From my journal, Feb 11, 2007:
I was looking at the pictures of senior year and I realized that not only have I changed in a mental and spiritual way, but I have physically changed so much that I barely recognize myself in pictures from high school. I remember going through school and what I wore and thought I looked is nowhere near what I actually looked like. What a strange feeling it is to look at a photo and not even recognize yourself.
Sometimes I still don’t recognize myself. Sometime I see a picture and don’t realize it is me, especially from high school when I was big and had no idea what I really looked like.
I’m on the right. High school graduation, May 2004. Weight: 255 (?)
Junior year of college in Salzburg, Austria, before folk dancing, April 2007. Weight: 200
Current: August 2009. Weight 235.
I think I have a pretty good grasp on what I look like and what size I am now. But sometimes I catch myself looking at old photos wondering is that me?
Does this ever happen to you? Is the image of you in your head the same as the one that you see in the mirror and in pictures? Or has weight gain or weight loss changed that image so it is hard to recognize?
I think of myself as my skinnier, young high school me. I don’t have a full length mirror in my house (maybe I should) sometimes when I see my reflection in a mirror at a store or in the mall sometimes I am shocked at what I see. I’m not sure why it shocks me, I know I weight 290lbs, but I still think of myself as my 18 year old 180lb self…
Yes, when I see recent pictures of myself, I’m shocked. I know I’ve gained weight, but I think I still see myself as thinner. I feel like I’m seeing a picture of my aunt or something. Then again, I thought I was fat in high school, and when I see pics now from that time, I was actually very thin. I think it’s just so hard to have a clear perspective of ourselves in the present moment.
It’s so funny that you wrote about this because I’ve recently experienced this myself: I was watching a video of myself doing kung fu that a friend taped at a tournament last year. The entire time it didn’t feel like me on the screen! Between my shorter hair on the screen (it has since grown quite a bit) and my smaller self (smaller from the start – I’m about the same size now as in the video), I just couldn’t get my mental image of myself to mesh with the one on the screen. Very strange.
This summer has been great for me. I’ve been able to lose 40 lbs since the beginning of May. I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes in May and I changed everything about my life. I started by walking/hiking everyday. I reached the point where I now hike 5 miles a day in about an hour and forty minutes.
My inner picture and my actual picture will never match up. I don’t think that’s a bad thing either. I recently looked at a picture of myself that was taken in February and I didn’t recognize myself.
By the way Mary, you look great in your recent pics. I’d imagine you probably weighed more than 255 in high school. Keep up the good work.
@Jim and Janet
Both of you still think of yourselves as the thinner version. Is that inability to adapt to seeing the bigger version of yourself the reason weight gain sometimes gets out of control? Like, it’s not even your fault because you honestly just don’t notice? It’s hard when the reality and the image in the head don’t match up.
@Alex
Congrats on your weight loss!
It is entirely possible that I weighed more in high school, especially toward the end. I actually have no idea where I got the 255 number. But then again I am super short so 255 is super big for me. And now a lot of me is muscle. Promise. Haha.
how i see myself is… confusing. at my highest weight, i avoided really looking at myself and even then only saw how big i was when i saw myself in comparison to others… like sitting next to someone and realizing my legs were twice as big as theirs. and in some ways, after losing weight, i’m still the same way. it’s challenging to see myself at this new weight, but also exciting to figure it out.
I have trouble seeing myself as me… I look at pictures of myself and I can see the difference (I’ve lost 85 pounds in the last 2 years) but I still look in the mirror and see the same old fat self. Sometimes I feel like all I’ve become is a smaller version of a fat girl.
It’s totally weird, because at 85 pounds down (and maintaining my weight at ~134lbs) you’d think I’d feel at least thinnER, even if I can’t quite see “thin”. (I don’t feel thin, I don’t look thin. I look fat!) But, I don’t.
It’s tricky.
I’m trying really hard to maintain my weight, and there’s this part of me that keeps saying “ten or twenty more pounds won’t hurt anything… go on, you could lose more. You can be better. you gave UP.”
Gah!
Sorry, didn’t mean to hijack your comments. Just feeling… well, fat. Again.
I know that I don’t recognize my old self, but from a mental and emotional standpoint. When I was in my twenties and teens I was a really messed up person. I had no belief in myself and was pretty miserable. So when I read things I wrote then, I am in disbelief of what I am reading.
The way I see myself in the mirror and the way I see myself in my mind are two different things completely. It’s all very strange.
I always see myself as the bigger version of me. Even when I was at my thinnest, I still thought I needed to lose some weight. Now I look at those pictures and can’t even imagine being that small again. The mind plays some cruel tricks on us, doesn’t it?
@Lynn C
Lynn you have done such an amazing job! That little fat voice in your head needs to quiet down! You definitely don’t look fat. I hope your mind catches up to your progress.
@Irene
While that sucks it is great to note how far you’ve come and grown!
@workoutmommy
Cruel, cruel tricks. Perception is everything and yet it seems to be the one thing we can’t get a hold of sometimes.
i like photo documentation of myself, sometimes i look back at the bad photos and am like WOW is that me? and then other times i look back at the good ones, when i am not where i should be, and say WOW i can be that, ive been there before i can do it again! a picture is definitely worth a thousand words.. a.k.a. a whole slew of motivation.
I look in the mirror and no matter whether I weigh 240 or 214 I still see 280 pounds. Which makes it very hard to think losing weight is “worth it.” I think, “I’ve lost all that weight and I look THE SAME??” Of course, I don’t, really. I know because of comments people elave on my progress pictures. But I also have to keep telling myself this is not about looks alone. It’s about mobility and quality of life.
This is an interesting thought. There are pictures that I used to hate now when I see them I think wow what was my problem I looked pretty good. Then there are the ones I cannot look at twice, usually a side view.
The thing I have noticed with pictures is that if you are HAPPY at the time even if your weigh more than you want to, the picture looks good to you. For me it is about how I felt when the picture was taken more than the actual picture itself.
It’s hard sometimes to really get a grasp on what you look like when you are constantly dropping/gaining weight. I know I look a lot better now than I did before, but sometimes I do catch myself thinking, wow- you don’t look that fat anymore.
I know it’s kinda trite now but I frequently used to do the butcher paper test with new clients.
have them sketch how they saw themselves and then Id trace them.
the results were always (95%?) shocking in how much bigger my women thought they were.
I guess I never thought I had an image issue, but now that I look back at some of my old photos I stop and ask myself, “were you really that big?”
I think my image problem is what allowed me to get as big as I did.
I always felt the SAME in my head. No matter how big I got, I felt exactly the same inside. Sure, I didn’t feel GREAT inside, but I felt the same crappy weight, no matter if I weighed 250 or 300 lbs. Not being able to feel different inside as I gained weight allowed me to get bigger than I ever thought I could.
As to pictures, they’re always bad, but video is way worse.
@Miz
That reminds me of a show I watched (don’t remember what the show was) where they had a lineup of women who were different sizes and the woman on the show had to choose the woman that was the exact same size/measurements as her. They never chose right! Always, always, always they chose a woman bigger than themselves. Its funny that even if we still think of ourselves as a smaller version of ourselves in our head when it comes down to it we have no idea what size we are really.
Hi, my name is Rachel and I am a recovering Fatorexic. I was not ‘aware’ of how BIG I really was until I saw a photo of myself (on Facebook!) that a new friend had taken. I didn’t recognize myself. And I was mortified. I sat at my desk and cried my eyes out for an hour. I cried because of my weight, but I also cried because I didn’t understand how I could look like that and NOT REALIZE IT.
I still don’t understand it, but I am too busy trying to change it to worry about it. ;)
I know what you mean. Sometimes, I look in the mirror and like what I see, but see a photograph of myself from that same day and cringe.
Either way, you carry your weight well! Keep up the hard work. Sometimes those goals seem so out of reach, but I know it must be attainable!
I often don’t recognize myself. And get confused. Body image distortion is alarmingly present for most people, I think.
Wedding photos are what get me thinking. I lost a lot weight before the big day and I looked great (Tuxedo Model great ha ha, so modest :) ) I have them posted all over the house and at time I barely recognize myself. Jawline gone, cheeks exploded out.
I used to love getting pictures taken, now I’m the guy with my hand over my face.
I think you look great and you have a very infectious smile.
Steve
In 2007 during your Junior year of college you are looking very nice and fit but in 2009 you are totally changed.
It’s strange, when I look at old photos, it’s not my weight that troubles me, but how SAD I look. I’m either sad, or angry, or just full of hatred for other people, for myself, for life in general.
I look at photos now and don’t notice the weight any more, I just see someone who’s having a good time – that’s way more progress than any number on a scale, IMO.
@Jill R
I actually have those days a lot. I like the mirror version of myself but a picture from that day kind of makes me cringe. I find it super strange when the version of me I’m LOOKING at and the version of me on film don’t match, or at least not in my head.
@Sagan
I had no idea how prevalent Body image distortion was. For a long time I honestly thought it was just me but I’m realizing that it is most people, regardless of size.
@Marshmallow
That makes me so happy to hear. :) That is more progress than you could ever hope to get from a scale.
Yes! That has happened to me. I can be there thinking im all cute and years later…ekk! I saw a photo of me leaving my parents house to move to college when I was 17..i remember thinking how cute I was. LOL I look so funny and who ever wore such clothes except a girl from NH with no fashion sense? And that haircut! The same thing has happened over and over. I can look back at old photos and think wow what was I thinking, but then a couple yrs later, look back to THAT time and think the same thing. It could be an outfit, a hairstyle, my drunken state in the photo, or my lack of tonedness. It could even be my choice of friends with me in the photo, or just ‘wow I was so young!’. Ive been trying to scan in old photos lately so they don’t get ruined, so this is very pertinent to me right now. Ps cute folk dance costume! College in austria sounds awesome!
have made my way here from “when i look into the mirror” and, i must say, I agree with everyone. i started losing weight in the middle of march of this year, and i had thought that i was just chubby. like, not obese. I thought I carried my weight well.
Pah! -26lbs later, I can tell you that I’m still not chubby! When I look at old pictures of myself (before weight gain) at 132-135lbs, I want to smack myself for thinking that I’m fat. We will never be happy with how we look. I hope, I can get there one day.