I suppose this post will be my Healthy You Challenge Check In, but I am terrible at checking in, honestly. I forget when I am supposed to do. I forget what day it is. I forget how long it has been since the last time. I forget.
But forgetting is not what is keeping me from checking in. Forgetting is not what is keeping me from losing weight. I can’t forget that I am fat. No, I can NEVER forget that because everything I do and everything I think is based off of my being fat.
Because everything in my life is somehow affected by my weight I am scared to change it. Thats right, I AM SCARED. I am AFRAID to lose weight and live a healthier lifestyle because that is foreign to me. I am scared to give up who I am now and the way I live. I know its unhealthy, but it is also all I know. I am scared to let go of all I know.
I am also scared that losing the weight won’t be a good thing. I always have those grand ideas in the back of my head about what being thinner will be like. I think about how amazing I will feel and how much better people will treat me and how fabulous my life will be. But what if that doesn’t happen? What if I just turn out to be miserable and skinny instead of miserable and fat? I am scared to find out.
Fear shouldn’t stop you from doing anything. I know this. But right now I am letting fear stop me from losing weight. I am letting the fear of the unknown, fear of the future stop me. Its silly, but right now I am scared to lose weight. I am scared to lose myself in this process. I want to lose weight but I don’t want to emerge on the other, less heavy side, being a different person entirely.
Eh, I am being a whiner, but I just wanted to acknowledge the fears I have about losing weight.
Merry,
I understand so much of what you are talking about. I have been much heavier than I am now. I have been much thinner than I am now. I like being thinner much better. The weird thing is I was my thinnest and most fit four years ago. I was so teeny, I would wear a bikini proudly on the beach. Until then, I had never even had a two piece bathing suit in my life! I loved shopping for all my cute outfits. I loved just walking around skinny. I was that way for almost two years. So why did I allow myself to start gaining weight back. FEAR. At the time, I didn’t realize this. However in retrospect, I understand why I was overweight most of my life. I kept this extra weight on as a protection against the world. I didn’t want attention. I always thought I was destined to be a chunky girl. When I finally got skinny, I was amazed that my body could actually look fit and slim. Also, I was so happy for myself! Yet, I fell back to my old thoughts and ways.
Luckily, I didn’t gain a whole lot of weight back. I caught in in time. It has taken me a year to understand this fear thing. So much of this fitness journey is in your HEAD. Now, I am back on a roll. I want to be fit again. Being healthy and slim is my true authentic self.
Now it is time for you to try new things so you can find your TRUE self.
:-)
Sheree
I totally get what you’re saying. [and you’re definitely not the only one]
Though that fear doesn’t go away even when the weight does – I’m still afraid to do so many of the things I thought I’d be able to do when I lost the weight. This is the part they don’t tell you when it comes to weight loss, the psychological madness; it’s just as, if not, even more than the eating and exercising.
It’s something that you have to tackle. I’m trying to tackle it now, and it’s hard, but every time I make progress, I’m thankful.
A very eloquent post, Mary. It IS scary. What will I look like? What will I have to do to stay that way? What happens if I gain it back? So many unanswered questions. I try to stay focused on the strength and fitness aspect of it and stay away from the ‘what was’ and ‘what will be’ trains of thought. It’s safer that way. :)
Wow, thanks for sharing. I’m not fearful of what comes after I make my weight goals. But I am terrified of failing to lose weight. I’m so involved in the process; either pushing myself to stick to the diet or kicking myself for not that I’ve never considered what happens once I make my goal.
I don’t know that I can offer much help. I do know that none of us should live in fear of change that is for the better – and getting healthy is definitely for the better. Getting healthy might change how others perceive you, but will it really change who you are? I tend to think we have the same hangups regardless of being skinny or fat – otherwise there wouldn’t be so many screwed up skinny people out there.
Hi mary, I understand what you’re saying but I’m not sure if scared is the right word.
Right now I’m trying to lose weight again!!! But back in 2000 I was able to lose over 100lbs (right now I’m overweight) and to tell you the truth people are not to treat well just because you are thin, they will treat you well if you are a nice person, at least that’s what I found.
One thing that you have to be aware is that when you lose weight you are going to become a totally different person, I don’t mean a better or worst but just different because your world it’s not going to be involved about food or being worried about how bad you look.
I believe sometime we just don’t want to face reality and that’s why we unconsciously try to sabotage our diet, so you don’t have that reality check.
In my opinion weight loss it’s much more preparing yourself emotionally than just diet and exercises.
I wish you good luck.
Blubba… being scared of failing is part of it too. I know its irrational to be afraid of becoming healthier, but in certain ways I am and I need to acknowledge it. Eh.
Thanks Alex. I never lost a ton of weight, but even losing some I noticed that the world is a little different and I know that a drastic weight loss like 100 pounds will change you. It has too. So I guess Im just a littler nervous over the unknown. Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing!