, reading to them at the library?
Oh or how about researching your trip with Kepa plan the route then figure out the most fun things you can do that are also cheap :P
I understand frustrated, hopefully someone here has some brilliant ideas for you. :)
.-= Alison´s last blog ..New Shoes, New Bras, New Hat, I’m so ready to go! =-.
SUX!
.-= Rob Dyess´s last blog ..SHE NAILED IT!!! =-.
Mary,
I don’t normally comment on blogs, but your plight sounds so familiar that I simply had to let you in on a secret that I wish I had understood 20 years ago. Life is what happens while you are waiting for all those things to happen. Don’t waste time on anticipating the future, just live each day and enjoy getting out there and interacting with people. Relocating doesn’t fix your problems,,,take it from someone who has moved a lot. Your baggage comes with you and if you are looking for a place to improve your happiness level, it won’t last more than a couple of weeks or months if you are lucky. You said it yourself,,,you have chosen this isolation. You sound like a wonderful person, why don’t you get out and sign up to help at the hospital or some elderly people. It’s free and the satisfaction you will get will help you with how you feel about yourself and your situation. Lets face it, life sucks for everyone and we all want more than we have. Don’t feel disappointed that your 20′s are not the greatest of your life. I am happier, healthier, and more fulfilled in my 40′s then I ever was in my 20′s. Life is seriously about the detours that happen on the way to what you think you want. Who you are today won’t be who you will be in 5 years so don’t sweat it. Stop waiting to live and just get out there and do it. You have nothing to lose but time to sit at home a reflect on all the things that are wrong with your life. Doing anything is better than doing nothing. Sitting alone reflecting on things brings only one thing…. depression and that certain feeling of doom that your life will never be more than it is right now. I’ve been there….I’m never going back.
Best of luck to you, Kim
Thanks Kim. For a while (a month or so) it was chosen. It just happened because I didn’t have any transportation and there isn’t that much within walking distance of where I live currently. I only recently got transportation (a scooter!) but I can’t go very far with it. So even with my new found transportation, I’ve kind of let the isolation thing continue.
I don’t think relocating is the answer to all problems. I’ve moved a lot myself in the last few years, so I know. It’s mostly just getting out of this house. When I live here I can very easily fall into depression and I’m not there yet but flirting with it, if that makes sense. It’s not because I’m sitting around thinking about all the bad in my life. Promise. There is something about being here that isn’t good for me. But living elsewhere I’ve always been really content and active.
I don’t know if you read my blog often, but honestly the 20s are the best time in my life so far. In the grand scheme of things I’ve never been happier. That sounds weird after the post I just wrote, but I consider this a temporary struggle that won’t last more than a few months. It sucks and I just wanted to acknowledge it, so I could change it.
Thanks though.
Good for you, glad to hear it. I wish you the best!!
Yep, saying it out loud is the best medicine. The fact that you did so has probably made you feel better about it already, no?
Sometimes I have this internal conversation with myself:
Me: Ugh. I am at such lose ends. I feel anxious and bored all at the same time.
Me: Yeah, BTDT. It sucks. Have you ever felt this way before?
Me: Uh-huh.
Me: Did you get over it?
Me: Yep.
.-= KCLAnderson (Karen)´s last blog ..Saying It Out Loud =-.
Mary… it is tough… man, I know the money thing too! Hard to do stuff when there is none!
Don’t let those emotions get the best of you! You have done AMAZING THINGS! More than I have & I am 52! You have Kepa coming here soon & the you there. Just keep the great things you have done & the cool things to come at the top of your mind.
YOU CAN GET THRU THIS!
.-= Jody – Fit at 52´s last blog ..Mental Muscle – Jack Sh*t Talks FITness =-.
The best things are worth waiting for :) I remember feeling the same way all through grad school and I am so happy now. It will all fall into place in due time :)
.-= Nicole, RD´s last blog ..Q&A =-.
Aww I know exactly how you feel. I’ve absolutely gone through periods of life like that. They seem to go on forever. Then theyre over. I remember after I graduated college and went to live with my parents and I had no friends there and little $ and nothing to do besides look for a job and I sat staring at the wall I was so bored sometimes. Literally staring at the wall. Or after I moved to SF when I knew basically no one and had no job again and no $ and all I did was nothing and I wished I didn’t move here but I couldn’t go back either cuz I would have failed. Or more recently, when there was a lot of bad stuff going on in life, and I lived in the middle of nowhere and everything seemed bleak and I was in a situation I wasn’t sure how to get out of. But they passed. This year I’m out of it and its soo much better and life is happy again and it’s like that fog of the last year or prob 2 is gone and I can barely remember parts of it, im only a lil sad I wasted time of my life but it passed, altho a lot of life still seems like waiting for something I don’t know what. So soon you’ll be back at your exciting life. And stuff is happening now. What about that BOOK you just put out? That seems exciting to me. I totally get the no $ part too. Sometimes I have none and I am so frustrated that I cant go do fun stuff. That’s happened a lot of times in my life when I cant even go out to dinner with friends or whatever cuz im broke. If you ever get sad and wanna talk, email or text me :)
.-= merri´s last blog ..83030132 [Flickr] =-.
hey mary!
it made me giggle that someone had already suggested watching Amelie! I was totally going to suggest it as I just watched it the other day and it’s also one of my favorite films!!!
Mary, I can relate to how you feel. Completely.
I feel in love, dropped out of school, went to England for a few months, then had to spend a few MISERABLE months at my moms house in Nova Scotia waiting for my love to get back to Canada.
I know it sucks, and it hurts.
I did work full-time though, outside of my house. Which was a massive help, as I interacted with people alot. I worked at a hospital as a nurse-aide.
Have you thought about getting a part-time gig? Even 15 hours a week. Its some pocket change and its getting you out of the house a little bit. Not to mention it will stil give you all the time you need to finish your online work.
Trust me, at the end of the waiting, you will feel magnificent. Nick coming back to Canada was one of the best days of my life. And when you and Kepa are re-united, it WILL be like the movies. Birds will sing, music will play and you’ll run slow-motion across an open field…okay…maybe not, but you catch my drift.
Hang in there girl. Keep cooking as well, its fun and will help stop you from turning to junky foods.
And remember to think about getting a part-time job, it makes much needed dollars and takes up time.
xxxx
Amanda
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..I’m Back! (again) =-.
Wow! You’ve really got your head wrapped around the axle. Get out of your funk. Even poor people can enjoy life.
You’re in a period, right now, that totally sucks, and sucks everything out of you. I went through that period, too, waiting to be with E. Mine was horrible; I dropped out of school, my binging was out of control and my relationships with family and friends were strained. The hardest part was waiting for my life to begin, and being terrified that once I reached that point, it wouldn’t be worth the wait.
Those few years were some of the worst of my life. Being with E is amazing, and I don’t regret a thing, but I wish I didn’t have to take that journey to get to here.
.-= Carly´s last blog ..Meet Me in St. Louis =-.
{ 1 trackback }