The last two weeks were hell for me. I was barely been able to function, to be honest.
I’ve gone to work and struggled through the work day. I’ve come home and laid on my empty floor and cried for 20 minutes every night. I’ve tried my best to keep things at work upbeat but I’ve failed multiple times and even been informed to watch my actions and half my coworkers probably think I’m insane. I’ve made mistakes and then spent hours fretting over them. I’ve let jokes from coworkers get to me and completely shut me down for an afternoon. I’ve been thisclose to asking to quit or trying to get fired just so I didn’t have to go back the next day.
It’s a shame because I generally like what I do and the people I work with. I’m not the best at it and never will be, but I do a decent job. However, in the midst of this extreme anxiety I’ve been MAJORLY insecure about my job performance (and everything else in my life). I’ve managed to convince myself that I’m horrible at my job and that everyone I work with truly dislikes me.
Logically I know this isn’t true, but I can’t stop my brain from thinking it. I’ve lost control of my mind somewhere along the last two weeks and the anxiety and insecurity took over.
It’s awful to think these kinds of things about myself all day long. It’s awful to come home and cry and break down and fight myself over suicidal thoughts. It’s awful to know that this isn’t what I want to be thinking or feeling yet can’t stop it.
It’s exhausting.
I’ve had a couple days off work to celebrate Thanksgiving. I desperately needed this time to chill and decided to also come up with a plan to fix things that have been veering so dangerously off course.
Operation Fix My Life. Since I like naming things. Here are the steps.
- Appointment with OBGYN for medication and exam (need to contact)
- Appointment with new therapist for therapy help to work on anxiety (already contacted)
- Cut back on sugar consumed (problems have been worse since Halloween candy, started this on Thanksgiving & passed on dessert)
- Exercise for 20-30 minutes a day once again (started this on Thanksgiving and worked out at home)
- Work on social phobia/anxiety at work with therapy (this will suck)
- Do some things that make me happy/do not allow me to think (fun projects… started today)
Honestly the first two will make the most impact, but the others will help too.
I’ve been standing on the edge of a very big, very dark cliff and I don’t want to fall off it. I don’t want to end up back where I once was or worse. I’m blogging about this so I stay accountable to something, to someone and actually make these changes rather than make things harder for myself. Part of me does want to just quit and retreat and slink away into the darkness. I can’t let myself. I deserve better.
So those are the things I’m thinking and planning. Operation Fix My Life is more like “operation fix my broken chemically imbalanced brain”, but still. It needs to be done so I can function and get on with the rest of my life. I’ve got other things I want to do, thanks!
I don’t usually comment on blogs, but just wanted to say that you can do it! Take things one day at a time, and know that you have hundreds of people on this little thing called the Internet that are here to listen and talk to you. You’ve had a stressful year but you’ll come out of it and will start 2013 with a happier, healthier mindset! :)
HUGE HUGS Mary! Yes, I think those first 2 are priorities & especially your therapist to help you figure out why you are sabotaging yourself & help you get back on track. The other operation get back on track are great ones too! The most important thing is to help you & you are doing that! So glad!
I hope you feel better. I like how you made a list of things you want to work on that are tangible and concrete. Best of luck with everything. Happy Belated Thanksgiving!
Thank you for sharing your story. If it makes you feel any better, you are not alone in having thoughts like this. I read a marvelous book that helped me harness my thought; The power of Now – Eckart Tolle.
I am so sorry you going through this and I think t is important to follow your list it will help a great deal. I have suffer with a panic disorder for over 20 years. There are lots of things you can do to overcome this. Medication doesn’t helps everything but it does help cope with life and I would speak to your doctor about ASAP because it does take about 2 to 3 weeks to start working. Exercising feels like the last thing you want to when you are feeling like this but It will help a great deal and to burn off that excess nervous energy. Staying away from caffiene will also help. It’s one day at time when you are in the heart of the storm but you can totally overcome this and start coping with what is bothering you. You are not alone. It is scary and exhusting but you totally got this!! I am not a doctor but I have read up on a lot on this disorder to over come my disorder. I hope this helps….
Thanks for sharing! I think there must have been something going on in the universe… or SOMETHING! Because I myself had a similar situation, many ladies I’ve spoken to have had a rough few weeks. I hope you’re feeling better! I stumbled upon your blog maybe a week ago, I really enjoy reading your posts! You’re very inspiring thank you!!!
Let’s hope for better weeks to follow!! :)
I hope you can get some help that works. I have not been able to work in years outside of my house because of my anxiety- I end up having a total meltdown and can’t make myself leave the house for months after working around other people for about a week. That’s if I get hired- I have panic attacks during interviews.
Anxiety is not a little thing some people seem to think. Its big, serious, and can be overpowering. I would not wish my state on anyone.
Do let us know if you find something that really helps!
Your Plan sounds great. Is there anyway you can take a good friend or a family member with you to your doctor’s appointments? sometimes that can really help hang in there
Karen p
Good plan. I know that the first two are very important, but I think the dietary changes and exercise will really help, too. Mostly because those actions speak of putting yourself FIRST and taking care of YOU. Many times by doing that, you can alleviate the stress simply because you now feel good. So, I think you have a sound plan and can do this. Just keep moving forward. Don’t look back. And keep blogging. I know it may be hard to talk about this stuff, but not only are you helping you by letting this stuff out, you’re helping others who may read this and be in a similar situation!
Ive been thinking about and of you since I saw your tweets…
Click over to Amazon (or your favorite book site) and get The Worry Cure by Robert Leahy. I know someone who went through the exact same thing and that book changed their lives.
Nothing to add that hasn’t been said…just know that there are people out there (more than you know) who love you and care!
Sorry to hear about your struggles.I think seeing a doc is a great first step.Can I suggest you look into trying a gluten free diet.There is a lot of recent research suggesting a connection between gluten and mental health issues.I have been gluten free for a year and my anxiety has been greatly reduced.Also I walk 35 minutes a day 5 days a week.There is good evidence that steady movement for at least 30 minutes a day is as beneficial for mild depression/anxiety as medication.
That is the fitting blog for anybody who wants to find out about this topic. You understand a lot its virtually exhausting to argue with you (not that I truly would need…HaHa). You definitely put a new spin on a topic thats been written about for years. Great stuff, simply great!