Triathlon training has been… er….. well…. not the best.
You see, I’ve been doing all my bike workouts. I even did a longer bike ride than the one I had scheduled last week when I rode 23 miles.
I love biking. It’s easy for me and I really, really enjoy it. Even when it’s hard and when it’s tiring and long and I want to quit – I still like it. So doing all my bike workouts has been easy.
But the other workouts haven’t been easy. In fact they haven’t been happening.
I haven’t been running. I ran once last week when I was supposed to run three times. I haven’t been swimming either. I’ve been avoiding the pool. I had an anxiety attack once when I went a few weeks ago and since then I’ve only been back a couple times. The last time I went I was swimming outside and fighting against little kids who were diving into my lane (over my head). Because the pool is overcrowded this summer and triggers my anxiety I haven’t wanted to deal with it enough to get my workouts in.
So I haven’t been getting my workouts in. In a way this is just me self-sabotaging myself once again. I feel inadequate and I’m scared that I’ll come in dead last when I do the triathlon. Because of this I’ve not been working out. I guess I figured if I won’t be ready for the first tri (not that I was going to be ready anyway) that I could have a reason not to go.
I’m excellent at creating ways to get out of situations. The longer I’ve lived with the anxiety issue, the more practice I’ve gotten at backing out of things. I’m almost a pro. I’ve got excuses and lies and reasons for anything I don’t really want to do.
The worst part is that sometimes I back out of things I actually want to do.
The triathlon is something I want to do. However, lately I’ve been thinking of excuses to use so I don’t have to do the one in January. I suppose somewhere in my brain the decision was made to not do all the workouts so I wouldn’t have to go in January. I could just wait until April when I would *hopefully* be better prepared.
I’m very frustrated with myself for doing this.
The book I’m reading now is giving me some insight into why I do things like this over and over again. Even without thinking about it I’m stuck in a lifetrap where I will do almost anything to keep the status quo I’m comfortable with. The status quo is me being fat, failing at everything, and being ashamed of myself and who I am. In so many ways I now see how I’ve been repeating this cycle over and over again so I can stay with this negativity that I’m comfortable with. In my head I *can’t* do a triathlon, I can’t succeed at something physically challenging – so I might as well run away and do nothing (my comfortable place).
But the book also talks about how I have to continually confront myself in order to change. It’s not going to be comfortable. It’s going to suck. But apparently it’s what I need to do to change the way I think and how I perceive life and my own abilities. So here I am. Confronting myself on this issue. Telling myself to get back to running and swimming because even if I’m not ready, I’m going to do the triathlon in a couple weeks.
I can’t keep destroying myself and stopping myself from being the best I could be. The triathlon is the first step.
Update: Since writing this post last night I did my 500 m swim today and rode 3 miles on my bike. Doing good! Tomorrow is a bike/run brick workout and I’m really looking forward to it.