I cried today.
In a class on managing stress in relationships we did an activity where we had to list the 10 people we spend the most time with and whether they were draining or energizing. On my list most of the people were energizing, but those were the people that I didn’t see as often. The people that I saw the most were draining.
Draining People
I mentioned that those draining people were mostly family members. I love my family to death, I really do, but they mostly have a draining effect on me. And my small group asked me more questions which led me to explain my family situation and how my parents divorced messily and how I tend to be the one that listens to the worries and stresses. I also explained how for the majority of my life I’ve been the family punching bag (not literally).
We all tease each other and fight, but there are periods of my life where I’ve taken verbal abuse from family members that no one should ever have to deal with. My brother, who I now love and adore, made my life hell when I was in middle school. He ruined any shred of happiness with his constant teasing and mean comments. Fortunately he grew out of it in high school and I know he did it because he recieved that and worse at school, but he started a pattern in my life where I turned to food for comfort. I was living in a new town with no friends yet and I would come home every day just to be tortured by his words. Food was easy, it was there, it made things feel better. That started it, but it only lasted 2 or 3 years.
Eventually my brother grew out of that and we became good friends. But there was always someone else willing to step into that role after he dropped it. My father and another brother did their best to cut me down through high school. I remember high school as a pretty happy time when I look back even though I struggled with depression then. After my first year I made friends and started getting involved and enjoyed life even though I was obese and still plagued with crap at home. Though none of my friends or kids at school ever teased me, most days I went home to be teased about being fat, never having a boyfriend, being ugly, etc. It sucked. My dad was also always there as a constant negative. He had a terrible temper and cursed at me a lot but the worst thing he ever did was spit in my face. Mostly, the words did the job to cut me down to the ground.
When we were talking in class Mimi, the instructor, said, “Negativity will always bring us down, whether we create it or others do.” How true that is. I was always under a cloud of negativity when I lived at home because the people around me were so negative. Even this last year of living at home with my little brother Charles was a terrible experience because he was so negative (which luckily he seems to be coming out of!). When you are around negative people it makes you want to be negative too, no matter how much you would rather not.
How to deal with draining people
In the class we talked about how to deal with these negative, draining people. Basically you have two options.
1. Talk to them about what they do that is negative or drains you so they can change.
2. Cut them out of your life.
Harder said than done, but I’ve done both. For example, with my dad I tried to build a relationship with him after he left my family but he was constantly negative about my mom, about us kids, about everything. He complained, he focused on himself, he never cared to be nurturing to me but expected me to care about him. I tried and tried, even going to therapy with him once, but it never changed. I asked him to talk about other things or try to leave my mom and the bad things out of the conversation. It never worked so I had to cut him out of my life. I no longer talk to him or want to talk to him.
Sometimes the decision to cut someone out is hard. Sometimes it is impossible. But sometimes it is the right thing to do. Negative people will always drain you and sometimes you just have to find distance from that or cut them out entirely. It’s good to take stock of the people you surround yourself with. Ask do they drain you? Do they energize you? I want to be happy and live with positivity, not be drained and negative. I want to surround myself with positive energizing people, so I try to do that with my friends. Do you?
Talking about all of that in class made me cry. These aren’t new issues for me. I’ve dealt with them for several year and have resolved them even before coming here. But you can only discuss past painful things with so much detachment. Today just explaining the past things in my life made me cry. I have a reputation of being a happy-go-lucky girl because I am in fact happy the majority of the time. People always say they love my attitude or my perspective or my happy nature. I appreciate that so much, but it hasn’t always been this way. I’ve suffered through a lot of bad experiences to cultivate this outlook on life. Each pain and struggle I went through hurt, and sometimes still hurts, but I would never wish it away because it has made me the person that I am. And I really, really like who I am.
Alright, therapy is over kids. Now for the good stuff.
Meals & Moves
Meals:
Not pictured: veggie sausage, slice of wheat bread, pancake with maple syrup at breakfast (started eating before I could take a picture) and sugar plum parfait for dessert at dinner (technical difficulties)
Moves:
70 minutes hiking, roughly 2 miles (1 mile uphill)
1 hour lower body conditioning class
1 mile walked outside on track
Firsts:
First time hiking in Vermont!! The hike was great! I can’t wait to do more!
Sounds like you had a break-through! Although it was tough, I think it’ll be only good for you!! You did an amazing job of dealing with your feelings! ((hugs))
Your eats look wonderful, and WOW on the exercise!! Good stuff!! Keep it up! :)
Well, you knew it wouldn’t be easy, but it does have to be dealt with. I just wish it didn’t have to hurt so much it makes you cry. Good for you for seeing it as a growth experience and turning it into a positive force for your future!
And please don’t mention hiking in Vermont ever again to those of us stuck in the suburbs of Memphis. :)
Family can be a total downer. They think they can get away with being so critical of you just cause they are “family”, but it’s crazy talk to think that it’s ever ok to verbally abuse someone, family or not.
ah, and there it is…what was and is underneath. Are you still playing some o f those negative tapes when you fail, or things don’t go well. I am really having to listen to my inner voice and correct it. Glad you got to talk some of that out.
awesome.
Chris
@Carla
There wasn’t so much of a break through as I’ve already dealt with and discussed all of this before many times. I’ve dealt with it and moved on but it was interesting to see how I’ve distanced myself from the negative and try to surround myself with energizing people.
@Cammy
Oh, I’ve talked and cried about these issues to people many times. Doesn’t make it any easier or make me any less likely to cry. There is always some pain still left, even if I start describing it neutrally.
I’ll try not to mention it but we are going to be doing it a lot!
@Tony
They can and it’s crazy. Family and the ones you love the most often hurt you the most.
@Chris
That’s great that you are listening and correcting that inner voice. I’ve actually worked on that over the last few years and it really doesn’t play that often anymore. I think of myself well for the most part and it is usually external forces that make me feel negative. The hardest thing you will ever do is learn how to take the negative internal thoughts and turn them into positive ones. It took me a lot of practice and I’m still not perfect but it’s worth it!
It is hard to cut people out of our lives, especially family. I’ve been struggling with it for years with my Mom. At some point you just have to make the decision to do what is right for you. It sounds like you are making lots of progress and having a great time in VT. Hiking in VT is one of my favorite things to do. Enjoy every minute of it.
Woo hiking!
Thanks for sharing what happened- that’s really rough. Figuring out who to cut is also really difficult. I had to do that to one friend about half a year ago; he said that if I cut him out his life would be miserable but he brought me down so much- and I didn’t see that I was really helping him any- that I had to cut him out. I know that I’m a much happier person for it. It’s needless suffering if we’re around people who bring us down.
Every family has it’s fair share of jerks (luckily, I’m the biggest one in my family).
And I no longer want to meet up for lunch; I want to come there and eat YOUR lunch. All the food looks oh-wow awesome.
I’ve had to cut off a couple family members. It has been the most liberating thing in the world, no longer being subject to emotional duress. Life was pure hell, torture, and it nearly turned physical. I do have an underlying sadness, only because I now they are so terribly ill and need help, but won’t accept that. Yet I’m safe, free, and my life has changed for the better–much better.
Sorry you cried — you’re right, you can’t detach from it. Hope your tomorrow is better.
wow, great class activity. Make me think about my own life and who those draining people are. Thanks for sharing this…I feel for you, your a strong person to handle the things you faced like you have.
What a day. It is important to get a hold of the feelings that make up who we are. It sounds as if the Vermont experience is shaping up to be life changing.
thank you thank you for sharing all this Mary
I know I keep saying it but, to me, it’s like youve brought all of us along on your journey and are teaching those of us who cant ever afford to go all that youre learning.
have a great weekend.
Wow! What a heartfelt post! I identify so much with what you have to say. As much as I love my family, I find being with them stressful and draining. I can only deal with them when I’m feeling strong.
My two best friends are incredibly uplifting – we always talk about how good we feel after spending some time together. Unfortunately we don’t see one another nearly often enough!
And my husband? He’s my rock!
You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family…seems we all have a few “downer” family members.
I’m so glad that I’m not in middle/high school anymore. I look back and have good memories, but those were tough days.
That was hard to read, but well worth it to see that you are getting it all out. I love you more every day, I just pray that you will be as lovely and happy inside and you are to me on everyside. You are my precious baby girl and I love you. I just love the pictures, I told my friend here that it makes me homesick to be there not you homesick to be back in Memphis.
You my child are a precious gem, that very few people find, but someday all your worth will be discovered as your brilliance overcomes the dark.
Mom
Reading this post made ME cry. It makes me so sad (and mad on your behalf) that your family members called you fat and ugly and more. That is just so wrong. I am glad that you have made the painful but necessary decisions you have.
It took me a really long time – decades – to realize the same about some people in my life. And it was only when I decided to let them go that I was able to lose the weight I struggled with for so long. It took me a LOT longer in my life to realize this than you have. So you are miles ahead.
It sounds like GM is just an absolutely amazing and wonderful and transformative place.
And you know what? YOU are an energizing person in MY life! THANK you!!!!!!
Cutting family out is a tricky business. I have never been able to accomplish it myself, instead choosing to have limited contact with that person and tolerate them only when other familial obligations make it neccessary.
The crying thing? We’ve all been there. I think where you are is the best place to do something like that.
nice job on the hike! sounds like a good time :) cutting people out of my life is impossible for me, although there are a handful i have been able to do it with. mainly because they are in jail.. just sayin..
have a great weekend!
Mary, so open & raw feelings! Wow, it really makes me understand you even more & how much you have gone thru! I am amazed that you are as grounded as you are after all that!
Wonderful that you were given this experience to go to Vermont & learn all you can & cleanse & give back to yourself. You deserve it! Good things come to those that do deserve!!!
You are an energizing person! Reading your blog energizes me :)
Hello! I just started following you on Twitter and wanted to stop by and say hello! I just spent some time on your blog and am excited to follow your journey. :-)
Isn’t it amazing when you start to look at your life, really look at your life, you find there are many issues that pop up that somehow can be part of the equation with one’s weight? It’s not just about the food — it rarely (if ever) is.
It’s sad to hear about some of the things you had to go through in your life, but at least you’re getting your feelings out and can learn how to deal with them.
And it’s so true about cutting out people who bring you down. This goes for everybody — overweight or not. Great insight!
Thanks so much for bringing us into your life, showing us who you really are, and inspiring so many other people along the way.
It is really very hard to deal with such people. They usually mind little things.
Your brother sounds like my brother, mine is 10 years older than me and was a royal jerk to his little sister, My husband has really helped me to let go and forgive him and feel sorry for him. I think the challenges that we live through make us stronger and more empathic.
Mary, thank you so much for sharing your experiences, it is really cool to get a glimpse into the program. You are doing so well with your feelings and eating and rocking on the exercise. I know you are going to meet your goals that you set out for the next three months. I am going to do my best to keep up with you…:-)
Wow, you just gave me so much to think about. I am so happy that you are sharing with us what you’re experiencing/learning in Vermont. Thanks!