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A Merry Life

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In Which I Admit My Flaws

December 14, 2010 by Mary

This post may contain affiliate links. Please read my disclosure for details.

Sometimes it feels like there is a war going on inside of me.

There are two warriors. There is the old me – the depressed, lonely, anxious fat girl with no power that let life pass her by.  And there is the new me – the happy triathlete wannabe who does crazy things like bungy jumping and moving across the world. These two parts of me seem to be constantly at odds despite my attempts to rid myself of the old me.

Usually new me wins. I go to the gym, I socialize, I enjoy my life so freaking much. Really. I do. Because it’s pretty awesome.

But sometimes? Sometimes the old me wins a battle. I skip the gym. I eat to comfort myself. I skip on an exciting opportunity for no good reason. The old me won’t win the war, but she definitely still wins some battles.

The worst battles are the ones involving anxiety. Have I ever told you I’m an anxious person? It seems to have only gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. For the most part I’m a pretty laid back girl, but some situations cause me such extreme anxiety that it interferes with other aspects of my life.  Two of the worst causes of anxiety for me are 1) money and 2) social situations.

Money has always been something I’ve struggled with. My family imparted really messed up methods of dealing with money, especially the father and grandmother who gave and withheld money as a form or love or rejection.  I grew up poor (at least I thought I was) and after college I never outgrew the college budget or the income. That means money has always been stressful for me, especially around Christmas time. I’m an anxious mess whenever I look at my bank accounts.

Social situations are even worse. I would guess I have social anxiety disorder (I’m also a hypochondriac with a horrible habit of self-diagnosis via web research). Speaking in front of people is my number one fear. I was asked to speak at Fitbloggin next year but I probably will never speak at a blog conference. Even the thought of it causes a pit of anxiety to settle in my gut.

I’ve skipped countless number of things because of anxiety – college interviews, job interviews, parties, conferences. In college I did my best to avoid public speaking and managed to skip most classes with any form of it. Yes, even speaking in front of a group of twenty people I’ve known for a year causes me to freak out.  It makes me sad that routime situations for other people cause me so much anxiety.

Anxiety is a bitch.

Really.

The anxious part of me is something that I associate with the old me. It feels unhealthy and therefore it should be part of the unhealthy me, right? Something I can conquer and move on from. But sometimes that part of me wins battles. I miss chances to really live my life.

I hate the anxiety. I hate that it holds me back. I hate that it consumes so much of my time and brain power to deal with it. I hate that it’s even an issue for me.

I’m not sure why I wanted to write about this today. I guess I just needed to confess these things. To reach out for..something. It’s almost scarier to admit you struggle with anxiety than to deal with it. Maybe this is just my first step.

Filed Under: Emotional Health


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Comments

  1. Maggie @ Looking For My Feet says

    December 14, 2010 at 3:09 am

    Do you find the anxiety is lessening as you lose weight or growing? I always thought it would lessen for me as I got thinner and fitter, but I find myself increasingly uncomfortable in my skin.

    It takes guts to write a post like this one….well done!

    • Mary says

      December 14, 2010 at 4:12 am

      Right now I’m at a very uncomfortable place with my body, which is one reason why I think the anxiety is so strong. I’m not as big now but I’m not as comfortable with my body either and that contributes to the social anxiety A LOT.

      • Tara Kieninger says

        December 14, 2010 at 6:13 pm

        Mary – I totally get this. I don’t like the way I look so I don’t want any attention either. If I can’t look at myself (I avoid looking in mirrors, especially full-length ones) without thinking negative thoughts, then I feel like others can’t either. I know this is faulty reasoning though, because I have friends/family who are overweight and I don’t “see” their weight….I “see” the person. I’ve always been self-conscious though. I’m envious of those who have an outgoing personality despite their weight. Hoping we can both find some ways to get past the anxiety.

  2. Nicole, RD says

    December 14, 2010 at 6:09 am

    I get anxious about money and public speaking, too. This time of year is so stressful with money unnecessarily so…it’s just way more spending than other months of the year!

  3. Jenn says

    December 14, 2010 at 6:36 am

    Hi, from a fellow anxiety sufferer. Anxiety is a bitch. Mine causes extreme insomnia and so I go to a therapist and take medication because I realized it was making me someone,i didn’t want to be. I want to be social and confident without constantly worrying about everything so much I can’t sleep. From experience I can tell you that your wedding will be anxiety inducing at first but its so worth it. Just let go and have fun its a day that you will never forget. If you ever need someone to talk to please feel free to contact me by email. I totally understand what you are going through!

    • Mary says

      December 14, 2010 at 2:11 pm

      Thanks Jenn. I’ve just accepted that their will be anxiety around the wedding but it’s something I’m willing to work past because the actual day will be awesome. :) Thanks again!

  4. Lynn C says

    December 14, 2010 at 7:29 am

    I totally get you, dear. Totally.

    Ok, well, I don’t get the speaking in public part, but that’s never bothered me. Mentally, I understand people are shy, but I don’t really understand it. I’m not shy.

    But I am anxious. When I was actually spending money for therapy, my therapist defined me as Bipolar Disorder with Situational Anxiety. Which sounds like the lamest thing ever… situational anxiety!? As if. Of COURSE if there’s a situation, I’m going to be anxious about it. duH! But as time went on, I came to realize that it more means my coping with a situation is broken…

    It’s taken a lot of time and work to get to function like I believe a “normal” person should… and I backslide. all the time. But it’s worth it to keep going.

  5. Kimberly says

    December 14, 2010 at 7:35 am

    I have severe anxiety in social situations. There are times I would rather have a root canal without anesthesia than go to a social event. I get there and then I feel like I can’t breathe. It is awful. The thing is, I thought this was all due to my weight and how I perceived myself but as the weight came off it is still there. It cripples me at times. I get why you won’t speak at a conference. That would cause me to have a stroke or something.

    You are really not alone in this at all.

  6. Emily says

    December 14, 2010 at 7:47 am

    You know I’m with you 100% in this. Money? It is my #1 source of anxiety. I have a boatload of debt from undergrad and grad school financed 100% on student loans and credit cards. At the end of the day, I have to just remind myself that I’m doing the best I can and making progress. I try to work hard and hope I can keep working hard long enough to see my way out of this tunnel. Promise I’m not trying to turn this into all about me – just want you to know that you’re not alone, not one iota.

    I started therapy last week and had an anxiety attack last night over how much it could end up costing me over a year, plus the medication evaluations which aren’t covered under insurance. At this point though, an anxiety and depression free life is more important than daily Starbucks and eating out.

    • Mary says

      December 14, 2010 at 2:14 pm

      Feel free to use the comments here to talk about yourself 100% of the time. Seriously, I get tired of talking/hearing about myself. ;)

      I agree that therapy is worth it. Living without those things would improve your quality of life so much that there can’t be a price tag on that kind of thing. I understand the anxiety around credit cards. I’m paying off cards now that were used when I graduated to cover living expenses and sometimes family expenses. The amount is so ridiculous compared to my income and the progress is so slow that I can’t stop feeling anxious when I think about it.

  7. Roxie says

    December 14, 2010 at 7:56 am

    This post of yours couldn’t have been so well timed with my life if you tried! I had a nice little breakdown last night.

    Money is the #1 stresser in my life. Christmas time makes it worse. It’s gotten exponentially worse since having my son. My hubby and I lived well, always with a surplus in our account. Children are much, much more expensive than I ever imagined. His daycare expense alone is like another mortgage. Sometimes, no matter how much we stick to our budget, it feels like we can’t dig ourselves out.

    Top that with my body issues and the anxiety is overwhelming. I think as I have lost weight, I’m totally more conscious of my body and those around me. I used to be very comfortable in my skin, I hope I get back to that point.

    *hugs* you are definitely not alone.

    • Mary says

      December 14, 2010 at 2:15 pm

      Can we all just quit Christmas? It seems like it causes the anxiety in all of us to flare up!

      Thanks Roxie.

  8. Lori Lynn says

    December 14, 2010 at 8:16 am

    So hear ya on that one! I struggle with the ‘old’ and that ‘new’ self as well, and it is really hard not to go back to the old habits. I don’t like speaking in front of other people too– It seems when I do, my brain shuts down, and I can’t think!

  9. jessey says

    December 14, 2010 at 8:48 am

    I hear you. I have an extreme fear of public speaking. I was so scared to stand up in front of my friends and family at my wedding but in the end, it wasn’t that bad.

    I’ve been at my job for 11 years and there have been countless times I think I should have left for something new, but that would require job interviews and I want to avoid that.

    Money is the #1 stressor in the world. Especially at this time of year.

  10. Angelika says

    December 14, 2010 at 9:02 am

    Oh Mary – I’m so sorry you deal with anxiety. I’ve dealt with crippling anxiety for nearly 10 years and I too hate how it has a “say” in how I live my life. Zoloft has helped me tremendously but it doesn’t take it all away. For what it’s worth – I don’t think I would ever be brave enough to move across the world…that right there would send me into an anxious tailspin for month. Yup – I think you are pretty brave and fabulous!

    • Mary says

      December 14, 2010 at 2:17 pm

      Aw, thank you! I think up until college I let my anxiety rule me way more than it should have. In college when I finally started losing weight and gaining a little confidence and perspective I realized how many things I had really missed out on because of that. I made myself go after things and do scary things (study abroad, move abroad) that felt worth it. But I still can’t overcome tiny things like speaking in front of crowds. I guess the bravery just comes out for things that I think will be really amazing.

  11. M says

    December 14, 2010 at 9:12 am

    My anxiety about social situations always is related to my weight/body issues-the more overweight I am,the more I resist social engagements/public speaking.
    I just want to hide when I feel really fat.
    When I am feeling good about weight and prettier ,then I am more excited about social events and don’t have the same stress/worry about it all….

  12. Jennie says

    December 14, 2010 at 10:33 am

    Before I got married, I absolutely DREADED the wedding because I couldn’t stand the idea that I would be the center attraction- that everyone would be looking at me, focusing on ME. I made myself sick over it!

    And then at the wedding…it was fine. It was great! I even remember saying to a close friend who knew about my fears, “It’s actually not bad!”

    So relax. Save yourself all that worry. It will be fine, you’ll love saying your vows and you will have a blast!

  13. Alicia says

    December 14, 2010 at 11:36 am

    Your not alone in your anxiety. I think it’s something that “the fat” brings with it. If that makes sense. My husband got me a full hour massage for my birthday but I couldn’t go because of the anxiety. I was afraid the person would be judging my body the whole time. I also self-diagnose. This last week I developed a bump on my leg and almost broke down in the doctors office thinking it was a blood clot and then the doctor looked at it and says it’s not a blood clot but she doesn’t know what it is, but she thinks it’s something dermatological. So now I have to wait for a dermatologist apt. for next month but EVERY night I spend time looking up possible diagnoses. For a day I thought it was a tumor. Today, it’s starting to go away. After reading you blog, I don’t feel like a nut at all. We’re not alone! Your not alone.

    • Mary says

      December 14, 2010 at 2:19 pm

      That does make sense.

      And for the record? I probably would have thought the same things about my leg. I’m JUST LIKE THAT. Seriously. It almost made me laugh when I read your comment. I do that exact same thing whenever I have a new medical issue.

  14. Kendra says

    December 14, 2010 at 1:10 pm

    Oh girl, I totally understand what you’re talking about. Anxiety really is a bitch. It makes you unable to properly deal with all the things you are anxious about and perpetuates the problem.

    Cutting out sugar has been the absolute best tool for me in the management of anxiety.

  15. Cilla says

    December 14, 2010 at 1:40 pm

    I absolutely hear you, Mary, and I found myself nodding as I read your post. I love the way you approach discussing topics like this so frankly.

    Anxiety is a horrid, horrid thing to feel. Mine isn’t chronic, but there are situations where it does make me feel paralysed and it does interfere with parts of my life. Mine typically comes from feeling awkward and shy in social situations; heights (Even contemplating bungy jumping would send me cowering and shivering with anxiety), speaking to strangers on the telephone, situations where I have no control of things, and fear of being late for anything (airports and flights are the worst).

    Looking at the other commenters, you’re absolutely not alone in it. I’m not sure I have good advice for fixing it because I’ve never found a cure-all solution. I do have to say that having a relaxed and calm husband to sooth my spiky edges does help.

  16. Jody - Fit at 53 says

    December 14, 2010 at 1:58 pm

    Mary, I think many of us can relate. People think I am all outgoing & stuff but I really am quite shy. Like you, I dread parties & all the “having to think of something witty to say…. and on the public speaking, I have done it & always scared but people say I do well.. which is weird to me.

    We all have “these things” But you have so many great things to be proud of & you can work on the other stuff! :-) Look at all you have done so far!

  17. Hanlie says

    December 14, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    What if we are not meant to overcome all our fears? What if we are simply meant to accept some of them? It’s that whole perfection thing again…

    See, I love music and there is nothing I would love more on this earth than to be musical. I can take lessons till I’m blue in the face, but I’m never going to be musical. That doesn’t make me a lesser person though.

    Some people can easily talk in front of others. You can’t. I can’t either. So, we won’t be joining Toastmasters. But you write beautifully and in a heartfelt way. That is your strength. And it’s a great one!

    • Mary says

      December 14, 2010 at 2:37 pm

      You make a good point. I’m not sure if I fully agree because I think people can change, but I am all about embracing our stengths as people. I write blogs because yes, I can’t give speeches without anxiety. Writing is natural for me where speaking (in front of people) is not. I’m definitely all for embracing strengths, but I don’t know if I would write off the ability to change. Maybe you wouldn’t be “musical” with lessons but you could learn to play. Maybe I wouldn’t be an anxiety free amazing performer, but I could learn to give a talk in front of people. I don’t know.

  18. Susan says

    December 14, 2010 at 3:55 pm

    Mary – I was diagnosed with agoraphobia when I dropped out of highschool due to my social anxiety. It’s tough, and I think something too many people take too lightly. There’s being “shy” and then there’s being so scared of a social situation that it makes you feel physically ill. 10 years later, for the most part, my days are good. I make it out of the house, interact with people, lead a normal, even exciting life. But there are still things I can’t do. Like going to my staff party last night – I stayed home because I knew it would just be WAY too overwhelming.

    My only advice is to challenge your anxiety, but not too much. I worked as a reporter where I was forced to speak to strangers everyday. It left me drained and depressed. Now I work a job where I’m one-on-one with people and it’s the perfect balance of social stimulation for me. Also, know that I’m here if you even need someone to talk you throughout it. Cause dude, I’ve been there <3

  19. Rachel Wilkerson says

    December 14, 2010 at 4:48 pm

    I struggle with anxiety still…it was worse in high school, when I did have social anxiety disorder and missed a huge chunk of my senior year. These days, it’s more about the adult stuff — money is a MAJOR one. I was just talking to Leah about anxiety earlier today and she told me something I had to share…she said that when she gets upset or stressed or anxious, she reminds herself that she’s just telling herself a story. When you’re thinking you’re going to mess up your vows, you’re just telling yourself a story. It’s so simple, but I think it’s a nice little reminder!

    • Mary says

      December 14, 2010 at 5:01 pm

      Thanks for sharing that. I’ll try to remember that in the stressful situations.

  20. merri says

    December 14, 2010 at 6:33 pm

    It seems like a lot of people have some anxiety, some are just able to hide it better. Or, we always assume other people don’t. Seeing you doing all these big things all the time, I would assume you are a big extrovert with no anxiety, which is obv not true. I hate talking on the phone. I can if it’s with someone I’m really comfy with, but I hate answering it at work, or calling places even to order food (though that’s partially cuz of my bad hearing too). I don’t even like talking to some friends or my brother or stuff. I have no troubles with speaking in front of others, like in a speech or something, but I hate bars and parties, where the main thing is to stand around and make small talk. I HATE small talk. I never know what to say. It’s boring. I forget to pay attention. People think I’m bitchy. So, I usually stay home, and I’m horrible at making friends. I don’t know whether that’s anxiety or just a I’m horrible at being social and relating to people disorder, but it amounts to the same thing. And I definitely always worry about $. Other people are oh who cares if that bill doesn’t get paid, or my taxes arent done and I’m oh no! what will happen! Youll go to jail! And plus im always scared that when I get older or if I lose my job, ill be on the streets. Hey, but it happens!

  21. KCLAnderson (Karen) says

    December 15, 2010 at 7:21 am

    Sorry I am so late to the game here, but my own anxiety has kept me distracted and shut down lately…after just one therapy session I am having some freaking MAJOR ah-ha moments though so stay tuned to my blog ;-)

    Therapy might not in the cards for you right now but I can highly suggest two books, one that will make sense and one that will not: “The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook” (4th edition) by Bourne and “The Gifts Of Imperfection” by Brené Brown. Put them on your wish list. I have and am reading both.

    The workbook, at first, was overwhelming to me but I think it’s because I was in the thoes of panic. Now that I’ve been able to take a step back from it, I can see it will be a useful tool.

    The other book is just sheer genius! Here’s a blurb: “Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.” ~ Brené Brown, from her book The Gifts of Imperfection

    • Mary says

      December 15, 2010 at 2:58 pm

      Thanks for the book recommendations. Therapy definitely isn’t an option currently but self-therapy always is! I’ll add those to my wishlist and hopefully get around to them soon. :)

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