A Merry Life - The Pursuit of Healthy & Happy » Thoughts

PMDD, Depression, & Dealing With It

Mary — Mon, 21 May 2012 18:31:48 +0000

Lately I’ve been feeling down. Beyond down actually.

I haven’t felt this bad for years. For a couple days I thought I was falling into a major depression but now I think it’s actually just stronger PMDD symptoms than I normally deal with.

I’ve mentioned before that I have PMDD. I was diagnosed in high school and put on zoloft for a while because the depression symptoms that came with it were so bad it was hard for me to control my mind for half the month. I hate being drugged so I eventually figured out how to exist without drugs with the help of exercise, healthier eating, therapy, and just dealing with the stronger depression and anxiety that rolled around every month.

This time I haven’t done a great job with any of those things. For the last week or so I’ve been fighting the depression and anxiety and losing.

Since I haven’t exercised regularly in a month or so (has it been that long?) and haven’t been eating well, my symptoms are worse than I’ve dealt with since high school.

I’ve been overly anxious, depressed about everything, avoiding people I love (or picking fights with them), eating out of control (which only feeds both the anxiety and depression), tired all the time, unable to sleep or even to care about much at all.

In short, I’m a mess right now.

I know why this is happening since I’ve been diagnosed before and logically I can clearly see what is happening to me. But inside it’s hard to get to that type of meta thinking when my brain is working this way.

Sometimes it helps me to go back to the information on the internet to remind myself that I’ve got a real diagnosed problem and I’m not just crazy for feeling like I do. Five or more of the following symptoms must be present to diagnose PMDD, including one mood-related symptom, and here is what I’m dealing with now:

Disinterest in daily activities and relationships
Fatigue or low energy
Feeling of sadness or hopelessness, possible suicidal thoughts
Feelings of tension or anxiety
Feeling out of control
Food cravings or binge eating
Mood swings marked by periods of teariness
Panic attack
Persistent irritability or anger that affects other people
Physical symptoms, such as bloating, breast tenderness, headaches, and joint or muscle pain
Problems sleeping
Trouble concentrating

Um, crap, right? No wonder I’m a mess.

Other than anti-depressants which I’m trying to avoid, my options are a healthy lifestyle and therapy. I’ve done both and they usually help a lot. Normally the symptoms aren’t nearly this bad. Since I’ve been eating like crap lately and not exercising beyond a couple bike rides last week it’s pretty clear to see why I’m feeling the way I do. Exercise is my prescription but lately I haven’t been taking my medicine.

It scares me though, to be like this. After my half-sister Toni lost her battle with depression I always get really nervous when I notice these types of feelings and thoughts creeping up in myself. I loved her but I don’t really want to go out like that. At least I know in the back of my mind that with PMDD at least the symptoms will pass in a week or so and if I’m careful they won’t get this bad again.

Still, I get worried.

Right now blogging is part of my therapy. It’s reminding myself that this will go away and I get to bounce back to feeling what I consider normal and happy.

I just have to wait this out and remember it’s not permanent. Then I need to get back to doing what will make me feel better and have a better experience next month when my crazy hormones declare war on my body. Exercise, better food, and therapy it is. Wish me luck. ;)

This is a bit of a downer/vulnerable/scary post for me. It helps to get this kind of stuff out and work through what is happening so I can fix it and move on. No mean or negative comments will be tolerated, just a heads up. I appreciate all the supportive comments though and even just those of you who read. It means a lot so thanks!

PMDD, Depression, & Dealing With It is a post from: A Merry Life! If you aren't reading it via RSS or on amerrylife.com it has been stolen!!

Something More Permanent

Mary — Thu, 17 May 2012 21:44:55 +0000

Do you ever feel so busy that you can’t get a real grasp on anything? Things are slipping through the cracks?

That feels like me right now.

I feel like there is so much going on I just can’t keep up. Blogging is a pretty low priority for me so it’s been on the back burner for the most part. That’s a shame sense it’s actually a huge stress relief for me!

Things feel like they are going super fast and everything is in transition at the moment. From where I live to work to how I exercise… you get the point.

I’m used to this type of thing. I have segmented my life into 2, 3, or 6 month segments for years now. Three months living in Vermont, four months living in Austria, two months living in Oregon, five months in Tennessee, six months in New Zealand…. since I’ve started blogging I’ve bounced around every few months. I’m used to being more of a nomad than a permanent citizen anywhere.

I’ve felt temporary and in flux for so long. I know things always change and I’ve accepted that and flowed with it better than most people, but right now I’m not loving it.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s been fun. I’ve seen more of the world and had more awesome experiences than I ever dreamed I would. It’s been amazing, but I’m craving something more permanent. A city that I’m planning to stay in for a while. A place to stay for a few years instead of months. Roots. Family. Stability and permanency.

It’s something I’ve been craving for a while now. Getting married and thinking about starting our own family has made me want to have a place to call home. It’s made me want to have more than just what fits in suitcases for the next move.

Maybe it’s not surprising to you based on what I’ve been blogging lately, but I’m moving back to Memphis.

Yes, with Kepa. No, not right now. Yes, hopefully this year. Yes, I’m going back to New Zealand still.

This is more of a change in long term plans. I love my family and want to be closer to my mom since she has cancer and is getting up there in age (sorry Mom!). I love my job and want to work in my office instead of a room by myself. I love my city and want to be part of making it a better place with people who want to be here.

So Kepa and I made the decision together to choose Memphis over New Zealand at least for the foreseeable future. It will be a chance for us to actually start a regular type of married life and have a more permanent living situation together. You know, ‘cause I actually like living with my husband!

I’m still going back to New Zealand in July and will stay for a bit. I plan to go snowboarding and road trip the South Island and do a bunch of other things off my list before leaving again. It will be fun!

That’s the plan for now! But remember, like I mentioned, things are always changing.

Something More Permanent is a post from: A Merry Life! If you aren't reading it via RSS or on amerrylife.com it has been stolen!!

Life In The Office

Mary — Fri, 11 May 2012 15:15:19 +0000

This is me.

Today. And all week.

Being back in the office is fun but it’s a whole different lifestyle than living in New Zealand and working from home. There is definitely a lot more sitting. When I’m at home I’m usually standing to work a lot more than I do here since we are in an open office work environment and it’s just a bit weird.

I’m trying to stay healthy despite my increase amount of sitting.

I’m drinking more water. See that bottle in the photo? It’s big and I drink a couple of those a day.

We walk at lunch. It is awesome to have a couple coworkers who like getting out of the office for a short stroll.

I’ve brought my lunch multiple days! Saving money and being healthy all at the same time. Win.

I’ve also been crazy busy at work. That means doing the normal things like writing articles about social media and the more fun things like playing with our office dog.

That’s Sophie! She is the cute little furbaby of a coworker. She is spending the morning at the office and it’s so fun to watch her run around. She makes me miss JuJu even more!

Back to work for me now. I’ll be back at some point soon to share about the food truck rally that happened in Memphis yesterday at lunch. I love food trucks so the fact that Memphis has a food truck scene now makes me super happy. Post coming soon, I promise!

Do you work in an office? How do you stay healthy?

Life In The Office is a post from: A Merry Life! If you aren't reading it via RSS or on amerrylife.com it has been stolen!!

Back On Track

Mary — Tue, 08 May 2012 22:34:02 +0000

TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY PEOPLE.

Seriously. I feel pretty good about things.

What things? Let me tell you.

I’m back on track.

After finishing LiveFit then freaking out over my mom’s cancer then moving back to the USA I let myself completely derail from the healthy living thing. I wasn’t out there eating twinkies and chugging soda, but I wasn’t paying attention to my food and I wasn’t exercising much at all.

Frankly I felt awful last week because of it. A few weeks of that made me feel just AWFUL.

I can only go so far off track these days before my body screams at me to stop it and treat it better. Better food, more movement, more positive thinking. Those things are the important things to me and make me feel better. It’s important for me to feel good, to feel strong, to feel capable. So I’m shaking off the last few weeks and getting back on track.

That means:

Taking my lunch to work most days. (Started today!)

Going for a walk before/after work and during lunch. (Also did today!)

Tracking what I’m eating in some way. (Back to MyFitnessPal counting today!)

Forcing my thoughts to the positive. (Harder, but I’ve tried today to banish the downer vibes!)

It’s pretty damn annoying to go through this process so many times (and probably more annoying to read for those faithful reader who want to shake me sometimes). You know… I get to my healthiest point and then for whatever reason slide into less than healthy behaviors. Here’s to hoping one day this isn’t something I do anymore.

But for now I’ll deal with the reality of the situation. Taking it one day at a time. Small healthy behaviors lead to bigger changes, right?

Go team Merry Life. (Maybe we need to work on the team name, hehe. Suggestions welcome.)

-

All The Other Things

There’s a lot of stuff happening in my life right now that I’m not talking about and might not for a while.

Doesn’t matter though… I feel good about the things that are happening behind the scenes. Life is good.

Back On Track is a post from: A Merry Life! If you aren't reading it via RSS or on amerrylife.com it has been stolen!!

Awesome Weekend

Mary — Mon, 07 May 2012 02:41:33 +0000

My weekend started on Friday with Friday Funday!

Friday, after a morning meeting the entire office headed out for an early lunch out in East Memphis. We had a choice of where to eat between a deli and tacos. Of course, I chose tacos.

It was my first time eating at Swanky’s Taco Shop. I ordered crunchy chicken tacos.

They were nice but not the best tacos I’ve ever had. Maybe I should have eaten them slower. I couldn’t though because our office field trip continued… with a movie!

Yep, we went to see the new Avengers movie. Sometimes it’s nice working with a bunch of geeks. ;) I really enjoyed the movie – it was quite funny! After the movie half the office went home and the rest of us grabbed some Ben & Jerry’s ice cream before parting ways back at the office.

Saturday was a busy day for me. I hit up Walmart for some needed supplies like contact solution and then visited some thrift stores for new clothes.

I love thrift stores both for the price and the randomness of the selection. Sometimes I’ll go shopping and find nothing I like and sometimes I’ll leave things at the store I wish I could have bought. It just depends on how lucky I get. This particular shopping trip was extremely lucky because I finally found a maxi dress I liked!

It’s a bit long on me because I’m a shorty but I love it. It’s so vibrant and the colors are awesome. It’s not really anything special but after a long search for a dress I both liked and could afford I’m happy to have found it!

Sunday was spent doing absolutely nothing for the most part. I’ve been a lazy bum to be honest. The two productive things I’ve done were reading the Rebel Strength Guide because I’m thinking about actually doing one of Nerd Fitness’s guides all the way through and cooking some food for the rest of the week.

I’m trying to combat my new tendency to eat out every day (sometimes multiple times a day) since I’ve been here. Maybe having food ready and portioned out will help me make some better choices this week. My body needs a break from the sodium and calorie overload from eating out so much. We will see!

How was your weekend? Have a great week!

Awesome Weekend is a post from: A Merry Life! If you aren't reading it via RSS or on amerrylife.com it has been stolen!!

Good News Wednesday

Mary — Thu, 03 May 2012 01:21:06 +0000

I started today planning to do a What I Ate Wednesday post. Then I was going to do a Wordless Wednesday post. Instead I’m just going to share the pictures from today and then tell you the good news at the end. Feel free to scroll down immediately.

My day looks so much cooler through a bunch of overly processed photos. I see why people like Instagram so much. ;)

Good News!

So the good news of the day is that my mom’s appointment with her radiation oncologist went well! Since she caught the tumor early it’s only dime sized and she is a great candidate for a simpler surgery and faster radiation. Both of those are outpatient and she doesn’t need any chemo. Hurray!

Basically she got the best prognosis possible in this kind of situation which is a huge relief. Of course this is all dependent on the tumor actually being what they think and no deal breakers popping up, but it’s good news to hear. We were already both feeling pretty positive about the situation which seemed to shock the oncologist. He was super positive (which is good) but it felt like he was doing that to cheer up my mom who was already upbeat about things. It was funny. Anyway, everyone is encouraged and feeling good about the treatment situation which will begin at some point this month with surgery.

It’s still the beginning of this process but it looks like it won’t be as bad as it could be. There will be more doctor bills and the next two months won’t be super pleasant for my mom with the treatments but all things considered that is some great news to hear. Thank you all again for your support!

Good News Wednesday is a post from: A Merry Life! If you aren't reading it via RSS or on amerrylife.com it has been stolen!!

Thank Yous and Other Random Thoughts

Mary — Tue, 01 May 2012 21:20:53 +0000

So this post is going to be a bunch of random thoughts together. You are warned.

Thank You

Thank you all so much for the kind words and support for my mom. She is very important to me and I love her dearly so it’s nice to have the support from all you guys through this rough time. It’s kinda scary especially in the early stage where there isn’t a full diagnosis or treatment plan yet. Once we have more information it will be easier to deal with I think.

Thanks to everyone who offered well wishes and good thoughts and prayers. And for those of you who have been on this journey yourself or with a loved one and beat it? Thanks for telling me and sharing your story. It helps to know others who’ve already conquered this.

It really does mean a lot to have you guys in my corner (and my mom’s). I’ll stop now before I get all sappy about my love for you people.

New Dress

I’m wearing a cute dress today. It was my gift to myself when I got to the US this time. I don’t really buy clothes in NZ because they cost too much so I got this dress at Target for $18.

It’s perfect for work and super comfortable (I’ll take a better picture later). I love the stripes, and personally I think you can wear horizontal strips at any size. Whatevs!

Awesome Lunch

My boss mentioned he was headed to the Apple store and then to Deli Mexicana today. I didn’t need to go to the Apple store but I LOVE Deli Mexicana so a coworker and I headed out there to meet up for lunch.

I love the fish tacos there. LOVE. It’s one of my favorite things to eat in Memphis.

The $100 Startup

Just a heads up, but they are having another one of the Only 72 Hour Sales. It started yesterday but I figured I should still share since it’s going on for another 2 days. Basically these sales are a great chance to get some awesome business training courses at majorly discounted prices. This time you pay $100 for $1,000 worth of business training courses. Plus this time they are including the new book from Chris Guillebeau, The $100 Startup. He is a great writer and very inspiring just like the rest of the contributors. If you are interested in starting a small side business or a blog or in growing a blog then this package is a good idea. It’s nice to have a blog/business that brings in a little bit of income every month especially now when I need to help my mom out. Check out the $100 Startup sale now (disclosure: affiliate link because I usually buy the packages they offer).

Have a great day!

Thank Yous and Other Random Thoughts is a post from: A Merry Life! If you aren't reading it via RSS or on amerrylife.com it has been stolen!!