At the #fitblog Twitter chat this week I mentioned that the BRAG time at the end when you are supposed to share something your proud of is my least favorite part of the chat. I said that because it’s true. I never can think of anything to say during that time and always feel so awkward sitting there trying to come up with something good to say about myself.
The reason that happens is because I’m not good at taking credit for things. Whenever there is a chance to take credit for something or to brag about myself I shy away from it.
I’m really bad at thinking I’m good at anything.
For example…
Whenever someone mentions I “wrote a book” I immediately downplay it and mention that it’s “just an e-book” and that it was just writing all the stuff I’ve learned over the last few years. I downplay the fact that I wrote, created, and published it. And I downplay the fact that it helped a lot of other bloggers and they told me it was great – even though that is actually quite an awesome accomplishment.
Whenever someone mentions I have done amazing things and gone to cool places I downplay it. I just think that I haven’t gone to nearly as many places as other people and downplay the fact that I’ve traveled and lived abroad (twice now) despite the fact that many people wish they could do this but never do.
Whenever someone asks me about writing I downplay it and say “I’m just a blogger.” Even though I make money through blogging and have completely changed my life through my blog and other writing I downplay it because I don’t think it’s as impressive as the titles other people have. I downplay what I am and what I do despite the fact that it’s pretty awesome that I’ve been so committed to blogging and have built a small business around it.
Whenever someone, er, Kepa mentions I cooked a good meal I downplay it by saying it was mostly him and I didn’t do anything. If the food tastes good, which it normally does, I still downplay the fact that I did anything great because I don’t have much experience cooking and think I can’t make things as well as someone who has been cooking longer and knows more about cooking.
Taking credit and actually thinking I’m good at something is very hard for me. Writing the second half of all those statements felt so awkward for me.
I guess what this boils down to is that I still have very little confidence in myself. Even if I do big amazing things I still think I’m not that great and haven’t accomplished anything. Having so little confidence in myself is something that at times is really frustrating for me and those around me. It causes problems beyond just the point of me feeling this way.
Apparently I’m not very good at building confidence in myself no matter what nice things people say about me. I know that it’s something I need and want to work on. I’m just not sure how to do it.
Anyone else have this problem? Do you have trouble taking credit and thinking you are good at things?
How do you build confidence in yourself?
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{ 28 comments }
Yes, I sometimes have trouble taking credit and thinking I am good at things…and your post brought MizFit’s “how to accept a compliment” post to mind. One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever gotten is this: when someone compliments you it’s important to acknowledge the person with a hearty “thank you.” If you downplay or negate the compliment, what you’ve just done, at the very least, is call that person’s judgment into question, and at worst, basically told the person that they’re full of you-know-what. I have found that a great confidence booster is to say “thank you” when someone compliments me…and to bask in the compliment for a little while. It’s makes both me AND the person who complimented me, feel good!
KCLAnderson (Karen)´s last [type] ..It’s Not Sour Grapes
Oh yes! I’ve had to challenge myself over and over again to just say “thank you.” Sometimes those words taste like vinegar.
I think I downplay it because I don’t want to disappoint later but at the same time I crave validation. Such a stupid catch 22.
Absolutely. I was terrible at taking praise until someone said to me “it’s really annoying that you just won’t say thank you!” I thought for a minute and realized that when I was blocking the nice things that people had to say about me I was negating their opinion and it wasn’t at all a becoming quality. So no I think before I say “oh no, it wasn’t a big deal….” and I say thank you. Now whether or not I truly accept the praise depends on the day. Sometimes I just say thanks and in my mind beat myself up. But taking the minute to say thank you makes me think before I immediately go into self deprecating mode.
ps. I think you’re great! I love reading your blog… :-)
Suzanne´s last [type] ..Oh The Times They Are a Changing
Thanks Suzanne. :)
Yes, I have trouble with this, too. I downplay a lot because I don’t like to highlight myself that much. I’m uncomfortable with attention brought to me. It’s weird, I know. As a result, I often have a hard time with compliments. I’m working on just saying “thank you” when someone compliments me instead of negating it. It’s hard!
Marisa @ Loser for Life´s last [type] ..Catch Up
This is a massive issue for me, I am so quick to accuse myself of doing something stupid and instinctively move to launch into a tirade of self-negating inner monologue but if I do something positive I find it hard to accept this and own my accomplishments, big or small. I find it very frustrating; I teach children to be proud of themselves to openly embrace their achievements yet It goes against every fibre of my being to do the same for myself.
You should be proud of yourself, look at the accomplishments you have made through the year, the steps forward you have made in your life!
D…´s last [type] ..Four days of calm
(much love to the compliment shoutout Ms.KCLAnderson)
for me it has been a journey and a process and is STILL a conscious choice to take the compliment on a daily basis (hello career issues!)
I went from what the husband and I call biscuiting (dont ask. just means lottsa rambles why Im not deserving) to saying THANK YOU to the person and biscuiting to him, to saying THANK YOU and not believing it, to saying THANK YOU and deciding “if they think so it must be true” to saying THANK YOU AND OWNING IT.
good lord I love aging.
I can give you a list of things at which I KNOW I ROCK.
I can provide an equally long list of things at which I suck—I just do not fret about those any longer
MizFit´s last [type] ..fitlosophyze your goals guest post
OH! I just thought of something else…you’ve probably seen this quote a million times, but I’ll post it anyway:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
KCLAnderson (Karen)´s last [type] ..It’s Not Sour Grapes
I have. But thanks for sharing again anyway. ;)
I think as women, we have a tendency to diminish our accomplishments. I don’t like to bring attention to myself or seem like I am “bragging.” It is still difficult to accept praise and compliments, especially when I compare myself to others. I have been known to say my blog is “nothing” or “not much” or even “bullsh*t”. All fo this I am working on.
LyndawithaY´s last [type] ..Am I Working Hard Enough
Oh my goodness, yes! By far…this is my worst character trait. I even take it a step further by critiquing my efforts in front of everyone just so that they know I know my effort isn’t perfect. For example: I’ve cooked a nice dinner. I’ll tell my husband that the chicken is too salty or the potatoes are a little lumpy, etc etc. I despise this about myself, but I’m trying ever so hard to change it.
I DEFINITELY have this problem!! I hate thinking I sound conceited or prideful…but the truth is that there are some things we have every right to be proud of. You definitely do!
Tina´s last [type] ..doing nothing
Oh yes. I have built a whole life around making a joke when somebody gives me a compliment, attributing my success to other people’s efforts, and basically being rowdy and lewd when people try to focus honest attention on me. One of my new year’s resolutions this year? Learning to just say thanks. Not, oh thanks, but . . .
Not, oh, it was nothing . . .
Not, well if it weren’t for so and so . . .
Just thanks.
It’s not easy, but it’s totally worth it. It is much more respectful to the compliment givER, for one. And I also find it doesn’t feel as icky and weird as I think it will feel.
MrsFatass´s last [type] ..unfinished business
I’m the same way. I constantly downplay what I’ve done because someone, somewhere (ok, a lot of someones) has done more. But I’m actively working on it. My journey is mine, and I’m learning to embrace that my life doesn’t need to be newsworthy just to be successful.
It’s much nicer to be like you are than to be TOO keen to accept compliments. Or to compliment yourself all the time. I know a few people like that, and they’re hideous to be with. But, yeah, you can go too far the other way. Learning to say a gracious Thank you is a good thing to do – and I think it makes both parties happier. A worthy goal to aspire to.
Ten Pounds´s last [type] ..Being home again is sad
From this side of the blog, you’ve done SO MUCH with your life that it seems impossible that you’d be left with nothing to brag about! I suppose I have that problem..but I really don’t have much. I used to get more embarrased, like in school, esp by highschool, when we had the open houses, and my parents would go in to talk with the teachers, and theyd say all this nice stuff about me, id be embarrased. Now, if people do, im just happy. So I guess I’m better at taking credit, I just don’t feel like I have that much to be taking credit for.. Im not sure that’s a problem with my confidence, or just the fact that I havent been doing anything extraordinary to speak of. How do I build up confidence? I dunno. If there is something that im shy about doing, I usually try and just do it anyway..but if im not feeling it, it shows and doesn’t come out as well..i come off as snobby. If someone compliments me on my appearance, I do guess I often end up arguing with them lol. Which is probably quite rude. If someone compliments me on something Ive done I think I tend to accept it more. it just doesnt happen often!
merri´s last [type] ..My Kundalini Yoga Experience
I have made a practice of just saying thank you when people compliment me. Denying or diminishing the compliment only makes things awkward. I’ve also recently realized that it is, in fact OK to acknowledge that I am good at some things and even down right kick ass at others. I also acknowledge that I suck at others. It’s not an ego thing, just self awareness.
Kendra´s last [type] ..Run- Forrest- Run- Sometimes Running Sucks
I’m pretty shy about that too. I do like it when I accomplish something but I always figure that if I could do it then anyone really could do it. haha
Diana @ frontyardfoodie´s last [type] ..I’m Still Here
I have the exact same problem. I don’t have confidence in myself at all. When people compliment me, I downplay what they say and beat myself up a lot. I used to have confidence in my old, skinny life. As I gained weight, I lost confidence. I am trying to get it back!! Thanks for sharing!
The Binge Diary´s last [type] ..Nothing Like a Thursday Binge -
Low self esteem and a lack of confidence seems to go hand in hand with weight issues. I am getting better but I don’t like attention being put on me when in a group situation. So if someone mentions my blog or my cooking ability to others I really down play it. I don’t want anyone having expectations of me that I might not live up to.
I am terrible at having in person conversations with people, so instead of letting them speak I just talk about myself….
So, it may seem like I have a lot of confidence, I just strongly dislike silence.
Sana´s last [type] ..Getting Real About Food
I used be really bad at saying good things about me and my accomplishments but now that I have worked 2 years full time and have an amazing boss who gives we positive feedback I have grown to understand that I’m actually pretty good at my job, which is an amazing feeling! I always felt I have never accomplished anything special, but now I have my career!
That’s awesome Anne!
I think most of us can relate to this post and I’ve often thought about this issue myself…
I think part of it is 1) we’re taught as children that it’s unbecoming to brag… and bragging apparently means saying anything nice about ourselves AT ALL and 2) we’ve all been around the 10% of the population who either have tons of self-confidence or tons of arrogance and it’s hard to tell the difference. I mean, honestly, I think everyone has been around the person who had it all and knew it. “I’m so smart, and I’m cute, and lord, do I just have TONS of money…” Half the time, I’m pretty sure that we all “hear” the unspoken “… and I’m waaaay so much better than you…” which the person probably doesn’t mean, isn’t thinking, etc.
And even if that didn’t make us feel worse (we chose, I think, to feel worse, most of the time, even if the person DID mean it, no one can *make* you feel bad…) who wants to BE that person? While we might envy the hell out of then, we also want to SLAP THE HELL out of them too.
I’ve been working on my self-esteem for a while. It’s hard work, it really is! But I’ve picked a few things and decided that those things I’m good at and I’m not going to deny it. Ever.
I’m a good cook. I make nourishing and satisfying meals that most of the time my family likes. I make a lot of my own recipes from scratch; things that sound good at the time… sometimes these are successful and sometimes not so much. But I learn, every time I do one. (I’ve made some truly horrible mac & cheese trying to find a low-fat and yet tasty substitute for Kraft Dinner.) I’ve salvaged cooking mistakes (one of my signature dishes is a devil’s food cake trifle that happened when a cake I made turned into crumbs instead of flipping neatly out of the cake pan… these days, when I make that dish, I always crumble the cake, no matter how it turns out!). I am a good cook. I’ve put time and effort into learning to cook; I have a natural aptitude for spices; I have a good memory for recipes (I’m one of those people who cooks by feel; once I’ve made a recipe a few times, I play with it, alter it, or just plain make it from rote memory).
I accomplish those things which I set my mind to. I’d love it if I could set my mind a little more easily, but all the same… once I decide I’m going to do something, I get it done. I quit smoking. I dropped the bad alcohol habits. I lost 90 pounds and I’ve kept almost all of it off for going on 18 months now. I walked 60 miles in 3 days. I raised $4,000 for Breast Cancer Awareness. I’ve written a novel. (still working on the edits and publication part!) I can walk, after being told by a doctor that I probably wouldn’t. When I sit back and look at the things I’ve done, I wonder why more people don’t think I’m amazing!
Lynn C´s last [type] ..My Safe Place
I think converting our negative thoughts into positive thoughts and positive energy is one of the biggest things we can do in our lives. I personally, have been like a lot of you and always the first one to downplay anything I do. Now that I’ve finally lost weight for the first time in my life I can’t downplay my accomplishment because it’s visible and out there for everyone to see. Plus…it was really hard to lose the weight and I’m actually proud of myself.
Now I focus my energy in a new direction and I try to live my life not wasting energy on the negative thoughts but channeling all my energy towards new goals.
Danel Zupella´s last [type] ..Welcome To My Weight Loss- Health and Happiness Blog
Even if I do big amazing things I still think I’m not that great and haven’t accomplished anything.
I resemble that Mary & as old as I am, I should be past that. I have learned to take a compliment BUT even though I know I have accomplished certain things, I still find all the things I am not good at… BAD!
Lots of learning still to be done!!! Thx for sharing!!!
Jody – Fit at 52´s last [type] ..Tea Recipes!
When you’re in doubt sometimes it’s all about diving into the fog and facing your fears…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=61E5jCaNNIs
Barro´s last [type] ..More advertiser control on YouTube
I just tried to link to this post in my blog today — hope it worked!
Carina´s last [type] ..Weight Gain real or perceived Chafing- duh
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