I’m not very good at taking a break from blogging. It seems as if it has become part of my daily life, part of who I am, for better or for worse. I like sharing my life and my story with all of you. It’s something that I enjoy doing, even when people don’t understand what I’m trying to say all the time or think that they know more than I do. When I miss days, I miss blogging. I just can’t stay away. Plus, blogging is how I pay quite a few bills, so taking time off hurts my wallet. We don’t me to starve, do we? That’s not exactly the safest method of weight loss.
On my last post Screaming Fat Girl left a good comment that pretty much summed up how I feel and is the only comment in the last few days that actually made me realize anything about myself (yes, sometimes comments do hit things that I’m unaware of):
You feel and think like many people who have been overweight all of their lives. First of all, you are sensitive because you have been attacked all of your life. You also find comments hurtful because you place validation of yourself in the hands of others because you have been abused and judged all of your life. You are so accustomed to being evaluated and having your value attached to your weight that you take even the random comments of strangers who in no way know you or are equipped to judge you to heart. I know you do this, because I do it, too.
You’re also judging yourself and saying you make “excuses” and aren’t responsible. You are saying these things because that’s part of the judgment others heap on you. There is a difference between a “reason” and an “excuse”. There are reasons you can’t lose weight. They are not “excuses”. People who talk about excuses are only interested in blame because it serves their purpose, which is to elevate themselves at your expense. Accepting their view of you and their judgment only makes losing weight all that much harder for you. You need to understand the reasons you can’t lose weight so that you can start working on getting past them. You don’t need to see them as “excuses” because that just means you embrace the notion that you are weak and irresponsible and therefore powerless.
We, fat people, are very prone to seeking approval of others and substituting their judgment for ours. It’s the first thing we need to work on if we are ever to become whole and strong. It’s hard, but it can be done. Maybe you have to get mad first. Maybe you have to fight back, or maybe you have to grow some Teflon over your sensitivity. I don’t know what will work for you, but it’s something worth exploring.
It’s natural that you judge yourself since you have lived your life feeling that you deserve to be judged. You don’t deserve that, not from others, and not from yourself.
I don’t think I can even add anything to that. It sums me up perfectly. I’ve always looked for outside validation and quite often what I received was judgmental and negative. I have somehow allowed random strangers who know nothing about me to have the power to judge me. They may have meant it as constructive criticism, but for me it felt like a judgment. And that’s quite disappointing.
Sometimes people don’t understand or know the full picture, and they can only comment on what they see. Sometimes that limited picture is skewed by their own perspective which might be different than mine. I’m not as aggressive or obsessed about weight loss as some people think I should be. I understand that people have different ideas about life and weight loss than I do – and that’s okay! Sometimes in the heat of the moment it’s hard to remember that because they aren’t discussing ideas in theory but ideas in relation to ME. I’m moving on from all the comments from the past week because they are not what matters to me. What matters to me is that I know what I’m doing. It matters to me that I know I’m doing well and taking steps to better my life, whatever that means in regards to weight loss. I will try not to take things personally from people who don’t know me personally. It’s another evolution in my life as a person and as a blogger. I think it will be a good thing.
Other than clearing that up….
If you did the a merry workout pledge send me your photos and times/distances! Please?
I’ve been a little sick the past couple days. I’ve got a sore throat, fatigue, slight fever… good times! The plans I had for these days have been sort of a bust because of that. I haven’t felt like doing anything but sleeping it off/drinking vitamins. My takeaway for you? Emergen-C is gross. But being sick is grosser.
On Monday I’m joining the YMCA for the month that I’m staying here. It’s crazy expensive for just a month membership (I hate how gyms punish you if you aren’t going to be a long term member) but I’m drawn in by the fact that they offer both Zumba and kickboxing classes. I can’t pass that up. Two of my favorite things in one place! Plus, I love YMCAs and my workout there last week was a good one.
And now I’m going to go back to being happy and working on the healthy. Go away sickness!