Like I said on Facebook yesterday, “I’ve been battling and losing to both binge eating and self-hatred all day today. It’s surprising how I can be fine for a while and then all the sudden these things hit me HARD. I never want to talk about them either, but I’m doing so just to get it out there. Maybe that will help me move on tomorrow.”
Yesterday was a horrible day. I felt sick physically and mentally, my hormones were so far out of whack I couldn’t help but randomly start crying sometimes, and every problem I had felt unsolvable. Mostly all day I felt like a failure and a pathetic mess because of my life situation. Not being able to find a job of any kind has really taken me for a spin and made me feel so worthless that it’s spilled over into all other areas of my life now. I know the cards are stacked against me and I shouldn’t put my self-worth on the line for this, but I can’t help it. No one wants me and that makes me feel bad about myself.
So yesterday was the perfect storm inside and it led to terrible decisions. I ate crappy food all day and then I ended up binge eating later in the day. I kept eating even when I felt full and then had to stop when I finally felt sick. It was horrible and I hated doing it. I felt worse when I was doing it which I suppose was why I did it…I thought I deserved to feel that way.
I’ve until this point been doing really good. Eating the right amount of food within my calorie range and exercising every day. I’ve even been trying new things like salsa dancing and having a bit of fun with them. Then yesterday I watched all the work I’ve done over the last few weeks get wiped away with one day of horrible decisions. I can see why sometimes people want to give up at this point. I can see why they want to pack it in and give up on the dream of being healthy and just eat cookies all day. I can see that and feel that and to some extent would like that. But you know me… I won’t do that. I might undo all my progress but I’ll just try again. So today I’m eating my carrots and oatmeal and salads and starting with a clean slate.
I’m just frustrated. I thought I had gotten over that expat wall but it feels like nothing has changed. I thought I had moved past emotional eating and binge eating but it was right there happening when I thought it was over for good. Maybe it will be fine in a few days when my body resets and lets me feel like my normal self again. Maybe it won’t. I don’t know what the future holds anymore.
Sending loads of hugs your way!!
I know what it’s like. I’ve been there, so many of us have been there. When I lose control, for whatever reason, and eat garbage all day or stand in my kitchen and binge eat everything I can get a hold of I feel like the lowest of low, like I have failed at everything I am trying to achieve. But now, now because of what I am learning about myself, I can step back and look at the bigger picture. I can think about all the times I have binged in my life. How, before this journey, I would lose control over and over, day after day, year after year. It was a cycle of failure, I failed over and over and over again. I failed until the day I decided to succeed, until the day I decided to make a change, until I decided I wouldn’t allow myself to fail.
I slip, I slip often, more often than I like, but they’re just slips. As long as you get back up and continue to move forward you can’t fail.
I don’t know what the future holds either, I just know that I get a say in my future and so do you.
**sorry, sometimes I just start typing and can’t shut up**
Mary, I wish I could hug you right now. I feel like throwing every cliche about picking yourself up at you but you know them already. Besides, you’ve obviously begun to do so. :) You are a smart and strong woman and will make it through. Love from the mountains xxoo
First off, let me thank you for such an honest and forthright post. Its easy to let a day like yesterday happen and not post it… its like cheating… like “getting away with it” but that’s not the case. Days like yesterday HAPPEN. They happen to you, to me, we all partake in the gluttonness days of bingeing for saddness, happiness, whatever our reasons are. Congrats to you for being honest with yourself (and the whole world via your blog).
“No one wants me and that makes me feel bad about myself.”
I know when you typed this you felt it. The frustration of the day, the frustration of finding a job, but I hope you realize that’s not the case. I’m sure you have family, friends, etc. who love you and want nothing but the best for you. THEY matter. (If anything the twitter/blogger universe is here for you – full support).
“I thought I deserved to feel that way”
Wow, this really spoke to me. It very much describes teh downward cycle of weight gain and binge eating, doesn’t it? Its like we think that we’re fat, so we’re supposed to WANT to eat bad foods, and therefore we’re supposed to feel HORRIBLE for indulging. … Take a second there and think abotu that. “Bad foods” “indulging” These words have such negative connotations. Such awful incennudos when combined with an overweight person. Immediatly if you’re overweight and eat a cookie it’s “Uh oh! She’s INDULGING!” As if thinner folks dont eat cookies. Indulging is indulging, bad foods don’t really exist. There’s healthIER food, but not BAD.
“all the work I’ve done over the last few weeks get wiped away with one day of horrible decisions.”
No no no no no no no. (I can’t type enough NOs) ONE DAY isn’t your life dear. ONE DAY doesn’t define you. IF I were judged for my enterity of life on ONE DAY, I’d be sent to hell immediatly. ;-) But, no, you are not judged on one day. And your body isn’t going to instantly gain back all the weight in one day. ONE DAY has not set you back.
It’s all about choices, and learning and growing expereience as you go through this lifestyle change. Yesterday, was a learning lesson. Remember it. Use it. Let it be something that you DONT regret, but instead use as fuel to fire your motivation to do better.
If i can help you in anyway, I hope that its to comfort you that it’ll be alright. You are a strong person. Don’t forget that.
(Also, don’t let long-winded people post comments on your blog :-P )
They do happen and you are right that not posting it feels like cheating (weird). So there it is.
Since I’ve done this before in my life I do know how it sets me back. And yes, one day can set me back a few pounds which in my case is a couple weeks. It’s not a case of gaining ALL the weight back but a few pounds will stick and that’s a few weeks of progress for me gone. An endless cycle of getting nowhere. ;) But thanks for the thought because you are right that one day doesn’t define a person (usually).
Thanks for the comment. Feel free to comment anytime with long or short comments. :)
“No one wants me and that makes me feel bad about myself.”
This line hit me… and I know you mean it regarding work… but for me it applies to all areas….its exactly how I feel about myself and I know just how horrible that feeling is. Pretty sure you will make it through though, you have already made a positive move with your oatmeal and salads!
I wish I had something more helpful to say, but I guess if I had the answers I would be doing ok myself.
take care x :)
Mary, I understand how you feel. I was in the same place very recently. Don’t feel that you’re starting over because of one slip. Nothing can take away the progress you’ve made over the past few weeks, it’s part of you now! What’s important is that you take some time to understand why it happened and get back on track, and it sounds like you’re doing both. I know you’ll come back stronger than ever!
Been there. Done that. Join the club, kiddo, we’ve got jackets. (and you know, despite using that quote all the time, I’ve never actually owned a team/club/sport ANYTHING… no jacket for me!)
My head says shit to me like this all the time… I often wonder if there is anyone in the world who doesn’t have a bully living in their brain, their own worst critic, the one who knows that if anyone ever actually knew the *real* you, the one you hide behind the pleasant exterior face, that no one would ever want you, no one would ever want to be with you, or even in the SAME room, I mean, how COULD they… you’re so flawed, so revolting, so pathetically needy and annoying and just… ug. Horrible.
Living with that. All the time.
Every. Day.
God, no wonder we’re freaking messed up, you know? People who live in marriages like that get battered women syndrome, but it’s not like you can DIVORCE your head and move out.
This is such a great comment Lynn and I really appreciate it. And funny enough all I can think after reading it is: we should make jackets. LOL
Nothing I can say can really make you feel better. The only thing I CAN say is that today is a new day and FORGET about yesterday’s mistake. We all have them.
It’s really hard when you’re in a country without friends or family for support but you have the blog and you reached out for help! THat’s a positive!!
Hugs!
Funny thing, this seems to be my problem at the moment as well. I have the same feelings as you do. The important thing is to NOT GIVE UP. We can do this girl :)
I just blogged about my battle with binging, the scale and unhealthy behavior. I can’t offer any advice as I do it too. Blogging about it and getting it out there really seems to help me though.
When I was in my 20’s I would beat myself up terribly after a binge/bad day. I am now 43 and continue to have them every now & then and can say that I move on quickly after them. I hardly feel bad about them anymore. I’ve finally accepted that worrying and mulling it over and over will do nothing to what happened yesterday. Sometimes I think I deserve days like that and I think they happen for a reason and that may be why I just say f***-it and rapidly move on.
Sorry you had a bad day. Thanks for the honesty though. I’m sure we’ve all been there SO many times before (I know I have) but like Tina says, sometimes you reach the point where you say F it and just move on. Horrible days happen but better days are ahead. There ARE do overs in life, so don’t let this take away from all of the amazing things you’ve already accomplished. :)
You know what? It’s ALL progress…despite the fact that it doesn’t feel like it. <3 you Mary!
Hormones suck.
And, one messy day doesn’t negate the hard work you have done, nor does it negate the fact that you are, by the way, A TRIATHLETE!!
Hormones do suck. It sucks that I can’t always control them and that the imbalances sometimes overwhelm me and my thoughts in a way that I just can’t control. I understand the science behind it yet every time I can’t control it. Bummer!
I am a triathlete! Thanks for the reminder!
I’m with Karen. It IS all part of the process. I used to totally freak out when things cropped up that I thought I’d dealt with. I’d feel like a failure all over again. Eventually I realized that this is always going to be a process where every now and again I will slip back a bit. But where it used to be two steps forward and one step back, it’s now progressed to three steps forward and one step back and even sometimes four steps forward and one step back. Who knows where it will end?
In my eyes you are an amazing, mature and “together” young woman. And that takes into account your weaknesses too. We all have them and always will. But they don’t define us.
Mary:
Thanks for sharing this with us. This is going to sound super weird, but it’s sort of nice to read about someone struggling for once because it’s so honest. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not glad you had a bad binge day, but I’m glad to see I’m not the only one that’s human and has those days where you just eat eat eat even though you feel terrible about it. You’re not alone and obviously you have a lot of cheerleaders out there, including me! :)
Hugs,
Craig
I understand what you mean. We are all human. I did exactly that and I’ve done it before and other people have too. It’s just something that feels inherently shameful, ya know? So no one likes to talk about it.
Thanks Craig.
I’m sorry Mary you had such a bad day yesterday. I really know what your going through with your body. I think everyone reading your blog is here because we all know and understand.
The key is to know you CAN get out of the plateau your in, but your going to have to make a change mentally and a change to your eating plan. Everyone has to do what’s best for them, but go back to basics. Measuring and counting calories to see how much you are eating. I’ve done that for so long its like second nature.
Hang tough!
I totally understand where you are coming from, as I just went through something similar, but in the other direction (restricting). one day will not break us. as long as we know that we can wake up the next day, hell, sit down at the next meal and do what is best for us, that’s what makes us stronger and gets us through the hard times.
hugs girl. better day today!
I hear you dear! I am the exact same spot as you…in a different country :P Gosh, I am strugglin too..after a long gap…feeling so out of place with my whole gym/portion control routine….just difficult to get motivate my ass to get off the couch….
Eck…I just hope that you feel better soon and pick yourself up :)
PS: you will most definitely be a utterly stunning bride :D !
God bless!
:( Sorry you had a bad day. It’s a lifelong struggle, but as I like to say, you have a lifetime to perfect it. Go have a good workout, that cures most ills for me.
:( Sorry you had a bad day. It’s a lifelong struggle, but ya know, you have a lifetime to perfect it. Go have a good workout, that cures most ills for me.
This was an awesome post. I think one of the hardest things to hurdle is emotional eating. We find comfort in what hurts us the most. It doesn’t make sense. How does one over come it? I’ve yet to find a away. I found a site a while back for hypno and i had gotten one for self esteem – it totally rocked to the point i spoke my mind TOO much. hurtful probably but i felt good about myself lol then i found another one on there for sciatica never had it again after that.. found one for dieting motivation..this seems to keep my psych’d but WHY i did i not get one for emotional issues?? i dont know maybe im afraid to let go of that UGH. hey ill try anything once, twice if i like it. if anyone has any suggestions im totally open!