Do you ever think about death?

It’s something I’ve thought about more lately yet wish I didn’t. It’s something I wish I could ignore, but it’s something that we all have to face one day. Death and taxes, right?

I’ve always been scared of death. When I was very little I would wake up in a panic or be unable to fall asleep because the concept scared me so much. Even my belief in God and my mom’s calming words couldn’t calm the anxiety that bubbled up whenever I thought about dying. It scared me to my core before I even knew what death really was.

Since then I’ve encountered death more often in my life. I saw my grandmother take her last breaths as Alzheimer’s won. I watched as doctors took my half-sister off life support and she passed away quietly. I’ve seen people go and I’ve been to more funerals than I’d like to think about.

In the last year thoughts about death have shaken me more often. I’ve seen my mom fight a potentially deadly disease (she’s fine though, yay!). I’ve talked with someone on Twitter who died before they could answer my last question. I’ve been plagued by stories of death in the news and on TV (though I try to avoid this). I’ve pondered what would happen to my online life after I’ve seen online friends meet their end.

I’ve gone to sleep with the same anxiety and fear that I felt as a small child. In the dark before I fall asleep, the fear of death creeps up as I think of the end to this life I know.

I like to think I know what comes after death. I like to think that the beliefs instilled in me are true and death is not the end. But do I know for sure? Does anyone? No. And that is why it’s scary.

Generally these thoughts repeat themselves every so often. It freaks me out at first but then gives me a chance to examine my life. I like to take a minute to look at what I’m doing. I ask myself if I’m living my best life possible. Doing the best I can. Living the best I can. Doing it for myself and the ones I’ve lost too. 

Am I living my best life? Am I doing the best I can by stressing over buying clothes for work and conference tickets? Am I living my best life with the work I am doing? Am I helping other people enough? Am I making a difference with my actions, time, and money? Am I living my best life possible? Sadly sometimes the answers to these questions aren’t positive.

Perhaps my fears and questions are not normal thoughts. Or perhaps they hit us all at one point or another. I don’t know. These aren’t topics that come up in conversation very often. I’ve learned not many people like to think about dying, even if they are not afraid of it happening. 

All I know i life is so short. It always ends when you are in the middle of it. Though that scares me, I really want to do my best with the life I am blessed with.