Anxiety is a funny thing because often it’s something you can hide from other people.
No one has to know you are filled with anxiety. If you can still force yourself to function, to push past the uncomfortable anxiety flooding your mind, then no one will even know you have a problem.
I realized this last week when my friend told me about her new job. It’s a high stress job that involves almost constant phone and e-mail conversations. She is constantly meeting new people and talking to people all day long. She told me she thought it would be the kind of job I would love.
I laughed and agreed with her even though I knew I would hate that kind of job.
Just hours early at work they finally installed a phone on my desk. I knew all along that answering the phone would be part of my responsibility, but I had been hoping it would never happen since I didn’t have a phone.
When the phone first rang I suddenly was filled with terror. Complete terror.
It’s amazing to think that answering the phone suddenly scared me so much, but it did. I freaked out internally and was flooded with relief when the designer who has been answering the phones answered out of habit. I know this week I will have to overcome the anxiety and force myself to answer the phone but it’s not something I am excited about. It’s not something I will love doing.
My friend was wrong. They think I would love a job with lots of people interaction. They think this because I make myself be social and friendly and outgoing when I need to – even if it causes me anxiety.
I’ve had people argue with my before over whether or not I’m shy. I say I’m shy then people meet me and they don’t understand why I said I’m shy. I say that I am shy because generally if I have the chance to fade away into the background I will. I won’t willingly take the spotlight in a crowd. I get anxious around groups of people and stop talking unless I force myself to talk which I usually don’t unless I have to do so. Basically if given the chance I wouldn’t meet new people or put myself in new social situations.
I just don’t give myself that chance and instead I force myself to do things that cause me anxiety and meet and talk to people. In my mind I’m shy, but I force myself to go past that. In social situations I’m often overwhelmed with anxiety, but I force myself to deal with it (mostly).
I live with my anxiety. I carry it with me everywhere I go. I feel it in almost every social interaction. Sometimes it’s almost overpowering but living with it has made me a master of working around it. Hardly anyone knows it’s there (unless they read this) except my very best friends and Kepa and my mom. I live with my anxiety even though I wish I didn’t.
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I didn’t go to the support group tonight because of transportation issues (boo!). Part of me is happy though because I didn’t have to worry and be anxious about it all day. Oh well, eventually I will make it there!
Hope everyone had a great Wednesday!
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{ 23 comments }
Thanks so much for sharing :) – I can completely relate – a few years ago when I moved to Toronto I took a job working at a call center and was literally terrified every single time a new customer came on the line; not because they were mean people but it was just that I didn’t know what to expect with each new call. I’m pretty good at hiding my anxiety too; I was really good at my job and made lots of sales but was terrified: it was like I was playing a character. I still have anxiety issues myself but it got better as I got used to the things that freak me out. It might take a bit of time but you’ll get used to that phone eventually :)
ps. I just recently found your blog and I’m definitely looking forward to future posts. :)
I can completely relate to both of you. I wok in financial sales and have to give presentations and speak on conf calls regularly. The secret is that I have major anxiety issues. I find that speaking or writing about them helps the fear long term. Also, like Michelle wrote, the more you interact with your fear the more you overcome it. Thanks for sharing guys!
I could of easily wrote this post about myself. It unfortunately affects my sleep and I had to get help. The only way I can sleep is with anxiety meds. Which also help me calm down during the day but large groups of people I dont know still terrify me. You are not alone! *hugs*
A Girl Who Loves Cupcakes´s last [type] ..Work- Gym- School- Life
Thank you so much for being honest with this Mary. I have major anxiety but hide it fairly well from others. Yet I beg Hunni to answer the phone at home or work and prefer to do the behind the scenes work instead of talking to people.
Cynthia (It All Changes)´s last [type] ..The G-Free Diet – Review
I’ve got anxiety as well – but mine is more agoraphobia/social anxiety related….meetings, etc. Most of the time nobody knows it’s happening, but *I* know. And that bugs me. It’s always there – always a part of every situation – and I wish I could “cure” it!
Kelly @ Kelly Be Well´s last [type] ..Sorry for the lack of updates…
I used to work in a call centre and that left me a shocking anxiety disorder that took me virtually years to get under control. Put it this way, I don’t visibly shake when the phone rings any more!
Social anxiety is different. Your right though, that it isn’t something that can always be seen by others. I tend to talk too fast and ramble a lot when I get nervous. Most times I just hope that people mistake it for being bubbly!
Sarah´s last [type] ..Cropped
I used to work in a call center too… My cell stays on vibrate or silent at all times… even when my office phone rings (4 years later) there is a small feeling of dread involved. Not as bad as it used to be. When I worked in the call center, during my breaks I would go find a corner and bawl my eyes out because I just did NOT want to go back in there and hear that shrill again. I gave a 28 day notice. Call centers are a vicious workplace.
Lily Fluffbottom´s last [type] ..Breakfast
I’ve heard such bad things about working in call centers! That’s one area I refuse to even consider regarding work because I think it would break me down.
I so appreciate your honesty about this topic. I have very similar anxiety. I am terrified of meeting new people or going places alone. Having job responsibility that make me answer phones all day has been extremely difficult.
It is great to know I am not alone and you have lots of support around you.
I recently sought out counseling, and it was confirmed that I have social anxiety disorder. I can totally relate you your “shyness”. People don’t believe me when I tell them I’m shy. Anywho, I have only had my introductory meeting with the psychiatrist, but I will be doing his social anxiety group plus one on one with him. I’m looking forward to learning how to overcome the fear resonse I deal with almost everyday of my life. Thanks for sharing.
Char´s last [type] ..Im still alive!!!
you rock for your willingness to SHARE and open up.
for putting yourself out there and normalizing for so so many.
Miz´s last [type] ..Join me for breakfast giveaway post
Mary – I so understand this post of yours!!! I am shy to in many of the ways you described but people don’t believe me either! Social parties & things like that scare the crap out of me! “What do I say to people I don’t know” – YIKES!
Thx for sharing!
Jody – Fit at 53´s last [type] ..Visual-Every Day Health Meets Gym Sightings
I am only becoming familiar with Generalized Anxiety Disorders. Just reading up ona article about the different types http://www.dailyrx.com/feature-article/when-worry-wont-go-away-1766.html?page=0,1
Thinking about the impending event of the phone being delivered, do you think knowing that they were going to install the phone compounded the anxiety attack?
I’m not sure. I pretty much have constant anxiety surrounding phones anyway so I don’t think it would have made much of a difference. If it had been there on the first day it probably would have still freaked me out.
I have the same anxiety. It’s like a fear of not knowing what to say, or something. A fear of awkwardness, I guess. (Which is odd, because that anxiety is what causes so much of the awkwardness.) I’m trying to force myself to make phone calls and go more places…but it’s a slow, slow process.
New Shannon´s last [type] ..Don’t Fear The Running Store
I like that definition…a fear of awkwardness. That about sums it up.
Anxiety is such a weird struggle because I feel like I’m making it up half the time. Usually the more I face it, the easier it gets, but some situations I will just never put myself in, like bars/clubs. Can’t even stomach the idea of being around so many strangers with so many potential options.
I think the thing I fear the most is making an idiot of myself and being rejected in the process of it. Being judged and rejected.
Lily Fluffbottom´s last [type] ..Breakfast
Yes, the fear of being judged negatively is at the root of it. I fear being awkward or doing something wrong because I’ll be judged and rejected as wrong. I’ve always hated being wrong and never really got the fact that everyone want like me no matter what I do.
I think it’s so awesome that you can open up about your anxiety and be so honest. I have anxiety around phones, too. Not so much answering, but waiting for someone to answer gives me anxiety attacks, even if it’s my fiance! I hope things get easier for you at work! :)
I feel like I might be anxious somewhat, or maybe its just my introvertness, but Im awful around people. I hate phones too. Luckily my phone at work doesn’t generally ring that often, couple times a day or maybe not at all for days on end. Emails!! :) (strangely, I have no problem giving presentations or having attention). Reading your blog I always think of you as this bubbly outgoing person with tons of friends that most people would be drawn to. I would not think of you as shy. Then again, I have a friend who is always out at clubs, parties, bars, events, is invited to birthday parties almost every single day cuz they have so many friends, yet tell me how introverted they are, and that they just learned to force themselves and fake it. You guys being able to do that is really great. I half want to and half don’t want to, have that ability. I do it to a certain extent, going to random events and classes alone where I’m out of my element. And even though I hate phones a lot, I did work in a call center for a time. Anyways, thanks again for posting such honest blogs!
merri´s last [type] ..Reborning Play
This post made me think about when I used to work at a hotel front desk. I literally worked there for 3+ years and had to keep a little script of what to say when I answered the phone otherwise I would just freeze up. If my script was ever missing I would completely forget how to answer the phone and an awkward little “uh…hello…um…” would come out. I think it was the anxiety about not knowing what to expect.
Thanks for sharing!
Liz @ life in liz’s shoes´s last [type] ..Day 2 – better tools to keep you on track
Oh yes I can relate.
I’m an introvert who loves people. So I tend to pick jobs where I interact with the public, then I’m drained because if the need to be “on.” (Pretty much acting like an extrovert no matter how anxious I am feeling.)
I recently got a new job where I not only have to answer/make phone calls and e-mails but I have to supervise too. I’ve been really anxious about it. Hopefully, I’ll find a job that won’t leave me so drained when I’m done with it.
Good luck!
I am amazed there are so many people like me around. I can talk to people and have no problem with making conversation with people but particularly in big groups I struggle. This is why I have always struggled in the workplace. If I could work on my own I would as just being around people eight hours a day five days a week drains me.
However I do love people. I am currently out of work after having to give up my last job through ill health and this sort of thing has happened to me throughout my life. I have had counselling but the fear is still present around new people. Around people I know or am comfortable with I am fine, it is constant new situations I find so difficult, like has been said because of the fear of judgement.
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