Hello friends! I’ve decided to blog today. Surprise!
Meghan left a comment on a recent post that I wanted to share and respond to:
I don’t mean this to sound offensive, but is this really you?
All these posts lately, with the slogans and the repackaging of news articles and public service type information- and so impersonal! Seems so uncharacteristic of the way you write. Makes me wonder if someone hasn’t taken over- maybe even something automated to get clicks or whatever.
Everything is still really well written. And again I don’t mean to offend. Even if this style of post isn’t my cup of tea, I’m sure other people like it. It’s just so weird that I have to ask if it’s you at all…
She made such a good point. Thanks homie! I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a while and this comment sparked the direction of this post because she was completely on point. I tried posting a few “impersonal” style posts about health and fitness. They were quick to write and easy and so fucking boring. Devoid of personality. Devoid of my style. I know. If I have any readers left here it’s probably a miracle.
I’ll be the first to admit that this decision wasn’t the best. Except the workout motivation post because… I really love stuff like that. It’s why Pinterest is one of my favorite hobbies. Pretty and motivational stuff? Yes please. The rest? Meh. But let’s move on from it, shall we? Let’s look at what is going on instead.
One problem with these posts is privacy.
I used to write really, really honest posts here. Frankly, I was a bit of an over-sharer. It happens sometimes when you blog since it doesn’t always feel like this information is going out there on the internet. You create a little space online and get responses but it doesn’t always feel real and tangible. I didn’t mind sharing so much about my personal life because it didn’t feel like there were any real consequences.
I also loved the connection I had with so many people around the world that shared the same struggles and triumphs. I loved sharing about things I did and hearing that I inspired people to try something new. However, while looking for a job and dating and doing all these new things, being so easily google-able made me panic. I freaked about the fact that I had all of this really personal content online. Did I really want future employers and coworkers to know all this information about me? Did I want my boyfriend to know how much I cared about losing weight in the past?
So, I over corrected. If one direction is wrong, why not turn and try something completely different. Right? Well in doing so I lost a lot of what was awesome about this blog. I retreated to being very private and not wanting to share anything at all. I skipped right over the middle ground that exists.
Another problem is weight.
I used to write a lot about weight and it was one of the main goals I wanted to achieve. I admit that I did well and got under 200 lbs and about halfway to my original goal. Then? It stopped. It became less of a priority. Then as time passed, I felt like a failure. When I think about my weight loss and this blog, I think of it as a failure. Instead of being able to see how far I came and how much I’ve achieved, I can only see what I haven’t done. I can only see the last 35 lbs I want to lose. I can only see how I didn’t achieve my ultimate goal. I know some of you might agree with me and have previously left comments to that tune.
To be fair, weight loss hasn’t been a priority in my life for a while. I’ve been exercising and trying to eat well and still have a social life and work and do all those things. I make smoothies and go for walks and do a lot of active stuff. However, I haven’t really tried to lose weight in… a long time. Part of me wants to go back and try and the other part of me is happy where I am and living a healthy life at a size that’s smaller than I used to be and not quite as small as I wish I was.
Should I give up the “weight loss” moniker? Move on to a lifestyle blog or a healthy at every size blog? Those are things I can believe in and perhaps they won’t make me feel like a failure every time I want to blog about something cool I’ve done. Maybe that would allow me to keep going with my healthy behaviors and blogging about them without feeling like I’ve failed every time I look at my progress page.
The last problem is direction.
I need something to work towards. I’ve been directionless with this blog which is why the filler content came in. I didn’t know what direction to take or what to write about so I simply put in some filler pieces so I could delay thinking about it.
I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do in this space. Keep it going? Change the name? Change the direction? Which direction? HAES? Lifestyle? DIY? Does it even matter? The questions only bred more questions. Without a certain direction I simply didn’t want to think about it.
This problem is a bit symptomatic of the other problem in my life: I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. My career path has never been a traditional one but over the last couple years that has been even more true. It’s been a lot of ups and downs and confusion. Even while my personal life and support system grew into these amazing things thanks to staying in Memphis, I struggled with the idea of what my career and blogging life would become. I still don’t know! Direction is something I’m still working on in those areas. I’m honestly still trying to figure that part out but I know I need to settle on a direction and move towards it. Simply delaying and ignoring things doesn’t make anything happen.
This lack of direction is also true for exercising. While I’m still active, the lack of sports and canceling my gym membership last month really threw me off course. I know I need a goal or something to work towards in this area of life. I will exercise just to keep myself from going crazy, but it’s so much more satisfying with a direction or goal like a triathlon. Maybe that’s something I need to get back into or pick up a new sport or try something else. It’s another area of direction that needs to be looked at and decisions made.
So that’s where I’m at with …. everything! This was incredibly long and rambling and I have no idea what reaction I’ll get, if any. I just wanted to share what’s been going on with any loyal readers who might still be around. I hope you all are doing well!!
As for what’s next? I’m not sure. I want to keep blogging and figure out how I want to use this space. Now that I’ve got real life blogging friends it’s even more exciting in some ways. So we will see where this goes!