Sometimes I don’t know what to write about. Sometimes stuff is going on in my life that I can’t write about. Other times it’s just not what some of you want to hear because it’s not about happy things. But sometimes the unhappy things are what I need to write about most.
Lately, as in this week, I’ve been struggling. Not with food or workouts or any of the healthy living stuff. That’s been going really well.
What I’ve been struggling with is everything else.
I’ve written before about how adjusting to life in New Zealand hasn’t been easy for me. Well this week it has been the worst it’s ever been. On Twitter I explained it by saying I feel like I’ve lost myself since moving to New Zealand.
I live in a beautiful place with someone who adores me, yet I’m not completely happy. I should be living the dream but I feel like most of the good things about myself have left only to be replaced by the bad things. My anxiety has been through the roof, my self-esteem has dropped, my self-confidence is completely gone, I don’t have any friends, I’m overly dependent on Kepa, and I’m completely stressed out by my family/money/wedding planning from a world away. It feels like everything has slipped away from me. My indepence, my confidence, my happiness… all slowly fading away.
It’s not a fun situation. You hardly even realize you are in this kind of mess until you hit rock bottom, which is where I’ve been this week regarding stress/loneliness/anxiety/theworks. I suppose the signs were there that I was headed this way but I tried to ignore them. Regardless, it’s not fun.
Apparently I’m not alone. Almost all the expat ladies I know via blogging and twitter assured me that this is normal. It happened to them. I’m not crazy and it’s not just me (thank God!). They all gave me really good advice that basically boiled down to finding my own friends and getting my own life here (not just living Kepa’s). They helped me realize that it will only get better from here, even if this place seems very, very low. I’ve hit the wall, so to speak, and on the other side it’s much better. I just have to climb it first.
On the bright side I have a few ideas about things to do to work my way out of this, including taking Zumba classes when they start again and finding other ways to make friends. I know now I have a support system online to help me through this while I rebuild myself a support system here in New Zealand.
And on the other bright side… all this stress and intense emotion this week hasn’t sent me into crazy emotional binge eating. I think I can honestly say that I’ve left that part of my life behind. I’ve never felt as bad as this week but I didn’t think about stuffing my face as a solution. I’ve eaten more sugar and carbs and comforting foods that I probably should ease off, sure, but the really bad stuff? Not even a thought. The fact that I don’t think about doing that convinces me that it’s over. A previous chapter of my life never to be revisited. So that’s a silver lining in this.
Thank you to all my online friends. I really would go crazy without you supporting me and encouraging me and teaching me all the things I don’t know about life. <3
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{ 45 comments }
we are ALL here whenever….
hugs
Michelle´s last [type] ..Kickin’ The Guilt In Exercise
<3
I know you feel like you should be happy because you are with a man that loves you, but you are in NZ to live your life. I think you mentioned that you volunteer? Volunteering is a huge part of my life and it really defines who I am. I hope you find a similar activity.
P.s my theme of 2011 is to admit my struggles and it is 100% OK to admit yours.
Sana´s last [type] ..Can I tell you a secret
Totally. I mean, happiness can’t come from just one part of life, it’s gotta be from living a full life. And that’s what I’ve been missing.
I do volunteer sometimes. I need to find a new place to volunteer… I was thinking SPCA but they had a period of not accepting new volunteers. So I’m waiting on that. It would be nice to go play with some kitties and puppies. ;) I miss having a pet a lot too so that might be a good option.
I think it’s huge that you haven’t turned to emotional eating during this hard time. You are doing a lot better than you realize. It’s a new chapter in your life, seek out the good :)
Runeatrepeat´s last [type] ..Confession Thursday– I Want 2 Boxes of Wine
:) I promise it gets better. It’s not easy, but you will make it through.
maria @ Chasing the Now´s last [type] ..Christmas vacation recap
I’ve been here a year and a half….and I agree with the other ladies. It DOES get better. Once I started to find my own friends (some of them expats themselves), it got better. Finding a job, joining the gym, going for drinks, even just talking online.
((HUGS)) darlin’. I know you’re in a crappy place right now. It’s incredibly hard being so far from home. I left all my family back in Canada to move here and although I still miss them in a HUGE way, I am in a good place now. You can be too.
I’m here if you ever want to chat!
xx
Maggie
Maggie @ Looking For My Feet´s last [type] ..Um Yeah
Thanks Maggie. :)
Nods. It does take time to climb the wall, and there are times when the wall returns for me, particularly holidays. But you can do it; just hang in there. Zumba always makes me feel smiley.
Cilla´s last [type] ..Monthly monitor
Thanks Cilla. Yeah, Zumba does make everyone smiley so that might be a good place to start. :)
Where abouts in nz are you living? I’ve just started following your blog, there aren’t alot from nz! I am from auckland
I’m in South Auckland! There really aren’t many blogs of people in NZ on health/weight loss. I wish there were more!
Hi Mary – in my case, my husband came to New Zealand to be with me… so I don’t really get to experience what you’re feeling. And he’s adapted pretty well as he didn’t really have the relationship ties in the USA to mourn…. Can I ask you why you came here? and not Kepa coming to the states? I’m just curious…
They say it can take 2 years to make friends and feel settled. I live in Wanganui (and interestingly enough I also blog on health and weight loss so we do exist! lol), but it took me 2 years to really enjoy it. I’d lived in larger cities before that (Hamilton and Christchurch). Wanganui is slower paced and a lot smaller. I LOVE it now. In a great town, surrounded by great people. It’s like planting a seed – you’ll be singing a different tune I hope in a years time (if you are planning on being here in a year?)
Hannah Banana´s last [type] ..French Toast
I came here because Kepa is still studying to become a teacher and I had nothing like that to stop me from being the one to move.
I’m sure that in time I’ll be fine and happy and really feel like I belong in NZ. But not yet. I will be here for a few more years as Kepa is going to finish school and all that jazz. ;)
what MICHELLE SAID.
Miz´s last [type] ..BornFit Windom top review-giveaway
Anxiety issues do not help with the depression (or sadness, lonliness) you are going through. Being in a new place is bound to make you feel the way you do.
I agree that you will find your own niche of friends and be a little less dependent on Kapa, but he will be your husband one day soon and to be dependent on him is a good thing. IMHO, I’ve been married 20 years and I am dependent on my husband he’s my best friend, my coach, my mentor yet I have my own career and friends. However, he’s where I want to be, I love it and its okay if that is what you want to do with Kepa.
Sheri´s last [type] ..The New Resolutionists
Thanks for your opinion.
I can’t imagine the amount of work and bravery it takes to be an expat. Everything is so different, and you’ve really got to reach out to start settling in. You should try looking for book clubs or art classes, anything that gets you out of the house and in the company of people with similar interests.
Something like this might help? http://www.meetup.com/cities/nz/
Skinny Sushi´s last [type] ..Das Boot
I’m planning on looking for short classes or something like that. I went to a scrapbooking thing once but then the store closed so I lost that possibility. I’ve looked a bit at meetup, and I like the idea. I just have to get over the anxiety. It’s basically an endless cycle. The situation as a whole causes me more anxiety, anxiety causes me to not go out and meet new people, and not meeting/being with other people causes me to feel the way that I do now. Endless cycle that I didn’t think I’d fall into but now need to break. :) Thanks for the ideas!
Hi Mary,
I’m in a similar situation and have found the CouchSurfing community to be a great place to meet friends, find people with similar interests, and a source of new activities and adventures. It looks like there is a pretty active group in Auckland (I don’t know about the surrounding towns) so it might be something you are interested in :)
Good luck!
Hugs Mary…when we’re right in the middle of feeling our feelings it’s sometimes hard to imagine feeling any different. Embracing and acknowledging “what is” is a huge step towards feeling better, so kudos to you for doing that. As my dear, departed father always said, “everything works out the way it supposed to.” Over the years, whenever he’d say that, I would have different reactions based on whatever I was experiencing. Sometimes it wasn’t a comfort to hear it because I didn’t like the way things appeared to be “working out.” But he was right and in the end…acceptance made it much easier. Hang in there kiddo!
KCLAnderson (Karen)´s last [type] ..Everything Works Out The Way It Is Supposed To
Just want to say, “me, too”. We can do it!
Traci´s last [type] ..I do
Hey Mary.
I want you to know that I’ve been on two sides…or maybe three…of your story. I’ve been an expat, I’ve been a returned expat (suprisingly, almost as difficult), and I’ve also reached out to other expats now that I’m settled. It can take a long time, but you can stick it out.
My husband and his family grew up and lived all their lives in the city where we live, and in contrast, I moved here at age 18 and my parents are each a 4- or 6-hour drive away and my sister is a day’s travel by several planes. Needless to say, he has a very well established social life that I kind of just adopted, rather than building my own. I’ll tell you, for a shy person, it’s definitely a nice and easy way out, but it’s also not as fulfilling as it could/should be.
Here’s what I’ve done in the last two or three years to work at establishing my own network:
- started a group for people who have the same kind of dog we have. I organize get togethers at the dog park once a month. In truth, I met my bestest friend this way. Obviously, without a dog, you’d be looking at doing something else, but it’s the idea. :)
- posted on Kijiji (Gumtree in NZ) looking for friends/people with similar interests. I know, “loser” you might say? But really, I have met a few fantastic people this way, people who have lost touch with or grown apart from their childhood friends, other expats, transplants, or just super friendly people interested in meeting more.
- responded to other people’s and expats’ posts, specifically to a woman from South Africa new to my city. By providing support to someone else and giving them an “orientation” of sorts, I realized how much I know and love my city. The point of this one, though, was more to show you that people really do reach out to others who ask for support. I did. I think I’m not a wacko. :)
Anyway, I haven’t been reading your blog for a while (got a new job where I don’t have as much free access to the computer) so who knows, you may have done or shot-down any or all of these ideas, but I thought I’d throw them out there.
Best of luck,
Meg
Re: anxiety. When I was at a barbecue to meet my new classmates in university I instead went and sat in a bathroom stall for an hour so I could avoid having to approach a table and ask to join them. Just to give you an idea of my level of unsociability. :) Two points:
- starting a group yourself puts you in a very minor position of power – people come to you and ask you questions, you have control over the time and place, and because you pick exactly what you want the group to be about, it’s something that you’re interested in and can probably ramble on about for hours. It also makes you not the “newbie” but the oldtimer, again, with a small amount of “power” (that sounds so negative and controlling, but that’s not how I’m trying to get it to mean) and respect.
- Um, I can’t remember what my second point was going to be. So I’ll just take another opportunity to wish you the best of luck, I know it’s rough. Hang in there.
Actually those are great ideas. I’ve really been missing a dog but we can’t have one because where we live so I’ve been thinking about vounteering in some way with animals. I admit I had avoided the postings on Gumtree and such because it felt like it was such a sad idea, but I’m rethinking that now that you’ve mentioned it. If I feel this way there must be others too so that might be a way to find them and befriend them. And it’s an initial contact online which I’m much more comfortable with… thanks for that idea/encouragement! :)
Also the idea of starting a group is smart. So far I’ve always been the newbie or person who doesn’t know what’s going on. That switch might be helpful so that I feel more in control.
Thanks for the great ideas! It’s stuff I hadn’t thought of before. :)
Don’t forget to be kind and compassionate to yourself! :)
Time is on your side. I think the toughest thing is that it takes longer than what someone would expect to adjust and come out the other side….
But sometimes all it takes is one friend, one experience, and suddenly everything starts gaining momentum and getting better, and you never know when that one friend or experience will come along.
Best wishes!
Dear Mary,
For me the time when I was most depressed, lonely and insecure was when I coul not find a job.I never thought that would be the case, but somehow for me I need to have a place to go to work or I just start to disintigrate- I start feeling bored, worthless,lonely and my self esteem plunges.
It’s weird because I know work is only one part of life and should not have such importance,but somehow it does.
I wonder how much being unemployed on top of being in a foreign land contributes to your situation? It’s terribly hard being out of work anyways ,let alone in a place where you have to start from scratch finding friends and such.
Is there any chance for finding a job-even part time? I know you work re blog etc.but it sounds like you would really benefit from having to go somehere outside of your house and interacting with others.
What about “temp” jobs-do you they have that over there?
I think you are so brave to write so honestly about this on the blog-many of us have felt as low as you are right now,but I would not be as honest and brave as you are.I admire that.I also think that is a very ,very good sign that once you come through this dark tunnel ,you will find a lot of sunshine.
I think it means trying to mett people,jobs,activities AWAY from the computer.I too have goals this year to cut down my social life that is “online”….it’s not real life,and I often “escape” into my computer.
All the best Mary. It is very wise to know that you need your own zest for life,and not just shadowing one’s partner’s life, no matter how in love you are.
M – being unemployed in the traditional sense does affect me somewhat. Without a job I’m not meeting people and even though I have a few online gigs it’s strange not to have any other job especially since I was employed in some aspect from the age of 16 up until moving to NZ. That has affected me and is part of the reason why I feel like I’ve lost myself. I’ve looked for part time jobs (all I can get with my visa is part time or temp jobs) but so far I’ve not succeeded. I had one lead that would have been promising but my anxiety wiped it out and I had to start again. It’s been a frustrating job search. I might start looking for only volunteer positions because they might be easier to get (and less pressure for the anxiety issue) and that might be a start. :)
BC might be part of it. I get mine from the states and the box came late so last month my pills got screwed up and I was off for a week and then back on… so it might be my hormones being out of whack that just intensifies everything in major ways. Which sucks, but what can you do about it.
Thank you so much for your continuing support! I really appreciate it. :)
PS Mary
are the BC pills contributing to this as well?
I found that moving to a different part of the states. When I graduated from college, I fell in love with a man from western NY state. I live in Massachusetts. I moved to be with him. I knew no one but him. At that time, I had some troubles making friends and I was totally dependant on him and his friends. I didn’t have a job and the economy was bad there so it took a long time to find a job. We ended up breaking up and I attempted to live there after but his friends were his friends and I went home. My situation was different but I understand.
Jen´s last [type] ..Week 1 Check In–I’m in it
I would recommend volunteering somewhere. With animals, or kids/youth. Maybe at a recreation center of sorts? I don’t know what kind of opportunities exist in New Zealand, but I always find helping others a great way to stop worrying about myself. Volunteers are almost always good people.
Mary, I love that you did not emotional eat over this! :-) But on the serious side, this was a HUGE change for you leaving home & all the people you know here & family to go all the way to NZ AND have all the other stresses of that & a wedding!
You have gone & done so many things since I have been reading you so I know you have the strength to get thru this! You can Mary.. find the ways that will help you! Lots of people supporting you!
Jody – Fit at 53´s last [type] ..Sweet Potato Protein Cookie Happy Bdays
Thanks Jody. I really appreciate your support and continued encouragement. It’s rough right now but I really think I’ll get over it in time.
Getting your own life is so important in this situation – and it’d be the same for Kepa if your positions were reversed. Whenever I’ve lived overseas, it’s been by myself or else I’ve moved with my family so it was new for all of us, so I’m afraid I don’t have much advice for you on that account… that being said, I also found whenever I moved to a new place that it helped if I didn’t rely too much on my old life. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t talk to your family and friends in the US, of course – but just that sometimes it’s easier to transition if you focus on this as your life and as your old home as a different place. If that makes any sense?
Wonderful news about the emotional eating, though!
Sagan´s last [type] ..What are you doing to stay fit today
I don’t think you ALWAYS have to write about happy stuff. It would be creepy if everything in your life was constantly happy 24/7. so you might as well write about them. When you go to exercise classes, do people talk to each other? It always SEEMS like that would be a good way to make friends & I know I’m not a super friendly person, but I never see any of the other people in my classes talking to each other either. We come in, do the class, then leave right away. You seem pretty friendly, so if anyone can do it, you can! But, even if I don’t talk to the classmates, zumba is super fun. Once I was able to join a gym here in SF I felt a thousand percent better. When I moved to SF (not that it’s a different country but its on the other side so..sorta..) I created a social group where we could meet up in real life and go do things, and at its height it had a few hundred women. It’s a lot of work to create one, A LOT, but there might be something online like that, that’s free and you all just go do stuff together. I met some friends that way, who arent my friends anymore, but still. It did give me an identity for a while, people knew I was merri who ran GirlsLoveFun, which helped me fake things for a while till i found myself again.
merri´s last [type] ..Just a LITTLE Bit Left Over
I haven’t gone to any exercise classes yet here so I don’t know if people talk to each other or if they are like yall and just leave. Either way, Zumba is fun so that will at a very least be good even if no one ever talks to me. :)
That GirlsLoveFun thing is so cool!
it was…but other ppl were supposed 2 help plan stuff & all they did was complain & not help. it got 2 be 2 much so i gave it up & now it is only a listerv that some random girl accepts emails to be sent out to once a week, & no 1 even sends emails. LOL. but it served its purpose at the time!
merri´s last [type] ..Just a LITTLE Bit Left Over
I wonder if there are any good biking groups around there, that might be a great place to meet people. In my town, there are group bike rides of all distances and speeds, several times a week from different places. They’re pretty social in nature. I’ve never lived out of the country, but I’ve heard that it can be a really hard adjustment. Good luck!
I am SO with you on this. Being in Texas doesn’t technically make me an expat but everyone says it’s another country, and it certainly feels that way.
This? “My anxiety has been through the roof, my self-esteem has dropped, my self-confidence is completely gone, I don’t have any friends, I’m overly dependent on Kepa, and I’m completely stressed out by my family/money/wedding planning from a world away. It feels like everything has slipped away from me.” Is so so close to how I’ve been feeling lately.
Hang in there — I think you’ll have a turning point eventually!! Mine came yesterday, but only because I decided to “climb the wall,” as you said.
xx
Rachel Wilkerson´s last [type] ..Lesson 63- On Job Searching
Texas can definitely be a world of it’s own. Here’s to hoping things get better for both of us quickly. :)
Oh Mary — I think that you would be feeling some of this even if you were living in the states, because I went through the same thing gearing up for my wedding. Becoming someone’s wife is a huge personal shift, and the preparations often seem overwhelming and so much harder for us (the girls) than for the boys. I would be so angry with Hunter because of how hard I was working to make his life/wedding/honeymoon/home nice when he just took it in and contributed so much less. When you are thinking about things like changing your name, dealing with someone’s unpleasant habits for your entire life, sacrificing your dreams for his, etc., it is hard not to feel like you’ve lost some of yourself.
For me, the cure was the Thursday night before my wedding when about a dozen of my closest friends got together. Hunter wasn’t there, and I got to be myself — the Mary Beth that still exists without him.
Try finding some things in NZ you enjoy and don’t invite Kepa to join you. Make a point of doing one thing each week intentionally, where you fix your hair, leave the house, and don’t involve him. See if it helps.
Also, I love you and you are a rock star for doing all of this while being so far from home.
I think you might be right. Seriously, I think that might be a big part of it which I don’t know how to handle and feel wrong for feeling. I’m going to try that.
Thanks Mary Beth. :)
just wanted to add my support to everyone else’s. i enjoy your blog and support your sharing whatever you want — whether it’s celebrating something happy or sharing feelings of anxiety/sadness — and i know you’ll find your way over this expat wall in your own time. take care!
janedog´s last [type] ..Health care legislation…finally affecting my life
HI! I very randomly read your blog and I think it’s one I really should note to read more often as I always enjoy it. This one caught my eye because I feel like i’m in the same frame of mind and I haven’t moved. You are living my dream, moving to another country and yet you remind us that it’s not all lolly pops and roses. It’s just reality. I thought that I would tell you about a travel site called travbuddy.com I have met lots of wonderful people from all over the world on that site. It might be a great way for you to connect with others, traveling or living in NZ. In the least, you can read oodles of amazing travel blogs.
Hi, thought I would leave a quick comment on your post because it certainly rang a bell with me – I too have moved cities (not quite countries) for a guy, and it was SUPER tough. I knew, for my happiness, as well as for OUR happiness as a couple that I needed to create my own life, hobbies and make my own friends so that I was happier (and not relying on my partner entirely) – and therefore the time I spent with my partner would be happier.
I think the thing is – don’t get too down on yourself too soon. It’s going to take time to build up a community of friends and hobbies…and its damn HARD WORK! So often I would have to force myself out of my comfort zone to ask a new aquaintance to have coffee with me, and to begin with I would be shy and awkward, and sometimes it was hard work keeping the conversation going – but I tried to just overcome that and babble my way through it….eventually I would have made a new friend and that was awesome. I also took this opportunity of being in a new city to go and do the things I always wanted to do – i bought myself a new camera and I signed up for photography classes at the local adult learning centre, I joined a dragon boating team, I signed up for ‘look better naked’ womens team training at the gym…
I think it was really important for me to try and build a life separate to my partners – because sometimes he wants to go out with his friends on his own, and he feels bad leaving me at home watching TV (which most of the time I was quite happy about!). Now 2 years later and I have a great group of friends and social life, and am busier than he is!
Kiwi’s are really friendly, it just takes time. Hang in there!
All the best,
Leah (wellington) xx
Leah´s last [type] ..Oh- Harry!
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