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A Merry Life

Healthy Living & Budgeting Blog | Health, Wealth & Everything Else

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Thoughts On Doubt and Second Guessing Yourself

May 25, 2010 by Mary

This post may contain affiliate links. Please read my disclosure for details.

I’m not doing my workout pledge until tomorrow and technically you can choose any day this week to do it. So I hope you join all of us! 60 minutes is really nothing. ;)

Before talking about anything weight loss related, I wanted to share some pictures from my adventures this past weekend for a life update.  On Sunday my roomie and I set off to see the Oregon Coast, one of the many places around here that I have to see. (I’m starting to think I have too many people and places I want to see.)

She drove and of course I was very excited about that.

Then we reached the water and I was even more excited because I love the water and beaches like this one. I really wanted to sit on a log and build a fire and just take a nap on the beach, but we didn’t end up doing that.

Instead we flew a kite!

Or at least we tried to. This photo is one of the better moments with the kite. More often than not it was crashing into the sand and refusing to fly. It was an ornery owl kite. Owls must not like to fly.

I got to see some seals, which I’ve never seen outside of the zoo before. That was exciting. The only thing that could have been better was seeing a whale. That’s one thing I’ve yet to see in person but really want to.

Despite my seal imitations, none swam across to hang out with me. How disappointing.

We walked along the beach for a while, kicking sand, dragging the kite, and just enjoying it. It was a beautiful day after all.

And even with the cold(ish) wind blowing all around me, I was super happy for the chance to go to the beach.

After I looked out onto the water and waved to New Zealand, we walked back and explored a bit. Those explorations led to watching seagulls build a nest and buying some saltwater taffy. The day ended with watching a movie at the drive in.

Days like that? Great.

But it feels like it’s always marred by something. And that something is me. In my head I worry about what I look like, because my jeans are too tight. I worry about what I’m eating, because I have to blog about it eventually and it should be healthy (it wasn’t). I worry about whether or not I’m fun enough, because I hope I’m not boring my friend by forcing her to play tour guide. I worry about a bunch of things all day long until at the end of an awesome day I’m mentally exhausted with myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of fun. But that day made me realize how pervasive this kind of thinking is. It’s something that snuck up on me when I wasn’t expecting it.

As I was writing this post I came across an article from Elizabeth Gilbert on failure and living well (I procrastinate while blogging and end up reading lots of articles) where she says:

Nearly all the women I know are stressing themselves sick over the pathological fear that they simply aren’t doing enough with their lives. Which is crazy—absolutely flat-out bananas—because the women I know do a lot, and they do it well.

She talks about some of her friends who are doing amazing things with their lives and says,

By all rights, every one of these clever, inventive women should be radiant with self-satisfaction. Instead, they twitch with near-constant doubt, somehow worrying that they are failing at life.

It’s terribly frustrating for me to witness this endless second-guessing. The problem is, I do it, too. Despite having written five books, I worry that I have not written the right kinds of books, or that perhaps I have dedicated too much of my life to writing, and have therefore neglected other aspects of my being. (Like, I could really stand to lose 10 pounds.)

Here’s the deal: I’m just like those women. I want to be perfect and live my life perfectly.

I want to know that I’m making the right choices and doing the right things and not messing up my life. I chose my path and it’s an awesome one, but I’m constantly second guessing myself. Should I be working full time? Will anyone even read my blog if I don’t lose weight? Am I just going to be a failed blogger? Should I be traveling so much?  I constantly second guess every decision I make and doubt myself in my ability to do something right. I want to be perfect and can’t stand the thought of failing at anything, especially failing at my life.

But Gilbert is a smart lady. She knows we need to lighten up on ourselves and the expectations we create.

So here’s what I want to know: Can we lighten up a little?

As we head into this next decade, can we draft a joint resolution to drop the crazy-making expectation that we must all be perfect friends and perfect mothers and perfect workers and perfect lovers with perfect bodies who dedicate ourselves to charity and grow our own organic vegetables, at the same time that we run corporations and stand on our heads while playing the guitar with our feet?

When I look at my life and the lives of my female friends these days—with our dizzying number of opportunities and talents—I sometimes feel as though we are all mice in a giant experimental maze, scurrying around frantically, trying to find our way through. But maybe there’s a good historical reason for all this overwhelming confusion. We don’t have centuries of educated, autonomous female role models to imitate here (there were no women quite like us until very recently), so nobody has given us a map. As a result, we each race forth blindly into this new maze of limitless options. And the risks are steep. We make mistakes. We take sharp turns, hoping to stumble on an open path, only to bump into dead-end walls and have to back up and start all over again. We push mysterious levers, hoping to earn a reward, only to learn—whoops, that was a suffering button!

To make matters even more stressful, we constantly measure ourselves against each other’s progress, which is a truly dreadful habit.

I’m not going to be perfect. Maybe I’ll always need to lose more weight. Maybe I’ll always be short on money and time. Maybe I’ll never be the best or most popular blogger. Maybe I’ll always have something else I could be doing with my time and my life. But I need to drop the expectations. I need to stop destroying great days with the second guessing and doubt. I need to be myself, authentically me, and not worry about if it’s not good enough for other people or even my own crazy expectation. I need to stop worrying if I’m not good enough for you. Because I am. There is definitely no map for my life, no instructions on how to get it right, but I’m trying and that’s all I can do.

Great days need to be just great days, nothing more.

Filed Under: Emotional Health


« A Merry Workout Pledge #3
Why I’m No Longer Watching The Biggest Loser »

Comments

  1. Big_mummy says

    May 25, 2010 at 1:13 pm

    what a great post, so true, great days can just be great. You seem so happy and then i see you pics and you LOOK so happy! so awesome.

  2. mkg says

    May 25, 2010 at 1:56 pm

    Wonderful post!!! :) I really needed to hear that today.
    .-= mkg´s last blog ..Rain again…UGH! =-.

  3. Julie says

    May 25, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    The drive for perfection is something that I constantly battle… to the point that I’m practicing at being less obsessed with it.

    I LOVE the Oregon coast… I think after looking at your pics I’m going to have plan a little road trip soon. :)
    .-= Julie´s last blog ..Weekend Rollercoaster =-.

    • Mary says

      May 25, 2010 at 7:06 pm

      You should! It’s pretty awesome! :)

  4. Janet says

    May 25, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    I love Elizabeth Gilbert, and I read that article too. So true, that women especially never feel like what we’ve done is good enough. Great post!
    .-= Janet´s last blog ..I Was Told There’d Be Cake =-.

  5. amanda says

    May 25, 2010 at 5:11 pm

    you look radiant in the picture.

    and another fantastic post from you mary. you are such a talented writer and it comes from the heart. :)
    xxxxxx
    .-= amanda´s last blog ..About the new direction =-.

  6. Lily Fluffbottom says

    May 25, 2010 at 5:25 pm

    I was raised in Oregon, and I can tell you, there are few things that are more fun than the coast. I haven’t been there in years, but its one of the things I miss the most. Its so pretty, all the time. Even if its raining, people are looking for storms to enjoy. Its majestic in its beauty.

    Just like we are.
    .-= Lily Fluffbottom´s last blog ..Mondays Are Always the Hardest =-.

  7. Jess says

    May 25, 2010 at 6:16 pm

    Just because seals look cute does NOT mean they are cute to play with. They will bite your face off. Just like hippos. I am more terrified of a hippo than I am of a snake. Hippos kill a LOT of people every year. Just thought you should know.

    Anyway, I’ve stopped trying to compare myself to other people’s standards of “perfect”. I’ve set my own goals. When I fail to meet them, yeah, I get a little peeved, but it just means that I’ll try again tomorrow. I’ve realized that there isn’t one path to getting from Point A to Point B. I have a planned route I want to take, but sometimes life throws you a curve ball and you take a few detours. So what? I learned so much along the way, I met some great people, I had some great laughs, I shared some valuable tears, learned some priceless lessons, and it’s made me who I am.

    I could spend all day second guessing myself, but that would just prevent me from going out and doing what I could be doing to the best of my ability.

    By the way, I love playing tour guide (well, I’m a horrible tour guide because I just like to go exploring and get lost) so don’t second guess about coming to LA!

    And, stop worrying about what you’re eating. Eat to fuel yourself. I had a street cart burrito and all you can eat Indian. So what? And when you come down, we’re getting In-n-Out or Roscoe’s. And we can BOTH blog about it and make other people jealous.
    .-= Jess´s last blog ..Weigh-in #16 =-.

    • Mary says

      May 25, 2010 at 7:03 pm

      Seals will not bite my face off! They will be my cuddly pet forever!!!!!!

      Okay, maybe not.

      I’m totally scared of hippos too.

      The second guessing myself has always been a problem. I’ve always been bad at making decisions because I second guess them and wonder if it’s the right one. I would love to be more decisive and sure in my decisions, so that’s something I will have to work on. If I look at my life up until now I should be able to do this because right and wrong decisions have all led to a place where I really like myself and my life.

      Oh, and I’m going to be the WORST healthy food blogger in July. My food will all be delicious, but healthy? Blah. Fastfood and yumminess will reign.

  8. Meegan says

    May 25, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    I had a bit of an epiphany like this one myself today. I’m contemplating my blog about it strategy right now. I loved the Gilbert article – thank you for sharing. And thank you for remembering that our lives are full of awesome right now – even if nothing changes. The best part is we’re making changes all of the time to make things extra awesome. Little bit by little bit.
    PS – Oregon looks gorgeous in your photos. Just like you do with your wind blown look!

  9. merri says

    May 25, 2010 at 6:48 pm

    Sorry I did not pledge.. Ive been way too busy to do 60 min cardio at once. Or in the same day even. Of course I suppose that’s just my excuse maybe the better answer is Im busy but also lazy. Lol.
    If you ever make it to SF, be sure to check out pier 39 which has TONS of wild sea lions all lying there. People come to watch them. Although they don’t do much.
    Hmm well I would bet that at least you werent boring your friend. If I were your friend, id just say no if something was boring to me (I made my parents do the stuff I thought was boring all by themselves). And id want to spend time doing something fun with my friend. Don’t you think youre fun? You seem fun. Of course, that’s easy to say. I always think that my friends wont want to hang out with me, and if someone asks me to do something, esp by myself, I get super surprised and excited like wow, why would they want to hang out with me? They do? Wow.
    I think youre doing an awesome job with your life. I think that most of us would agree, or we wouldn’t bother reading about it. But I do understand where you’re coming from. Good to see that its not just me. I mean, not that I want other people to feel that way. You know what I mean lol.
    Keep posting photos! I love seeing them!
    .-= merri´s last blog ..Sex and the City 2: Not bad, but should be SATC LAST (my review of the prescreening) =-.

    • Mary says

      May 25, 2010 at 7:05 pm

      It’s all good…. another will roll around in a month! :)

      I think I’m actually going to stop in SF in July before I head further south. So I will make sure I go check out the sea lions. Maybe they will become my pets.

      I will post more photos. Or at least try. ;)

      • merri says

        May 26, 2010 at 2:42 am

        ok lemme know. my best friend is djing at a bar here on the 4th if you make it here you can come. i think you would like sf.
        .-= merri´s last blog ..Sex and the City 2: Not bad, but should be SATC LAST (my review of the prescreening) =-.

  10. Jody - Fit at 52 says

    May 25, 2010 at 8:43 pm

    This is just a amazing post Mary.. really.. writing right to my soul! Thank you!

    I loved the pics!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Beautiful!

    Oh, of course I am in for that cardio pledge …. frig, I do a lot as you well know! :-) I hit my 60 today already! ;-)
    .-= Jody – Fit at 52´s last blog ..More Gym Rants & Some HELP too! =-.

  11. Diana @ frontyardfoodie says

    May 25, 2010 at 9:05 pm

    You look so pretty! It’s funny because since I started reading your blog you haven’t really posted many pics of yourself and even though you come off confident and funny you still belittle your outward appearance alot and you really do have such a great smile and an adorable body! You should post more pics to remind yourself of how beautiful you are.

    • Mary says

      May 25, 2010 at 9:15 pm

      I don’t think I “betlittle my outward appearance.” I might struggle with body image stuff sometimes but I guess you must have only caught those posts.

      I don’t post pictures often because it’s more work and I don’t have many pictures of myself. Unless I take them I don’t have anyone around shooting all the time like some people.

  12. Jay says

    May 25, 2010 at 11:52 pm

    Every time I read your blog I’m amazed the amount of stuff you do and how much time you put into your work. You do amazing things, you have a great time and you’re living life to it’s fullest from what I see. You’re awesome. :)

    I find it strange that you would have so much doubt, but then again I know a lot of women who think exactly the same way. You’re the happy girl aren’t you? The one who is everyone’s friend? You spend too much trying to please other people that you forget about yourself? Maybe I’m wrong, I hope I am. You should focus on yourself rather then trying to be perfect for others all the time. Be perfect for yourself first, then the rest will follow.

    * Sorry, that’s my sleepy talk.. dazing off now..
    .-= Jay´s last blog ..New Blog Theme – New Trainer =-.

    • Mary says

      May 26, 2010 at 9:34 am

      Haha Jay. I am a lot like most women in the fact that I doubt myself often. It’s not something I like to do, but just something that happens. It doesn’t happen all the time thankfully, but some days it’s almost overwhelming. I guess women deal with it a lot more than guys.

      But thanks for all the other compliments. I try to live life to the fullest. :)

  13. Miz says

    May 26, 2010 at 4:47 am

    LOVE THIS and for some reason when I read, and reread I thought:

    SISTER YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT IF YOURE SHORT ON MONEY AND TIME

    all of us are short on time yet too few of us dont realize that and make the mistake of thinking we have all the time in the world

    and, in a way, baring a biga** inheritance, having lottttsa money is indicative of working too much and living too little.

    yes Im being hyperbolic—-but at your age and place in life (no tiny mouths clamoring to be fed) this is precisely how you should be,

    LIVING.
    .-= Miz´s last blog ..Raising a child (or spousepartnerfriend) who likes to exercise. =-.

    • Mary says

      May 26, 2010 at 9:35 am

      Thanks Carla. It helps to have someone wiser tell me I’m doing okay. :)

  14. midgetkeeper says

    May 26, 2010 at 7:22 am

    Powerful words. I came to this realization a while back and it’s been really freeing. I am living my best life right now.

    Love your pictures, you are beautiful!
    .-= midgetkeeper´s last blog ..Healthy Living Blog? =-.

  15. Beth @ Beth's Journey to Thin says

    May 26, 2010 at 9:20 am

    This is a great post! Love it. I haven’t flown a kite in forever.

  16. Mary says

    May 26, 2010 at 9:35 am

    Yes! I <3 u.

  17. Lauralee Hensley says

    May 26, 2010 at 2:29 pm

    There is a great book by Joyce Meyer called Battlefield of the mind.
    It helps you learn how to not let your thoughts beat you up and control you.
    It sounds like to exhaust yourself by constantly second guessing yourself. I used to do that. I still do on occassion, but I don’t let it go on for long, because now I recognize what I’m doing.
    Just like you recognize what your doing with food, you will soon recognize what you are doing with any thought that lets negative and non-productive stuff take a front seat in your life.
    You may have not been in the driving seat on this trip, but you are in the driving seat in your mind and when those downing thoughts try to get in the driving seat with you, well tell them there’s only room for you in this driving seat and to get in the back seat or even the trunk and shut up. Then buckle up tight and hang on because they’ll try to come back and steal control of the steering wheel and gas pedal a few more times, but you’ll not let them. Then they come back less and less frequently, with less and less gusto, because they’ll soon learn that you are the one in control.

  18. Lois J. Thompson says

    May 26, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    First of all OWLS are awesome, they do like to sit and watch more than fly, when they fly it is usually to eat something they see running past them. Second, I love the pictures, now I have Oregon on my desktop.
    Remember what I have always told you worry is of the Devil, like someone who always wants to steal your joy, if you let them. Enjoy the life the Lord gave you and stop putting so much pressure on yourself, you are a beautiful person whom most anyone likes to spend time with, (I know I do.) So live laugh and love. Cool, Huh!
    Love you,
    Mom

  19. The Binge Diary says

    May 27, 2010 at 11:20 pm

    I can totally relate! I do the exct same things and have the same worries. You are not alone! :)
    .-= The Binge Diary´s last blog ..Step One Assignment =-.

  20. lynette says

    June 4, 2010 at 7:38 pm

    wow! I’m a new reader and this post is fantastic! It is so true, about how we women are too often inside our own head with our struggles. We need to enjoy each day as the people we are in the moment, but too often we don’t. Thanks for the wise words!

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