Like I said on Facebook yesterday, “I’ve been battling and losing to both binge eating and self-hatred all day today. It’s surprising how I can be fine for a while and then all the sudden these things hit me HARD. I never want to talk about them either, but I’m doing so just to get it out there. Maybe that will help me move on tomorrow.”
Yesterday was a horrible day. I felt sick physically and mentally, my hormones were so far out of whack I couldn’t help but randomly start crying sometimes, and every problem I had felt unsolvable. Mostly all day I felt like a failure and a pathetic mess because of my life situation. Not being able to find a job of any kind has really taken me for a spin and made me feel so worthless that it’s spilled over into all other areas of my life now. I know the cards are stacked against me and I shouldn’t put my self-worth on the line for this, but I can’t help it. No one wants me and that makes me feel bad about myself.
So yesterday was the perfect storm inside and it led to terrible decisions. I ate crappy food all day and then I ended up binge eating later in the day. I kept eating even when I felt full and then had to stop when I finally felt sick. It was horrible and I hated doing it. I felt worse when I was doing it which I suppose was why I did it…I thought I deserved to feel that way.
I’ve until this point been doing really good. Eating the right amount of food within my calorie range and exercising every day. I’ve even been trying new things like salsa dancing and having a bit of fun with them. Then yesterday I watched all the work I’ve done over the last few weeks get wiped away with one day of horrible decisions. I can see why sometimes people want to give up at this point. I can see why they want to pack it in and give up on the dream of being healthy and just eat cookies all day. I can see that and feel that and to some extent would like that. But you know me… I won’t do that. I might undo all my progress but I’ll just try again. So today I’m eating my carrots and oatmeal and salads and starting with a clean slate.
I’m just frustrated. I thought I had gotten over that expat wall but it feels like nothing has changed. I thought I had moved past emotional eating and binge eating but it was right there happening when I thought it was over for good. Maybe it will be fine in a few days when my body resets and lets me feel like my normal self again. Maybe it won’t. I don’t know what the future holds anymore.