In all the lists my blog manages to make it on they all point out that “the author” is “down from 255 pounds.” That is true, but today it is very close to not being true. In the last couple of weeks my weight has crept up from the low 240s to 250. I am within 5 pounds of my highest weight ever. O. M. G.
I knew I was gaining, thanks to sharing the eating habits of others and slacking off with exercise. But I didn’t know I could so easily shoot right back up to where I was before. But I can. That easy, just like Oprah.
What I now realize is that with my body being a healthy weight and having a healthy relationship with food will take a major amount of time and work and will last the rest of my life. There will never be a place where I can allow myself to slack off and be normal. Because I am not normal. My body doesn’t react to food the same way my friends’ bodies do. They can eat McDonalds every day and not gain a pound. One fry sticks with me forever.
It does seem a little unfair that I have to be so conscious and work so much harder just to be healthy. But maybe if I had never got to this place to begin with that wouldn’t be so. Or if I had realized it sooner.
You see, I have a problem with eating like other people. It began as a child when I ate the same way my brothers did. We always ate the same things and the same amounts of food. My mom never differentiated between us. However, I was different. I was the only girl and a completely different build than my tall, lanky brothers (although as a child that’s hard to notice). I ate and played and started gaining weight while they ate and played and stayed skinny.
This continued into high school where it worsened. Ever seen how much a teenage boy eats? Yikes. I didn’t eat quite as much as they did but I definitely came close to the amount and frequency of feedings. It was normal to eat an after school snack, dinner, and late night snack with them. Maybe if what we ate had been healthy that would have been okay, but we usually ate the least healthy things possible.
And during high school I quit playing tennis and softball but I kept eating like my brothers who all continued to play baseball each year. The one closest to my age even ran cross country and track for a season or two. I stopped exercising but kept eating like they did. Mistake. The weight piled on and on and on.
That kept going until I moved out for college where I finally lost weight and started getting healthy. For some reason I always managed to eat healthy and live with people that encouraged/did the same. When they ate healthy and less I ate healthy and less. It was a hard change at first since I was so used to eating like my crazy brothers, but I did it and stuck with it all the way until I graduated and once again moved home.
When I moved back home I struggled with both depression and the problem of eating like my little brother. He is 18 and one of the last ones at home. It is ridiculous how much he eats and what he eats. When I first moved back home to save money I resisted the draw to eat like him. He eats fast food and sweets for almost every meal. I don’t do this but over time I have slipped up and started eating more like him… and surprise, surprise, the weight has come back once again. All the hard work of the 4 years away was undone in 1 being back at home.
I clearly have a problem with imitating how others eat. I don’t think I was even aware of this until I spent a week with another friend and realized I ate whatever she did and the same amounts. Sure its polite since I was a guest in her home, but I don’t have to do that. I could have brought my own food, cooked for her, etc.
I have the personality of a follower. You know how some people are born leaders? I’m not. I’m a born follower. I’m okay with this fact about myself except where it leads me to destruction as it has with eating habits. So I’m going to try to break my own mold and stop following those around me. I’m going to make my own way for once. I will no longer eat something just because someone else is eating it.
Hey Mary,
I understand how you feel when you are around other people who seem to be able to eat whatever the hell they want and not gain weight. Situational eating is always problematic, and resisting food when everyone else is eating it is always hard to overcome. I’m very fortunate to be in an environment where I don’t really have to worry all too much about what food I am around, except on weekends…
With that being said, I think it is important that you make it a top priority of yours to move out of your home and live somewhere where you aren’t put in situations where food becomes problematic. Obviously there are financial burdens that come with this but when you have the money, this is where I would spent it if I were you.
Good luck.
Tony’s last blog post..The Judgmental Bastard
Yeah, I hate how unfair it is that my husband can eat 6 doughnuts and 1/8th of a sheet cake and still lose weight… it’s not fair.
But then again, it’s also not fair that my daughter can never eat peanuts without risking death. It’s not fair that her best friend has Type I Diabetes.
We just have to accept that life isn’t fair, that there will be things we always have to be on top of, and that there are things that will be different for us than for other people, and make the best choices possible within our own limits and abilities.
And keep in mind that your brothers’ metabolisms may well slow down; I know my ex-boyfriend hasn’t changed his eating habits at all, but he’s now 35 and quite a bit overweight. Not that your brother is likely to listen to you, but it can happen to them, too… just might take longer. Womens bodies are designed to store fat better than mens. Another thing that is true, annoying, and just something we have to deal with.
Hope you get moved out on your own soon!
Lynn C’s last blog post..Slip Sliding
Wow this is powerful. I’m really short, so I relate to the imitation eating… I have a lot of very tall friends who obviously need to eat much more to keep themselves fueled than I do, so sometimes I have a hard time reigning myself in and not eating at their pace.
But its also not necessarily true that your friends can eat whatever they want and not gain. That kind of lifestyle catches up on us pretty quick- or they’re gaining but it isn’t too noticeable yet- or maybe they exercise loads- or maybe they didn’t eat much that day except for the junk. That’s the problem, there’s so many contributing factors when it comes to food and weight and healthiness!
Sagan’s last blog post..Review and Giveaway: “The Healthiest Kid in the Neighborhood” and Sinupret for Kids
I guess we should find more friends that eat healthy and exercise reguarly.
It’s so hard to stay away from the food everyone else gets to eat with abandon.
Oh, the peer pressure …
MB’s last blog post..News Flash
Dont really have a comment right now…too many thoughts…but did want to say how surprised I was that you said you have a personality of a follower.
Not at all that its a ‘bad thing’ but that when I read your posts they read so strong. clear. LEADER’y to my eyes.
all made me wonder if you underestimate yourself?
MizFit’s last blog post..Meditation MizFit Style.
Oh, I understand this. When my husband and I got married 5 years ago, I weighed what I do now (about 190). I went along with his eating and ended up last year at 263!
You can be leaderish in some ways, and followerish in others. My world is full of grey areas :)
SeaShore’s last blog post..Ramblings