I really wasn’t sure if I should post this today.
I mean, yeah, it’s my blog, but um, uh, should I?
I’ve always gone on about positive body image and self esteem and being happy and this just seems to counteract that. But it’s what I’ve been struggling with lately and I want to share my whole journey with you all. So here it is.
The last week or has been a huge struggle for me. I gained weight because I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped taking care of myself because I stopped caring. There are several reasons why this happened (really, lots) but I’ve noticed one that sticks out.
I don’t feel beautiful.
I am cute, funny, smart, quirky, playful, fun loving, generally happy, and awesome. Those things I truly believe about myself. I’m a really cool person. I enjoy spending time with people and making the world a better place. I like to have fun and want everyone around me to have fun too. But I still don’t think I’m beautiful.
I’m cute and have a sense of style that’s very much my own. Yes. These things I’ll agree to. But beautiful? No.
I’ve been told I’m beautiful. My mom’s friends like to use the word beautiful to describe me after they meet me. I am in love with an awesome guy who tells me that a lot and probably will tell me that every day for the rest of my life. It still doesn’t change the fact that I don’t believe it.
Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I think I look sort of pretty. I very often think I look cute. But stretching my perception of myself much beyond that is a struggle. It’s a struggle I haven’t been winning lately, because sometimes when I look in the mirror all I see is fat. Just fat. The fat that still sticks around and doesn’t want to leave without a fight. Sometimes when I look at myself I see that and I just give up trying to see anything more. I know it shouldn’t be that way, but it is.
And because sometimes I can’t see beautiful or anything else good, so I give up trying. I stop taking care of myself and doing the things I like to do because they make me happy. I just sort of exist and let time pass without enjoying it. All because I don’t feel beautiful, or I suppose, worth it.
I’ve written about body image a lot in the past. I really do believe we are all beautiful people, no matter what our bodies look like. But years and years of being told you are fat and ugly every day is something that’s hard to overcome. Even if that’s a joke someone tells you, it stings you and it sticks to you. When they mean it and you have no reason to refute it, then it scars you. I’m trying my hardest to get past all of that but I feel like it’s left those scars and deformed what I can believe about myself. I have trouble sometimes getting those ghosts out of my head. I have trouble thinking I’m anything but fat and ugly. Even though I accept my body for what it is and love it, I’m still carrying around the notions that I’m fat and ugly. Far, far from beautiful.
So I sit and I think and I wonder about myself. About why I can’t feel beautiful. About why the hurts from the past don’t go away as easily as I want them to. About how it’s not fair that I really never was fat or ugly but was made to believe that so much it became my own self fulfilling prophecy. About how I really, really do want to be beautiful. About how I hope that one day it happens, meaning that I believe it.
Don’t you think that “beautiful” is a state of mind and in the eye of the beholder? What is beauty? What is it like to feel beautiful? I mean REALLY be beautiful? Everyone has their own definition and own opinions of what is beautiful to THEM. You can’t be beautiful to everyone but you can love yourself and be beautiful to you. You just have to feel it, think it and mean it.
It sounds like your self esteem is so low right now. I just want to give you a hug!!!!
.-= Anonymous Fat Girl´s last blog ..P90X… Let the pain begin TODAY =-.
I do. I think beauty is completely subjective. But that’s not really the point of this, is it? To ME, I don’t feel/seem/look beautiful. So in my definition, whatever that is, I don’t live up to it. So… yeah.
It is. Haha. A hug would be nice!
((((HUGS))))
P.S. I think you are a beautiful girl and I’m not blowing smoke up your ass. :)
.-= Anonymous Fat Girl´s last blog ..“Look in the damn mirror!” =-.
One of the things I’ve noticed as I’ve lost weight and begun to like myself more, is that I find the beauty in others much more easier now too. I’m amazed at how much weight loss is mental.
Even if you don’t see it, I think you’re beautiful. From my own experience, it takes confidence to believe that about yourself. Sometimes its hard for me to see that about myself.
Thank you for your honesty. It gives me an opportunity to connect with someone else who too is going through these struggles.
.-= Margee´s last blog ..What is success? =-.
You are so brave for writing this. It’s hard to dig so deep and bring those thoughts and feelings out for everyone to hear. I know how you feel. I do. I sometimes have this image of myself and think I look good and then I get a look in the mirror or glance at a picture and think, I’ve just been fooling myself all along. It’s something I’m working on. At 40 years old you’d think I’d stop caring what everyone else thinks. I do know this, that when you stop caring for yourself it will not make you feel better. It’s a downward spiral. But the awareness that you have tells me that you are working in the right direction. Think of the people that you feel are beautiful, what makes them beautiful to you? It certainly can’t be how all of them look. It’s what’s inside of them, I’m sure. And while you may feel you don’t look beautiful, you have to know that you are a good person, that you have done wonderful things, and helped and inspired many people. That is beautiful. Hugs to you, good lookin’.
.-= Debbie @ comfycozycrazy´s last blog ..Looking back to move forward =-.
Several things came to mind when I saw this post, the first of which was, “Gosh, Mary looks beautiful in her latest video!” Seriously, that’s what I thought when I saw it.
Then I thought, what the heck is “beauty” anyway? I don’t think beauty is just one thing, it’s a combination of things, like “cute, funny, smart, quirky, playful, fun loving, generally happy, and awesome.”
Look, I am can’t make you feel beautiful if you don’t feel it yourself. I’ve been through times when I felt ugly and unattractive and there was pretty much nothing anyone else could say to make me not feel that way in that moment. But I will say this, when others (especially those who love you and/or are your friends) say you are beautiful, trust them. Don’t call their judgement on this into question.
And by what standard are you judging your beauty? As Anonymous said, everyone has their own definition.
And finally, there is some value in looking yourself in the eye and saying, “you are beautiful” on a regular basis. The more we say things like this, the more we believe them eventually. I read a study somewhere that said that married couples who say to themselves and others that they have a good marriage actually DO have a good marriage. Does that mean that these couples don’t face challenges or struggles? Nope…but they have a good marriage. And so it is with feeling beautiful. I mostly feel beautiful these days, because I tell myself I am and I hear it from those who matter to me. But I have my “ugly” days too. And they pass.
.-= KCLAnderson (Karen)´s last blog ..It’s Time To Kick It Up A Notch! =-.
I know it doesn’t mean much to hear it from someone else, and that it’s something you have to find inside, but you really are beautiful.
I hate when I have these moments, when I feel so down about what I look like and how much weight I still have to lose. You should be proud of all the work you’ve done, and don’t let this funk undo all of your amazing progress.
I hope this is just a passing moment, because I hate the idea that you can’t see your own beauty. I really do understand though. In general I don’t feel so bad about myself, but when I see pictures of me I always have to edit the crap out of them before I feel comfortable posting them for anyone else to see… so I have my issues too. I wish we could all feel beautiful for everything we have to offer the world…
.-= Heather´s last blog ..What To Do When Plans Fail =-.
Mary, You’re amazing for writing this. I’m sending you the biggest virtual teddy bear hug I can imagine.
“Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I think I look sort of pretty.”… That’s too true… in my mind it’s frequently followed by an if x, y, or z were to change. We can talk about banishing fat talk, we can talk about loving ourselves, but it’s so hard to put into action. It’s not a switch we can flip and just believe. It’s about learning to love yourself. I’m realizing it’s about accepting that I don’t like looking at myself in the mirror during zumba so I stand near the back – and ya know what, it works and lets me feel awesome during the class instead of judgmental. I don’t have any solutions. I don’t know how to fix it – it’s a journey I’m engaged on every day, trying to learn to love myself – body and soul.
You’re inspirational. Remember that.
More hugs
I struggle with of the same thing, mary. And you’ll see from my blog that I’ve had a massive issue with taking care of myself as well…something I’m trying to rectify and do better at.
The little things matter. I’ve seen a massive jump in my attitude just by adding little things into my day that are all for me. Facial masks, long baths, splurging on that book you want, painting my nails. eating that brownie, etc.
I hope you feel beautiful soon. I hope I feel beautiful soon too. We’re silly girls for not believing it. But its true.
xxxx
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Feel good ramblings, round 2. =-.
I don’t feel beautiful either. I don’t think I will until what I see on the outside matches what I see in my mind’s eye of me. And that’s a tall order to fill. Working on it, though.
.-= Curvy Jones´s last blog ..Neil Diamond, everybody! =-.
I completely understand where you are coming from Mary. There are parts of myself I like or think are attractive but do I think I am beautiful on the outside, no. I get compliments etc but it doesn’t match what I see. Kudos for posting this, I think we all say the right things about body image but often the truth in ourselves we leave hidden. I also don’t honestly think I will be beautiful when I lose the weight I want so I’m not letting that stop me. I’m far to short to ever be considered beautiful and though I try not to buy into societal norms of beauty, I have to at least some degree. But I’m trying to feel the best that I can and if that leads to looking better, wonderful, beautiful, unlikely but hey not everyone can be if we tend to hold one standard of beauty, right? I’m learning to love me for me not the outside package, but man it’s hard… HUGS for you for posting this.
.-= Alison´s last blog ..Another 5 miler! =-.
I completely get it, and I applaud you for writing about it. Thankfully, I am also blessed with a boyfriend who tells me often that I’m beautiful. I really just wish I could look at myself and see what he sees.
.-= Janet´s last blog ..Yoga Voices in My Head =-.
Hello Mary! I just found your blog, and let me tell you that your post cannot come at a better time. Last night I told my husband that sometimes I don’t really want to be intimate with him because I don’t feel beautiful and sexy. He was kind of shocked…and he said that I needed to really work on myself and accept me, for me. Body image is something I’ve been struggling with since I was 5 or 6 years old. So, I totaly get your post.
I still have 50 pounds or so to lose, and I know I need to work on myself really hard. Thanks for your post.
I know what you’re feeling, girl. I’m there, too. Every day. Why can’t we let go of the past? I try very hard, but those moments still come back and bite me, and push me right back down.
Ugh. I have no answers, just commiseration and virtual hugs.
.-= Jenn @ Watch My Butt Shrink!´s last blog ..Higher weights and few reps do not make you a bulky girl =-.
Yeah. The past is a hard thing to move on from, especially when it cuts you deep. I’m trying, honestly, and sometimes I think I’ve gotten past it only to realize that I’m not. It’s not like this all the time, but it happens.
Hi Mary! I understand how you’re feeling 100%! I was at a wedding this weekend, and every person I saw told me how good I look, and even in the pictures I think I look good, but at the time, I didn’t. I felt fat and gross because I had to order my bridesmaid dress in a size 18. I can’t get over that number, and I think until I do, I won’t be able to feel “beautiful.” For what it’s worth, I think you look beautiful, and I can tell from your writing that you’re beautiful on the inside too!
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..Food is Fuel =-.
Maybe you should ask yourself what you believe, or who you believe is beautiful.
I think that’s key.
For years, growing up…petite was beautiful because my mom pounded that.
By petite..I mean pixie like women who weight 110 lbs and with no boobs, no hips…you know the type. The ones who make peasant blouses look good.
Even at a healthy weight I didn’t look like that. I wasn’t blond and fey.
I had an hourglass figure.
I had never seen beyonce, or marilyn munroe.
I didn’t know there was a diffferent kind of beautiful.
You have to find your own beautiful.
YOu have beautiful skin and (pardon me here lol I am married and hetero….so don’t take this the wrong way….)
great jugs, beautiful lips.
Love who YOU are.
Shine your own light.
Look at selma hayak.
If she ran around thinking twiggy was beautiful, she’d have been up shit creek without a paddle.
Or even better, look at barbra striesand. Or reese witherspoon, or kate winslett…
beautiful each in their own way.
so, find your own beautiful
LOL. Thank you for those totally hetero comments you gave me. Hehe.
It’s not that I don’t think curvy or different sizes can be beautiful. I do! I think that those shapes and body types are more beautiful than size two models. But it’s not about me thinking my body type/shape is beautiful.
It’s all about my past hurts coming to bite me in the ass. I got told I was a lot of bad things and for a while I believed them. I’ve moved on for the most part, but every once in a while those old fears creep back up and I believe them again. I believe I’m fat and ugly and beautiful is not associated with those things. So clearly I can’t be beautiful. This thinking isn’t even about my size or what I actually look like. Like everything else in this journey it’s all in my head.
I didn’t think I was beautiful or love myself for a long time. It took me find someone overweight attractive to realize that if I could find him attractive, others could find me attractive; obese or not.
Always remember that you are worth it! Never lose focus on your goals and how far you have come.
Everyone has days/weeks/months where they get down. Consider if you did nothing or worse gained over the next year instead of making right choices and lose. I’ve spent too many years going up and down with nothing but fattness to show. Don’t lose focus and let yourself go back to the way you were.
We all deserve more than that. One thing that has helped me is that I realize that I am a big time emotional eater; happy, sad, mad, celebrating, bored, stressed, etc. When I get cravings for foods it’s usually due to an emotional reason.
I’m with Karen above. If we tell ourselves something repeatedly, we begin to believe it. It’s a version of “you are what you think.” So I vote for telling yourself you are beautiful, especially when you feel you aren’t. That way, you can short-circuit the times when you’re telling yourself something you don’t want to be.
.-= Marsha @ Green Mountain at Fox Run´s last blog ..Developing a Healthy Relationship with Your Kitchen =-.
Beauty is really not always what is on the outside. If you have beauty on the inside, it truly shines through as an aura. The thing is, being overweight or thin, most women (and men) have these feelings. You are not abnormal to not think of yourself that way.
I think you are very cute, though :D
.-= Lori (Finding Radiance)´s last blog ..Bagels and biking and bread! =-.
Hi Mary! I can totally relate to what your going through as my wife has felt the same way at times but i think she’s beautiful. There are times when she doesn’t want to be intimate with me because she doesn’t feel beatiful. Mary i think your a very pretty lady so when you look in the mirror remember there is a very beautiful women staring back at you.
Oh how I understand you. Feeling like this doesn’t go away that easily. Hell, I’ve lost most of the weight I wanted to lose but some days are still hard. There’s definitely more to it than just weight, the past is difficult to overcome.
.-= Diana´s last blog ..Short and sweet. =-.
I love your honesty in this post! But please, never stop caring and believing that you deserve this, you are a great person and your blog brings so much happiness and support to so many people. Making a list of your favourite qualities will empower you to value your worth and I really hope someday that you will write I Am Beautiful right at the very top of that list! Best of luck!
Have to agree with Chris. I think it is key to figure out what is beautiful to you. I have a picture hanging up of Crystal Renn, who, in a size twelve is gorgeous in my opinion and I will be leaving it there even when I have, hopefully, left a size twelve behind. Take a look here http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/12/23/crystal-renns-plus-size-s_n_400947.html and at just a glance I know which image I prefer. I want to lose weight, but I’d still like to be a woman when I’m done. I find Crystal to be inspirational since this is a model that I can actually aspire to be. Her measurements at 39-32-43 are numbers that are attainable and surpass-able in a completely healthy way.
Brave Post Friend.
So many of us have been there. You will find, I think, that this beau of yours will be an asset for your confidence, he sounds like a winner so far.
Keep at it, make slow strides, and keep making people laugh. That may be what makes you the most beautiful.
When you feel cute, funny, smart, quirky, playful, fun loving, generally happy, and awesome enjoy that feeling and be grateful for who you are. When you feel anything less, just say f**k it and get on with your day.
Relax and let it go — don’t fight the negative thoughts, don’t entertain them or let them swirl around in your head gaining size and momentum — just say the magic words (f**k it) and keep going.
Beautiful is overrated — confidence and authenticity is so much more attractive.
You are a divine goddess because you love and are loved. Nothing else matters.
x
You know what’s funny, Mary?
I looked at the opening image for your weigh in video yesterday and thought to myself “Mary is really beautiful”. And now today you post this. Our self opinion is so mental and so subjective.
I’ve been reading your blog for awhile. It’s really helping to motivate me in my own weight loss and in exploring my own emotional issues relating to body image and food. I’m not much of a blog poster–I like to lurk–but I wanted to come out of hiding and tell you that yesterday I spontaneously noticed how beautiful you are. I know that hearing that consistently from strangers really helped me recover some of my own self esteem at a critical point in my life-I hope it helps you too. :)
Keep blogging, you’re awesome!
Aw, thank you. :) It does help. It’s strange in a way, to hear from people who think I’m beautiful. But it’s very cool and every time I hear it from someone it inches me closer to believing it. You are totally right.. our self opinion is subjective. It doesn’t always match what other people think of us.
I’m so glad I could help motivate you, especially in exploring the emotional stuff surrounding these issues. I’m still doing it myself and it’s not always easy or fun, but it’s necessary. It’s pretty easy to lose weight but if you don’t fix the stuff that caused you to gain weight in the first place it won’t stay off. I learned that so now I’m doing it the right way.
I understand. I feel the same way, often (in general, not weight loss specifically, but about the beautiful part and what’s the point, etc). Feel better..
.-= merri´s last blog ..Five Star Restaurants: Patio Filipino =-.
It broke my heart to read your post. Because I think you are awesomely beautiful. But of course that doesn’t “count.” You know that so many people love you and think you are gorgeous. But if you don’t FEEL it inside… I wish that for you. I wish for you to really SEE yourself and how amazing you are. Because you are. And not only are you beautiful, you’re hecka smart! That e-book of yours is rocking my brain! Wow.
.-= Foodie McBody´s last blog ..Eating, Alone =-.
PS. I often have that same sinking feeling but it’s more often in the category of “I don’t feel smart.” I know how old hurts can just cycle around and kick you down again. That’s MY old mantra and it comes round to haunt me now and again.
.-= Foodie McBody´s last blog ..Eating, Alone =-.
Hehe. It counts that you think I’m beautiful. It all counts. It all is pushing me farther than I could go on my own and getting me closer to believing it ALL the time. So it definitely counts. I’m not one to reject compliments. I take them in and ponder them and eventually the tipping point comes where I start to believe it. So yeah, it counts.
And… we all have our things we are insecure about. Whether it’s being smart or being pretty. But for the record, I think you are a very smart lady. :)
I know exaclty how you feel, I feel that way at least every other day. Sometimes, it’s easy enough to fix with some hot pink or other funky color nailpolish, but most of the time it is not that simple. Most of the time I’m just frustrated with where I am in life, whether its worrying about finding a job after graduation or family issues. It may or may not be the same for you, but I hope you do realize how beautiful you are. I’ve been following you quietly for months and you inspire me every day. You have beautiful eyes and a lovely smile and above all else a stunning soul!
Thank you Brittany. I feel like this is one of the only comments from someone who really gets it. Sometimes it really is easy enough to fix with a fun change like nail color. But sometimes, like this time, it’s a little tougher and it lasts longer.
Thank you so much!
GREAT comment Michelle. Great. And all those negative things about yourself in that comment? Complete crap. That voice needs to shut up. You rock. Thank you.
I can’t wait for the next comment. Oh me oh my, two comments from my love on one post? You are turning into me. ;P
I love you. Thank you for that.
Hey lady,
I read your post really early and had to think about what to say because I realize I could tell you I think you’re a beautiful, gentle soul 50 bajillion times and you still might not realize what I see. So you’ll have to filter your Mary glasses. I think there’s too much fog on them. Wipe them off time and time again, let your vision become clearer, so that you can slowly start seeing what the rest of us see.
I think it IS hard to move on from the painful past. My mom used to always tell me that I wasn’t good enough, since Asians always compare their children with their friend’s children. ALL the time. I was usually the really rebellious kid that barely got into college and didn’t walk at my high school graduation (who would have thought) so I was a failure when she told her friends about me. I thought I was a failure, that I was never good enough. But I’m slowly proving to myself that I can be awesome and good at things that I want to do.
I think it’s a slow process in the beginning but once that light bulb goes off in your head, you’ll start making leaps and bounds. You know what I do every morning? I look in the mirror, and tell myself that I look damn good. No joke. And what do I do every night? The same thing. Sometimes I don’t feel it but I think because I say it out loud, it helps me believe it a tiny bit more.
.-= Jess´s last blog ..Weigh-in #11 =-.
You know, I identified a lot with your post, and I’ve lost 120 pounds. I was confident and outgoing at 300 pounds and I still am — but with every pound I lose, I become much more aware of my body and its flaws. It’s something I struggle with every day, something that never crossed my mind when I was morbidly obese.
.-= Ashley´s last blog ..A funny thing happened when I lost 120 pounds =-.
I do think you look great! I’m not a big dr Phil fan , but I remember one show he said that everyone has their own personal truth about themselves…what they truly believe. So in order to feel beautiful you have to chg that belief. I think some really skinny people also don’t feel beautiful either…its all in the mind. I loved today’s post and TY for sharing your own personal belief because I know it is hard to do!
.-= sian-girlgestrong´s last blog ..Giveaway-prAna Active Wear =-.
I don’t think I’m beautiful either and I truly think if most women were honest they’d say the same thing.
So, when I get down on myself, I say this little saying I made up for myself a long time ago. It goes like this,
“I’m banking on reality, saving myself sanity.”
What it means is I know my own reality and I can deal with it in a positive manner.
So what, if I’m not beautiful. I have lots of good traits. I have abilities. I can pass on love and support to others who need it. I am basically a kind, good person.
So here’s my reality for you. I think you’re beautiful, but even if you don’t that’s okay because it’s your reality. Yet, even in your reality you can still see the other good things about yourself, and those should be enough for you to realize not to be down on yourself, or giving up on yourself. The only person that can change how you deal with you, is you. So if needed start by pushing those thoughts out of your mind that bring you down and make you give up. Verbally out loud say the positive things about yourself as often as you need to, to keep the negative, or self-defeating thoughts from coming back in.
Sorry for this little kinda kick in the pants, but I don’t want to see you giving up on yourself.
God Bless.
I think that’s a shame if most women don’t feel beautiful. We should. Really. I think we should.
But thank you for the comment and the encouragement. Sometimes a kick in the pants is good. :)
I too don’t feel beautiful. I feel fat, and frumpy, and very ‘plain-jane’. For so long I’ve thought “When I lose weight I’ll be beautiful” but in reality. I’m beautiful now. I just can’t see it. So I can completely relate to this post. If only we started seeing our selves the ways others do. And started treating our selves the way we treat others. ( I for one don’t look at someone and immediately ‘see’ flabby arms, fat tummy, big bum. I see them for who they are on the inside. But when it comes to my self, that is all that I see.
btw, you ARE beautiful
It’s a lot harder to treat ourselves nicely than it is to treat others nicely. Sad, but true. You are beautiful and so am I, even if it’s hard for us to see.
I am so sending you hugs! I am not the person to even talk to this as I have never felt cute or pretty or beautiful.. that is why I hate my pic taken. Yes, I am fit but I still want to be pretty..
I love that you are honest with us & you.. and me… we need to find our way.
.-= Jody – Fit at 52´s last blog ..The Workout – Artistic Creation! =-.
I hope this makes sense but I frequently FEEL BEAUTIFUL and then catch a glimpse in the mirror and the outside doesnt match the lovely I feel inside.
it’s the flip side of what youre experiencing but my two cents.
our brains are amazing malleable things and we can train them to think what we want.
for me lots of it was faking it until I made it—-and then avoiding mirrors 90% of the time.
xo xo
carla
.-= Miz´s last blog ..NO EXCUSES! exercise (part one). =-.
I highly appreciate your post.
.-= Mary Joy´s last blog ..Weight Loss Products: How to Spot a Scam =-.
I envy your outlook and personality. I’ve had a healthy bmi for the past few months, after being overweight/obese for years, and it has been magical. Major confidence boost and living is way easier in every way. I still have no personality. Oh well. I think with a healthy BMI you’d be totally set.
When I was young and dumb, I got a tattoo of roses down my spine. It’s a large tattoo — 4″ x 11″. This is my only tattoo. I didn’t feel beautiful; I tried to make myself beautiful. I got the idea after watching a movie. Now more than a decade later, I want to get rid of my tattoo because I don’t need it anymore. The tattoo is a crutch.
Sometimes learning how to feel positive about yourself is a life lesson that you’ll experience along the journey. Sometimes it takes time and PERSISTENT POSITIVITY. Our brains believe what we tell ourselves.
.-= Lee´s last blog ..Fatty Foods Can Make You Feel Yucky? Hmmmm…… =-.
You are adorable but I know it will mean nothing because I tell my wife who beautiful she is all the time. And I get I dont feel pretty all the time. lol I think its a matter of being too internal. I personally find I try not to be too internal because it becomes a pity party.
.-= Anthony´s last blog ..Cutting back on restaurants =-.
Yeah.
Please tell me that everyday. Hearing it from you helps. I get a little closer to always believing it. And I love hearing you say nice things about me. Hehe.
<3
My browser is blocking your pictures so I will take everyone’s word for it that you are beautiful. :) I’m sure you are. Not everyone is, though; it’s just a fact. I’m ugly (also aging and overweight — the killer trifecta!). No amount of “positive thinking” is going to change that fact. I’m hoping that if I can at least get through the rest of my life with dignity, and not get into situations where people will laugh at me, that’s about the most I can aspire to. I was married to a coldhearted man who pretty much eroded what little self-esteem I had. I left him 10 years ago and I’ve been so relieved to have men, with their sneering judgments and their fixation on appearances, completely out of my life since then. I had my lovely children to fill my life. Now they’re growing up & leaving the nest, and I’m just hoping to hang on to some dignity. I recently read in a book review, “For a woman considered seriously unattractive, perhaps the most humiliating thing of all is to be caught trying.” That kind of sums it up for many of us.
I’m sorry that somene who was supposed to love you did that to you. Luckily not all men are like that, but I’m sorry you went through it.
That quote is kind of sad, but it totally makes sense.
I think you’re hot.
WeighDownSouth.com
.-= Rob Dyess´s last blog ..Feel the fear and do it anyway!! =-.
It was my brothers. All the bad crap I’ve ever heard about myself came from the people closest to me, which is why it’s so hard to move past. But I’m working on it. I know eventually I’ll get over stuff.
I have to agree with Nomi – not everyone is beautiful. Some women are jaw-droppingly stunning, some are beautiful, some are pretty, some are average, some are plain, and some are ugly. And all the people who say ‘every woman is beautiful’ are just plain lying. Ask any 5 year old kid, and they’ll tell you straight who is beautiful, and who isn’t. There are gradations of attractiveness, and pretending otherwise is just bullsh*t that people pretend to believe, but don’t really.
At least that’s my opinion! :o)
You don’t FEEL beautiful, but you ARE beautiful. Enough people have told you so, and I imagine that on some level at least you must realise the truth in the statement, even if you can’t ‘see’ and ‘feel’ it for yourself. Your inability to see your own beauty is sad, but it puts you a mighty jump ahead of those of us who don’t FEEL beautiful, and AREN’T beautiful.
Some of us have never been told we’re beautiful. We didn’t hear it from our parents, we don’t hear it from friends or strangers, and (in my case at least) we don’t even hear it from our spouse. Never. Not once. Not even on our wedding day. And this is a man who I know loves me very very much. But even he doesn’t think I’m beautiful. I’m 44 years old, and I’ve never been told one single time in my entire life that I’m beautiful. And when I look in the mirror, I have to face the truth that by all objective measures, I’m not beautiful, and never will be. And no amount of self-denial is ever going to change that fact.
I have to somehow try to convince myself that being funny and smart and kind and generous and ‘beautiful on the inside’ is enough. And convince myself that it doesn’t really matter if I’m not beautiful, because there are a ton of things more important.
Most days I believe myself… and some days I don’t.
You are beautiful, and hopefully one day you’ll realise it. It shouldn’t be important, but in a society like ours, it unfortunately is!
Some of these comments are so odd, Merry. Im surely hoping that you are able to take each one with a grain of salt (i think thats the saying).
Each time I read your blog, i just get it. I understand it more than I want to sometimes. There are so many things about me that I think are unattractive, and I have tried all the positive affirmations too. I do get glimpses of a photo and think, “dang im cute there”. but I usually wonder how it happened, haha. At this point, I can remember only 15 pounds lighter feeling so much more free and beautiful because of the freedom and better health I had. I breathed easier, I fit clothes easier, heck, I walked easier. I really hope that when I get even down to 240, I will begin to feel that again… because I really need is right about now. For now, all I can do is put the effort into the little things like fun nail polish and cute underpants… and hope it’s enough to get me through the days.
.-= Whitney´s last blog ..Birthday Burgers =-.
I always take all comments on my blog with a grain of salt. As much as I LOVE the blog community, you guys don’t know me. So the comments are all taken with a hefty dose of salt… the only thing all day that involves salt in my world. ;)
Fun nail polish and cute underpants can get you a long way. Keep that up. ;)
I completely understand where you’re coming from. I’ve been struggling with something similar these past two weeks. I look at magazines and tv and I know I will never hit their standard, in weight or in beauty. I will probably never be beautiful. Striking, maybe. Unique, possibly. Beautiful, probably not. I’m not sure if I’m okay with that yet. After 33 years I’m still working on it and probably in 33 more years, I’ll still be working on it. And that, I’m okay with.
.-= Leaving Fatville´s last blog ..My trainer hearts me! =-.
I know EXACTLY what you mean. I’ve dealt with low self-esteem for most of my life, and a large part of it is not feeling beautiful (or, many days, even pretty) because of my weight. It’s a struggle, for sure, but one I’m working hard to overcome, much in the same way you are.
.-= Misty´s last blog ..Not an upbeat post =-.
Gosh. You ARE beautiful, Mary. And I think one day you will just randomly look in a mirror and see it. And be all shocked, and go, “hey! I AM beautiful!”
.-= Lyn´s last blog ..Strength Training & Feeling Great! =-.
Totally relate to this. Every single day!
Some days it is really hard to even feel human let alone beautiful! The great thing is that we know we aren’t alone in those bad hours when we feel like a swamp monster!
On really bad days, I think it is best to put on a facepack, get your eyebrows done (or something!) and focus on ONE body part you like!
Brothers suck!!! I love mine to death, but wow, they can be mean, esp during the first 20 years or so of their lives.
True that. They are all a lot nicer to me now that we are all 20 + but it’s hard to get over the past sometimes. I’m working on it though. :)
Oh, dear sweet Mary. This broke my heart.
Because they could have been words that came from me.
I know I’m smart. I know I’m witty. I know people love me. Most of the time, I think I’m cute.
And I can recount the three or four times in my life that I’ve ever felt beautiful. Even then, it was a temporary state. Because of a good hair day or a wedding dress or the day I discovered Spanx. Never because of what I inherently am every day.
Well said, my friend. Every heartbreaking word.
thank you.
I like to acquire breaks during the day and browse via some blogs to see what others are saying. This blog appeared in my searches and I could not help but clicking on it. I am happy I did because it was a very enjoyable read.