Sometimes I feel like I’m fighting against myself. The person that I am really – the person who likes to exercise, who likes to make good food, who wants to be healthy – is fighting against the other part of me. The part of me that I can’t control.
Sometimes the part I don’t want to win actually wins. That part of me is the part that I don’t control. That’s the part of me that is hormonal and controlled by things like medicine and nature. It’s the part of me that makes me feel sad for no reason. It’s the part of me that makes me dwell on the negative and makes me hates parts of myself and my life. It’s the part of me that I hate and the part of me that I’m constantly fighting against. Sometimes I lose.
This past weekend I lost. I started feeling sad for no reason and then started feeding into that. I can put myself down better than anyone else ever can, so I did. Over and over again. I was miserable but somehow caught in the sad, negative trap that my mind sometimes sets. I know this place well, since it’s where I was for extended periods of time back in the day when I struggled with real depression. It’s the place where my mind becomes a cycle of self-defeating thoughts, where I usually tune out my mind by turning to food for comfort.
In my darkest moments, before spiraling out of control and turning to emotional eating, I went for a walk. It wasn’t a pleasant experience. I was cold, miserable, still stuck inside my head with the negativity. The mood swing that swept over me earlier in the weekend was winning still, but at least I was fighting against it with exercise.
On my walk I realized it had been a week without any exercise because I had been too sick. That just won’t cut it. I need exercise. I need it to help me fight against the things inside me that are constantly shifting and causing bad/sad moods. I need exercise to keep me feeling happy and normal. Exercise is my prescription and when I’m off it? I lose myself and my fight.
So I’m back to exercising this week. My cold is gone and I’m exercising every day, spending about an hour doing cardio and weights. It’s helping push me closer to my goal of being under 200 lbs and it’s also keeping my mood in check. Although I know the mood swing from the weekend was caused by my birth control and the hormones shifting around in my body, I can’t help but think that if I was exercising more then it might have helped me deal with it better than I did.
Since I’m over the sickness and the hormonal imbalance and the not exercising I’m feeling good again. I’m down 45 lbs, I’ve been to the beach, I’m exercising every day… life is good. I think I appreciate this fact even more after my experience this past weekend.
I too find that exercise really helps me maintain my positive attitude, even when things really aren’t going my way. I’ve found that now that I am working out regularly that even when I am negative it is less strong and it doesn’t last nearly as long.
I don’t think you should hate any part of yourself, it seems to me to oppose the love you are showing yourself by taking care of it. Maybe try viewing the part of you that brings the negativity as the part that is most scared of all the changes that are happening and so needs the most compassion and understanding. Essentially fighing the negative thoughts with positive thoughts.
I hope this helps in some way.
lordy Im with you.
for me exercise is now 90% about keeping my stress DOWN and my crabbiness at bay.
and the other ten is usually my unflagging desire to read my new IN TOUCH WEEKLY mag.
glad youre feeling better.
Haha. Yes to that as well. The only time I ever get to read fitness mags (which I love) is during my cardio time. :)
You know, I’ve thought about this a lot lately (cuz it’s where I’ve been) and I think we can control it. I think we have to recognize it (which is my struggle) and we have to fight it, hard (with exercise, self love, etc), but we can control that part of ourselves. That’s my hope anyway!
Oh my goodness I can completely relate to this, it’s scary! Well done recognising how you can make yourself feel better. Sometimes it feels so hard to make myself feel better without food but like you exercise is the most awesome remedy…
I forgot to add…
Because your blog is fantastic I have passed on the ‘Substance Award’, feel free to pick it up at http://abetterlesserme.blogspot.com/2010/09/award-and-monthly-weigh-in.html. Thanks D…
Aw thanks!! :)
I never, never, never thought I would need exercise in my life as much as do! Once I got in the habit, it’s now become a necessity! If I go without for too many days, I don’t feel like myself either.
You’re doing great, Mary! Glad you’re feeling better :)
So glad you are back to it & feeling better! Like Miz, exercise is my prescription for all my down days…. it always helps me thru.. even the toughest times!
I’m sorry you’ve been feeling so down. I have struggled with depression for a long time, and exercise helps tremendously. Way more than emotional eating…so who knows why I keep doing it.
If you want to read it – here’s my blog post about depression from a couple of months ago.
http://gelka.wordpress.com/2010/07/31/crazy-on-top/
You’re doing great…keep focusing on that 45 pounds and how close you are to be under 200! :)
Yeah I’ve struggled with depression for a while (two defined periods in my life which were not fun at all), and also PMDD which is a monthly battle of sucktasticness. It’s hard and not something I’d wish upon anyone else. I much prefer to be happy and excited about life and how awesome I am! Beating the hormones and chemical balances into submission is just part of that!
Exercise pretty much always gets me through those tough times. Never mind the body, it’s amazing what it can do for our minds.
Good job on reminding yourself of all the positives! I have to do that occasionally and it’s really refreshing.
Exercise is my prescription too. It keeps my mood stable and level and I don’t get irritated as much when I workout out consistently.
Sorry to hear that you’ve been down! Lots of changes and stress can get me into the depressed mood pretty quickly. It’s good that you recognized it, and are managing it through exercise. It really does seem to help!
I think the more you excersize the more your body and mind needs it to keep balances and unstressed. Sadly I find it is so easy to get in the habit of not doing it. It takes me months to get to the point where I have to excersize and not force it but if I don’t do it for a couple of days it is hard to get started.
Glad you are feeling better and the excersizing is helping the balance :)
Exercise is so important especially when we are feeling down because something about it pumps you back up. Hormones are the freakin’ devil! If your pills cause you trouble for to long you may wnat to see about changing them. I had serious issues with them.
Stay focused on what you have accomplished it is so much!
Yeah I will look into changing them if the uncontrollable mood swings continue. They’ve been getting better and less frequent, so I’m thinking my body is adjusting. I’m going to give it another month then check with the doctor. :)
You hit the nail on the head. Exercise is good for my body, but it is necessary for my mental well being. If I don’t do it for more than a few days I notice how depressed I get as well as how I can’t seem to just “be”, I have a really hard time relaxing but I also don’t want to do anything productive. It just feels like I’m going crazy.
Understanding this about yourself is a huge step, it took me a long time to really process the connection, and unfortunately sometimes I still ignore the true facts and let my lazy/crazy self win, but at least understanding it helps me to correct it faster than I used to.
You are doing amazingly well, especially considering all the huge changes these last 6 months have brought in your life! Keep at it!
If I don’t exercise, or if I don’t eat, or both, I get really depressed. And yet, when I get really depressed, I don’t want to exercise that much, and I definitely don’t want to eat, so it makes me worse. Usually when I feel those moods coming on, I can now recognize them and force myself to do the good for me stuff anyways, and it helps. But, nothing’s 100%. Glad your exercising helped! I do think that one of the main reasons I work out is not to be physically fit (which is important too, but not as important as..), but to be MENTALLY fit. I need those endorphins!!
I understand exactly where you’re coming from. I’ve been so stressed about my new job training that I had to start walking/jogging just to calm my nerves and clear my mind. I’ve lost 5 lbs already and it’s improving my performance and confidence.
It’s weird that sometimes the thought of exercise just turns me off but I forget at how good it is for me both physically and mentally.
Thanks for adding my blog to your favorites!
Kelli C.
http://pathsofnature.blogspot.com
It is amazing how well exercise can make you feel!
I just restarted my exercise routine today and I’m already feeling better! Next time you don’t feel like working out, come back to this post. :)
I so identify with you first paragraph. I don’t understand why part of me is fighting the other part that really wants to do the right thing and be healthy and happy. It is a hard battle to win sometimes.
Exercise is medicine, that’s for sure. When I get in a rut or don’t feel like working out, I always try to sell myself on the feeling you have when you are finishing. You’re happy, you’re full of energy, and you’re actually glad you did it. The trick is holding on to that feeling long enough to start the next workout :-)
I couldn’t have read this post on a more appropo day. I’ve been struggling with my depression demons lately as well, and I’ve learned that daily exercise helps me immensely. Today I woke up unhappy and decided to go outside for a run (something I never do). It was just what I needed!!