Being out of control is scary.
Being in a situation you can’t control is even scarier to me.
Being in control is one of the chapters in When Food Is Love (my therapist told me to journal while I’m reading…so I’m blogging). When I was reading the chapter I realize that for me being in a situation out of my control is definitely something that causes me to binge.
Since I’ve been back in Memphis I’ve been binge eating often. Probably 3-4 times a week though I haven’t been keeping track and some weeks are better than others. This is happening mostly because I feel out of control in my situation here and I can’t control the people in my life or what they do.
In New Zealand I don’t remember binge eating once. I overate a few times but I didn’t binge. I didn’t make myself sick with food. I didn’t go back to the habits that caused me to reach 255 lbs in the first place. I also didn’t feel the same kind of constant stress that I feel around my family now. I didn’t feel out of control. I didn’t feel the desire to binge eat. I didn’t once feel the same way I have lately.
Life in New Zealand might have been hard because I couldn’t find work, but it was better in a lot of ways especially in my healthy eating and exercise. Since I’ve been back I’ve been trying to figure out why the binge eating started upon my return. I’m pretty sure I’ve figured out why this is happening and will work on those issues in therapy, but I still keep trying to compare my life in both places. I keep coming back to the fact that I have less control here because of certain circumstances I find myself in.
I don’t talk much about my home life in Memphis for a few reasons. One, I’ve been told by some readers that I complain too much so I try to leave out negative stuff anymore. Two, I try not to blog negatively about particular people. Since it’s people I would have to blog about to explain I just keep it offline and try to deal (or not deal) in my own way.
This is all to say, I’ve been struggling. I wish I could have fit in more therapy since my first visit because I need it. I’m looking forward to going again this week. I was crying over the phone to Kepa last night trying to explain that I don’t want to be this person anymore. I don’t want to be the person that I always become when I’m around my family. I don’t want to binge anymore.
In many ways this is the exact same situation I was in a few years ago when I was living at home and working in Memphis. During that year and a half I ended up extremely depressed. I regained 40+ lbs I had lost and racked up $5500 in credit card debt – both mistakes I’m still trying to fix. It scares me to feel like I’m in the same situation again, like I’m on the edge. The recent binge eating was the first sign that it was going to be a repeat of that year, but this time I’m trying to do things differently. I’m trying to accept what I can’t control and focus on what I can.
Thanks to Kepa I’m finally in therapy. I’m working on my family issues and my disordered eating issues. I also have someone to talk to about everything thanks to Kepa. Last time this happened I felt alone in the world, but this time I can talk to Kepa every night for love and support. I’m incredibly lucky to have such amazing support from my fiance.
I guess I just needed to write this and work through things to tell myself one thing: I’m going to be okay. This time I’m going to make it. I’ve got a great life, I’m an awesome person, and I’m truly loved. I can’t control everything but things will be better. Life is good.
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{ 48 comments }
hugs!!!
Foodie McBody´s last [type] ..A Strange Case of Exercisophobia
You are doing such an amazing job staying aware of your feelings and your situation, and I really believe that’s a big part of how you’ll be successful in keeping things from getting too crazy this time around. You should be so proud of the work you are doing, and for those people who tell you you’re too negative, tell them to go away! Your blog should be a safe place for you to come and vent and gripe and do whatever it takes to work through your feelings. Thanks for talking about binge eating in a way I’m finding super relatable and (sadly) relevant right now.
Heather´s last [type] ..Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-06-26
I’m no therapist, but being about 10 yrs older than you and just having talked to a lot of friends about this, it seems a fairly common phenomenon for people to revert back to old habits when adults are back home with their parents. While disordered eating is maybe a more dangerous old habit to fall back into, things like being lazy, argumentative, juvenile, whatever, seem to happen fairly frequently. I remember my best friend’s husband talking to me about how stressful it could be for the 2 of them to go visit either set of parents — because the spouse whose parents they are would act like the person who used to live with those parents, rather than acting like the adult who entered into marriage. And I certainly think there are some ways I behave when we go to my parents’ house that I don’t do at my home with hubby, many (or all?) of which may drive him batty…
The good news is, you aren’t going to live at home forever, and hopefully you’ll be going into a supportive and healthy home with Kepa when it’s time. But you’re so smart to try to fix it now — both so you don’t do more damage to your body while you’re home for now, and so that you won’t have to worry about falling back into this old habit when you’re home visiting 10, 20, 30 yrs from now.
Sorry if this doesn’t sound very clear, I’m sleepy and having trouble trying to think of how to word it.
Carina´s last [type] ..Alive, just not Kicking
It’s not about my parents so much, but yes, it’s pretty common to revert back to behavior when you live at home again or even just visit. Your comment was clear, I totally understood what you were saying. I’ve never been able to control my family and how they act and how they treat each other (and me) and how nice they are (or aren’t). That is at the very core of all this and it’s something that apparently never will change.
This won’t last forever and yes, Kepa and I will have a healthy and supportive home when we are married. And we are both aware of our issues and open to therapy and all that. It’s hard to explain how much I’m looking forward to that!
Yeah, most of my personality changes when I get home are triggered by one of my bros. He can say something to me that is fairly innocent, something that wouldn’t bug me if any of my other brothers said it, but I tend to jump down his throat just b/c of our history of not getting along. It’s like I’m waiting for an excuse to argue with him, and I have no great explanation for why. Fortunately, he’s also a lot more mature now and it seems to be getting easier — for both of us. But I still act like a baby and let my mom do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. when I’m home…
Carina´s last [type] ..Alive, just not Kicking
You should post about whatever you want. It’s your blog!
Binge eating is a coping mechanism and it sounds like you are having difficulty coping at the moment. It’s great that you recognise what situations you don’t handle well. You know what you want to do differently and that you are worthy. Fantastic!
Sarah´s last [type] ..Midday Breakfast
I love you Mary! I know I am far from you, but you are always welcome here if you need to get away. It’s only like an 12 hour drive from Memphis, and apparently there’s a bus from Knoxville to DC now. But I can’t attest to that. :)
Or if you just need to vent you can always send me an email or FB message. Although, I can’t imagine anyone trying to tell you how to write your own blog. I mean, that’s kind of ridiculous, isn’t it? You are the boss of it.
Mary Beth I love you! I so wish you lived closer! Or I wish I had free plane tickets to DC. ;)
Oh Mary, long distance relationships suck, don’t they? I’m sorry you’re struggling but am glad that you are aware of what’s going on and will be tackling this in therapy. And this doesn’t have to be a repeat of that earlier cycle; you will get ahead of it, I know it! Hugs to you!
erin´s last [type] ..Our Growing Girl
Hi,
I’ve found your blog a few months ago and you’ve always got great posts! I haven’t found anything negative on it, just real life stuff! It’s helping me with my journey :)
I understand the binging and have been working on mine for almost 2 years. It does get better and I guess the only good thing is binging is a clear symptom of stress, even when I’d rather deny there’s a problem! Sounds like you’re in a rough place now but eventually you’ll be away from the family? Hang in there :)
Jenna´s last [type] ..Update
I’m glad to hear that. :)
I know it gets better because I’ve been in a place and period of my life where it wasn’t a problem. I just have to make it through this stressful time. I can do that, right? Right. ;)
Oh, Mary, I am with you on this one too…I’m doing very well on the weekdays, and then, when I’m with my family the weekend, I’m always struggling not to binge and back into old patterns…
I read an article on Whole Living about Andrew Peterson’s book, The Next Ten Minutes. It basically explain that when we walk into our childhood home (or family) we have 30 seconds to revert to our childhood ego state.
It’s pretty scary to think of it, but lots of time, it really feels like this. Being with my extended family always make me act like a little child who need to escape all of the fuss. Apparently, by remembering and feeling a moment where we felt like our truest , best self, taking deep breaths, holding a small object in our hands, this could help being more aware and anchor to our present self…
I always forget to do it, and it’s tricky to find a place to do it, but I find the concept interesting, and when my therapist were saying that if I have a relapse of trich, I shouldn’t worry too much, because I’ll never go as far as the previous time, I thing she is right. If we stop and think, we’ll be able to find the place where we were able to surround ourself with great friends and love, and we can remember the tools we learned to be our best self. Yes, it is scary, but Mary, like you said, you are an awesome girl and I’m sure you will find a way to go through this period of time a lot better than the last time!
Mylene´s last [type] ..For the love of our kids…
Mary, I am so glad you are working this thru & have Kepa & your therapist to talk to… you can do tis – it is hard & sometimes we go back before we go forward so don’t get discouraged!!! PLUS, you have that great job which is a positive! Hang in there!
Jody – Fit at 53´s last [type] ..Gratitude Monday; Organic Coffee Review; Happy Bday!
It’s really sad to me that you feel like you need to edit yourself on your own blog. Boo to those meanies who said that you’re negative. So what? We all have down days and the blog is meant to be a place to express yourself. If they don’t want to read it, let them move on. But of course, you might find it easier than reading a bunch of stupid comments.
I’m so sorry that you are going through this, but it sure sounds like you’re doing everything you can to gain back control – therapy, the book, blogging, leaning on Kepa – I know that it’s hard now, but hopefully all of these tools will help you come out on the other side even stronger than you are now.
I’m thinking of you.
Bella´s last [type] ..Monday, 6/27 Workout(s) – Done!
Yes, you can get through it! Of course you will. You’ve got happily ever after awaiting :) But what I really wanted to say is…write what you want to on YOUR blog!!! Please. I think it is so ridiculous when commenters criticize what a personal blogger writes about. I always think that if they don’t like it they don’t have to read! Be yourself. That’s why people love your blog.
Caroline Calcote´s last [type] ..Where I janked up my arm
Your comment made me smile at the happily ever after awaiting part. :)
I totally agree. I don’t think you should not write or share something that you need or want to share. You never know if someone out there is going through the same things and needs to know they are not alone or maybe someone has been where you are and has worked through it and can help. I found your blog the week before your engagement and have loved your honesty and how real you are. Don’t stop because someone complained. They don’t have to read it that day. Reading your blog encourages me. I have been struggling with weight and insecurity issues for a long time and your blog helps me. I don’t know how to explain it but I just want to encourage you!:)
Thank you so much Traci! I do blog about those things because when I started blogging it felt like NO ONE ever talked about those feelings and issues. It’s not like I feel them all the time but they do come up and I do want to blog about them so those of us who feel that way at times has support.
Hey Mary,
What an open and honest post-I find you quite brave!
Just from a reader’s perspective(which is so weird to say about someone else’s LIFE huh?) you seemed really very depressed
and unhappy in NZ (not with Kepa of course, but the depression
and low esteem we all feel when we are out of work and just
feel drifting…plus I am sure your house allergies .living in someone else’s home,and being in a new land too
perhaps?)
Now when I read you sound much happier with your job,but of course I
am sorry to hear moving back in with the family has been a struggle and
difficult to cope with.I think it sounds like the perfect time to tackle things through
therapy and wish you all the best in that journey.
I just remember how depressed you sounded often in NZ. Life has challenges
wherever we go I guess, but I wold agree that family issues really are the most
painful and tough to deal with.Once again, kudos to you on your bravery to face things none of us want to.One day in the future when you have children I bet you will be so thankful you faced these demons head on in your twenties….cause
sadly many people never do and live with lots of regret and hidden anger.
Thanks for being a fearless writer and baring part of your soul1
It’s funny. I guess I’m a bit too dramatic in my writing and write in the moment because usually when I seem depressed on the blog I’m over it in 20 minutes. It’s therapeutic for me to write but I suppose readers don’t realize I move on from most things pretty quickly. I suppose it’s hard when you all don’t get the full picture, just whatever I’m feeling at the moment.
In NZ I developed asthma, was sick for a month at a time, became lactose intolerant, couldn’t find work, and so on. A lot of crappy things happened during that period that I talked about on the blog. Overall I enjoyed my quality of life more in New Zealand – I could bike everywhere, I spent time with someone who loved me, didn’t have family drama, and so on. I guess though I talked about those happy things they didn’t make as much of an impact as when I blogged about the other things. I think that’s partly because the majority of people connect better with my sad/upset/angry/depressed/negative writing than the more mundane happy day in the life type post. Example is yesterday’s post that got hardly any comments and many fewer views than today’s. As a writer who wants people to read my blog it’s a compelling reason to write passionately about things that bother me because I know my readers connect – even if I’ve moved on in five minutes. And sometimes it’s just easier to connect with and remember the bad than the good, in life in general and as a blog reader.
Family issues are the worst for me since they are what started me down the compulsive eating path and what trigger me the most. So yes, it’s good to deal with it now.
Totally get what you are saying about blogging not representing the
full picture of your (or anyone’s !) life.Nice to know this isn’t too annoying (might drive me batty!)You have a good perspective on it sounds like.
May your path through therapy bring the ultimate reward of peace-
peace in yourself-past and present,and peace with accepting
the limitations in your family dynamic without losing your happiness.
Wishing peace for us all,really!!
Thank you. :)
PS I think it’s awesome once in a while to have
“no comment” posts-seriously, I am feeling your pwer
of change and you are rocking it!
Don’t ever let any body bring you down Mary-you
have to much to offer this world :)
It’s great that you figured out why you binge and that you are getting support from Kepa and the therapist. I also think that negative or positive blog it’s your blog and you should write about whatever you want. Life isn’t always rainbows and smiles there are days when we feel down. Thanks for sharing your story with us everyday.
You are an amazingly awesome person! And you are loved SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much!!!
Every day I wish you weren’t living in that situation. Seeing you smile and hearing you laugh is the best part of my day.
Once again, I’m so proud of what you’re doing, the steps you’re taking to find ways to cope with things that people just shouldn’t have to cope with. Honestly.
You are so worth the time and effort you are putting in to take care of yourself.
I love you!
Kepa´s last [type] ..Wedding Sexy: Weigh-in 4
It sounds like you’re having a really tough time at the moment but you’ve had a year of big adjustments. Being around family can trigger old habits in many people and discovering a part of you is still there that you’d thought had gone is really disturbing but it sounds like you’re proactive in helping yourself heal by being open to therapy, putting it out there on here and talking it through with Kepa.
The only thing I can say is just focus on the fact that you have a lovely fiance who adores and accepts you and this difficult time will end; then you can start your adventure with a supportive, loving husband. Take care.
D…´s last [type] ..Crawling back to the gym…
Control is such a tricky thing… We can’t control others, nor should we. We can only control ourselves and our feelings, but learning this is HARD. I spent time with my family this weekend and it was a disaster. Again. So I get where you’re coming from. My intuitive eating journey prevented me from binging on food or wine this time, so I got hit full-on with all the negative emotions. It sucked big time! But this is the only position from which I can effect change in my relationship with my family, so it was a valuable experience.
Hanlie`´s last [type] ..Rebirth
I’m sorry Mary that things seem to be uncermountable, they do for me also, but even though you may not know it you are the bright spot of my day, and all to soon you will be gone. I am not the strongest mother in the world most of my strength has been drained from me, but I do know one thing you are strong but you let too many things make you like me and that is weak. You have so much strength in you and you have so much help with Kepa on your side. You cannot let the situation determine who you are, because this is not who you are, you are strong your are smart and confident in your abilities, this eating thing (whatever it is called) is just another way of letting other people tell you that you are weak and out of control. You are not, you are as strong as anyone could be, I know you Mary and I have seen what you have been through and for most people they would not have come through it, but you, just look at you, why would you let anyone make you less than we both know you are.
I as well as you know the problem and it stems from a learned behavior, from father to son, and I pray God will show you that this is just what it is and learned behavior can be changed. It also could be that fear is in there somewhere for someone who has never been alone without support and they are as scared as they can be about being alone and sometimes that fear makes you mean and hateful just to mask what you truly feel, I know it is hard to think like that but just consider for a moment that it is true.
Put on that smile bring your mindset to the situation and believe in yourself as I do, people dont dictate who you are, they can contribute to it but ultimately it is up to you. Talking to the therapist should help you realize you are strong.
Always on your side!
Mom
It’s time to break the cycle. Family has a way of getting under our skin and pushing all our buttons whether we like it or not. Knowing that it is happening and looking for ways to deal with it is a step in the right direction. You can break this destructive cycle and learn new ways to deal with family drama. Take care of yourself and remember that bingeing isn’t going to make any of that drama go away.
This is awesome. You’re so brave for writing out your fears and underlying reasons for binging. I think that is so important for getting off the binge-wagon. So often, I feel like I just NEED to eat to ease the tension in my body, when really my needs are something else entirely.
You’re a rockstar.
Sarah´s last [type] ..4 Days til (my) Summer
Mary – repeat after me – “I am BRAVE. I am STRONG. Eating does NOT define me. I ACHIEVE my goals. I will marry my ONE true love.”
You are amazing and I love that you are sharing your journey. Warts and all. :)
I don’t think eating defines me. Maybe it seems like it because of this blog, but honestly I don’t need to repeat that because it’s not something I believe. But thank you so much for your support. :)
Ok – replace that part with – “I have AMAZING eyebrows.” :)
You are the best. ;)
I am a bit worried about your reply here… If you leave that one out because you already believe that, does that imply that you will repeat the other ones for the reason that you don’t really believe them, but would like to? Poor Kepa! :-) Kepa, don’t feel bad, I am sure that she did not really mean it like that and that I am misconstruing things!
Oh good lord. Sometimes I honestly wonder what is wrong with you people because you read way too much into everything. I didn’t write those sentences, someone else did. It seemed like she was saying those things because they were all true, yet I didn’t think the eating one applied because it’s just not something I think about in my life but I do think about the others. The rest already are true and I don’t need to sit around and repeat them to myself to make them true. But honestly, I didn’t put much thought into it and neither should you. Please, move on. Go do something happy.
I’m really glad you’re in therapy to help you deal with those issues. Is there any way you can limit contact with the parts of the family that are the biggest issues or are you kind of stuck in a whirlwind of mayhem? Or do you know of anyone you’re working with looking for a temporary roommate? I know it’s hard but binging just gives those people or situations power they don’t deserve. I am hopeful you can pull yourself out of this and take those lessons forward in your life.
Oh and as far as the people who told you that you complain too much on YOUR blog. Tell them to blow it out their ditty bag. There are 4 zillion OTHER blogs out there they can read. D-bags. :-P
The Mrs @ Success Along the Weigh´s last [type] ..Roasted Root Veggies
Haha @ whirlwind of mayhem. That’s the best phrase ever.
Believe me, I’ve been trying to fix the situation since I’ve been back. So far nothing has worked out, but as always I’m not giving up. :)
Hi Mary
This was a really good post. I got my copy of the book at the weekend and got hooked last night.
The bit about control really hit home to me and I already recognise that when I have binged are times that I have felt out of control and therefore turned to something that I could and thought ‘look world I can do what I want!’
I’m going to carry on reading tonight and will then be able to understand your other post about the book more.
Thank you for taking the time to write while you read it and for sharing with us something that is very personal.
You are making me feel stronger as I want to have your strength.
Angie´s last [type] ..Choices
You are strong Angie.
Thanks Mary!
Its your blog so don’t let anyone dictate what you write!
Angie´s last [type] ..The Biggest Adventure Of All
We have a lot in common…I am SO glad you’re addressing this stuff now and not waiting until you’re 40-something. As for those who think you complain or write negative stuff?? I both understand and have felt the same way about stuff I’ve written, AND I feel that it’s good to get it out, no matter what others think. So in the end we have to do what feels right…
I love that you’re doing this work, so to speak.
KCLAnderson (Karen)´s last [type] ..Awwwwwww…
Hey if you can’t complain on your own blog where can you? If it were me, I’d forget the nay sayers and be open and honest with yourself on your blog. This is YOUR place to let it all out, and if they dont like what they see they can go elsewhere!
Cynthia´s last [type] ..If I…
You don’t complain too much. This is your blog and you have every right to write whatever you want. If some readers don’t like what you’re saying, they aren’t being forced to read it. So, don’t listen to them.
merri´s last [type] ..I Went to the Chiropractor
Wow Mary I’m sorry you are having such a hard time. You know when you said you don’t talk about your life in Memphis because some readers complained, it doesn’t mean you should stop talking. I think staying positive is important, but the reality of it is that sometimes we all need a little complaining here and there.
Last night I found this amazing spiritual blog, and this girl went traveling to a meditation Ashram for 10 days. She wrote about her experience, and one of the things she said the teacher in Ashram made her understand – the more we react to our circumstances the more they happen, we need to observe but not react, this way we can prevent it from happening over and over. Slowly all the pain and suffering and things that make us miserable peel away, just as long as we don’t react.
I did notice that you might be a little negative at times ( please don’t take this to heart ), but you have to remember that you are in control of you life, you can change anything, but you also have the right to complain a little ;).
Tatianna´s last [type] ..Protein Fudge Recipe
I’m negative. I win.
Mary, thank you so much for writing so openly and honestly. I like you and many others also binge especially when I am under mental and emotional stress. I’ve been reading Geneen Roth’s Women, Food, & God and while I find that she’s right that identifying why we eat is important, I just haven’t gotten to the point where I can still make myself stop after identifying why I want to eat. Maybe by the end of the book I will reach enlightenment?
Thank you again for sharing your journey with us!
I’m right there with you. I’m hoping by the end of her books and therapy I can hit a more enlightened state where I won’t binge or can stop myself.
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