THE MEETING

I stood outside the doors fighting back tears. I knew it was silly to cry, but I couldn’t help it.

I wanted to run away.

In a way I was crying out of pure frustration. How could I possibly be having so much anxiety over going to the gym? I’ve been going to the gym 4-5 times a week for the last few months. It’s a comfortable place for me. I enjoy it. Yet the idea of having a meeting with a trainer had me so tied up in knots that I was ready to run home. And that fact made me want to cry.

Logically I knew it wouldn’t be a big deal. It would be a five minute meeting where we talked about my goals and he weighed me. Easy, right? Yet somehow before I actually walked through the gym doors my brain had turned it into an experience to fear. WEIGH IN OF DOOM! RUN! LEAVE! AVOID AWFUL EMBARRASSING SITUATION!! Those initial thoughts led to more anxiety which led to physical symptoms which led to the tears of frustration over the fact that this was happening to me.

I knew I had to stop it before it became a full blown attack so I forced myself to walk inside and ask for my trainer. I had a few minutes to calm down before he came and weighed me in. It was actually an awesome meeting. He told me that he had noticed me in the gym training hard and that I just needed to keep that up and keep my eating in check. Despite the scale numbers it was really motivating to hear that and realize that I am doing well and the people around me recognize that. Hurray validation!

Obviously I had gotten myself worked up over nothing. I wish this didn’t happen to me all the time.

ANXIETY

After admitting I deal with anxiety last week I’ve actually for once in my life let it sink in. Today’s meeting with the trainer only further cemented the fact that this is something that is real and I need to address.

Up until this point in my life I simply ignored the anxiety. My mom is very anxious person and deals with this kind of stuff (and so does at least one sibling I believe), which made me want to be free from it. I didn’t want to be labeled with the same problems so I worked around the anxiety. When anxiety caused me to miss out on an experience I made up other reasons why it didn’t work out. When anxiety caused me to shut myself off from people I decided it was just because a character flaw that made people reject me. Whenever anxiety crippled me in life I gave myself other reasons for the events so I wouldn’t have to face the real facts. Anything other than admitting that I too had all this unreasonable anxiety inside me.

There is still a social stigma associated with mental disorders. People who don’t deal with things like anxiety don’t understand. They just don’t understand how your mind can turn on you and make you dread something so much you have a physical reaction.

In the past month my anxiety has been worse than ever. I had the experience outside the gym, the one at the pool last week where the overcrowded pool caused me to turn and flee before even going inside, I turned down a job interview – all because of the anxiety inside me regarding social situations.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health:

Anxiety is a normal reaction to stress. It helps one deal with a tense situation in the office, study harder for an exam, keep focused on an important speech. In general, it helps one cope. But when anxiety becomes an excessive, irrational dread of everyday situations, it has become a disabling disorder. Anxiety is a normal reaction to stress. It helps one deal with a tense situation in the office, study harder for an exam, keep focused on an important speech. In general, it helps one cope. But when anxiety becomes an excessive, irrational dread of everyday situations, it has become a disabling disorder.

Social phobia, also called social anxiety disorder, is diagnosed when people become overwhelmingly anxious and excessively self-conscious in everyday social situations. People with social phobia have an intense, persistent, and chronic fear of being watched and judged by others and of doing things that will embarrass them. They can worry for days or weeks before a dreaded situation. This fear may become so severe that it interferes with work, school, and other ordinary activities, and can make it hard to make and keep friends.

While many people with social phobia realize that their fears about being with people are excessive or unreasonable, they are unable to overcome them. Even if they manage to confront their fears and be around others, they are usually very anxious beforehand, are intensely uncomfortable throughout the encounter, and worry about how they were judged for hours afterward.

Social phobia can be limited to one situation (such as talking to people, eating or drinking, or writing on a blackboard in front of others) or may be so broad (such as in generalized social phobia) that the person experiences anxiety around almost anyone other than the family.

Physical symptoms that often accompany social phobia include blushing, profuse sweating, trembling, nausea, and difficulty talking. When these symptoms occur, people with social phobia feel as though all eyes are focused on them.

I wish this didn’t describe me EXACTLY. I’ve lived the majority of my life like this and I wish that the anxiety stuff wasn’t only getting worse. I’ve always called this blog cheap therapy because it’s an outlet where I can work through things like this (even if it is slightly embarrassing). This is just another thing that I’m dealing with right now and I feel that writing and thinking about it helps.

Someone asked the other day why every other post is about how miserable I am (which, for the record, is not something I have ever said). To be honest, this is a huge reason why you get that impression.  Anxiety and depression are two things that are pretty closely linked and something that affects me. Sometimes these things make it harder for me to live up to my goal of being healthy and happy, but that is always my goal and something I’m constantly working towards. It’s a journey.

The next step for me is obviously seeking help in some form, whether that is just online support somewhere or therapy or trying alternative forms of treatment like more Vitamin D. [:)]  I’m not sure yet what the next step is, but I’m not too proud to ask for help.

When my half-sister committed suicide two years ago because of depression I vowed that I would live my life the best that I could and not let my own depression ever rule me again.  I made a promise to myself because watching her die and the pain it caused my mom and everyone in that room broke my heart.  It changed something inside of me that made me want to live more boldly and break past the same problems she was never able to conquer.

I promised that I would never give up; I would never let anything stop me from truly living.

I’m not going to let this stop me anymore either.