Yesterday’s post about the struggle with failure elicited a lot of interesting comments. (By the way, if you haven’t left a comment there, go do it so you could possibly win a $50 gift card from Dick’s Sporting Goods. Ends today.) The comments made me think and now it’s time to share my thoughts with you.
You see, I got scared when I got close to 200 on the scale. I got scared when I realized that I was almost to the end of finishing what I started. My goal was to be under 200 pounds and it felt CLOSE. So mentally I freaked. I got scared and I let the bingey complusive eating monster climb into my head and control my actions. Yes, I know that really I’m in control of my actions, but somehow it didn’t feel that way. It felt like I stepped back and let something else take control.
Why did it happen? Why did it continue to happen for several days? Once I slipped out of the groove I had been in it felt extremely hard to get back to into it. It’s easy to build up good habits and routines, but once they are broken it’s incredibly easy to let them completely disappear. That’s why it lasted longer than I wish it had. It’s not something that is going to completely throw me off of this lifestyle because slipping up doesn’t mean giving up. But why did it happen in the first place? Why does someone doing so well suddenly stop and seemingly do the opposite of everything good? If you are new to my blog then let me tell you now – I like to examine the “whys” behind my actions, even when it’s not fun.
The mindshift that occured for me was so subtle. As I said, I went from thinking “I’m doing this!” to “I hope I don’t fail to do this…” And that is what sparked the change and the feeling of being out of control, which led to actually being out of control. But why did a subtle shift in thinking make that happen?
For me, my journey is almost ALL in my head. Sure there is some physical aspects to it – I have to work out and cook healthy food for myself – but really it’s all mental.
For me it’s all mental because my overeating stems from my thoughts telling me food is what I need. It’s what I need to cope. It’s what I need to feel better. When I am overeating it’s not because I’m hungry. I might think to myself “I’m hungry” but physically I’m not. I know this. But I think “I’m hungry” to give myself an excuse to do it anyway. That’s what I do when I my thoughts turn negative (thinking about failing) and I feel like nothing else will fix it. Bad habits that I’m still trying to break, for sure, but at least I’m aware of what I’m doing.
But more than just that, this happened because I couldn’t envision the future. I couldn’t see myself being smaller, thinner, stronger, better. All the things I say I want (and really do want) are hard for me to envision. For this to work you have to see yourself as a completely new person and that’s hard.
Michelle left me a good comment that made me think about these things:
The thing is…is that you have to shift from the ‘dieting/losing weight’ mentality to one whereby you believe that you ARE that person who is under 200lbs.
It hit me last night..that you are what you believe. If you believe that you’ll freak out when you get to 200lbs..you will. If you believe that you’ll get to 180lbs…you will.
My problem is that I am having trouble believing I will be that person under 200 lbs or at 150 lbs. The concept is so far from anything I know as a reality that I can’t even imagine it. And since I can’t imagine it being real, when I get close to it I get scared. It’s a complete unknown for me and that’s scary. Scary enough for me to react in a way that keeps me safe in the status quo. Even if I’m not where I want to be, I’m still used to it. It’s comfortable. I know how to function here.
It’s almost the same reason I’m living at home again, despite knowing that it’s a bad environment for me that has twice caused me to slide into morbid obesity. (Well, besides trying to save money for an expensive move around the world.) I hate it here, it’s bad for me, yet I know how to function. I might not be at my best, but I’m used to it. I’m used to the negativity, the hatred toward me, the worry and anxiety that comes with that and eventually causes me to break and turn to food. It’s not the best place for me, it’s hurting me, yet I’m here mostly because I’m used to it. It’s the same way with my fat. I hate it and wish it wasn’t my reality, but since I can’t really envision anything else I stick with it. I keep it around. I freak when I think I will be without it. It’s a suffocating security blanket.
Just like Michelle’s comment, Holly left me a comment that made me think about how to move on from all this:
My latest beliefs center on “Fake it ’til you make it” or “act as if”.
She said a lot of other good things, but what stood out to me was fake it til you make it. Considering my brain already works this way in reverse – convincing me that I should eat even when I’m not hungry – this could probably work. But I would have to force myself to think and act as if I’m already at my goal. As if I’m not still severely obese. As if I’m under 200 lbs. As if I’m already a runner. As if all my goals are easily within reach instead of seeming like mountains. Can I do that? Can I fake it til I make it. It seems like I need to try. If I could just wrap my head around this idea, around the idea of being a completely new person, maybe it will work. It sounds good so that is what I’m going to try to do.
Somehow the mental games will have to be won. Because no matter how long it takes me, I’m not giving up on changing my life for the better. That’s not even an option. The number one reason why I blog is because I figure if I make this journey public it’s not something I can quit. It’s not like I can just give up. I can fail over and over again but as long as I’m still trying and still make forward progress then it’s okay. 200 will eventually be something that has been conquered and is long behind me. It won’t forever be my stumbling block.
So I’m picking myself up after the last several days and moving on. I’m changing the way I’m thinking. I’m changing my outlook. I’m moving on and continuing to change my life.
If you have been having trouble or have been in a slump and encourage you to do it with me. Decide today that you want to change. Decide that you need to think differently. Decide that you want to examine the why behind your actions and then change it.
It’s a lot easier to just function and survive than to examine your life in order to make it better and truly live. It’s a lot easier to just give up and not strive to make things happen that you want. Thank goodness easy isn’t what I’m aiming for. I hope it’s not what you are aiming for either. Changing your life is hard. No one said it was easy. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it is painful, sometimes it is embarrassing, and sometimes it doesn’t work the first time. But it is possible.
w00t! You can do it Mary! Keep it up!
I’ve had many conversations with my “used-to-be-fat-but-is-now-skinny” friend to this affect…making the mental change is almost harder than making the physical change.
.-= Lauren´s last blog ..Monday Weigh-in and New Exercise Regimen! =-.
I think making the mental change is the most important part. That’s what my “used-to-fat-but-now-are-skinny” friends say too.
It is scary to think that you could be someone different. Especially when you have lived your whole life as something else. Unknown is scary, but also exciting and liberating and a challenge and so many other good things. This is so cliche but anything worth having is worth working hard for. It’s hard to change your thinking, but in the end worth it.
And as for the fake it till you make comment. That also works! Eventually it will be what you do, not what you think you need to do.
Keep at it Mary!
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..Knowledge is Power =-.
It’s a cliche because it’s true. You tend to appreciate the things you have to work for and that makes them worth having. Hard but worth it. For sure.
exactly what i need this morning. Thank you for your courage and willlingness to be so open and raw with us. Getting back on seems to be much harder for me than starting up in the first place. So many feelings around shame come up for me.
Happy St patttys day :D
.-= Whitney´s last blog ..Birthday Burgers =-.
The more I do it the less scary it is to just get it out there. I understand how hard it is to get back started. Motivation in the beginning is easy, but once you’ve broke the momentum its a lot harder. Don’t feel bad about it. Shame isn’t something you should feel. Just the fact that you are doing anything to improve your life is AMAZING. Don’t feel bad for slipping up.
I love this, I just wrote a while back about changing your life and I believe strongly it is almost all in changing our thinking! Broaden our views and really open up to what WE Can DO! Good for you, take charge and work on the stinkin’ thinking to see results across the board. I really enjoyed this post also because of your talking about already being a runner or being this or that. Your right in we can be and already are those things we desire! Good luck!
.-= Mary @ fit this girl´s last blog ..Restore: holistic healing event =-.
LOL @ “stinkin thinking.” That made me giggle. We can be anything we want to be (within reason) but sometimes being something/someone new trips us up… the unknown is… well, unknown! But we can do it! Yes!
I’ve been thinking about the fake it til you make it in relation to my eating lately. Like, not just eating such and such calories because I can, but eating like I am thin already. Making good choices for my body like I am thin already…
And you don’t have to fake being great, because you already are.
Maybe if your environment is part of the problem you can make some changes there somehow?
.-= Kat´s last blog ..All Things Vitalicious Review * * * * * 5 Stars =-.
Aw, thanks for thinking I’m great! Haha. But I think you are on to something with the eating like you are thin already. Isn’t that what we are all doing? When you do that you lose weight until you settle at your right weight.
The part of my environment that is the problem is something I can’t change. You can’t change other people. What I can change (cooking for myself, etc) I have changed. But the rest? It’s not up to me.
Oh YES this is an awesome post. Releasing the negative/painful thoughts honestly is the road to change, imo. If we can’t get over thinking that we are meant to be lost, that it’s our lot in life, how can we ever get out of the maze of pain that we are lost in. Mary if you can face those brutal messages you get at home and not have them defeat you, you will feel such JOY, and you deserve it. Keep up the great work and thanks for blogging.
CG
P.S. I can promise you with 100% surety that changing the way you eat will make you lose weight, it won’t help with your attitude or emotional symptoms whatever they are…but at least you will have one less thing to feel bad about.
I’m trying. Thank you for supporting me!
And I agree with your PS. Changing how I eat, losing weight, it still didn’t change the emotional stuff I have to deal with. Working through that stuff is almost always a separate issue.
I think the reason most of us haven’t been able to make any significant progress is because we expect the journey to be *easy*, we expect to just go with the motions, follow a plan, and without doing the hard work, the mental work especially, see progress. And that is why we keep regaining the weight, because we haven’t dealt with the reasons we gained weight in the first place…
But you, you are doing the hard work as you go along, scrutinizing the ‘whys’ and dealing with them. So, you’re on the right path. Thanks for the inspiration.
.-= Early´s last blog ..Two years… =-.
I think most people don’t consider the “mental work” when they start. I think they might even know it’s going to be hard, but they are only thinking of changing habits and exercising hard. Most of the time dealing with the whys and the reasons behind stuff isn’t even addressed until much later when the weight is lost or when it has come back.
For me, this weight loss journey is the second time around. And it’s only on the second time that I looked at the whys. That I actually looked beyond the exercise and food stuff. I’m losing weight more slowly this time, but I’m working through all the issues that don’t get addressed when you just lose weight.
When I graduated with my Education degree I was on top of the world and thought I could tackle it without any problems.
When I actually got my first teaching gig, I went to my favorite professor/mentor/role model from college and asked him, “what now?”.
I was so scared of taking on this thing that I had worked so hard and long for; I constantly doubted my ability to do it. It was scary.
His advice was much like Holly’s, “The first two years is faking it. You’ll learn how to do it and you will do it well.”
I think it definitely applies. We learn so many different ways, techniques, and styles of losing weight to reach a target but fail to accept ourselves in our new bodies. If we are to have a lasting success story – we must willingly accept the role that we now fill and that which we fought so hard to obtain.
Keep with it!
.-= Seth´s last blog ..Blogger-Made Home Workout Challenge =-.
I think fake it till you make it advice applies to a lot of different things. But having (or faking) the confidence to do it can be tricky.
You are right about accepting the new role…it’s something we work for and want but then when we get there we have to really accept it, own it.
Good for you on not giving up. Staying the same is ALWAYS the easier route. Making a change will always be hard, but just think about how all the changes you have made so far have improved your life, and there are only better things to come :-)
.-= Lauren @ Eater not a runner´s last blog ..veggie queen =-.
Good point. We’ve all already made changes and come a long way. And it only gets better. :)
the mental game can work for you, too, not just against you. because it took me so long to lose my 30 pounds, i had plenty of time to settle into who i was becoming. i had a solid sense of being a normal weight person, that i wasn’t just a fat person who was temporarily at a good weight. with all my other quick-fix diets, i never really inhabited the new me. let time work for you! don’t worry about the temporary setbacks. you’ll get there!
.-= Nancy B. Kennedy´s last blog ..Me in the Soup, Chicken that is =-.
Yeah. I know it’s just a temporary setback, but when it happens it’s hard to realize that. But it’s a good thing because it’s forced me to realize exactly what you said – the mental game can work for me too. And that’s good. So now I’m working on changing how I think of myself.
The mental game IS the most important one…and the advice “fake it till you make it” is good advice. Take time to really let yourself imagine how it would feel to achieve your goals. It’s like meditation. Let your mind think these thoughts, and your emotions will follow. You will feel joy, giddiness, elation AS IF you have already achieved these things. Visualization is a vital took in achieving any type of success. LET THE VISION EMPOWER YOU! It’s all part of this wonderful journey called life! You are learning so many valuable lessons!
LOL. It makes me laugh that every comment you leave has the word empower in it. But thank you!
The fake it til you make it is what I have adopted. I am telling myself and believing everyday the following: I am a beautiful runner who loves who I am and is capable of being loved.
Do I totally believe that..hell no! Is that what I am working towards believing..hell yes.
People will themselves to live and die everyday. I have a grandpa who is in the hospital right now willing himself to die. He’s given up. It’s sad and yet one of the most powerful testaments to life…you are what you believe.
.-= Michelle @ SugarWand´s last blog ..Day 12: Re-Labeling Yourself =-.
That’s a great thing to believe about yourself! I’m going to pretend you didn’t even say that next sentence. What good is it to admit not believing that? Just BELIEVE it.
Aw, sorry for your grandpa. But you know, sometimes it is time. And for the rest of us? We need to LIVE.
Carpe Diem Mary!
I’m with you.
.-= AndrewENZ´s last blog ..New RoadID and a run in the dark =-.
Love that phrase.
YES.
Thanks friend.
Hi Mary,
I have noticed the same happen to me, although my goals are much smaller. Currently I am coasting at 183 lbs for 3 weeks now and my goal was to go under 180. The same happened when I was nearing 190 and 200. My weight loss came to a near halt as soon as I approached my goal. I think self-sabotage can come in a variety of shapes. Sometimes its overconfidence ( “I can eat an extra helping, I know I will still lose weight, I know what I am doing” ) or Recklessness/ The rules don’t apply to me or just plain nervousness in the form of eating when you know you are not hungry or overeating knowing fully well that you are undoing the calorie deficit.
What helps is monitoring your weekly weigh ins and taking action as soon as you start noticing a familiar trend of coasting/maintaining weight. I have gone back to writing down everything I eat to ensure that I dont have nutrition amnesia when it comes to weigh in day ( a la “Why did I not lose weight when I know I did not overeat”).
HTH
Harsh
.-= Harshathlete´s last blog ..Week 16 Results =-.
It seems like a lot of us self-sabotage or freak out when we get near a goal, for different reasons. Glad you recognized what you were doing and took action. That’s what I did too! Now we are both going to make out goals!
Wow, pretty sure I could have written this post, about a million times over, because the same thing has happened to me, and still does. I get into the groove, which for me means working out, eating well, avoiding crap, and then BLAM- I eat crap for the next five days and proceed to undo everything I just worked so hard to do.
And regarding the mental aspect, I know what you mean there too. Sometimes, I feel like my brain goes into “freak-out” mode if you will, like when I’m super-stressed or sick, and SCREAMS at me “EAT!” It is a mental process, and that voice in your head can take over. It’s SO hard to ignore some times.
Bottom line, I’m glad to see your sticking with it, and I wanted you to know that you aren’t alone. Keep up the great work!
Hope
I think a lot of people could have written it. Which is why I’m glad I write stuff like this. I could easily pretend it didn’t happen but what’s the point? We all do well in the groove and we all eventually hit bumps and have trouble figuring stuff out.
Thank you for letting me know that I’m not the only one!
Yes, ive heard that faking thing too… ive never liked that as a strategy to get through things because I always feel like I should be myself. So if, for instance, I’m horrible at being social (which I am) I shouldn’t fake being friendly and social until I suddenly am, because its being something im not. But in a way, I know its not that black and white and that it does work. If im standing around frowning, no one will like me, and ill have a worse time, and be even more frowny. If I fake having a good time, people will talk to me and maybe I will end up having a good time. And that works sometimes. And same thing with you I guess, or with lots of situations. I suppose its not really changing or faking who we are at the core just superficially. The days when I tell myself I’m happy, I discover I am, and they overflow into other days :) So I guess its working!
But, you are already awesome and better even without the weight loss. I have faith in you that you’ll accomplish your goal, but you have so much going for you, besides of the getting skinnier part. To me, reading your blog, it seems like all that you’ve accomplished in other areas of your life, and in your examining your thinking,etc are the hard part, and the actual weight loss will just follow along. Because there’s a lot of thinner people who havent done half as much as you have! So, great thoughful blog, as usual.
.-= merri´s last blog ..The Bar Method =-.
LOL. I think that fake it til you make it doesn’t mean fake being something you are not and don’t want to be. It’s just about pretending you are confident being something you WANT to be. Then eventually that confidence becomes real and you ARE that thing.
I love that you pointed out that I’m better without the weight loss. That’s so true. This has been a lot more than just weight loss… it’s about my whole life being better. :)
I went from thinking “I’m doing this!” to “I hope I don’t fail to do this…”
“And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.
And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.
But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.
And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?
matthew 14: 28-31
Ah, thank you awesome Ryan!
I don’t know if you will come back and read this reply, but let’s hang out soon please!!
Mary, thanks in part to your post I have decided what I want to change. Starting right now….okay, that’s not entirely true. I will have to start in the morning because it involves my eating habits and I’m done eating for today. lol But I just had to tell you this post really resonates with me, thank you for being so open about what you’re going through.
When I started my weight loss journey last summer I was prepared to deal with the physical aspect and how hard that would be, but the mental aspect of it somehow took me by surprise. I just wasn’t prepared at first for dealing with it. I guess it takes just time. And a lot of darn hard work. But we will get there!
That’s awesome Aimee!! I’m glad you are going to make changes that you need.
I know a lot of us start without considering the mental aspect and I think that’s why I write about it so much. We all know the physical stuff will be tough, but the mental? It’s shocking sometimes. It takes time to deal with and move past but YES we will get there.
What a really wonderful post! I COMPLETELY agree – it really is all mental. Fear of success can really be a powerful negative factor and one of the major causes of self sabotage.
I think you’ll be fine, no, way more than fine! You’ll rock this thing. :)
.-= Cathy´s last blog ..One Hour Runner program – my ticket to the long run =-.
Fear of success… that seems so silly when you actually write it out, doesn’t it? But it’s definitely a negative factor for me that can cause self sabotage. But I’m going to work past it. I’ll write about fear of success more in the future because I’m realizing that’s a HUGE stumbling block for me.
Excellent post. This exact thing happened to me at the 200 pound mark, I am so used to being an fat person, looking for the largest size on the rack, NOT doing things that people under 200 pounds do. I was scared, I thought “oh no, what if I fail at being under 200 pounds.” I bought new jeans and was a little happy but mostly worried that buying a smaller size was also going to bring new expectations from me, both internal and external pressures. I know, that sounds crazy!
Way to go! And have fun at FitBlogging, I SO wish I was going!!
It doesn’t sound crazy! That’s what I was thinking and I wasn’t even close to 200 really.
I wish you were going too! Everyone should come!