Sometimes I feel like I’m fighting against myself. The person that I am really – the person who likes to exercise, who likes to make good food, who wants to be healthy – is fighting against the other part of me. The part of me that I can’t control.
Sometimes the part I don’t want to win actually wins. That part of me is the part that I don’t control. That’s the part of me that is hormonal and controlled by things like medicine and nature. It’s the part of me that makes me feel sad for no reason. It’s the part of me that makes me dwell on the negative and makes me hates parts of myself and my life. It’s the part of me that I hate and the part of me that I’m constantly fighting against. Sometimes I lose.
This past weekend I lost. I started feeling sad for no reason and then started feeding into that. I can put myself down better than anyone else ever can, so I did. Over and over again. I was miserable but somehow caught in the sad, negative trap that my mind sometimes sets. I know this place well, since it’s where I was for extended periods of time back in the day when I struggled with real depression. It’s the place where my mind becomes a cycle of self-defeating thoughts, where I usually tune out my mind by turning to food for comfort.
In my darkest moments, before spiraling out of control and turning to emotional eating, I went for a walk. It wasn’t a pleasant experience. I was cold, miserable, still stuck inside my head with the negativity. The mood swing that swept over me earlier in the weekend was winning still, but at least I was fighting against it with exercise.
On my walk I realized it had been a week without any exercise because I had been too sick. That just won’t cut it. I need exercise. I need it to help me fight against the things inside me that are constantly shifting and causing bad/sad moods. I need exercise to keep me feeling happy and normal. Exercise is my prescription and when I’m off it? I lose myself and my fight.
So I’m back to exercising this week. My cold is gone and I’m exercising every day, spending about an hour doing cardio and weights. It’s helping push me closer to my goal of being under 200 lbs and it’s also keeping my mood in check. Although I know the mood swing from the weekend was caused by my birth control and the hormones shifting around in my body, I can’t help but think that if I was exercising more then it might have helped me deal with it better than I did.
Since I’m over the sickness and the hormonal imbalance and the not exercising I’m feeling good again. I’m down 45 lbs, I’ve been to the beach, I’m exercising every day… life is good. I think I appreciate this fact even more after my experience this past weekend.