Thank you all for the kind thoughts on the loss of our dog. He really was the best and we all loved him so much. Luckily I have a fluffy kitty to keep me company and remind me that life and love goes on.
This little kitty seems to think he knows how to work a computer (opens iTunes every time he sits on the keyboard) and always likes to sleep near me when I’m blogging. He is a good little blogging assistant.
Last night I did a very bad thing to myself. I weighed myself.
I don’t know why I did it. It was stupid, really. I normally weigh myself in the mornings, before eating or drinking. That’s the number I’ve been tracking more or less all this time. But lately I’ve been hopping on the scale at other times too, including night time before bed. I think I’m getting ever more obsessed with what I weigh and it’s partly due to the wedding and the constant talk from other brides about weight loss for the wedding (at least on blogs and message boards).
So last night I decided to get on the scale and weigh myself even though I knew it was a bad idea. I had just eaten a relatively big really salty dinner and drank a ton of water. I hadn’t gotten rid of much else in my stomach for a few days either (one reason I need to return to gluten free eating). Here I am feeling bloated and heavy and generally not the best and I decide it’s a perfect time to weigh myself.
I was asking for a reason to attack myself.
And attack I did. As soon as I saw the number I freaked out then immediately started beating myself up. This rarely happens to me because I know it’s just a number on the scale. But in the moment I hated myself. I hated what I’d done. I hated the scale was so high (in my mind). I felt like I’d ruined everything and I’d always be a fat girl and would just have to get used to being a fat bride. It was hard for me to fall asleep because I just couldn’t stop the self-hating script running through my mind.
Ugh. Why did I do that to myself?
The next morning I feel better both physically and mentally. The scale dropped back down several pounds and likely will drop another couple from water weight by tomorrow. I know how it works and I know what was happening. Yet for some reason I decided to allow some part of me to freak out and attack myself over that number. I wish I hadn’t done that and had stayed rational or better yet… stayed off the scale. I’ve learned it is just a number to me and I can look at it scientifically if I weigh at the same time in the same conditions. Variations apparently freak me out and I lose the ability to look at the situation intelligently instead of irrationally.
Today I’m rational and calm and following my plan. The scale is tucked away and I’m not getting on it again for a few days. After that incident it is clear that we need to spend some time apart.
Do you ever freak out when you see a number on the scale? How do you approach weighing yourself?