I suppose this post will be my Healthy You Challenge Check In, but I am terrible at checking in, honestly. I forget when I am supposed to do. I forget what day it is. I forget how long it has been since the last time. I forget.
But forgetting is not what is keeping me from checking in. Forgetting is not what is keeping me from losing weight. I can’t forget that I am fat. No, I can NEVER forget that because everything I do and everything I think is based off of my being fat.
Because everything in my life is somehow affected by my weight I am scared to change it. Thats right, I AM SCARED. I am AFRAID to lose weight and live a healthier lifestyle because that is foreign to me. I am scared to give up who I am now and the way I live. I know its unhealthy, but it is also all I know. I am scared to let go of all I know.
I am also scared that losing the weight won’t be a good thing. I always have those grand ideas in the back of my head about what being thinner will be like. I think about how amazing I will feel and how much better people will treat me and how fabulous my life will be. But what if that doesn’t happen? What if I just turn out to be miserable and skinny instead of miserable and fat? I am scared to find out.
Fear shouldn’t stop you from doing anything. I know this. But right now I am letting fear stop me from losing weight. I am letting the fear of the unknown, fear of the future stop me. Its silly, but right now I am scared to lose weight. I am scared to lose myself in this process. I want to lose weight but I don’t want to emerge on the other, less heavy side, being a different person entirely.
Eh, I am being a whiner, but I just wanted to acknowledge the fears I have about losing weight.