The last two weeks were hell for me. I was barely been able to function, to be honest.
I’ve gone to work and struggled through the work day. I’ve come home and laid on my empty floor and cried for 20 minutes every night. I’ve tried my best to keep things at work upbeat but I’ve failed multiple times and even been informed to watch my actions and half my coworkers probably think I’m insane. I’ve made mistakes and then spent hours fretting over them. I’ve let jokes from coworkers get to me and completely shut me down for an afternoon. I’ve been thisclose to asking to quit or trying to get fired just so I didn’t have to go back the next day.
It’s a shame because I generally like what I do and the people I work with. I’m not the best at it and never will be, but I do a decent job. However, in the midst of this extreme anxiety I’ve been MAJORLY insecure about my job performance (and everything else in my life). I’ve managed to convince myself that I’m horrible at my job and that everyone I work with truly dislikes me.
Logically I know this isn’t true, but I can’t stop my brain from thinking it. I’ve lost control of my mind somewhere along the last two weeks and the anxiety and insecurity took over.
It’s awful to think these kinds of things about myself all day long. It’s awful to come home and cry and break down and fight myself over suicidal thoughts. It’s awful to know that this isn’t what I want to be thinking or feeling yet can’t stop it.
I’ve had a couple days off work to celebrate Thanksgiving. I desperately needed this time to chill and decided to also come up with a plan to fix things that have been veering so dangerously off course.
Operation Fix My Life. Since I like naming things. Here are the steps.
- Appointment with OBGYN for medication and exam (need to contact)
- Appointment with new therapist for therapy help to work on anxiety (already contacted)
- Cut back on sugar consumed (problems have been worse since Halloween candy, started this on Thanksgiving & passed on dessert)
- Exercise for 20-30 minutes a day once again (started this on Thanksgiving and worked out at home)
- Work on social phobia/anxiety at work with therapy (this will suck)
- Do some things that make me happy/do not allow me to think (fun projects… started today)
Honestly the first two will make the most impact, but the others will help too.
I’ve been standing on the edge of a very big, very dark cliff and I don’t want to fall off it. I don’t want to end up back where I once was or worse. I’m blogging about this so I stay accountable to something, to someone and actually make these changes rather than make things harder for myself. Part of me does want to just quit and retreat and slink away into the darkness. I can’t let myself. I deserve better.
So those are the things I’m thinking and planning. Operation Fix My Life is more like “operation fix my broken chemically imbalanced brain”, but still. It needs to be done so I can function and get on with the rest of my life. I’ve got other things I want to do, thanks!