Yesterday I watched a video of an event I went to with some friends. I was shocked to watch the video because I looked a lot bigger than I think I am. When I saw myself on the video I had a complete WOAH moment. I looked and sounded different from what I think I look and sound like.
After the initial shock subsided I started thinking about why this happened. Video doesn’t lie about how you look, but apparently I lie to myself. I know I have pretty healthy self-esteem, which is why I think I look good every day. But in this video was clear proof that I don’t always. I didn’t necessarily look bad, but I didn’t look as good as I thought. I think it was because my super duper self-esteem has taught me selective self-observation.
Selective self-observation means I only observe and analyze the good parts. In photos I take and videos I have made I always look cute (or at least not obese and sloppy). I have the control over these things so I delete all bad pictures and video immediately. Then I forget it existed. Honestly I do. I forget that in a frame or two I looked bad because it no longer exists. When I look in the mirror I see a girl much prettier and thinner than I am. I have learned what angles make me look best and I only look at myself in the mirror that way. (Honestly I do. I just realized this.) I am constantly tricking myself into seeing only the good things. I must have started doing this years ago to help failing self-esteem. It did the job and worked wonders on how I feel and think about myself, but it definitely didn’t do anything for my sense of reality.
Unfortunately other people don’t have the same selective observation and editing when it comes to me. My friends editing video of me don’t cut out the bad parts. They don’t throw away pictures where I think I look less than perfect. Those are sides of me they see every day no matter how much I pretend they don’t exist. But that is why I love my friends. They see what I would call imperfections and like me anyway.
(But for the record, I totally think I should get final say on all videos/photos of myself. My selective self-observation and editing is excellent.)
Wow, this is like reading my own thoughts. I absolutely do the exact same thing. I carefully control every picture ever taken of me. I know all the tricks: stand behind someone and use them to cover up your body; stick your chin out and tilt your head down to minimize the double chin; if it’s a close-up of faces, make sure your face is further back than the other persons. It’s insane. If someone tags a picture of me I did not orchestrate on Facebook, I almost always untag it.
Video is the hardest to control. And my boyfriend loves to take video, so I have to deal with it all the time. Looking back on the videos our kids will probably think I was a huge bitch because I’m always saying, “Just put the camera away…I said I wanted that thing out of my face!” The real reason I don’t want him to tape me is my weight. I don’t want more documentation of me at this weight.
I wish I could just accept less-than-flattering images of myself, but like you, my self image is carefully tied to the image of myself I imagine.
I always think about my wedding day when I think about this subject. I don’t want to have to spend the entire day trying to take “skinny pictures.” I guess this is just one more motivation for losing weight: trying to match the image in my mind with the girl in the video.
I relate to this as well. Even at my highest weight I imagined myself to be smaller than I was, and then I saw pictures of myself taken at Christmas and was horrified. It’s amazing how we can trick ourselves.
erin’s last blog post..It’s That Time of Year
We all do!
I usually have palpitations when I see a picture of myself… but I’ve decided I need to have more pictures taken for that very reason. Time to stare reality in the face for a change. Besides, fellow-blogger Annette says that taking lots of pictures help you see your progress better. So I’m going to give it a try.
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@McLauren84
I definitely do ALL of those things. Especially the tilt down to minimize the double chin. Honestly that is the only thing I HATE about my body and have made it look for the most part like I don’t have one (which I barely do). Once my friend in the picture with me asked why I was looking down. I felt so dumb! But I still did it.
I hope you don’t spend your whole wedding day trying to take skinny pictures. I know how much effort it takes to do this and how much that will detract from such a happy day. The thing about all this is that even at our smallest we will still have bad pictures. Even when if we wear a size 2 we will see pictures and videos of ourselves we don’t like and don’t match our image of ourselves (believe me, my skinny minny friends do this). But I’m sure you will get a ton of beautiful pictures and video no matter what you weigh.
@Erin
It is amazing! I think the self-deception is what allows weight problems to get so out of control in the first place. We tell ourselves nothing is wrong and we are fine. All the while we ignore what it really happening to our bodies.
I hear that, missus! Gargh I hate seeing me through other peoples eyes. My flatmate has the worst footage of me…
wildfluffysheep’s last blog post..the DREADED weigh in…
My camera’s memory card refuses to save & store my ugly side. Needless to say, I’ve got a lot of un-used memory space on the camera.
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I know what you mean – I watched a video of myself a few weeks ago from a new years party in 04 and at the time, I wasnt at my heaviest and didnt feel like I was THAT fat. well watching that video, clearly I was in denial. I was almost ashamed watching it and wondering why I didnt realize that I was that big. sometimes its eye opening and hard to see, but necessary. and it reminds us why we dont ever want to go back to being that person.
powerful post. when I trained people (fitness) fulltime it amazed me how common this was as, honestly, I thought I was the only one who did it!
Miz’s last blog post..The Great Fitness Experiment!