A Merry Life - The Pursuit of Healthy & Happy » Struggles

Back On Track

Mary — Tue, 08 May 2012 22:34:02 +0000

TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY PEOPLE.

Seriously. I feel pretty good about things.

What things? Let me tell you.

I’m back on track.

After finishing LiveFit then freaking out over my mom’s cancer then moving back to the USA I let myself completely derail from the healthy living thing. I wasn’t out there eating twinkies and chugging soda, but I wasn’t paying attention to my food and I wasn’t exercising much at all.

Frankly I felt awful last week because of it. A few weeks of that made me feel just AWFUL.

I can only go so far off track these days before my body screams at me to stop it and treat it better. Better food, more movement, more positive thinking. Those things are the important things to me and make me feel better. It’s important for me to feel good, to feel strong, to feel capable. So I’m shaking off the last few weeks and getting back on track.

That means:

Taking my lunch to work most days. (Started today!)
Going for a walk before/after work and during lunch. (Also did today!)
Tracking what I’m eating in some way. (Back to MyFitnessPal counting today!)
Forcing my thoughts to the positive. (Harder, but I’ve tried today to banish the downer vibes!)

It’s pretty damn annoying to go through this process so many times (and probably more annoying to read for those faithful reader who want to shake me sometimes). You know… I get to my healthiest point and then for whatever reason slide into less than healthy behaviors. Here’s to hoping one day this isn’t something I do anymore.

But for now I’ll deal with the reality of the situation. Taking it one day at a time. Small healthy behaviors lead to bigger changes, right?

Go team Merry Life. (Maybe we need to work on the team name, hehe. Suggestions welcome.)

All The Other Things

There’s a lot of stuff happening in my life right now that I’m not talking about and might not for a while.

Doesn’t matter though… I feel good about the things that are happening behind the scenes. Life is good.

Back On Track is a post from: A Merry Life! If you aren't reading it via RSS or on amerrylife.com it has been stolen!!

What I Need

Mary — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 05:14:58 +0000

I miss the gym.

In the last day I’ve wanted to do a couple things: hit stuff or lift heavy things.

Neither has happened even though those two things are the best way I know how to release tension and make myself feel better at the same time (violent much?). I’ve been trying to stay active without a gym membership doing things like walking and biking and stuff at home. But it’s just not the same when I need to clear my head thoroughly and get out the aggression and anger that has built up.

I’m not joining a gym when I go back to Memphis because I know I won’t have time. Committing to a bootcamp class that meets twice a week is going to be perfect and about as much as I can handle considering the other commitments I have.

But yes. Today, I really miss the gym. I can’t seem to find the thing I need outside of it. Maybe I wouldn’t find it there either, but an epic session in the gym followed by a long hot shower sounds nice.

All I know is I don’t want to crumple in on myself, for any reason. That happens to me sometimes when I’m faced with life changing or just depressing thing (or depression for no reason). There have been some warning signs that I’m on the brink of that happening this week. A binge with most of a pizza and 2 bowls of cereal. A lot of tears that can’t be stopped when my mind wanders. Anxiety crowding out my rational side to jump to worst case scenarios.

I’m not letting that happen. I’m going to be strong, for myself and others. I’m going to take care of myself. I’m going to blog here if I’m feeling down or overwhelmed. I’m a grown up and an awesome person and damn it I am worth taking care of!

So tonight I’m making a healthy dinner despite not wanting to cook anything. And I’m going to hang out with Kepa and watch something funny enough to make me laugh out loud. I’m going to give myself the things I need because I deserve them and denying myself doesn’t help anyone other than the twisted part of my brain.

Anyway, I’m just one day + one day of traveling away from seeing my mom and my very best friends. I’m counting down the seconds because I know once I see them all things will be better. Can’t wait!!!!!

What I Need is a post from: A Merry Life! If you aren't reading it via RSS or on amerrylife.com it has been stolen!!

To Weigh or Not To Weigh: Stepping Back on the Scale

Mary — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 01:44:21 +0000

Here’s some honesty for you: I’m stuck.

I want to step back on the scale and get back to weighing in regularly until I hit a healthier weight that starts with a 1 followed maybe a 6 or 7. I want to get back to actual weight loss now that I’ve got the time and ability to focus on my health completely.

But I’m not sure that is the best idea. At least not the scale part.

During my therapy for binge eating my therapist supported my avoidance of the scale before the wedding. I decided not to weigh in for a few months before the wedding after reading another blogger’s decision to do the same. In the end it was a smart idea because I didn’t worry about my weight at all during an already busy and stressful time in my life. I still ate well and exercised 5-7 times a week leading up to the wedding without knowing what my weight was. My therapist said weight didn’t matter because you either know you are doing the right things or you know you aren’t. I was doing all the right things so knowing my weight didn’t matter.

I was doing the right things without weighing in and those months in therapy and away from the scale helped me a lot in more fully conquering the binge eating I’ve struggled with on and off for years. Today I’ve been binge free for months. I haven’t been binge eating or abusing myself with food. My relationship with food is a lot healthier now and for that I’m grateful.

My therapist suggested in our last session that I should continue to stay off the scale. I should continue to not weigh myself because it wouldn’t help me accomplish my goals of being healthier.

I was fully prepared to do as she said. I don’t know what I weighed at my wedding. I don’t know what I weighed in the weeks after. But I noticed in the last week or two as I’ve been trying to get back into a fitness routine that without a wedding to prepare for I haven’t been very motivated. I’ve been feeling slumptastic because there is nothing to push me to work hard to lose more weight. Without any goals or motivation I’ve let the post wedding indulgent eating continue longer than it should have and not been exercising as much as I could have.

Sure losing and keeping off 40 pounds is great, but I could stand to lose another 40. I want to lose another 40. I do. But how do I motivate myself to do that now? My thoughts are to hop on the scale and start tracking allowing the number be a motivator. I could set goals like losing ten pounds by the end of the year and reward myself with things I want. This would most likely work but I’m having trouble committing to it because of my therapist’s recommendations not to use the scale.

Basically I’m stuck. With conflicting desires about where I want to go from here, I’m not sure what to do. I know weight isn’t the only indicator of health. Actually by all accounts I’m rather healthy (just ask my doctors!) and strong even at this weight. But I know I’d prefer to lose weight before eventually one day getting pregnant and starting a family so there are less risks involved. I’m just unsure of how to motivate myself right now to do something that will benefit me *one day* in the future, especially with the consideration of what my therapist mentioned and not using the scale.

To weigh or not to weigh? That’s what I’ trying to figure out now along with how to motivate myself to really get this thing finished after enough stalling and time passing without falling back into binge eating and other bad behaviors. I don’t have answers right now, but I’m hoping to soon.

To Weigh or Not To Weigh: Stepping Back on the Scale is a post from: A Merry Life! If you aren't reading it via RSS or on amerrylife.com it has been stolen!!

On Giving Up

Mary — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 22:17:36 +0000

The other night I almost gave up on this whole thing. After I ate pizza and felt horrible physically then saw the number on the scale go up I was ready to throw in the towel.

All I could think about was the fact that I’ve been on this journey for almost seven years. And I’m still not at my goal.

If that’s not enough to make you want to give up, nothing is.

I kept thinking, almost seven years and I still am not at my goal weight, I still haven’t achieved all my fitness goals, I’m still struggling to find the best way to eat, I still am not finished. Almost seven years and I’m still not finished. All I could think was that I’m tired of this.

I really, really wanted to give up. I wanted to stop thinking about it. I wanted to stop writing this blog. I wanted to abandon the quest and just fade into the background living a not-healthy less-than-awesome life where at least no one would care what I did.

It was the first time I’ve ever really thought about giving up for good. Clearly I didn’t let that part of me win since I’m here another day, checking in and following the path to healthiness. I didn’t let that happen because I thought about what I have done in the past several years.

In those years I’ve traveled the world, I’ve lost 40 lbs and maintained it easily, I’ve tried new sports and activities, I’ve completed a triathlon, I’ve learned to love and accept my body, I’ve kept living and kept striving for the best health possible. I’ve done a lot since I started. I’m in no way even close to the person I was when I started.

Being in the blogging weight loss world I’ve seen a lot of people give up. People come and go and sometimes show back up a few months or years later explaining how they gave up for a while. I don’t do that. I keep going and keep updating even if I’m just maintain my progress. I admit that sometimes I’ve been jealous of the people who just quit because staying but not finishing is a million times more embarrassing than if I was to just fade away. Yet I’ve created this little space on the internet that keeps me going, even if I feel like giving up.

Two days after all this inner turmoil I feel great. Seriously, I feel awesome. I’m not even sure what to attribute this awesome feeling to but I love it. Apparently the best days always come after the worst.

Have you ever felt like giving up losing weight or being healthy? What keeps you going?

On Giving Up is a post from: A Merry Life! If you aren't reading it via RSS or on amerrylife.com it has been stolen!!

Weigh In: Post Thanksgiving Struggle

Mary — Sat, 27 Nov 2010 23:16:34 +0000

Last year around this time I was doing my final assessment at Green Mountain. I was done with my staff participant position there and I ended my time at a weight of 222.5, losing 18.5 pounds in three months.

A year later and I haven’t gained any of the weight I lost back, but I haven’t made much progress on the weight loss front either. I’ve been stuck in roughly the same place for a very long time. I was hoping triathlon training would shake things up enough that I could jumpstart my weight loss again. That hasn’t happened yet but I believe it will as I continue to increase mileage and time spent training.

PICTURES & WEIGH IN:

A couple pictures from our trip this week thanks to Michelle. I promise I will eventually post my pictures too once I go through them. :)

Current Weight: 211.4 lbs
Previous Weight (2 weeks ago): 208 lbs
Weight Loss: +3.4 lbs
Weight Loss Total: – 39.6 lbs
Starting Weight: 251

That. Is. So. Depressing.

And also the reason why I didn’t do a video this week. I honestly thought I might cry.

WEEKLY GOAL CHECK UP:

Triathlong training: Missed a ton of workouts. My triathlon training was derailed in a major way. Between traveling, Thanksgiving, my own poor planning and judgment, and a kidney stone attack I missed several workouts. Up until this point things had been going really, really well. I’d been doing my workouts and progressing well. This week through me for a loop but I’ve decided to repeat it and complete all the workouts in full.

4 servings fruit/veg daily: Did okay with this on the days that I was home. Traveling less so, but I still got around 3 servings each day. Just not quite as much as other days. And Thanksgiving was full of fruits and veggies! Just overlook the fact that most of the veggies were cooked in ridiculous amounts of butter and it’s all good. ;)

Weekly accountability: Yep. I’m here. I’m blogging my weigh in even though I’d rather hide.

I’M STRUGGLING

Foodie McBody wrote a post about how she is struggling, and I found myself relating to it so much. I hadn’t realized how much I was struggling until I stepped on the scale this morning and it hit me. I’m struggling and getting nowhere fast.

I missed so many workouts I’m struggling to muster up the desire to start again. I know I need to go ride 12 miles on my bike but I’m having trouble getting back into the exercise mindset. I am completely thrown off in my training mentally.

Even though I’ve been proud of my body for what it can do in the last few weeks and even proud of how it’s looking, stepping on the scale this morning eliminated a lot of that. Usually weigh ins hardly affect how I feel (and I forget them quite soon after) but this one has hit me hard and has me stuck on feeling bad about the results and what I could have done better last week.

My body is falling apart. I had knee issues, then ankle issues, then kidney stone issues (owww) this week. I’ve had headaches, neckaches, all sorts of aches. I feel like my body is falling apart and it’s all my fault because I’m not taking better care of it and because I’m still obese, which causes these sorts of problems sometimes.

Sad because I’m back to being alone. The trip with Michelle and then Thanksgiving was awesome! But now I’m back to an empty house during the day and only sporadic calls home. I’m not looking forward to tomorrow when Kepa goes back to work and I’m stuck at home by myself with myself and food.

Food. I’m struggling with the food. Obviously food is why I’m up another three pounds this week. I ate too much on Thanksgiving and then ate the same foods for every meal since then despite knowing they aren’t healthy. It doesn’t matter than I can’t afford not to eat the food, it still isn’t the best thing for me. Food is probably 80% of why I’ve gained weight and overall not lost any more. I’m struggling with it.

I’m struggling with intuitive eating. I’m come to the conclusion that it just doesn’t work with me regarding weight loss. I’ve tried to hang on to using intuitive eating instead of calorie counting or WW or some other diet but I’m coming to the realization that it just doesn’t work for weight loss. Maintenance – yes. But I don’t want to maintain. I’m not sure yet what I’m going to do but I know that food/eating is my main problem with weight and I need to find something that works for me so I can lose the rest of this weight. Intuitive eating is just not it.

It’s slightly depressing to realize in a year I’ve only lost 11 pounds. Yes, I feel like a huge weight loss failure who should give up blogging immediately.

And that’s that, I suppose. No rainbows and kittens and lollipops from me today, but check back tomorrow. ;)

Weigh In: Post Thanksgiving Struggle is a post from: A Merry Life! If you aren't reading it via RSS or on amerrylife.com it has been stolen!!

A Sugar Binge

Mary — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 09:00:47 +0000

Last night we had what amounted to a sugar binge.

After we left a party we went to the store specifically to buy sugary thing. I fully knew I was buying it to binge on because more or less I’ve had the desire for a binge in the back of my head for a while. The desire has just been sitting there quietly in the back of my mind throwing thoughts at me, begging me to do what I used to do. All the stress and crappiness of late just strengthened that desire. So I went to the store and bought things with the intention of stuffing myself until I felt sick.

The bad news is I did exactly that: stuffed my face with sugar and fat until I felt sick and mad at myself for doing it.

The good news is that it wasn’t that bad: since it’s been so long since a binge or any real overeating I no longer am able to consume the same amounts of food. A sugar binge for me is now a lot smaller and therefore less damaging overall to my weight loss progress.

And what’s more? It wasn’t even about the food. For me binges never were about the food itself, even if the food was “enjoyable.”

Even though it wasn’t a huge binge, it still made me feel the same way. I felt excited at first, and then started feeling full, then started feeling sick, then started feeling bad for what I had done. It was the classic cycle that used to darken my days a lot more often in the past. It’s no secret that I’ve dealt with binge eating – it’s one of the reasons why I became obese. I thought I had pretty much kicked it to the curb, but it turns out it’s something that I’m still dealing with.

After the binge happened I was mad at myself. I wanted to be mad at myself. I could have placed the blame on some innocent bystander, but I knew I could have said no at any point in the process. I could have stopped myself. But that was probably the whole reason why I did it in the first place – to give myself a reason to be mad at myself. And afterwards I wanted to stay mad despite Kepa’s reminders that I should treat myself with more compassion.

So I felt mad at myself over the binge and I felt physically sick from the binge. So much sugar and fat at once literally made me feel physically sick (and it made me wonder how in the world I ever used to eat so much food before). Even though I knew that was going to be the result of the binge, when it finally came around I felt miserable. In the end I got what I thought I wanted, but I didn’t really want that. When I started feeling bad I realized I didn’t actually want to feel bad (because honestly, who wants to feel bad?).

Kepa and I decided to write something to ourselves/for ourselves after we ate so that we would feel good this week instead of dwelling on how the sugar binge happened and letting it ruin the week. We wrote:

Last weekend, we felt horrible after a sugar binge.

Next week we will feel excellent because we will have done these things:

No sugar.

No fast food.

Gym every day.

We will not diminish these successes.

We wrote it down and put it on the wall where we can see it. As a very visual person I need to be visually reminded of things like this. As someone who is still learning how to deal with emotions and stress in a healthy way, I need to be reminded of these things. So we’ve created a reminder. This post is a reminder to me as well that I don’t want to do that again and I want to do things that make my body feel and work better.

I’m over feeling bad about the binge the next day. I’m not going to sweep it under the carpet and pretend the sugar binge didn’t happen, because it did and I need to remember that and be prepared to stop it next time. But I’ve learned that hanging on to things like that in a negative way doesn’t hurt anyone but me. I don’t deserve that – I deserve to feel good. So I‘ve moved on today to doing the things that will make me feel good (mentally and physically). And hurray for that.

If you’ve struggled with binges before, how do you recover after? What things do you do to treat yourself better and feel better?

A Sugar Binge is a post from: A Merry Life! If you aren't reading it via RSS or on amerrylife.com it has been stolen!!

Food Is Easier, But Not Better

Mary — Thu, 20 May 2010 17:33:58 +0000

Today I was going through notes on my computer to clean up things and I found something I wrote down months and months ago about my emotional eating:

I eat to numb out. To zone out. To not feel what it is that makes me feel bad or sad or crazy. Food is easier, quite simply.

I’ve grown a lot since I wrote that and for the most part I’ve moved passed doing that blind emotional eating to smother what I’m feeling. But I haven’t completely eliminated that line of thinking and actions from my life yet.

The last couple days I found myself eating way more sweet snacks than I should. It’s not even that it’s more than I should eat, it’s more than I even wanted to eat. But they were available and thinking about food constantly gave me a break from thinking about the other stressful things. It might seem surprising, but life actually feels more stressful now than it did when I was in Tennessee. Funny how that works. Funny how easily I can slip into using food as something to zone out with instead of dealing with the emotions I’m feeling.

But like that phrase says, food is easier. It’s something to think about and obsess over and then consume that doesn’t hurt anyone else and doesn’t force me to be self aware. If I put all my focus on food I don’t have to acknowledge what is bothering me, right?

That line of thinking has some logic to it, but it also leads straight into compulsive thinking and obsession over food. I wish that obsession could be for broccoli or some other vegetable but it’s usually just for anything with enough sugar to mess with the chemicals in my brain. Food gives me something to focus on, zone out with, and feel good from.

Food is easier to deal with when I’m stressed out or otherwise emotional, but in the end the consequences (blood sugar spikes, weight gain, etc.) just make things more complicated. I know that but it’s easy to silence those concerns in the moment. After the fact, sometimes hours later or even days, I wise up to the fact that I should have just dealt with the situation and/or feelings instead of using food. But in the moment I sometimes just go straight for the food because I don’t want to feel bad or sad or crazy or stressed.

I struggle with this type of thing much less often than I used to, but it still is a problem occasionally and this week has reminded me of that fact. Stopping it from happening to be self aware and examine what I really need to be feeling is not always fun and sometimes I just let it go and go for the food. I hate it and wish I had never learned this particular coping mechanism. I wish it was something that was easily conquered. I have lots of wishes but not many solutions.

I’m still working through things and learning how to respect my body and treat it well. I love myself and want to treat myself well, but sometimes I forget what that means and like I did this week, I fall back on old habits. I’m continually striving to be better and completely break free from emotional eating and other crippling habits. That won’t stop.

Food Is Easier, But Not Better is a post from: A Merry Life! If you aren't reading it via RSS or on amerrylife.com it has been stolen!!