You never look as good on video as you do in photos.
At least that’s how I’m feeling today after making a very random vlog that is totally unrelated to this post topic.
(I’ve probably been inside too long. I’ve lost my marbles.)
Funny enough after I finished my vlog I started reading blogs in my reader. My friend Skinny Emmie had a post this week about how the had a little meltdown after seeing herself on video. She picked herself up afterwards and made a great exercise video that made her feel proud of herself again, but the thoughts about body image and video got stuck in my head because they were exactly what I was feeling.
Looking at myself in the video above makes me feel pretty down. It’s not just the fact that I’m not dressed up or didn’t have on any makeup… it’s just a general feeling of negativity toward myself and my weight and how I look.
In the past I generally feel pretty good about my body. I have clothes I like and could make myself feel pretty. But as soon as I see myself on video those feelings go away. Almost every single time I start to criticize my looks and my body and feed upon the negativity.
After reading Emmie’s post and the comments I realize I’m probably not the only one who does this. So at the very least I have solidarity with others in this.
I’m a bit unsure right now if I need to change my mindset (probably) or my body (probably). All I know is that I know longer feel complacent and comfortable. I feel… the same as I did at my highest weight. Gross, huge, like a failure. I guess two years of not losing weight and still being too large will do that to you? My efforts a shot of adrenanline to the heart right now because I just feel like something needs to change.
Writing this post honestly raised more questions for me than it answered. Funny how that happens sometimes.