A Merry Life - The Pursuit of Healthy & Happy » Emotional Eating

Saturday Night Emotional Overeating

Mary — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 08:49:03 +0000

I ate too much today. I engaged in some major emotional eating that I shouldn’t have.

Blah.

I spent the night alone at home while Kepa was out with friends and I just got really down about the situation. I had a little pity party featuring multiple snacks that weren’t needed. It was easier for me to deal with overeating (what I’m used to) rather than deal with the actual emotions I was feeling (what I’m not used to). After I finished eating and came to my senses I wrote about it. I wrote down all of my thoughts before and after, emotions, all of it. I decided I wouldn’t post it though it did help me move on from the situation.

I have moved on and I’m focusing on the positive. Things aren’t all bad living here (basically my pity party involved being sad about living here and having no friends… lame). Last time I was living in NZ I had a really hard time adjusting but this time does seem to be better. I have a job, a dog, a lovely husband. And truthfully I’m actually starting to make friends here. Even if I don’t have besties I see every weekend I still have a few people to grab coffee with or go for a walk occasionally. Things are slowly improving and I’m making friends and that’s great. I guess I went temporarily insane and turned to food when I shouldn’t have.

It happens.

It happens much less frequently than it previously did.

Progress, not perfection. Right?

The good things about the day: I finished a killer leg workout in the morning, I ate a salad with grilled chicken for lunch, I drank tons of water, I ate multiple veggie servings, I caught up on Project Runway & Glee, I found a cheap sewing class to take and I made plans for next weekend.

Overall, even with the day ending in being alone and overeating, it was still pretty rad. Moving on because tomorrow is going to be a better day (just like the rest of this week that was pretty awesome!)

Saturday Night Emotional Overeating is a post from: A Merry Life! If you aren't reading it via RSS or on amerrylife.com it has been stolen!!

Therapy Thoughts: Journaling Homework

Mary — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 16:30:48 +0000

Sometimes during my therapy sessions my therapist has assigned me homework. In the beginning she asked me to read a book by Geneen Roth. She has asked me to have conversations with people in my life. The last homework she assigned between sessions was journaling.

This past week I’ve been journaling on and off surrounding my eating. My therapist gave me two assignments regarding journaling.

Journal after a slip (a binge). Usually after binge eating you want to escape what you just did – at least I do. I tend to slink away feeling horrible and try to immerse myself in an activity that will let me forget what just happened. My therapist instead suggested this week if I slipped and binged that I should force myself to think about it and face it afterwards. I should journal and ask myself what happened and why. If I started a binge I should stop as soon as I can, even in the middle, and start writing.

Journal before non-hunger eating. The other type of journaling I was supposed to do was before eating anything I wasn’t hungry for. Basically if I wanted to eat something but wasn’t physically hungry – I needed to journal first. I was to promise myself I could eat whatever I wanted as long as I wrote about it first. I had to give myself permission to still eat it later after my pre non-hunger eating journaling.

Those were the two times I was supposed to journal this week. I only ended up doing the second because I never encountered a binge or even the desire to binge this week. Despite being crazy busy (or maybe because of it?) I had no time or desire to binge eat.

I did do quite a bit non-hunger eating journaling both before and after eating. I didn’t always eat the things after journaling but I did realize I often am eating without being hungry. The reason why? About 80% of the time it was because someone else was offering me food or suggesting something. I seem to have a hard time saying no to people offering me things to eat. This is true with coworkers and with my family.

Journaling made me realize that I also am usually eating less-than-ideal food choices during this times. When I’m actually hungry I gravitate towards vegetables, meat, whole grains… you know, good stuff! When I’m not hungry but still want to eat I almost always gravitate toward sugar and fat filled foods for emotional comfort reasons. And often what people offer me are these same foods.

It was an eye opening experience journaling this week and learning what pushes me towards eating when I really don’t need to. I’m curious to see if this continues or changes as I keep journaling during these encounters.

This post is part of my blog series about therapy for disordered eating. See other posts in the series: Finding A Therapist, The First Session, Being In Control and Binge Eating, Suffering, I’m Stronger Than That, Skipping The First Bite.

Therapy Thoughts: Journaling Homework is a post from: A Merry Life! If you aren't reading it via RSS or on amerrylife.com it has been stolen!!

Therapy Thoughts: Suffering is a way of being in the world.

Mary — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 14:11:45 +0000

Being yelled at and called names almost every day for the majority of your life hurts and damages you in a way that is hard to explain to other people. Being in a situation where someone is verbally abusing you and threatening worse is scary, especially when you are younger. When you learn that screaming back, going silent, or doing anything else doesn’t stop it sometimes you find other coping mechanisms. That’s what I did with food. That’s what I talk about when I talk about my family. That’s what I still sometimes struggle with it because in my family the position of chief verbal abuser has been passed down from one person to another until it’s at the last one, but still hanging on. That’s why sometimes when the screaming and name calling and threats start I revert back to feeling exactly like the kid I used to be.

I read a passage in When Love Is Food yesterday that fully spoke to me and to my situation (emphasis mine).

There is nothing boring about being a compulsive eater. You are either hating yourself because you are too fat, giddy with the prospect of being thinner, or ready to rip yourself apart when you binge. Chaos, intensity, and drama are normal in the day-to-day life of a compulsive eater. Suffering is a way of being in the world.

It is as if we act out the parent-child relationship inside us when we eat. If what we heard or thought we heard as children was that we were bad and therefore deserved what was coming to us, we act that out by eating until we are so uncomfortable we can’t move. It is not uncommon for someone who is not a compulsive eater to think it unfathomable to eat so much that she would be miserable. Why would anyone want to eat that much? What’s the point? The point is not the taste or the texture or the smell of the food; overeating is a means to give ourselves what we believe we deserve.

Compulsive eating is a dramatic restaging of the suffering and/or violence that we witness as children in our families. Our relationship to food is a microcosm of all that we learned about loving and being loved, about our self-worth. It is the stage upon which we reenact our childhood. If we were abused, we will abuse ourselves with food. The degree to which we are violent, abusive, self-punishing is in proportion to the degree of violence, abuse, and punishment we received. We learn how to do it by having it done to us.

Boom. Pow. Geneen Roth gets is. I think I knew she would which is why I put off reading her books (and going to therapy for so long). I thought I could just get rid of the eating problems. It turns out that is pretty easy to do, but it doesn’t necessarily fix the root of the problem. So now I’m working on that now.

ps – For the record I’m feeling happy and today is going to be a great day. This is all just stuff that came up from reading my book for therapy and it’s stuff I want to get out and seemed liked a good follow up thought to yesterday’s post. I’m eating well and headed to the gym after work. It’s going to be awesome! Hope you all have a great day!

Therapy Thoughts: Suffering is a way of being in the world. is a post from: A Merry Life! If you aren't reading it via RSS or on amerrylife.com it has been stolen!!

Therapy Thoughts: Being in Control and Binge Eating

Mary — Mon, 27 Jun 2011 22:35:16 +0000

Being out of control is scary.

Being in a situation you can’t control is even scarier to me.

Being in control is one of the chapters in When Food Is Love (my therapist told me to journal while I’m reading…so I’m blogging). When I was reading the chapter I realize that for me being in a situation out of my control is definitely something that causes me to binge.

Since I’ve been back in Memphis I’ve been binge eating often. Probably 3-4 times a week though I haven’t been keeping track and some weeks are better than others. This is happening mostly because I feel out of control in my situation here and I can’t control the people in my life or what they do.

In New Zealand I don’t remember binge eating once. I overate a few times but I didn’t binge. I didn’t make myself sick with food. I didn’t go back to the habits that caused me to reach 255 lbs in the first place. I also didn’t feel the same kind of constant stress that I feel around my family now. I didn’t feel out of control. I didn’t feel the desire to binge eat. I didn’t once feel the same way I have lately.

Life in New Zealand might have been hard because I couldn’t find work, but it was better in a lot of ways especially in my healthy eating and exercise. Since I’ve been back I’ve been trying to figure out why the binge eating started upon my return. I’m pretty sure I’ve figured out why this is happening and will work on those issues in therapy, but I still keep trying to compare my life in both places. I keep coming back to the fact that I have less control here because of certain circumstances I find myself in.

I don’t talk much about my home life in Memphis for a few reasons. One, I’ve been told by some readers that I complain too much so I try to leave out negative stuff anymore. Two, I try not to blog negatively about particular people. Since it’s people I would have to blog about to explain I just keep it offline and try to deal (or not deal) in my own way.

This is all to say, I’ve been struggling. I wish I could have fit in more therapy since my first visit because I need it. I’m looking forward to going again this week. I was crying over the phone to Kepa last night trying to explain that I don’t want to be this person anymore. I don’t want to be the person that I always become when I’m around my family. I don’t want to binge anymore.

In many ways this is the exact same situation I was in a few years ago when I was living at home and working in Memphis. During that year and a half I ended up extremely depressed. I regained 40+ lbs I had lost and racked up $5500 in credit card debt – both mistakes I’m still trying to fix. It scares me to feel like I’m in the same situation again, like I’m on the edge. The recent binge eating was the first sign that it was going to be a repeat of that year, but this time I’m trying to do things differently. I’m trying to accept what I can’t control and focus on what I can.

Thanks to Kepa I’m finally in therapy. I’m working on my family issues and my disordered eating issues. I also have someone to talk to about everything thanks to Kepa. Last time this happened I felt alone in the world, but this time I can talk to Kepa every night for love and support. I’m incredibly lucky to have such amazing support from my fiance.

I guess I just needed to write this and work through things to tell myself one thing: I’m going to be okay. This time I’m going to make it. I’ve got a great life, I’m an awesome person, and I’m truly loved. I can’t control everything but things will be better. Life is good.

Therapy Thoughts: Being in Control and Binge Eating is a post from: A Merry Life! If you aren't reading it via RSS or on amerrylife.com it has been stolen!!

The Symptoms

Mary — Sun, 19 Jun 2011 21:21:20 +0000

“Diets don’t work because food and weight are the symptoms, not the problems. The focus on weight provides a convenient and culturally reinforced distraction from the reasons why so many people use food when they are not hungry. These reasons are more complex than- and will never be solved with – will-power, counting calories, and exercise. They have to do with neglect, lack of trust, lack of love, sexual abuse, physical abuse, unexpressed rage, grief, being the object of discrimination, protection from getting hurt again. People abuse themselves with food because they don’t know they deserve better. People abuse themselves because they’ve been abused. They become self-loathing, unhappy adults not because they’ve experience trauma but because they’ve repressed it.”

- Geneen Roth, introduction to When Food Is Love.

This felt like the most profound and appropriate thing I could have read today, considering it’s Father’s Day.

Today I started reading When Food Is Love. I didn’t even get past the introduction of the book before I realized I am that person she described. I thought I would be able to succeed in my journey without addressing the hurtful, messy past that caused me to abuse food in the first place. I was wrong. I haven’t been able to fix my symptoms – binge eating, emotional eating, using food for avoidance. Finally I’m now on the path to fix the root of my problems. It’s probably going to hurt and I’m probably going to hate it. But I don’t want to be that person she described anymore. I don’t want my past to have such a strong pull on me anymore.

The Symptoms is a post from: A Merry Life! If you aren't reading it via RSS or on amerrylife.com it has been stolen!!

Binge Eating and Therapy

Mary — Sat, 21 May 2011 15:00:40 +0000

Yesterday’s post was about the healthy things I did right this week.

I did a lot right. I really did. And this post doesn’t take away from any of those good things I did. I’m still glad I did them.

But there was also something that went really, really wrong – I started binge eating again. Almost every night. Even when I wanted to stop. Even when I was fighting myself to stop. Even when I was convincing myself I shouldn’t do it, I still did it. Over and over again.

The worst part was I kept telling myself I wouldn’t do it again. Then I did it again the next day.

It’s been many months since I last binged. In New Zealand I occasionally has the urge to binge but I didn’t follow through with those thoughts. I must not be over it like I thought because I fell into binge eating hard this week. Apparently I was just living a relatively stress free existence that didn’t trigger me. I’m not sure exactly what is triggering this in me now, but I need to figure it out. (Okay, I’m pretty sure it’s stress… I clearly don’t handle it well.) And I need to stop.

When I talked to Kepa last night he suggested I seek out professional help for this problem. At first I didn’t like the idea that he was telling me to get therapy for controlling my food issues .After I calmed down I realized that literally just hours earlier I had thought the same thing myself – “I need therapy.”

I guess these two things together finally convinced me to actually do it.

Last night I e-mailed a therapist. I did a bit of googling and found someone with a PhD who specializes in eating disorders. Her approach is “eclectic but based on mindfulness, cognitive and interpersonal approaches. It is my goal for each client to re-connect with their own resilience while practicing new skills for breaking out of old patterns.” That sounds good to me.

She also runs a free, community based eating disorders support group that has been meeting twice a month for 16 years. So I will force myself to go to that too because I still have a big problem.

I’m still waiting to hear back from her since e-mails sent on Friday nights aren’t usually returned asap. But I just wanted to share this part of my journey because it’s huge and scary and freaking me out. At the same time I think it might be the thing I’ve really needed all along and just didn’t want to admit. And I’m finally in a position where I actually have the money to afford therapy (sort of), so I need to go for it. And I am.

I hope you guys support me too!

Binge Eating and Therapy is a post from: A Merry Life! If you aren't reading it via RSS or on amerrylife.com it has been stolen!!

I’m A Crybaby, Not An Eater

Mary — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 12:00:02 +0000

I’m trying to stay upbeat still but having trouble with it. Even though I’m mostly better and we are entering spring here, I’m missing home. Fall is my favorite season and full of things I love: holidays, good food, seeing old friends, family dinners, college football, foliage. There is so much to love about the season and I’m realizing now that I’m going to miss it all.

I knew moving to another country would not be easy all the time. I’m trying not to miss my best friends and my mom and even all my brothers that much, but it’s hard when I want to talk to them and realize that it’s the middle of the night for them. It takes a lot more effort to get in just a phone call. It makes me appreciate so much how Kepa and I managed to talk every day while we were apart. So I’m trying to settle for random phone calls and lots of Facebook interaction. That’s enough, right?

I’ve been super emotional over the last week between being sick and homesick and being frustrated with life in New Zealand.

I cried after the lady at the post office embarrassed me and forced me to sign my debit card to use it.

I cried when I realized I wouldn’t get to help my mom move out of her house.

I cried when I realized I probably will never be able to afford trips home more than once a year or two.

I cried when I couldn’t get medium warm water to wash my face, only cold or hot.

I cried when I couldn’t find any of the things I wanted in the grocery store, because they don’t have them here.

I cried before I wrote this post because staring at my computer for an hour with no idea what to write can be terrifying and it’s just enough time to bring up the memories of all the previous things.

This week has brought on a lot of tears for me. It’s been hard and stressful on so many levels, and despite my desire to stay positive sometimes I just needed to cry. Once you get in a good cry you can move on and start feeling better about things.

In my past life, which now seems so long ago, instead of crying I would have eaten. I used to think crying was the worst possible thing that could happen and felt almost ashamed whenever I would cry. Instead of crying I would empty my mind by turning to food But I’ve embraced it and now I seem to cry easily instead of trying to muffle my emotions. And I might not be eating perfectly, but I’m not using food for anything other than food. I’m letting my emotions exist and be real instead of stuffing them with food. Because I’m a freaking crybaby now, not an emotional eater.

I’m A Crybaby, Not An Eater is a post from: A Merry Life! If you aren't reading it via RSS or on amerrylife.com it has been stolen!!