Worked out again at 6 am this morning. This will probably be the last week with 6 am workouts and I’ll go back to either after work or at least 7 am. Yeah, probably 7 am. Being done before work seems to be easier in my current situation.
Today’s workout = legs. Going down the stairs of the parking garage (I always park on 5th floor and take the stairs) my legs were crying. It was awesome.
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This morning I didn’t know what to eat post workout. When I got to work I realized I had some things to work with.
Like strawberry greek yogurt.
And my boss’s Jenny Craig cranberry almond cereal. (Um, I think she said I could have it. Because I did. And she read my blog. Thanks Lori?)
Together they made a good post workout snack/second breakfast for me.
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Current struggles: horrible family dynamics, no transportation, major lack of time to do healthy stuff, wedding planning, stress.stress.stress.stress, and not enough sleep.
It’s a lot, right?
But hey. Therapy is already helping me. I know I’m stronger than the craptastic situation I put myself in. I know it’s only a few months and I can survive it and go back to my much happier and less stressful life in NZ, hopefully still with a job.
I’m learning that I’m resilient.
I was taught to be quiet, to not express my needs, to not have any needs or wants or desires. I was taught that I wasn’t good enough and never would be. I was taught that I was less than. I’ve struggled my whole life because I was taught that I was weak and not up to withstanding challenges. I let myself believe it for a long time and that’s why I’ve struggled with so many things. It’s why I continue to struggle with achieving my full potential.
But I don’t believe that shit anymore. I don’t care what my family tried to make me believe about myself. I don’t care what they think is true.
I’m strong and can do anything I set my mind to. These struggles right now are nothing. They aren’t going to be excuses for me anymore because I now know that I’m truly strong enough to defeat them.
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It’s funny how people can get into your mind and leave stuff that sits around and comes up later in life. In so many ways.
My youngest brother last night said things to me that he thought would be hurtful. After yelling at my mom and me for hours he reached a point of frustration and decided to “not be nice anymore” and hurt my feelings (his words). Then he called me fat. He called me a fat bitch. He said no one liked me and no one would come around because of me. He said it would make me cry and he hoped I would go choke on some food.
(Yeah, he isn’t a nice person. He is however just like the other men in my family.)
I know he thought saying those things would hurt me. In the past they would have. I would have been upset. And I would have cried. And I would have eaten until I was sick enough to block out what just happened. I would have done what I was trained to do – feel hurt and weak and silently sulk off to tend to my wounds however I could.
That’s not what happened this time.
Instead, I fought back. I yelled too (although I hate doing that). I waited until he left and then… I didn’t eat. Instead of getting sad and hurt like I’m supposed to do, instead of feeling beaten down, I felt mad. Just mad. Mad that my family is like this. Mad that it has always been like this. Mad that I had hoped it would be different when I came back only to find out it was worse. I felt mad and I felt strong. I felt empowered because I finally realize I’m stronger than this shit.
I’m stronger than the people who tried to beat me down and I’m stronger than the people who still try. Even though I was taught to just take it and deal with it, I really don’t have to take verbal abuse (or any other kind) from anyone.
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How’s that for some therapy? I didn’t plan this post at all. I was going to write about food and then all this came out. Obviously it needed to and it did and now I can move on with my day. I hope you have a great one! :)
Great post Miss Mary.
Finding your voice is excellent. Fighting back is brilliant.
You’re taking giant steps — good on you :)
Good for you for feeling your feelings. That is what the work is all about. Just curious, did you ever finish reading that book your Therapist recommended? (It’s sooo good!!)
Oh yeah I did a while ago. I haven’t posted a follow up on it though. Will do soon(ish). ;)
Oh Mary…not going to say anything but this – I think you are an amazing, strong, incredible lady. So proud of you for fighting back!
Hi Mary.
All I can say is well done you! That must have been so hard and it shows that therapy is really helping you, which is fantastic :)
Sometimes you’ve just got to go with the flow of your writing :)
Enjoy the rest of your day!
My family has never been the people I could rely on. Never. Besides my mom, but obviously being part of this family she has her own issues. But I love her!
Did you like that brand/flavor of greek yogurt? That’s one I haven’t tried yet!
It’s decent! This is my first time trying it too. I liked the strawberry well enough. :)
YOU ARE VERY STRONG!
And what he said, even if in anger, was stupid an inconsiderate. And it’s amazing you actually fought back and stopped getting hurt. Don’t let these things get to you, you are BETTER and STRONGER and nothing should hurt you.
I love your idea with parking the car like this it “forces” you to move more and it’s just great. Your legs, while they ache now, can and will take it. Not to mention that all your efforts will show great results. It’s a long “trip”, but you know how to do this and you do seem like a very strong person. That’s all that counts.
Yep. There are some people who can only feel good about themselves by beating down other people. You are only a whipping girl if you allow it to happen. It’s unfortunate that sometimes we don’t realize that until we’re black and blue.
For me, it was my sister constantly beating me down. I finally realized when I met my future husband that if I let her continue to beat me down I would likely start to feel so bad about myself that I would let her sabotage my relationship with Scott. So, I fought back as well.
Now, I’m married and happy. My sister is no longer a part of my life, but that’s her choice not mine. I told her if she wanted a relationship with me, then there would be no more abuse because I wasn’t going to take it. She couldn’t stop, so I put a stop to it.
Yeah!! You are definitely stronger than that…and better than that. You rock!
I’ve dealt with similar family dynamics my whole life and finally put a stop to it with the two most poisonous members, my mother and her current husband. It’s really thrown me for a loop but I am stronger too. Finally.
Your family sounds rough, but I’m glad that you have finally learned your worth. I can’t imagine not binging after having such awful things said to me, so you have truly made a lot of progress! Well done!
Mary, I am so glad you are finding your voice & your stronger self! That therapy is helping! :-) Just always remember to say to yourself that it is not you, it is them or him in this case…..
I like getting the workout done first too!
Oh my. Your family sounds really awful. Reading this, I am really happy with my family, even though we don’t get along all the time. But no one EVER tries to hurt anyone else on purpose. I’m not sure I would put up with this. I’m so glad my sister is the best I could imagine
That makes me happy to hear. Honestly. Sometimes I get sad and jealous over families that get along well and genuinely love each other. All I’ve ever known is a family full of discord and a real desire to hurt each other. There are families that do that and everyone in it really is only out for themselves. So be grateful for your awesome family, even in the times when they are slightly less awesome. :)
Finding your voice is always the most amazing feeling. Good on you for standing up for yourself and not eating the pain away.
Mary , you have such inner strength ,both for facing
family demons head on without flinching but even more so to
be so open and honest with the world.
And most of all, I feel like cheering from the rooftops when
I hear people find that strength and realize they are worthy
of many,mnay good things in life. I am cheering for you and
hope to cheer more for myself too!
Here’s to strong people around the world,whether
a “good” family or a “crappy” family, family does not define us!!!
Good for you! Its really a shame your family can’t see and accept the awesomeness that your are. You’ll pull through this, and maybe some of your awesomeness will rub off on the others, and you’ll find your peace together.
Thank you so much for posting this. I finally feel like there is someone else in the world that knows exactly how I feel. Its so hard for others to understand why you feel you have little worth- and why you cave in to destructive behaviors.
My teens werent bad because I delt with these feelings with starvation- some how not eating made me feel better and in control. Now it is the complete opposite- I eat my feelings. I have really want to read that book you mentioned- it sounds like good insight. I hope you keep posting about your therapy sessions- they are great eye openers for me :)
Keep up the awesome work! And remember- you can change fat- but you cant change a$$hole! :)
Brava. You are awesome!
You’re an awesome person! Don’t let anyone let you down. Believe in yourself and the things that you are capable of doing. And always remind yourself that you are beautiful,especially to those people who love and appreciate you, and most especially to God.
I want to share to you this beautiful poem by Russell Kelfer:
You are who you are for a reason.
You’re part of an intricate plan.
You’re a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God’s special woman or man.
You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
You’re just what he wanted to make.
The parents you had were the ones he chose,
And no matter how you may feel,
They were custom-designed with God’s plan in mind,
And they bear the Master’s seal.
No, that trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into his likeness you’d grow.
You are who you are for a reason,
You’ve been formed by the Master’s rod.
You are who you are, beloved,
Because there is a God.
Oh my gosh! That’s so awful. In my mind, the only way I can attempt to justify it is to assume he’s only about 10 years old? At most? Because if he’s over 18, I can’t imagine he’d act that way, or that if he did, he’d be permitted to keep living under your parents’ roof. But if he’s 7 years old, which it sounds like based on his behavior, I guess maybe you can hope he’ll grow out of it? Ugh. Sorry you’re dealing with it, but glad you’re DEALING with it, instead of letting it deal with you…
Haha. Maybe in his mind he is 10. In real life he is actually 20. He is allowed to live with my mom because she doesn’t know how to get rid of him because he has taken the position of power/control because he realized if he acted just like my dad he could do that. It’s disgusting and sad.
Wow…Reading your posts sounds all too familiar, I could have written half of it myself. Just last night I had a huge fight with a family member and instead of yelling, because I hate it and I was just too tired, I walked right out the front door…in tears…:( Unfortunetely I was barefoot and I walked down a hill and up another hill…my feet hurt by the time I got back, but I was proud of myself for not eating my way through it! I am glad you stood up for yourself and also resisted the soothing and comfort of food. Sometimes I wish he hit me rather than yelled hurtful things to me, but then again, if he hit me, I’d probably wish he only yelled. Why are some people so mean?
I’m proud of you for doing that instead of yelling. Sometimes escaping is all you can do.
Hi Mary!
I think it’s inspirational that you found your inner strength and stood up for yourself. I always find it hard to do that in relationships because of part experiences growing up. It’s similar to your situation but not as hurtful. I cannot believe your brother could be so hurtful, in the end he is hurting himself by not having such a great person as a sister when he pushes you away. I say throw some F bombs and a middle finger in the air as you walk away..or that’s just me ;)
Hey Mary– that is horrible that your brother would say that, i really can’t believe that anyone could be that mean, he will regret it when he gets older, because stuff like that doesn’t get forgotten. i’m sorry you have to deal with that :( stay strong!
I am so happy that you fought back! Good for you, Mary! Nobody should accept to be talked to that way, family or not. Let that madness go out, sometimes, it is really liberating!
great steps you took to be so strong in your plan to stand up to your brother good job what he did was stupid an inconsiderate for you and your family and glad you found that voice to do what was right.