Triathlon training has been… er….. well…. not the best.
You see, I’ve been doing all my bike workouts. I even did a longer bike ride than the one I had scheduled last week when I rode 23 miles.
I love biking. It’s easy for me and I really, really enjoy it. Even when it’s hard and when it’s tiring and long and I want to quit – I still like it. So doing all my bike workouts has been easy.
But the other workouts haven’t been easy. In fact they haven’t been happening.
I haven’t been running. I ran once last week when I was supposed to run three times. I haven’t been swimming either. I’ve been avoiding the pool. I had an anxiety attack once when I went a few weeks ago and since then I’ve only been back a couple times. The last time I went I was swimming outside and fighting against little kids who were diving into my lane (over my head). Because the pool is overcrowded this summer and triggers my anxiety I haven’t wanted to deal with it enough to get my workouts in.
So I haven’t been getting my workouts in. In a way this is just me self-sabotaging myself once again. I feel inadequate and I’m scared that I’ll come in dead last when I do the triathlon. Because of this I’ve not been working out. I guess I figured if I won’t be ready for the first tri (not that I was going to be ready anyway) that I could have a reason not to go.
I’m excellent at creating ways to get out of situations. The longer I’ve lived with the anxiety issue, the more practice I’ve gotten at backing out of things. I’m almost a pro. I’ve got excuses and lies and reasons for anything I don’t really want to do.
The worst part is that sometimes I back out of things I actually want to do.
The triathlon is something I want to do. However, lately I’ve been thinking of excuses to use so I don’t have to do the one in January. I suppose somewhere in my brain the decision was made to not do all the workouts so I wouldn’t have to go in January. I could just wait until April when I would *hopefully* be better prepared.
I’m very frustrated with myself for doing this.
The book I’m reading now is giving me some insight into why I do things like this over and over again. Even without thinking about it I’m stuck in a lifetrap where I will do almost anything to keep the status quo I’m comfortable with. The status quo is me being fat, failing at everything, and being ashamed of myself and who I am. In so many ways I now see how I’ve been repeating this cycle over and over again so I can stay with this negativity that I’m comfortable with. In my head I *can’t* do a triathlon, I can’t succeed at something physically challenging – so I might as well run away and do nothing (my comfortable place).
But the book also talks about how I have to continually confront myself in order to change. It’s not going to be comfortable. It’s going to suck. But apparently it’s what I need to do to change the way I think and how I perceive life and my own abilities. So here I am. Confronting myself on this issue. Telling myself to get back to running and swimming because even if I’m not ready, I’m going to do the triathlon in a couple weeks.
I can’t keep destroying myself and stopping myself from being the best I could be. The triathlon is the first step.
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Update: Since writing this post last night I did my 500 m swim today and rode 3 miles on my bike. Doing good! Tomorrow is a bike/run brick workout and I’m really looking forward to it.
Great job on 23 miles! That’s a great start.
I can’t tell you how much I relate to this post. I’m really glad to see that you’re getting right back on that horse again. And if you finish last, so what? At least you went out there and did it!
Yeah, I did it! I might have been scared and sabotaging myself for a minute, but it’s over.
Wow, this whole post mirrors my current state of mind! I’m already trying self-sabotage myself out of 4 walk/run events I’m signed up for this year. Really proud of you for choosing to do the triathlon anyway!! :)
Let’s not do this to ourselves, okay? No more sabotaging ourselves!
23 miles? Wow! That’s so much that’s great! What book are you reading? I really disagree with you when you wrote you are failing at everything. I know I’m just reading your life, not living it, but I see you succeeding at things all the time. From where I’m sitting, you’re living a really successful life at the moment. I’m glad you decided to do the triathalon this time around. Just like I said on twitter, just think of it as something fun, and if you want to do it the next time, in april or whenever that is, this could be a practice run. I would not do a triathalon myself (actually I would physically drown since I cant swim) but there are other fun exercisey things that I was hesitant to try like zumba because im so uncoordinated and feel really dumb looking when I do it. I can’t dance. But I do it anyways its fun and im glad I do! Anyways have fun with your training and your triathalon! (of course, I should listen to myself, cuz I often feel like I’m failing at life, myself).
I’m reading Reinventing Your Life. It’s about changing life long perceptions and problems. The feeling that I am failing at everything is one of those things I’m trying to change. :)
you should do a book review of it when youre done.
Logically, rationally, being last doesn’t matter. But being me? It matters. I’m so sensitive and unsure of my abilities that being last would be something that could easily crush me. I’ll probably be last anyway, but I’m trying to work through that fear so I actually go do it. Being last is just a confirmation of all the unlogical untrue and completely negative things I think about myself constantly.
And technically I wouldn’t be last. They do the tri in waves so even the very last finisher isn’t technically last. They do post the times online though and I guess that’s where I fear being last because it’s a place where others can see it and judge me. Not that they would, but like I said, my brain works in very illogical ways to continue those old insecurities. Even if no one actually is judging me I’m so used to being judged and criticized that I feel like they are.
I know that once I start I’ll be fine. Always am. It’s just the build up of fear/anxiety before something that is the problem. That’s what normally becomes too much to the point that I have to back out of whatever it is. This post was confronting that horrible habit and trying to calm myself down enough to actually go through with it. I know rationally that there isn’t a sound basis for the feelings but emotionally it’s something I almost always feel and that’s hard to break through.
Thank you for the comment. I’m glad to know that people out there support me and are trying to help me. I am going to do it. I’m calling it my “practice” tri so I don’t get too wrapped up in it and feel like it’s less intense than my brain would make me think. I’m working on it. ;)
Hmmm…I took a peek back into the archives. And you said you’ve already done the distances for this particular triathlon? Well, shoot, if you can do the distances, the excitement of triathlon day will give you extra energy. Sure, it’s normal to be worried about coming in last, but think how much worse you’d feel if you don’t give it a try. (At one of my races, they announced, “Here comes our final finisher!” and the guy broke into a skip as he crossed the finish line, to much heartfelt cheering!)
Keep pushing yourself Mary.. you can do it! This week I have been writing about getting honest with oneself, & the next couple days, a couple more push & reality check posts.
I know you have other issues to deal with but you can do it!
Hey Mary
I did the Tri woman triathlons when they first began and they are awesome – you will be amazed when you see the mix at the event – every possible body type and all ages – one year there was an 82yr old great grandma competing.
My goal to begin with was to complete the tri, then get under an hour for the whole thing, then to be able to run the run section. There are so many people that walk it, so many women that learn to swim or learn to ride a bike just because of these events. The whole atmosphere at the event is about having a go and everyone is there to support you – have an awesome time!
I know what you mean about self sabotage – I know I shouldn’t be eating the crap, I know I should eat the good stuff yet I still go for the crap. I know I just need to take it 1 hour / one day at a time.
That’s what I’ve heard about the events which is why I chose them for my first one. But there is still that nagging feeling in the back of my mind because I don’t really know what is going to happen, you know? I’m pretty sure if I get over myself it will be pretty awesome. :)
Those goals you had are similar to what my goals are. First one is just about completion!
All we can do is take it one hour, one decision at a time. :)
A couple of weeks ago you wrote that the January tri would be a ‘try’ for you as you probably wouldn’t be ready on the training front to complete all the actual events ( I think this might have been before you realized it was shorter than you thought) and you were saying that you were still going to do it because it would be good to do and good practice and help you towards doing really good on the April one….well, that post really inspired me to keep going with my training. I had been doing the C25k program for a 5k @ midnight on New Years Eve. I had made it to week 4 and was doing good, and actually starting to like the running if you can believe it(!), and then my back went out. I was out for 3 weeks, then it was really hard to get back into the training groove. But after reading your post I knew that even if I couldn’t actually run 5k ( I don’t even think I run half that yet) I could run and walk as I needed and that the point was to just get out there and do it.
Sorry, that was kinda long, haha. But my point is, good job on going out there today and getting your workouts in and remember your own words – you just gotta do your best and try -you don’t need to come in first place :)
Good luck with the rest of your training and I hope that you have a lot of fun doing this event!
Thanks for sharing that! Sometimes I can get wrapped up in my own head and let the insecurities/fears take over so it’s a good reminder to know that my words and decisions are affecting other people too. Getting out there and doing it even if we have to run/walk/walk/walk is going to be good.
Thanks Liz!
23 miles great job!!! Stay with your program even if it is only baby steps one at a time.
About finishing last… this summer I was participating in swimming marathon. I’m no professional, just swimming is the thing I really like. I swam 3,5km in almost 2 hours, while everyone else (about 30 people, mostly professionals) finished in time range from 40min to 1h20min. organizators even had removed the finish line and I had to look for them to register my time :D BUT STILL I DID IT!!! :) i’m very proud of myself for that. so – the thing is to finish, not the time or number on the list :)
I could have written this. I’m not training for a triathlon, but backing out of situations because of anxiety and fear of failure is something I do very often. You described it as self-sabotaging and that’s exactly what it is. Isn’t it strange why we do things like this, when they are clearly not good for us? But the human mind is complicated. I’m glad that you are going to do the triathlon, best of luck! And I really should read that book too.
Mary, I know what you are going through when you have Anxiety attacks they are a horrible thing to go through. You feel like you life is spinning out of your hands and there’s nothing you can do about it. Thank the Lord there are drugs out there that help overcome that horrible condition so you can have a normal life.
Since losing my weight I’ve had 2 attacks, its incredible how weight loss has improved my health.
Sometimes we sign up for things that are just not for us, perhaps a Tri is too much for you and you should start with a Cycling Tour? If your riding 23 miles, you could easily ride a 50K. The longest I rode last year was a 63.5 mile Tour, boy did it hurt but it was so awesome!
23 miles is indeed a great job! Don’t give up. Slowly you’ll attain your goal. You’re doing a great job!
Hi! I just wanted to say you’re doing fantastic! A triathalon is by no mean feat! I really related to your self-sabotaging comments, we all do it. But I wanted to say you are doing so brilliantly well, you are an inspiration to get back on the horse, not give up and keep going. You can do it!
I think we need to be kinder to ourselves and give ourselves more credit. So pat give yourself a pat on the back and reward yourself with a treat. A spa treatment perhaps!
Best,
Little Yuk Lan
I just wanted to say you are amazing! You should be proud of your accomplishments and not worry about being last. I am in awe of what you are doing and hope that one day I will have the guts to do it to. Until then I will live vicariously through you. :)
Keep truck’n you can do it!
Its so easy to get overwhelmed when looking at the big picture. When training for my marathon I found it helpful to cover up the schedule and only show one day at a time. I could do one day at a time. you’ve got this!
You know what they call the person who comes in last at a triathlon? A triathlete. Same as the person who came in first. And btw I’ve come in last at running races before and you can’t believe the genuine applause & support I received. I like to think of it as beating all the people who dropped out mid-race. And beating all the people who never got off the couch. Just saying…..
Thank you. Really.