Yesterday might have been a crappy day, but I knew today was going to be better. It was better.
I had a great day at work but around 1:30 I started to get nervous about my first therapy appointment. It started with some online comments that I let get me a bit upset then it spiraled from there so my anxiety settled on the appointment. I was nervous. I knew it would be good for me but an hour before I needed to leave I started my old habit of trying to come up with excuses not to go.
Though I came up with some good excuses I decided not to use them and instead reached out to my community on Twitter. I asked for love and encouragement and they gave it to me. I appreciated it so much because it propelled me happily towards the therapy appointment that I knew would be good for me.
I went into the first session a bit anxious but very optimistic overall. I knew that this would be good for me no matter what happened. I just had one of those feelings.
I wrote a list of questions I had before hand but for the most part I just wanted to go with the flow. I found out that with my therapist she wants you to attend once a week sessions as well as do work on your own between sessions. I got to know a little bit more about what she will expect and what I can expect and I liked what I found out. She was very friendly and professional and I think it will be a good fit.
The actual session itself was mostly a get to know Mary session. She asked me a lot of questions about my life and I talked about things in my life for an hour. Part of the time I really enjoyed that. I love talking about myself (I am a blogger after all).
It wasn’t all fun and games though. I cried. I cried several times, actually. I cried when I talked about almost every one of my family members. I cried when my therapist asked more questions about situations that hurt me. I cried when she asked if the situations hurt. I didn’t want to cry, but I couldn’t help it. I was completely honest and open with her when she asked questions. You know how honest I am on the blog, so just think about that times 10 because I could talk about things I can’t in this space. It was hard but freeing at the same time, even with the tears.
I realized that certain areas of my life are complete triggers in regards to binge eating and other negative habits and emotions. In just one session talking about my history it was glaringly obvious what some of my biggest problems were (I’ve also talked about some of this on the blog before). I have a feeling further sessions are going to revolve around some of these issues. There will probably be more crying. A lot more. But working through these things means I will be headed in the right direction.
We talked about books and the fact that some of my “homework” will be reading. I told her I have several binge eating and food issues related books at home that people have sent me but I’ve never read. It’s true, I’ve got them but I haven’t read them because I was hoping I could completely fix myself through my own willpower. That didn’t work since I fall back into these patterns in certain situations, so now I get to read books. My first assignment is to read When Food is Love by Geneen Roth.(Wanna read it as I read it? That could be fun!)
Overall I feel like the session went really well. I feel like I chose the right person for my therapist and she will honestly help me heal. She also made me feel better about the situation because she said I’m far ahead of the game in my first session since I know who I am in life and what I like and what I want out of it. She also said I was doing good knowing what my problem is, what the main stresses/causes are, and how to *sometimes* prevent it. I still have a lot of work to do, obviously, but it was good to hear that I at least have already gotten myself going along this road.
The good moments in my first therapy session weren’t as numerous as the sad ones. Talking about things brought out a lot of sore sports and a lot of sadness and hurt. I cried a lot and I left feeling tired and emotionally drained. I cried more on the way to the car. Even though I felt like the therapy session had went well it still took a lot out of me and made me feel slightly awful after leaving. Part of this process is just feeling those feelings and working through them so even though it hurt it felt appropriate. It hurt, but it was needed. Much like what I think the rest of therapy will be like.
After therapy I felt weighed down by a million pounds. After two hours at the gym including some heavy weights, running, and yoga I feel as light as a feather and happier than I’ve been all day. There is more than one form of therapy.