This is the second post in a series on the issues (the first was on emotional eating) that led me to overeat and develop bad habits that caused me to become obese. In these posts I try to examine the problems and issues I had with food in the years when I was becoming obese.
One thing that caused my obesity that I’ve never told anyone about was my problem with compulsive eating.
It’s hard to explain compulsive eating to people who don’t do it. It’s something I feel like a lot of people don’t understand. Although I’ve moved on from it for the most part I’m not even sure I understand why I did it or what caused me to develop this particular disordered eating habit.
What is compulsive overeating?
Let me allow Wikipedia to define compulsive eating first:
Compulsive overeating, also sometimes called food addiction, is characterized by an obsessive/compulsive relationship to food. An individual suffering from compulsive overeating disorder engages in frequent episodes of uncontrolled eating, or bingeing, during which they may feel frenzied or out of control, often consuming food past the point of being comfortably full. Bingeing in this way is generally followed by feelings of guilt and depression. Unlike individuals with bulimia, compulsive overeaters do not attempt to compensate for their bingeing with purging behaviors such as fasting, laxative use or vomiting. Compulsive overeaters will typically eat when they are not hungry. Their obsession is demonstrated in that they spend excessive amounts of time and thought devoted to food, and secretly plan or fantasize about eating alone. Compulsive overeating usually leads to weight gain and obesity, but not everyone who is obese is also a compulsive overeater.
In addition to binge eating, compulsive overeaters can also engage in grazing behavior, during which they return to pick at food throughout the day. This results in a large overall number of calories consumed even if the quantities eaten at any one time may be small. When a compulsive eater overeats primarily through bingeing, he or she can be said to have binge eating disorder. Where there is continuous overeating but no bingeing, then the sufferer has compulsive overeating disorder.
My experience with compulsive overeating
Reading the definition makes me want to cry. I wish I had told someone that I did ALL of these thing years ago. It probably would have saved me a lot of pain and a lot of time. I just felt so much shame and guilt over my actions that I refused to admit them and in the end I only hurt myself. If I just had admitting doing these things I could have gotten the help I needed instead of having to claw my own way out.
For this particular post I want to save the bingeing part for another post and just address the other parts of compulsive eating that I suffered from, even though these things are related.
A lot of the time I was one of those compulsive overeaters who grazed and ate over long periods of time. I would obsess over food and feel the need to eat it until it went away. If something was in my house and I knew it was there I would think and obsess about it until I finally gave in to the thoughts and started eating it – even if I wasn’t hungry. I would eat it a little bit at a time, trying to convince myself it was okay if I did it that way, I just needed to eat it to make it disappear.
I remember so many times my mom would buy cookies “for my brothers” and leave them on the counter in the kitchen. I would look at them and wonder why she bought them but just move on. A few hours later I would be obsessing about the cookies and secretly plan to sneak back into the kitchen and grab a few when no one would see me. I would do that and take the cookies to my room or another empty room and eat them. I would repeat this process several times within the same day! By the end of the day the cookies would either be gone or almost gone and my mom would wonder where they went. I always blamed my brothers. After all, three boys eat a lot, right?
Covering my tracks was easy, or so I thought. After years of sneaking food and compulsive eating I guess I was good at being sneaky. I knew when to get food and how to hide it. I think everyone knew eventually what I was doing and sometimes I would even admit it. “Who ate all the granola bars? I had a whole box!” I would admit it was me and then make a joke or something to divert attention. Whenever food would go missing I would be the first one to be blamed and although it hurt, it was usually true.
I ate because something in my brain told me I needed to eat everything. If it was gone I would be fine. So I ate all the food without thinking of the calories or caring much what it was or what it did to me. I was obsessed with food and knew it had to disappear for me to clear my mind. So I often ended up getting rid of it by eating it. I ate because quite frankly I couldn’t stop thinking about the food. I knew that once it was gone I couldn’t think about it because it wouldn’t be there to torture me with it’s existence.
That obsession over food that led me to compulsively eat thousands of calories without ever being hungry. I would often find myself eating and having an internal battle because part of me really didn’t want to be doing it (because I knew I would gain even more weight) but the other part of me said I needed to (to make myself feel better emotionally). I felt out of control.
Some quotes from other websites, when I now read them, are so clearly descriptive of my behaviors then that it scares me no one every noticed:
People suffering with Compulsive Overeating have what is characterized as an “addiction” to food, using food and eating as a way to hide from their emotions, to fill a void they feel inside, and to cope with daily stresses and problems in their lives.
People suffering with this Eating Disorder tend to be overweight, are usually aware that their eating habits are abnormal, but find little comfort because of society’s tendency to stereotype the “overweight” individual.
Or when I read the signs/symptoms:
- Binge eating
- Fear of not being able to stop eating voluntarily
- Depression
- Self-deprecating thoughts following binges
- Withdrawing from activities because of embarrassment about weight
- Going on many different diets
- Eating little in public, while maintaining a high weight
- Believing they will be a better person when thin
- Feelings about self based on weight
- Social and professional failures attributed to weight
- Feeling tormented by eating habits
- Weight is focus of life
In high school I fit every single one of those bullet points, except the multiple diets one. I’m not trying to diagnose myself (or my former self) with an eating disorder since I’m not a professional or whatnot, but every time I read about compulsive eating it takes me right back to where I used to be, to who I used to be.
I know longer eat because of the impulses that tell me I need to get rid of food or use it to cope. I’ve learned how to control them, how to react to them, how to deal with them. But they haven’t completely gone away. I know that if I bake a cake and sit in on the counter I’m probably going to think about it and want to eat it until it’s gone, and in a stressful moment I still might succumb and allow that to happen. But the difference now is that I don’t eat it. I don’t put myself in that situation if I can help it. I know the foods that trigger that kind of thinking and I know how to limit my exposure to them.
Compulsive overeating is definitely one reason I became obese. Binge eating is another reason, and like I said, is related to compulsive eating. But I’m saving that for next installment since this is already so long. Thank you blog readers, for a little bit of sharing therapy today.
Help with compulsive overeating
I’ve learned a lot through a variety of resources to help me overcome my past compulsive overeating. The best thing I recommend for this is finding a therapist local to you who specializes in disordered eating. I’ve been to two therapists who both helped me so much.
I also recommend reading as much as possible about compulsive overeating. The more you understand something, the more you can control and overcome it. The following books about compulsive overeating can help you understand and work on getting past it.
Breaking Free from Emotional Eating
Stop Eating Your Heart Out: 21 Day Program to Free Yourself From Emotional Eating
If you struggle with compulsive overeating too, please don’t despair. You aren’t alone and you aren’t a failure. It’s something you can overcome and control!
**This post contains affiliate links and I will be compensated if you make a purchase after clicking on my links.
Barbi says
Been there, done that, don’t wanna do it anymore. Realizing that food is just food and not a friend, lover, or band-aid is an important step. Reminding myself of that daily is still necessary.
Seth says
It is something that needs to be dealt with in the beginning but just like any other kind of addiction — it’s hard to see that it is what it is. It’s awesome that you can see what is going on now though!!
Jeremy Logsdon says
Wow. It’s almost like someone put my bio on wikipedia. When I think about how many calories and pounds I’ve gained for absolutely nothing… almost makes me sick. But at least we are able to recognize that is who we were.
.-= Jeremy Logsdon´s last blog ..And then there were seven… and a giveaway… and other stuff… =-.
AndrewENZ says
My name is Andrew and I’m a food addict and compulsive overeater. That description describes me to a tee as well.
.-= AndrewENZ´s last blog ..One Hundred Push-ups in a Row =-.
empowermephotoguy says
Information is power and the first step in the journey to overcoming the obsession. Thank you for posting this. You provide inspiration and motivation every day!
Tina says
OMG I am stunned. Almost all those definitions have related to me too. Knowledge definitely is power. Thanks!
Greg's Free Weight Loss Newsletter says
Wow. Great post. I don’t suffer from compulsive overeating, but I definitely done a couple things on that list a few times. How eye opening. Thank you for sharing. It helps us just as much as it helps you.
Tom says
When I started blogging I added in childhood stories to try and remember why I stayed fat. It was pretty easy to see those triggers. I think that this is a good journey for you….
Keep working Hard!
Tom Brokaw
.-= Tom´s last blog ..I learned a lot this morning from my RMR Test….. =-.
McLauren84 says
Wow, amazing post, Mary. Thanks so much for being so open and honest–if everyone wasn’t so scared to talk about this, maybe people suffering from these problems could be helped before the problem accelerates. I definitely related to a few of these points, so thanks for providing all the great background information, as well.
.-= McLauren84´s last blog ..Feeling Better =-.
Barry says
Great post, I bet that felt great getting all of that off your chest and out in the open. It probably took a lot of guts to do it but I’d say its helped a lot of others feel better about themselves and not feel like they’re the only one.
Good on ya Mary!
.-= Barry´s last blog ..Urban Gym – A New Take On Fitness Training =-.
Foodie McBody says
You sure don’t have to explain any of that to ME. I know exactly, from painful experience, what you’re talking about. Hug.
.-= Foodie McBody´s last blog ..Takin’ It To the Stage =-.
Lara (Thinspired) says
Food addiction is such a unique addiction because, unlike alcohol or cigarettes, you can’t just stop eating. You have to eat, and you have to learn how to eat food without abusing it. I am still on figuring all of this out, but I do know that it gets better during the times when my life feels fulfilled in as many areas as possible: family, friends, work, etc. For me it’s loneliness, boredom, and hunger that seems to trigger it.
Thanks for sharing this, Mary <3
.-= Lara (Thinspired)´s last blog ..After the Fall =-.
Mary says
It is unique. And I think harder to deal with than any other addiction because you are faced with food all the time and can’t just say no. Avoidance isn’t an option like other addiction treatments. It’s hard but the more we all admit and think about it and how to deal with it the better it gets.
@FitInMyHeart says
Thank You for sharing this with us!! You are an inspiration!!! Please continue to “Let Your Light Shine”
Love Ya Lots
Dr. Mo
Jody - Fit at 52 says
Mary, just shows how far you have come! That first step is acknowledging it. You know your trigger probs & man, have you done good!
I did a post on this yesterday & February 21-27 is National Eating Disorder Awareness week (NEDA) supported by the National Eating Disorder Association. I have a link on my blog, Mary, if you want to check it out.
.-= Jody – Fit at 52´s last blog ..Gym Tough Love Advice & Some Ranting :-) =-.
Mary says
Thanks! I guess this post was timely, even if I didn’t know it.
josie says
I love this series you’re doing – thank you for sharing so much of yourself.
.-= josie´s last blog ..Week 21 – Weigh-In (and a lot of pictures!) =-.
Gina Fit by 41 Maybe 42 says
Me, too.
.-= Gina Fit by 41 Maybe 42´s last blog ..Dr. Oz and Diane, Fit to the Finish =-.
Lori says
Wow. That sounds so much like me. I was overweight as a teen and then when I hit college (and a few years after), it was even harder for me. Within, the last few years, I have lost weight, and am still trying to get to my “goal weight.” I have gotten better with not binging as much, but it’s something that I think will be a constant struggle for me. I’d like to think that it won’t be someday, but I’m not sure.
.-= Lori´s last blog .. =-.
KCLAnderson (Karen) says
“I ate because something in my brain told me I needed to eat everything. If it was gone I would be fine. ”
Exactly. And even though I do this A LOT less than I used to, there are times (like today) when I still do it.
.-= KCLAnderson (Karen)´s last blog ..A Quick Health Update =-.
Fattie Fatterton says
Mary – Thank you so much for sharing this. I see a lot of myself in there. I still obsess sometimes if there is something in the house that I want to eat and I know that there is more and more and more. I keep thinking about it until I have to go get it and eat it. It’s definitely the way of the addict.
.-= Fattie Fatterton´s last blog ..I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets. =-.
Mary says
Of course. I’m glad this helped you think about your own situation.
Michelle @ Eatingjourney says
basically my whole life. It’s been interesting in that you’re writing about this and so did the guest post yesterday.
yep..I am a compulsive overeater, a binge eater..someone who would be the poster child for OA.
and…I am on the road to recovery. I have never admitted that to myself before..and damn it feels good.
.-= Michelle @ Eatingjourney´s last blog ..Ultimate Cage Fighting =-.
Mary says
I actually wrote this MONTHS ago, but didn’t post until now.
I’m glad you are on the road to recovery Mish.
Heather says
Thank you for writing such an honest and important post.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Do You Know How It Happened? =-.
Miz says
You are changing people’s live by sharing your story, Mary.
CAN NOT WAIT to see you at Fitbloggin.
.-= Miz´s last blog ..Being Present. =-.
Mary says
I hope so.
Anonymous Fat Girl says
You are so brave for posting this. I believe I’m a compulsive eater as well. Thanks for this post.
.-= Anonymous Fat Girl´s last blog ..My son’s conditions have no cure, but my OBESITY does =-.
Anon says
I wonder about this — is it me? I’m not overweight but feel compulsions. I hate wasting food so if there’s celery in the fridge I used for a soup, I’ll feel compelled to munch on it until it’s gone over the course of the next several days so it doesn’t go to waste. And I know I sometimes binge eat one particular comfort food — not sure if it’s related to a particular emotion or a vitamin deficiency or what — but since that food is peas, it doesn’t seem to be a huge problem (it would be if it was cookies or something). But sometimes I’ll eat an entire bag of frozen peas — I think it serves 8 or 10 or something? But that’s all I’ll want to eat. But I do attempt to compensate when I overeat, usually with exercise (never with vomiting or laxatives, but sometimes fasting until I’m really hungry again). I know lots of people who burn calories to avoid having to restrict calories. One friend runs solely to consume unlimited burritos and beer. Seems like lots of people, regardless of weight, have some form of an eating disorder or issue. It’s a very interesting topic.
Mary says
You make a really good point – regardless of weight many people have disordered eating. Some you can’t tell because they compensate for it when they eat to much. Others don’t. Others don’t eat at all. But all of it seems very taboo to talk about still.
Francesca says
This was such a good post. Thank you for your honesty and clarity. thanks in particular for being inspirational !
.-= Francesca´s last blog ..Sleep & timetables =-.
All Women Stalker says
Oh, honey, you’ve been through a whole lot. My heart goes out to anyone who’s suffering from this and I hope they’ll find the courage to hurdle this obstacle and move on.
Kat says
I’m (kind of) glad that psychological communities are starting to categorize compulsive overeating as a disorder. I used to attend eating disorder support groups in college, and it was so bizarre to be sandwiched between people with anorexia and bulimia and say “I walked a mile today and didn’t eat chocolate, go me!” while they were saying “I only ran 5 miles today and ate more than XXX calories, go me!” But I realize they’re not that much different from each other – it’s a terrible thing when your brain basically sabotages your body and you’ve got this tug of war going on inside yourself, no matter how that struggle manifests. Thanks for this post!
.-= Kat´s last blog ..Dr. Strangebrew or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying about Fat Loss and Love Myself =-.
Mary says
That’s the thing… all eating disorders have very similar origins in why people fall into them and how the brain works… its just the ones that make you fat are categorized as moral/character flaws but the ones that make you overly thin are “disorders”… it’s strange how society classifies them even though they are similar.
merri says
its very brave of you to be so open about this type of thing in front of everyone.
.-= merri´s last blog ..San Diego Trip: Days 0 and 1: Getting our Bearings =-.
Lauren says
I identify with this post a lot…Thank you so much for sharing. I’ve been dealing with eating disorders for years and no matter what form they take, they are all so painful. Even though my experience was and is different, it is actually the same in a lot of ways. Thanks for pointing this out. I wish you all the best. xo
.-= Lauren´s last blog ..Chickpea Patty Recipe =-.
emt training says
My cousin recommended this blog and she was totally right keep up the fantastic work!
Beth says
Did you read my old diary or something? Seriously, this is exactly the way I was in high school as well. When food would go missing, my 3 siblings always knew who to blame. When I was 9 years old, I would climb the shelves of our pantry to get to the candy my mom put on the top shelf.
I’m glad I’ve changed in the last few years. I’ve come a long way in changing my eating habits – but I never actually sat down and wrote about how I got this way, and I think that might be the next step…thanks for posting this and inspiring me to do the same thing.